#tbc liveread

The Liveread

Alright, let's go for the last installment of the Bane Chronicles.

Truthfully, it's not really the last one, as there's an eleventh story available in the print version, but I don't want to buy it and I highly doubt my local library has it (though I won't deny I'm probably too lazy to go check out if it is. I'm not that dedicated to analyzing and criticizing Cassandra Clare's stories.)

Anyway, this is about Magnus and Alec's first date (and their true love) meaning that I'm a) expecting little actual dating (as most of the titles in this series have been false advertisement up until now) and b) extremely worried about how Alec will be treated. Magnus is usually written like an ass, and alec keeps becoming the butt of very distasteful jokes so... yes, I'm worried.

Also, during this liveread, I'll be playing the Cassandra Clare liveread bingo, with the following categories:

Don't forget: Magnus has weird clothes!

Mandatory reference to Jace.

Because fuck feminism/anti-queerphobia/anti-racism, that's why.

Queerphobia? What queerphobia?

Retcon!

Worldbuilding is for the weak.

Alec doesn't know he's beautiful (that's what makes him beautiful)

Now that this is out of the way, let the actual reading begin!

We start with a Friday night in Brooklyn, and a description of the weather. Again, this would work in TV format, as it would set the mood in one short shot, but in written format it just means we start out with something uninteresting and disposable. Not exactly the first impression you want people to get from your story.

Anyway, this takes place after Magnus' party in City of Bones, obviously, and we learn that Alec was the one who asked Magnus out. Part of me wants to say it's rather improbable because Alec is the youngest, more shy and less assured of the two, but otoh Magnus seriously asking a Shadowhunter out would also be improbable in a world not written by Cassandra Clare, so I suppose this one is a draw. Either way, Alec seems to be late, since we have this quote:

Magnus walked the floor of his loft apartment alone and wondered, with what amounted to only mild interest, if he was about to be stood up.

I don't know about you but imo, if you're only mildly interested about whether or not your date is going to show up, there's something wrong about the situation.

Not to mention, of course, that since Alec was the one doing the asking, it would be well within the realm of possibilities for Magnus to wonder if it's a kind of trap. More than that, considering Malec is a mixed race same-sex union in a racist AND homophobic context, Magnus would probably at least consider the possibility of something going wrong—even without being a worrywart, it wouldn't be unreasonable. Again, the characters don't seem to act in a logical way according to their environment. I'm not sure whether to count this in the Worldbuilding category or in the Queerphobia? One, so I'll set it as half a point in each.

The actual asking out happened the on the Tuesday before this story started, and here's what we learn about it:

This past Tuesday had been a dull day at home with the cat and an inventory list that included horned toads. Then Alec Lightwood, eldest son of the Shadowhunters who ran the New York Institute, had turned up on Magnus’s doorstep, thanked him for saving his life, and asked him out while turning fifteen shades between puce and mauve. In response Magnus had promptly lost his mind, kissed him, and made a date for Friday.

It's really disappointing that in a story supposed to tell us how Magnus and Alec even got to the point where they're having a first date, the whole asking part gets so little attention—not to mention there's literally nothing on Alec's motivations here. Granted, I prefer when CC stays away from Alec, this way she can't ruin him, but seriously, this just sounds like Alec met Magnus, went 'hey, I'm not the only gay anymore!' and rolled with it.

At least the straight couples had the flimsy excuse of 'you're hot, I'm hot, let's bang', but Malec doesn't even get that.

After that...er... heartwarming paragraph, Magnus goes on to muse on how no Shadowhunter ever asked him out before, which really shouldn't sound as surprising as it does, but okay. Basically, Magnus isn't viewed as a person by Shadowhunters so he's okay to hook up with but not to date, which is, for once, an accurate depiction of how racism often works, so points for that. I just wish those consequences were seen more often.

Magnus' amazement goes on for another paragraph, during which we're treated to references to past installments of the Chronicles, most likely because self-referencing is a Clare pass time—no, really. She does it an awful lot—and then Magnus starts considering the idea that agreeing to date a Shadowhunter might not have been his brightest idea which—finally. Don't get me wrong, I like Malec for what it could be, but there's no denying the fact that they're living in a queerphobic AND racist society, and that automatically puts them at risk, both on individuals and couple levels.

