#terribledecisions

Well, holy balls, kids.

Here's what a poor person can do given some time and resources:

-Write a book that not only sells, but becomes an educational resource in the Ivy League -Become a noted lecturer on the topics of economics and class -Teach university -Publish a byline in dozens of major newspapers and magazines -Become an advisor to three nations, eight political parties, and God knows how many candidates who've called to have a chat -Help pass legislation in five states to save or expand social services -Call Tony Abbott a bit stupid in the Aussie national media -Make Boris Johnson jokes in the Guardian -Let some huge amount of people know that they're not the only ones. It's everyone.

Dear every person who's ever judged a spotty resume, or one without the right degree, or one without sufficiently impressive referrals, or anyone who's ever thought that the suit didn't fit right, or anyone who thought that bad teeth were down to simple hygiene:

Go fuck yourself. You were wrong. Every single time, you've been wrong and we couldn't prove it.

I count my audience reach in the millions, motherfucker. You can't stop us from knowing now. We know we're not alone. And you were a bit too late with the bread and circuses.

I'm living proof of it.

Now, tell me again who's lazy, because I did that in two years. How long have you been trying to get above the level where you were hiring front office secretaries again? Oh. Right. I'm betting it's been a decade.

Jesus, have you ever thought of working a bit harder? Maybe that would help. You might try the service industry for a few years. It really teaches you the meaning of hard work. (I actually charge a metric fuckton per hour for business consulting, btw. Consider this your free advice from someone who's clearly got it better figured than you. Like when you used to tell me to just get a better job.)

Best, Linda

I have two finals tomorrow and the stress has been getting to me. I feel kind of light-headed and I'm not sure if it is from looking at my notes for too long or lack of water. In this muddled state I had a brilliant idea, to fly to England and meet (make love to) Alex Turner. After this thought I decided to contact my loved ones and tell them where I was headed. Since the only one that truly understands me is my sister I texted her the following:  

"I've decided, I'm leaving tonight to England to make love to Alex Turner. I'll try and keep in touch. Love you (but not as much as Alex, sorry, I hope you understand). -Emma 

Last year, soon to be famous writer/director Eric Appel and I made some shorts for Funny or Die called Terrible Decisions with Ben Schwartz. The website liked them so much, they asked us to make some for their HBO show.

So, this Friday at Midnight you can watch two brand new Terrible Decisions with Ben Schwartz shorts on the premiere episode of the second season of HBO's Funny or Die Presents!  Here are the original two featuring Aubrey Plaza (Parks and Rec), Michael McMillain (True Blood) and Johanna Parker (UCB). Even more fun cameos this Friday!

DOOMSDAY