#terrywrites

“Not today, I’m busy.” He brushes you off, this doesn’t help.

But you believe in yourself, surely if you were honest he’d listen, that’s how it has always been, right? “Maybe we can walk together for a few minutes? You seem stressed and we haven’t eaten together for weeks…I miss you Ken”, you say sincerely, expecting him to understand or to relax at least a bit.

“I seriously don’t get what’s so difficult for you to understand, we can’t always act like teenagers in love and not everything can be done in the manner in which you want it to be done. I know we’re together but I have my responsibilities at work that are important, you should know that, you’re not a kid”

oh.

Your heart cracks a bit.

‘You’re not a kid.’

‘You should know that.’

You know he has responsibilities, so do you and you’re still here. Obviously he can say no, but treating you like a child? Like s stupid kid who doesn’t understand basic words? Like someone who’s desperate and lonely? That’s unacceptable. There are better ways for him to convey his thoughts. He should know that what he said is rude.

‘He must be tired, it’s okay’ , you think. It’s the same all over again.

“Right. I apologise, Ken. I’ll…I’ll just leave this here,”, you say as you place the lunch you brought for him on the table in front of his office. “I got your favou—“ “take it with you, lunch time is almost over- you should’ve asked before bringing anything, you know I don’t like being wasteful”, he says as he shoves the lunch back in your hands, clearly irritated and stressed.

Your heart cracks a bit more.

‘It’s okay, he’s stressed.’ , you think.

“Ah…okay…bye then, I guess. Love you, Ken…”

“Yeah, I’ve to go now”, he says as he turns around and walks towards the kitchen to make himself some coffee while you remain where you are.

The pit in your chest grows deeper.

‘Yeah, I’ve to go now’

‘Is that all he has to say? Why didn’t he say love you back? I get he’s stressed but I was only trying to help? Did I do something annoying? But this has never bothered him before.’ , you think. You start overthinking as you slowly walk towards the elevator, deciding to take one last glance of him in the office kitchen. You smile, ‘Aw, he’s laughi-‘ , and your train of thought is immediately stopped as you see him smiling the way he smiled at you towards his coworker.

‘Oh.’

You freeze.

‘It’s no big deal.’

‘She’s pretty.’

‘Does he think the same?’

‘Does he like her?’

‘Is he bored of me?’

‘Is she the reason why he didn’t want to have lunch today?’

The thoughts all hit you at once, and it makes you feel that you’d rather hit by a truck and end up in a hospital rather than deal with this.

You enter the elevator. ‘Why? What did I do that was so bad he doesn’t want to have lunch with me, treat me like shit but is okay with laughing with his coworker?’

Deep down you know such thoughts are wrong, nanami would never cheat, you’re sure he isn’t cheating, but what if? Will what you did today be the cause of your breakup with him? But you don’t want that, you just wanted to share a meal with him. You walk with your head down towards the car, overthinking. As you enter the car you can’t help but think of how differently he looked at her. Usually it would be you who he’d smile at and others that he’d treat in a cold manner. But today it was the opposite.

Your chest tightens ever more as the pit grows deeper in your chest. You feel hollow, scared. Is he going to break up with you? You don’t even realise that you’re crying until you feel a teardrop on your hand. ‘This is so stupid’, you think, but the tears keep on flowing as you lean your head against the steering wheel, head heating up due to embarrassment, what made you think he’d like you showing up unannounced? He never clearly said that he enjoyed it, you just assumed shit and did whatever you wanted? He now sees you as a spoiled brat who thinks the world revolves around her. But at the same time you felt angry, not only to yourself, but to him as well.

‘If he doesn’t like it he could’ve just said so earlier. Why make me feel important at if he’s just going to brush me off later on? Why make me feel as if he cares for me if he’s going to smile at others after treating me shit? Why? I didn’t do anything wrong’

It’s like the old you all over again, conflicting thoughts swarming your head, all your energy drained as you sit in place and cry.

After a good 15 minutes you finally drive away. ‘It’s okay to cry, I’ve let my feelings out, I can relax now’ you try to convince yourself. But the pit in your chest only grows deeper and deeper. Your negative thoughts feeding off of your life force. You go home and decide that taking a bath and going to sleep would be the best.

Just as you exit your bath expecting nanami to be home, your phone buzzes with a notification from him.

Ken💕 : I’ll be late today.

You : Why? I thought you’d be done early today, you said so yesterday.

Ken💕 : I know, and now I’m saying that I’ll be late. There’s actual work I have to take care of.

You : Are you saying I don’t?

Ken💕 : Do you?

You : I don’t appreciate this tone of yours ken, if you’re stressed you can say so, I was just worried..

Ken💕 : worried? You are acting like a child, even earlier today. Honestly, you should know better.

You : I see, sorry.

You aren’t sorry at all. You’re seething. How dare he? How dare he make you feel this way? Is this what he wanted? Had this been his plan since the beginning? To make you feel like he cares then pull away so that you’ll beg like a pathetic dog.

But was he wrong? You are being pathetic, saying sorry for things you shouldn’t have to, letting him walk all over you. You switch off your phone and put it on the countertop of the kitchen, your appetite gone.

This takes you back to when you were in high school. Overthinking every interaction, hating how everyone made you feel so anxious, hating yourself for letting mere words make you undermine your own value.