Magnus then goes on to speculate on Alec's motivations to asking him out—it would have been nicer to get them from Alec himself, but we'll make do.

[…] Alec wasn't even all that into Magnus. He was simply responding to the only male attention he'd ever had. Alec was closeted, shy, obviously insecure, and obviously hung up on his blonde friend Trace Wayland, Magnus was fairly certain that was the name, but Wayland had reminded Magnus inexplicably of Will Herondale, and Magnus didn't want to think about Will. He knew the best way to spare himself heartbreak was not to think about lost friends and not to get mixed up with Shadowhunters again.

Let's bullet-list our way through this.

Magnus is speculating here but he's presenting it as facts. Of course, we know CC means it to be canon, but Magnus has no way to know he's right. Considering this, the fact that he presents his speculations as fact just makes him sound arrogant and like someone who thinks he knows Alec better than Alec possibly knows himself. Not exactly the mark of a nice person.

We still can't talk about Alec for more than a page without switching to talking about Ace or Alec's crush on him. Which makes that post I saw on Tumblr today about not reducing Alec to the “gay guy in love with straight best friend” trope even more ironic than it already was. Cassandra Clare started it, people,it's kind of hard to expect the fandom not to go for it. (Although I, too, want the fandom to rise above the quality of these books tbh so, really, keep campaigning please!) +1 point in the “Mandatory mention of Jace” category.

City of Heavenly Fire established the Bane Chronicles as SPOILER something Magnus wrote after he and Alec got back together. They had to get back together because Alec fucked up big time, and Alec fucked up big time in great part because he was jealous of Magnus' previous relationships, particularly the one he assumed Magnus had with Will Herondale. Magnus always denied the existence of this relationship, but pretty much every mention of Will Herondale in TBC has sounded weirdly romantic. And now CC/Magnus clearly associates the idea of dating Shadowhunters and Will Herondale. Cassandra Clare is literally so obsessed with the Herondales she doesn't realize she's making everyone sound like they want to bang them.

I'm amending the “Mention Jace” category to turn it into “Mandatory reference to the Herondales” and adding a point to it, +0.5 points as a combo bonus.

We then go on to learn that Magnus called Cat as soon as Alec left to tell her everything that happened. I sure hope she got more details than we did because otherwise, it must have been a fairly boring and disappointing story (granted, Magnus is not a professional storyteller, but still).

Catarina, once again, asks the sensible questions and, to my everlasting disappointment, Magnus picks the most offensive answer possible:

“Did you agree to go out with him because you think the Lightwoods are jerks and you want to show them you can corrupt their baby boy?” asked Catarina.

Magnus balanced his feet on Chairman Meow. “I do think the Lightwoods are jerks,” he admitted. “And that does sound like something I'd do. Damn it.”

“No, it doesn't really,” said Catarina. “You're sarcastic twelve hours a day, but you're almost never spiteful. You have a good heart under all the glitter.”

Catarina was the one with the good heart. Magnus knew exactly whose son he was, and where he came from.

“Even if it was spite, no one could blame you, not after the Circle, after all that happened.”

I like the bullet-list format for pointing you what's wrong with a particular paragraph, especially when there are combos like this one, so let's go for that again.

If Magnus admits he could date Alec out of spite, having Catarina deny it doesn't necessarily cancel it. You're still making Magnus sound like an ass, Clare.

You can't balance or rest your feet on a cat, it'll hurt him. Some dogs can bear it because they're big enough but I doubt a cat can fit in that category.

Aside from yet another reference to Magnus' clothing style (I'm adding a point to that category, btw) Catarina's line about the glitter is nothing more than an informed quality that has been widely contradicted through the Bane Chronicles (and, arguably, in some aspects of Magnus' actions in TMI). Long story short, I don't put much stock in it tbh.

Once again, we see Cassandra Clare's weird obsession with blood and her warped version of genetics since, apparently, being biologically related to someone in these series means you inherit their personality traits and biggest flaws. See: how everyone reacted to Fakebastian and, of course, the Infamous Herondale Case. (Unexpected category addition: Bloodlines fetish!)

