What we do in the shadows 《Remmick, sinners x reader 》
A/N: I was watching What We Do in the Shadows and this idea popped into my head. I had so much fun writing it. I mean, I love dominant Remmick, I love pathetic Remmick… But what about Remmick just trying to survive the 21st century with his familiar—who also happens to be the reincarnation of his human lover??
Remmick x Reader
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You (looking into camera, clearly exhausted):
I’m his familiar. I take care of everything. I clean. I shop. I deal with the dead raccoons in the attic.
(sighs)
And eventually... he promised I’ll be turned.
(pause)
He said that… like, six reincarnations ago
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CAMERA ON: You and Remmick mid-argument. Remmick is holding an iPhone with two fingers, like it might explode. You’re pacing.
YOU Okay—just press the little circle. That’s the Home button.
REMMICK (overlapping, frowning at phone) It does nothing. I press the circle and it mocks me.
YOU You’re not pressing it, you’re tapping it. Like it’s a cursed talisman.
REMMICK Because maybe it is. (gestures at screen) It knows where I am. It calls me by name. With the voice of a seductive ghost.
YOU That’s Siri.
REMMICK She’s haunting me.
YOU She’s an AI.
REMMICK She’s a spy. I heard her speak in tongues at 3:17 a.m.
YOU That was a Dua Lipa remix.
REMMICK (genuinely lost) I don’t know what that means!!
Beat. You both stare at each other, breathing heavily. You break eye contact first and turn toward the Alexa Dot.
YOU (dryly) Alexa, play The Rocky Road to Dublin.
ALEXA (cheerfully) Playing The Rocky Road to Dublin on Spotify.
Traditional Irish music starts playing. You walk off screen.
YOU (to camera as you pass) She listens better than he does.
CUT TO: REMMICK ALONE
Remmick crouches slowly in front of the Alexa Dot. The camera zooms in as he lowers his voice to a near-whisper.
REMMICK (serious, reverent)Excuse me... ma’am... would you play Sammy Moore... for me?
Alexa continues playing. No reaction. Remmick stares. Beat.
REMMICK (wounded) She ignores me. (quietly) Just like the Baroness of Aljezur.
TALKING HEAD – REMMICK
Remmick sits in a dimly lit armchair, holding the iPhone upside down.
REMMICK Technology is a cruel mistress. (beat) She lures you in with soft glows… and then betrays you with updates. (beat) Also, she keeps asking me to “enable location services.” I will never.
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CAMERA ON: You. Blocking Remmick’s path.
You're standing directly in front of the coat rack he keeps mistaking for a Prussian war general. Arms crossed. Jaw set. He tries to step left. You step left. Right. You follow.
YOU (flatly) You said you’d turn me last spring. Then you said autumn. Now you’re saying “after the eclipse.” Which one?
REMMICK (calmly, without blinking) The eternal one. (beat) Also the total lunar eclipse of 2033. That one’s more feasible.
CAMERA ZOOMS in slowly as neither of you breaks eye contact. Off-screen: a loud crash in the attic. Probably that raccoon again. You both ignore it.
YOU (tight smile, inhale through nose) Why won’t you do it?
REMMICK (dramatic pause — he lives for them) Because… (he takes a slow step forward) …the moment I turn you… you stop being reborn. (another long beat) And I… lose the joy of falling in love with you again.
Silence. Somewhere, a synth-heavy ballad plays faintly from a Bluetooth speaker no one remembers connecting.
You blink. Your lip does the involuntary quiver it sometimes does when he pulls this “tragic poet” routine. For a second, it lands.
YOU (softly) That’s… really romantic.
Beat.
You nod. Then you lean down, grab the werewolf-stained boot from by the door, and shove it into his chest.
YOU (back to full volume) Still doesn’t excuse making me clean the werewolf piss out of these.
REMMICK (clutching the boot like it’s a holy relic) That werewolf was a duke in 1784.
YOU Cool. He still peed on your Aldo knockoffs.
CUT TO: TALKING HEAD – REMMICK
He’s sitting in a candlelit room next to a taxidermy owl wearing a scarf. The boot sits on his lap.
REMMICK There’s a difference between love and commitment. (beat) Love is eternal. Commitment is… cleaning the boots of my enemies.
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You stare straight at the camera, very serious.
YOU (deadpan): I’ve loved him seventeen times. I died in twelve of those lives. (beat) Honestly, I think that’s romantic.
[CUT TO REMMICK TALKING HEAD]
REMMICK (concerned): Keeps a journal titled "Ways I’ve Died for Him." It's… alphabetical.
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It’s sticky, dimly lit, and absolutely packed with off-duty vampires, familiars, and one zombie in a mesh tank top. The camera crew pans to you, trying to sign Remmick up at the tiny booth, while he stares at a glowing cocktail like it’s a poisoned relic.
You grab the clipboard.
YOU: Okay, you’re doing Total Eclipse of the Heart.
REMMICK (flat, deeply unimpressed): I lived through three actual eclipses. I wept at all of them.
SMASH CUT TO: REMMICK ON STAGE
He’s standing alone under a spotlight, like a man awaiting execution. Mic in hand, face full of dread. The screen flashes the lyrics. He reads them slowly, baffled.
REMMICK (mumbling): “There’s nothing I can do… a total eclipse of the heart…” (beat) What does this mean?
YOU (off-stage, yelling): Just sing it, you eternal drama queen!
He sighs. Looks up at the crowd, then narrows his eyes like he’s about to issue a curse.
REMMICK: Fine. But know this—this song once summoned a demon in Prague.
The synth kicks in.
And then… he sings. You don’t know where it comes from—some deep, haunted well of theatrical agony—but he nails it. The room is silent. Even the vampire in a New Order tee presses a hand to their undead chest.
CUT TO: TALKING HEAD – YOU
You’re holding a plastic cup of neon blue. Eyes wide.
YOU: He actually kind of nailed it. I think two goths in the back started crying.
He said he’d never do karaoke. (pause) He also said the moon told him to burn my AirPods last week. So we’re learning that his boundaries are fluid.
CUT TO: REMMICK – STAGE – FINAL CHORUS
He’s on one knee now, belting “THERE’S NOTHING I CAN DOOOO…” like it’s an ancient curse breaking through his soul.
A single tear rolls down his cheek.
One vampire faints.
You clap. You don’t even know why.
You're proud. And terrified. Mostly both.
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You're pacing dramatically in front of him.
YOU: Why won’t you bite me? Do you not love me this time?
REMMICK (sighs): I do love you. I just... I want you to be sure.
YOU: I was sure in the French Revolution! I was sure during the Viking raids! I was sure when we were both pigeons for that one weird lifetime!
CUT TO: TALKING HEAD – REMMICK: ...the pigeon life was complicated.
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You're scrolling on your phone excitedly.
YOU: Look! It’s me! 1812. “Beloved tailor. Died of love.” That was you. You broke my heart in that life!
REMMICK (gently): You also fell into a river while screaming my name.
YOU: Don’t act like that wasn’t beautiful.
[CUT TO REMMICK TALKING HEAD]
REMMICK: Wants to take a road trip to visit all the graves. I suggested Disney World. But said, “Only if we stop at the 1873 coffin.”