In your head you knew he was being rude, you knew this isn’t what you deserve. But your heart hurt. So much. This wasn’t something that couldn’t be resolved with both of you talking. Maybe nanami was actually having a bad day, maybe he’ll apologise and hug and comfort you. But you also thought he’d want to have lunch with you and you were wrong. So wrong. You were basically rejected. Maybe you were wrong and were being delusional.

You felt pathetic, how he had so much power over how you felt when you’re sure he didn’t care about you that much. How a few words from him made you feel so small, so weak, so insignificant.

Right.

It’s clear he wants space…and that you’re a bother to him. But he didn’t mean it, did he? But that doesn’t excuse it also.

You decide to stay up late to relax and calm yourself by watching television and maybe ordering some chicken.

A few hours pass, and nanami entrance is announced by the beeps of the beeps of the password for the apartment being entered.

Your anxious feeling returns.

He looks tired like he hasn’t slept for days, his frustration evident in the way his eyebrows are close together and how stiff his body is. You want to say something, but should you? He’s been annoyed by you throughout the day, you guys haven’t spoken for weeks, so is now the best time to speak? You let out a shaky breath as you sit up straight on the living room couch.

He raises his head to meet your gaze, all the frustration leaving his face and his softening, a hint of guilt in them. He opens his mouth and closes it, then opens it again yet nothing comes out.

“Why aren’t you asleep?”, he asks, to which you think for a bit, failing to form sentence due to how emotionally tired you are.

“Didn’t feel sleepy”, you say as you look away from him and stand up. “I’ll clean up the couch, do you want me to set up the bath for you? You must be tired…”, you offer, these are the same things you say when he works overtime and returns home tired at times, yet this time there was no warmth in your voice, it was unfamiliar.

“No, it’s fine, I’ll just take a quick shower…you should go to bed, you seem tired as well”, he replies, his voice gentle, as if trying to make up for how he treated you. You just nodded and quietly went to your shared bedroom.

Nanami enters the washroom and undresses, sighing as he feels the clothes come off his body and as the hot water helps his tense muscles relax and the steam fills up the room. He recalls the way you looked at him as he entered the house. It wasn’t the usual full of love and calm gaze which you had, rather, it was full of uncertainty.

He remembers the things he said to you, the at your heart got crushed by him little by little throughout the day.

He can’t lie, he was frustrated, not at you though, at the people he worked with. He was the one who cleaned up their messes, and their work had been awful the past week due to which he had to work overtime, while still smiling at people he secretly hated in order to maintain a good workplace environment. He knows lashing out at you was messed up, and his reasons explain his actions but certainly don’t excuse it, you had been mature about it and he accused of you acting like a child when it was actually him.

‘Fuck, I messed up…’ , he thinks while leaving the shower. He puts on his cozy pyjamas, which he noticed that you kept outside for him after he forgot to bring it himself. He feels loved and guilty at the same time.

After taking his medicines he enters your room and sees you laying down on the bed, your back to the entrance of the room. He slowly climbs the bed and notices your shoulders tensing as he hugs you from behind while giving you kisses, starting from your shoulder and going towards your neck. “Sweetheart…I’m sorry for my behaviour today. You were just trying to reach out and I…I reacted immaturely.” He takes a deep breath and sighs, “you’re not a kid, my love, I don’t even know why I said such cruel stuff to you when you were the only one trying to help me…”.

He hugs you a bit tighter, “I am not asking you to forgive me just now… I’ll apologise till you’re ready, and never repeat such awful actions ever again…you don’t deserve to be brushed off, I really do love you sweetheart.”

His words twist your heart. You know he knows how you feel, and he’s saying just the right things to comfort you. You also know he means that. However you can’t help it as your eyes tear up and you suddenly start sobbing, the frustration of the entire day finally leaving your body.

Nanami sees your body jerk and immediately realises you’re crying and sits up while pulling you in his lap and soothingly robbing your back, your head placed in the crook of his neck as he say, “I really am sorry my love…I love you.”

“Are you sure?”, you ask. It wasn’t snarky, but you were genuinely asking if he was sure he loved you. He hated himself for making you think that and hugged you even tighter.

“My love, I’ve never been more sure of anything. Of course I love you, and I’m so sorry for not showing it properly. How can I not love you? You’re perfect”, he says and then kisses your forehead.

You cried for a good 20 minutes after that, telling him how you felt, all the thoughts you had while little sobs escaped your mouth and nanami apologised again and again while reassuring you and giving you small kisses.

“I haven’t completely forgiven you, you know? I get that you had a lot to deal with, but you really hurt me…”, you pause as he kisses your cheek, you continue, “but I’m happy you acknowledged your mistakes…thank you for that…”

He gives you a small smile, “thank you my love, I’ll spend the rest of my life making up for this if I have to. Tell you what, I’ll take the next two days off and do whatever you want..”

“…just two days?”

“Two days, and two weeks off after the end of this month, we can decorate the house for christmas, bake together, I can give you a massage and anything else you might want.”

You act like you’re thinking about it, “hmmm…it does sound tempting….”

Nanami smiles at your actions, glad to see you’re more comfortable now.

“Okay, I agree to the plan offered by you, but only because you insisted on it.” You say while giving him a small smile and teasing him a bit.

“Thank you, darling. It’s an honour to receive your approval.” He says while chuckling at your behaviour, finding it rather cute. “….I love you”, he says while staring at you lovingly.

“I love you too, Ken” , you as you both lay down in the bed, cuddling each other and smiling.