Actually, yes, if Magnus decided to date Alec out of spite he could still be blamed, because that would mean manipulating a minor in a very vulnerable position for his personal gain. Yes, it would be understandable for Magnus to do it, but that wouldn't make it right.

Magnus hears this and starts musing about the Polish restaurant across his house, and then thinks of Alec and how shy and happy he was when he asked Magnus out and Magnus said yes. As always, Cassandra Clare's priorities disturb me.

At least we get confirmation that Magnus said yes because of Alec—I'm still waiting to hear what attracted him to Alec (because let's face it, there are truly objectifying moments in Magnus' words about Alec and I'm worried this is wall we're going to get tbh.)

Magnus then starts discussing possible escape strategies in case his date with Alec goes wrong for whatever reason. It's a logical move, both from an emotional perspective (because nobody likes to be trapped in a terrible date) and regarding the fact that Alec is a Shadowhunter.

Whicht obviously means CC needs to dumb it down as soon as possible, and treats it like a joke by introducing ridiculous code nobody with half a brain would ever seriously think of using, especially not, I should hope, after three to eight hundred years of existence.

Add to that the fact that Magnus' plan ends up being to just text “Abort” and let Catarina do the rest of the work, and really, it doesn't do anything to make me think better of Cassandra Clare's writing. (Also apparently Magnus has now called in all his dating favors for the century which sounds... I mean, okay, IF CC actually took the consequences of Magnus and Alec dating in their world, then I'd understand. As it is, it mostly feels like Catarina has a really, really short supply of support for Magnus' dating endeavor.

The flashback (because it was one, just very poorly signaled. See, CC, this is where you can use scene breaks! Also, different tenses.) ends and we get to a description of Magnus' outfit for his date, which he wears for purely aesthetic reasons.

Again, this isn't bad in itself—who doesn't try to look good for a first date?--but the constant insistence on Magnus' clothes and his focus on his appearance are not innocent—not when it's a bisexual man we're talking about. This is an oversexualizing pattern, and it's a stereotype bisexual people still suffer from too much to ignore. (Besides, the fact that we're also constantly reminded that Magnus dresses outside of stereotypically masculine codes implies that his bisexuality makes him less of a man, which is queerphobic as fuck. The line in itself is small, but considering there's a combo of queerphobia+sexism means I'm adding a point to the “fuck feminism” category.)

Wel also learnthat Alec is 30min late which, okay, would be enough to make anyone nervous, I would just have liked to actually see that, you know?

The probability was that Alc's nerve had broken—that he had weighed his life, complete with his precious Shadowhunter duty, against a date with a guy he didn't even like that much—and he was not coming at all.

Another possibility is that Alec got too scared to come, you know.

However, Magnus' scorn of Alec's shadowhunter duty could be an interesting point in this relationship, really, if it was actually followed upon through the stories... unfortunately, the most consistent thing we get is Magnus' mentions of Alec's stamina rune and its use in bed. Le sigh.

But anyway, one overly complicated cocktail (which I assume is Cassandra Clare's way of reminding us that Magnus is a warlock, since we might have forgotten that after seven pages without magic) later, Magnus decides he'll get wasted and shrugs the whole thing off.

Which, of course, means the buzzer rings, and we get a—you guessed it—scene break.

For one second, I thought it doubled as a POV shift signal, which would have made me forgive it, but no. The scene break is literally just there to make us go from the moment the buzzer rings to about two minutes later, when Alec arrives at Magnus' door.

This would have been accomplished just as well by a sentence such as “Magnus buzzed Alec through, and when he opened the door he found himself face to face with an oddly sweaty shadowhunter.” Okay, my example is a terrible sentence, and you should definitely not take it as a model, but you get the gist of the idea.

So yes, I should have seen this coming before but, unexpected tick number two: that's not how scene breaks work!

The ways Magnus describes Alec starts out as expectedly unflattering—I say expectedly because, apparently, Alec has been running and sweating, which is rarely a very flattering look. Magnus is surprised to see Alec here, which is understandable but doesn't mean I'm letting him off the hook for his previous actions.

