like. ok. i've not allowed myself to get emotionally invested in the idea of starting t. in any meaningful way. because first my blood has to say i'm allowed. and then i have to start at an extremely low dose and make sure that my body responds well to it. and that i can tolerate the side effects. and that my blood continues to be okay with it.
and like. again. my primary motivating factor is truly my health, and not my gender. i really want it to help my physical strength and my hormonal rollercoaster. i really want to just feel less weak and less sick.
but like. going on an extremely low and slow dose of t is also kind of ideal. gender-wise. because i am not looking to become a man. i'm not even looking to become, like, masculine. i'm just looking to become less feminine. i don't want to lose my ability to present as 'butch girl' altogether for like, employment and safety reasons. and i know any sudden/abrupt/fast changes to my body are going to upset and disorient me significantly, even if they are in the direction i want to go, just because i do not handle changes to my body well at all. especially if it's a mixed bag and i'm only happy with certain changes and not as happy with other changes.
but starting very low and going very slow is going to give me a chance to truly see how i feel. physically, mentally, emotionally -- and to see how it affects my dysphoria and my image of myself and the way i move through the world.
whatever happens next, if i am able to start t, it's going to be a process. but like... i'm ready to try it. and see how it goes.
