I appreciate that my dad forgives me every time I yell at him I appreciate that I can mock him, yell at him when I need an outlet, all of that stuff. I appreciate it, but I feel like I still don't deserve all the forgiveness. I think that makes sense, though. Because I can be downright nasty sometimes, and I feel like I inherited it from certain sides of my family. My maternal grandmother/my nana certainly has this really nasty side to her. That's kind of why I refuse to talk to her. She's judgemental and nitpicky and rude. She knows how to hold grudges, how to be a hypochondriac and how to blow up at people whenever she's feeling even slightly offended. Sadly, I feel like I've inherited so much stuff from her. I don't like to say it, but I definitely have a lot of her worst traits in myself too.
The only difference between us is that I'm usually always aware I'm in the wrong. I throw fits and I yell at people. I mock my dad by continually getting mad at him for how he mumbles, but then I end up feeling like the world's worst human being everytime I do it. I end up begging for forgiveness every time, because I know I've done wrong. I know when I'm bad, or at least I realize I'm in the wrong within the same hour of my outburst. My Nana doesn't learn from her mistakes until at least 5 years have passed, and even then…even then she seems to just say she's learned because she wants to be forgiven and liked again. I'd like to think I'm better than that.
But am I? That's the question that keeps me worried sometimes. Am I actually a better person? Because the cycle me and my dad always repeat is not a great cycle. I snap at him and I sometimes get really nasty. He forgives me or snaps at me (either or). Then I take some processing time and I wind up feeling really guilty. He then fully forgives me and we move on. But I always make the mistake over and over again. Every week I make the same mistake. I snap and snap, and I'm just forgiven. And I don't know why my dad forgives me. I don't know why he does it. I don't think anyone else would forgive someone yelling at them so often. I probably wouldn't. But my dad does. And I just don't understand how he does it. I don't understand it. I love him for it, but I don't get it.
I feel like I'm not the best person because I snap at my dad so often. I worry about opening up to other people and revealing this to them, because who wants to be friends with a temperamental person who can snap on a dime? Nobody likes a person like that. Nobody wants to do with a person like that. I don't think anyone does, at least. So I hide this side of myself and I only ever express it around my dad or when I'm alone. Sometimes a bit of it slips through in public, but usually only when I'm around my dad. You'd think I didn't actually have anger issues if my dad couldn't attest to them like I do, that's how well I feel I do at bottling them up in public. I'm getting a bit worse with it as I age, I think. But maybe that's good? I shouldn't have to keep hiding a part of myself, negative or not. I shouldn't feel so bad for this, especially not when I know my dad forgives me.
My dad is a saint, honestly. Dealing with me and almost never snapping. He deals with all the same stressors I do (although we do have some differences in our stressors). He's just as stressed as I am, probably. But he doesn't show it like I do. My dad can snap sometimes, but never with the same frequency that I have. He's never as prone to showing his stress, not unless his tiredness is a sign of stress. I guess it could be, but he's also got other reasons to be tired.
The times I feel worst are when I feel like I've made my dad cry. I don't know if I ever actually have, but sometimes I worry I have. And those moments are just crushing. Just crushing. I hate my anger issues and the way I take it out on others, but I never seem capable of stopping myself. It's the same old song and dance all the time, and I'm just used to it.
I relate to characters in fiction with these same problems. Characters who have anger issues or strong negative emotions, characters who sometimes worry about whether or not they're capable of being accepted and being forgiven. The three examples that are coming to me right now are Lord Garmadon, The Hulk and Two-Face. Those two understand me. The feeling of having something monstrous or evil about yourself…well, I don't quite feel like I'm a complete monster. But I do really understand the feeling. And I understand the feeling of wanting to hide part of yourself from others because you know it's too dark or negative for others to easily accept it.