Magnus is trying vey hard to look like he doesn't give a fuck, which... alright, I guess I could buy it, but it still strikes me as stupid and unnecessarily mean tbh. Predictably, Alec believes Magnus doesn't care (at this point I'm starting to think he doesn't care either, and I've been in his head the whole time) and he immediately starts apologizing:

“I'm sorry I'm late,” Alec panted. “Jace wanted to do some weapons training, and I didn't know how to get away—I mean, I couldn't tell him—”

“Oh, Jace, that's it,” said Magnus.

“What?” said Alec.

“I briefly forgot the blonde one's name,” Magnus explained, with a dismissive flick of his fingers.

Alec looked staggered. “Oh. I'm—I'm Alec.”

Magnus' hand paused mid-dismissive-flick. The gleam of city light through the window reflected off the blue jewels on his fingers, casting bright blue sparks that caught fire and then tumbled and drowned in the deep blue of alec's eyes.

Alec had made an effort, Magnus thought, though it took a trained eye to spot it. The light-blue shirt fit him considerably better than the unholy gray sweater that alec had been wearing on Tuesday. He smelled vaguely of cologne. Magnus felt unexpectedly touched.

“Yes,” said Magnus slowly, and then he smiled slowly as well, “Your name I remember.”

Alright, bullet list time again (I really like bullet lists. It's a nifty way to keep my rants somewhat contained.)

Alec apologizes for being late, and Magnus only hears the part where he says Jace's name. The underlying message here is that Magnus doesn't actually give a fuck if Alec is late and, by extension, that he doesn't actually give a fuck about their dates. Way to set up the mood, Magnus. (Ps: This is the second time I get the sense that Magnus doesn't actually care about Alec, so I'm making it a Bingo category and adding 1pt to it.)

The fact that Alec automatically assumes Magnus (who agreed to go on a date with him) forgot his name, should be a pretty strong indicative of several things. a) His levels of self-esteem are so low it's bordering on the pathological side of things, and this is something that should definitely be addressed. b) The fact that Magnus doesn't pick up on that and merely smiles like it's a cute thing Alec does really brings into question the amount of interest he has for Alec. I mean, okay, they don't know each other much but this is a serious red flag. If Magnus were actually interested, he'd at least try to adopt a reassuring tone. As it is, this mostly feels like he doesn't give a fuck. Do I dare make it another point? Why yes, I do. That's two point int the “Magnus doesn't care” category in one paragraph, and I should probably add 0.5 pt for the combo, but I don't have the strength tbh.

Again, this is Magnus' head. The fact that we get a description of his jewels before we even get to Alec's face and reaction suggests that this is the order in which he thinks of those elements, and therefore implies that he's more interested in his rings than he's interested in Alec. This adds both to the fact that Magnus doesn't give a shit about Alec (+0.5Pts in this category) and to the fact that he's a completely superficial character, which warrants +0.5Pts in the Stereotypes category.

After this charming tidbit, Magnus figures maybe it doesn't matter that Alec seems to be into Jace... It does, actually, but I suppose that's the kind of things Cassandra Clare doesn't care about. But yes, basically, it does, because even if the situation is creepy and the only reason for Magnus to be interested in Alec right now is his physical appearance (at least it's the only one I can discern so far) it's still not really a good idea for Manus to get into a relationship with someone who's interested in another guy. I mean, come on, that's the 101 of dating: your partner should be into you, not their adopted brother. (Or at the very least, he should be into bboth at the same time, and you work it out from there.

Also, we get a jibe at people who know they're pretty, because apparently knowing you're attractive is bad—as opposed to, you know, acting like an ass about it, which is not the same thing. (compare, for example, with Isabelle: she knows she's attractive, but she doesn't rub it in everyone's face. Jace on the other hand, does have a tendency to do that.)

After that, Magnus decides it's a good idea to compare Jace ( who he seems to remember a hell of a lot better all of a sudden. Does that mean I should add a “Herondales are hot” box?) to Alec, and here's what we get:

If Jace was gold, catching the light and the attention, Alec was silver: so used to everyone else looking at Jace that that was where he looked too, so used to living in Jace's shadow that he didn't expect to be seen. Maybe it was enough to be the first person to tell Alec that he was worth being seen ahead of anyone in a room, and of being looked at longest.

And here it is, our first point in the “Alec doesn't know he's beautiful” category. Now, let's get a little into why this is not the romantic quote some people have been making it out to be.

The thing is, this paragraph romanticizes something that is detrimental to Alec's mental health and makes it sound like it's one of his most desirable traits. It's like Magnus took a look at Alec, saw he was anorexic, and went “woah look at hos thin he is! That's so pretty!”. This is just plain toxic and disrespectful of Alec, as well as making Magnus sound like a predator. No, really, he is.

See, it's not coincidence that my bingo category for Alec's self-esteem issue paraphrazes a 1Direction song title: it's because that song and Cassandra Clare share the same logic. i.e., that Alec's low self-esteem is what's attractive about him—that his value lies in how little he values himself, and that if he developed any form of confidence, he would instantly become less attractive. To paraphrase Stephen Colbert (I think): Low hanging fruits take less effort to pick up... and this, boys and girls and kids of every gender, is the reasoning of a predator and a creep, not that of a loving partner.

Also, can I point out that we go from Magnus thinking Alec has terrible self esteem, to Magnus thinking of himself as “the first to tell him he's loveable”? Because this, children, means Magnus puts himself in the position of a savior. These are not the words of a character interested in helping another, these are the words of someone interested in being seen as a savior because he deigns to see Alec. Basically what Cassandra Clare is selling you here is “look how nice Magnus is! He'll even tell Alec he's pretty!” and that's a fucking fraud. No one, and I repeat, no one should ever be expected to be grateful to be loved. If your significant other makes you feel like that, run like the fucking wind, because they're an asshole, and you deserve better.

Magnus finally ends up telling Alec not to worry about being late, and then offers him a drink. I'm not particularly bent on preventing underage kids from drinking (esp. when Alec's turning 18 soon and there are chances he'd be drinking anyway) but the fact that it's Magnus' go to doesn't sit very well with me tbh.

Magnus puts a glass in Alec's hand, Alec spills it, and Magnus mocks him for it—possibly, it's intended to be light-hearted rather than mocking, but given the way Magnus is written in this story so far, it sounds like he's an ass, and Sarah Rees Brenan (who apparently wrote this short) deserves an award for managing to have an even more terrible characterization than Cassandra Clare. And let's face it, that's saying something.

Alec apologizes again—I get the feeling it's going to be a Thing here—and then Magnus moves on to small talk about his parties and vampire throwing up. It's not exactly glamorous but I guess it's progress? Sort of?

Alec points out he doesn't know any vampire outside of when he kills them—not in so many words, but it's kind of implied—and Magnus wonders what Alec is doing in his apartment which, honestly, fuck you Magnus. You're a multicentennial man who's had literal hundreds of years to figure out who you were and what you wanted. It is YOUR job to make sure things go well, not Alec's. If you didn't want to end up with the responsibility of making sure things go as well as possible for both of you, you should have said no.

And then we get an “at least they'd be well dressed” mention which, woah, fuck you SRB, fuck you so much. I didn't think anyone could make me think of Cassandra Clare's characterization as preferable to theirs. That's how terrible it is.

Anyway, Magnus decides Alec's clothes are terrible, so their being soaked in wine (or is it his super special cocktail of doom?) is a godsend because he can finally do what every queer man is genetically programmed to do: A MAKEOVER :DDDD (That slimy thing oozing out of the screen is sarcasm, btw.)

We're treated to a full paragraph about Magnus' closet, which I'm sorely tempted to count as a point in the Liveread Bingo, but even I have to admit it might be a little vindictive. It's still a sore point though, especially when we go from that to yet another reminder that Magnus has weird clothes (+1pt, and I'd like to point out that we've had a Bingo for a while now. We're only 11 pages into this story. Out of 40. ETA: As you’ll see, my in-read bingo count kind of sucks. the version you’ll find at the end is accurate, though.)

Ahem. So, Magnus goes to get Alec a clean shirt (sequined, because it seems Magnus can't survive without glitter) and stops dead in his track when he comes back and finds Alec with his shirt off in the living room. I have to share the next quote because really, it makes me want to flip a table.

The room was illuminated only by a reading lamp; all the other light came from outside the windows. Alec was painted with streetlights and moonlight, shadows curling around his biceps and the slender indentation of his collarbones, his torso all smooth, sleek, bare skin until the dark line of his jeans. There were runes on the flat planes of his stomach and the silvery scars of old Marks snaked around his ribs, with one on the ridge of his hip. His head was bowed, his hair black as ink, his luminously pale skin white as paper. He looked like a piece of art, chiaroscuro, beautifully and wonderfully made.

Magnus had heard the story of how the Nephilim were created many times. They must have forgotten the bit that said: And the Angel descended from on high and gave his chosen ones fantastic abs.

Well, it's time to say hi again to our new best friend: the bullet list.

First of all, the fact that Alec ends up shirtless in less than ten minutes since he entered Magnus' apartment smells like the beginning of a porno, which is honestly plain disturbing. Real life isn't porn. Relationships aren't porn (even those that are based solely one sex aren't porn but in this case, it's implied there is to be emotional bonding so definitely not porn). By that logic, the opening to their first date shouldn't look like porn.

I had complaints about Cassandra Clare's tendency to refer to Alec only though his sexual potential and I didn't think it could be worse. Sarah Rees Brennan just proved me wrong. (also, at this point, I'm adding an unexpected tick/category called Alec the Sex Toy, and you can't stop me.)

I am so, so, so sick of this trend of presenting teenagers with the bodies of 20+ yo people, and I'm really tired to see it's transpiring into literature. Alec isn't even 18yet! Chances are his voice hasn't fully settled and he's got pimples all over—please stop trying to pretend he'll look like a Greek sculpture, thanks! (And that's not even going into the fact that he's supposed to have scars all over his body and you won't make me believe all of them scarred pretty)

Does SRB truly believe Alec was born with those abs? Like, are we actually implying that Shadowhunters are genetically ripped and there's no training or physical activity involved in their apparition? Because yes, I know, this is supposed to make me smile and nod but like... no? That's actually just creepy and objectifying and misleading and I want this story to stop already. I swear I'll be good just... let me get back to Cassandra Clare's brand of bad, please. It's bad, but not quite that bad.

And if you thought that paragraph was cringe-worthy, wait until you hear the next sentence:

Magnus exercised heroic self-control, smiled, and offered the shirt.

Wow, fucking good for you Magnus, glad to learn you're capable of not sexually assaulting your underage boyfriend because it sounds

so hard

. Really, the stuff of true love over there /throws up/.

I mean, actually here, have the rest of the page because I can't with how disgustingly objectifying it is.

(Also keep in mind that, aside from my commentary, nothing separates the last three quotes from each other. It's just a full quarter page of grossness.)

“I’m—sorry about being a lousy date,” Alec muttered.

“What are you talking about?” Magnus asked. “You’re a fantastic date. You’ve only been here ten minutes, and I already got half of your clothes off.”

Alec looked equal parts embarrassed and pleased. He’d told Magnus he was new to all this, so anything more than mild flirting might scare him off. Magnus had a very calm and normal date planned: no surprises, nothing unexpected.

“Come on,” said Magnus, and grabbed a red leather duster. “We’re going to dinner.”

We get a scene break done right, which is rare enough in these chronicles to be mentioned, and then we shift to Magnus and Alec on the subway.

Alec, as you know if you read the TMI seris, likes to go out under a glamour and is uncomfortable about having to interact with mundanes—uncomfortable enough, in fact, that he's acting like a cornered animal. So naturally, when he asks if he can use a glamour rune, Magnus' first response is this:

“No. I'm not looking like I'm alone on a Friday night just because you don't want mundanes staring at you.”

First of all, I am so counting this as two points in the “Does Magnus give a shit?” category because this isn't even a question, it's a straight-up negative answer. (Keep in mind, we're on page 12 of this story, and this is already the third tick in this category which, honestly, I hadn't even planned on having in the first place.)

Secondly, kids, please, if you significant other(s) treat you like this—if they straight up disregard your discomfort because it doesn't fit the image of themselves they want to give, by all means, run like the fucking wind. Seriously. This shit is not funny. It's not romantic. It's not healthy. It's a fucking precursor of over controlling behavior at the very least, emotional abuse at worst. Do. Not. Accept. This.

After that, Magnus and Alec sit down. Magnus thinks things are awkward, and the fact that it's not connected to the previous exchange at all really says a lot about how much he cares about Alec. (Hint: he doesn't.)

Alec was utterly silent. Magnus was fairly sure he wanted nothing more than to go home.

AND WHOSE FUCKING FAULT IS THAT YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE???

But obviously no, we can't blame Magnus for behaving like and ass because that would mean admitting what the authors find cute is actually really fucked up and borderline fetishist. Instead, we move on to describing a couple of informational posters about impotence.

Because in case Magnus' thoughts aren't enough to remind you that Alec's value lies in his physical fitness and prowess, then we'll throw poster-shaped symbolism at you and make it clear that impotentce really is the couple's worst enemy. What? What's that Ace spectrum you speak of? Please, there's no ace spectrum—everyone wants to bang, and not being able to is pure torture, of fucking course. (Yes, that's another point in the “Fuck feminism” category, plus 0.5 for the ace erasure + ageism combo.)

Also of course, Magnus assumes Alec is worrying about Magnus' sexual performances. Because clearly, there's nothing else for him to be worried about right now, right? I just can't—you know what, I'm counting that as 0.5 points for the “Does Magnus care” category.

At the next stop, two dudes come into the subway train, and confirm that this story will be placed under the banner of sexual innuendos and poorly-concealed references by proceeding to poledance in the wagon, complete with some...er... “poetry” called “The Butt Song.”

“Roses are red and they say love's not made to last,

But I know I'll never get enough of that sweet, sweet ass.

All that jelly in your jeans, all that junk in your trunk,

I just gotta have it—one look and I was sunk.

If you ever wonder why I had to make you mine,

It's 'cause no other lady has a tush so fine.

They say you're not a looker but I don't mind.

What I'm looking at is the view from behind.

Never been romantic, don't know what love means,

But I know I dig the way you're wearing those jeans.

Hate to see you leave, but love to watch you go.

Turn back, then leave again—baby do it slow.

I'm coming right after, gonna make a pass,

Can't get enough of that sweet, sweet ass.”

So let me remind everyone of a thing re: song lyrics in fiction, just to make sure we're on the same page.

When you start quoting a poem or a song in a work, it's because it applies to your characters (and/or setting) at that moment of the story. One example would be Katniss' song “The Hanging Tree” in Mockingjay, where the theme of the song (a couple deciding they'd rather be dead than live under the rule of the Capitol) serves to underline both the country and Katniss' situation. Another one can be found in A song of Ice and Fire (In book 4, I think) where a song called “The Lady of the Tree” is used to set up a potential romantic arc between two characters. And of course, there's the entire genre of songfics: you don't do an angsty fic to “It's a small world.”

What I'm getting at here, is that if you introduce a song to your writing, you're automatically telling us something about the scene—and in that case, whoever wrote this (later research seem to contradict Sarah Rees Brennan's authorship of this story) is placing this whole encounter under the sign of very obvious sexual activities.

Now, of course, anyone is entitled to have sex after the first date—in fact, you can bypass dating altogether if that's your thing—but the principle of a good relationship—romantic, sexual or otherwise—is that everyone should be on the same page, which is so not the case here.

Here's what we know about Alec and the situation so far:

Alec is completely unexperienced in the dating & sexing area—this is his very first date—which means he's more vulnerable to pressure than he would be a couple of years down the line.

By contrast, Magnus is several centuries old, with plenty of romantic and sexual experience, meaning that by default he is in a position of power over Alec—not in a general sense, I agree. Class-wise, Alec is the one with the privilege. But within the limits of their relationship, there's a very clear imbalance of power in favor of Magnus here, which is important to keep in mind because:

He's already dismissed Alec's discomfort a couple of lines earlier. Now the story introduces a blatantly sexual song which, as is stated two lines later, makes Alec extremely uncomfortable, and Magnus extremely amused.

If Alec's discomfort in the face of sexual content makes Magnus laugh, what's going to happen when they get to actual sex and Alec doesn't feel comfortable? Is Magnus going to ignore that, too? As a woman, that kind of behavior would send seriously wrong vibes to me, and I dare anyone to replace Alec with Isabelle in this story and not think Magnus sounds like a predator—I dare anyone to read this with a female protag, and tell me they would feel perfectly comfortable with Magnus, that they would never worry about him respecting their boundaries.

Personally, I wouldn't be.

At least, Magnus has the good taste to keep his amusement to himself and we even get a throwaway line about his relief when leaving the wagon so I guess it could be worse.

After that, a guy tries to pickpocket Magnus. Alec seizes the guy and throws him up in the air... part of me wants to call it an overreaction but taking into account that there's no saying if the guy is armed and that Alec lives a life of constant danger (which would account for his testiness) I can accept it. I'm not convinced it's intentional, but I can accept it.

Alec's eyes were a little wide. Magnus suspected that he had been acting on reflex and has not actually intended to use force meant for demon foes against a mundane.

I think it might have been done on purpose. I'll be honest, at this point, I'm surprised.

Anyway the pickpocket ends up on the ground with Alec's foot on his throat and people, unsurprisingly, stop to stare at them—see Magnus, you should have gone for the glamour after all. It's not like you can't use one too.

The Mundane kind of freaks out and apologizes because “I didn't know you were a ninja”. It doesn't really feel natural to me, but that's nothing compared to what happens after Alec mumbles he's not a ninja:

“You were amazing,” [a girl] told [Alec], her voice fluting. “You have the reflexes of a striking snake. You should be a stuntman. Really, with your cheekbones, you should be an actor. A lot of people are looking for someone as pretty as you who'd do his own stunts.”

First of all, I have trouble believing things would really happen like that but I guess I could be wrong. Secondly, does Cassandra Clare realize there are other ways to compliment people than telling them they look good? Because that's the first thing this woman goes for in her speech. This constant emphasis on looks honestly irks me, especially in works marketed to teenagers—they've got enough self-image issues fodder as it is, there's no need to make it sound like looking good is the most important thing in their lives.

Alec looks at Magnus with a terrified look, Magnus responds by going “hands off my man” on the woman, who actually apologizes. Again, something I could have tolerated (though not approved of) without the broader context of Alec being objectified.

Magnus tells the woman/agent/whatever she's supposed to be that she can't hire Alec because he's foreign and doesn't have a social security number. Then, when the woman goes “oh, too bad,” Magnus adds that Alec is wanted by Interpol. Aside from being a very stupid thing to say, this prompts Alec to demonstrate that he doesn't know what Interpol is. Because in these Chronicles it's completely possible to live right beside mundanes for 15 years and not pick up the basics.

Well, I guess we have one more point in the worldbuilding category then because let's face it, it doesn't make sense, no matter how you spin it. Seriously—this would work if they lived in Idris, not with kids who live smack in the middle of New York.

It's only after that that Alec picks up on the fact that Magnus called him a real knockout.

Magnus raised an eyebrow at him. “You had to know I thought so. Why else would I agree to go on a date with you?”

I don't know Magnus, why else

do you

go on dates with anyone beside their looks, uh?

Maybe you could ave been intrigued. Maybe you thought Alec being nice and compassionate to you instead of insulting you was reason enough to give him a chance. Maybe you could have shown a modicum of interest for anything that isn't Alec's body, but no. Your insistence on mentioning Alec's body at every turn screams of objectification and I'm suspecting someone *coughclarecough* has a fetish for queer male relationships tbh.

The worst part is that the next line makes it sound like Magnus is surprised. As if there couldn't be any reason beside Alec's look to go out with him. Fuck you, Magnus, and fuck you Clare, for giving us this piece of Canon.

(I'm adding 1pt to the “does Magnus even give a fuck?” category, and another one to the “Alec is treated like a dildo” category.)

The pickpocket interrupts this “nice moment” (Magnus' words, definitely not mine) by offering to give Magnus' wallet back. Said wallet bites him, and Magnus seems to feel rather satisfied about that—take that, stupid mundanes! (I'm counting it as an unexpected tick in the Clare bingo, btw, because it's been a recurring thing in those chronicles so far.)

We then go on a tangent about Magnus' wallets and their various effects, which provides for a nice occasion to name-drop a designer and have Alec remind us that he's clueless about fashion. It's funny because he's the gay guy and he doesn't know a thing about fashion, see? These books are so hilarious and queer-friendly! :D And I'm adding another point to the stereotypes category! :D

Anyway, the “”””funny”””” moment continues with ridiculously improbable remarks from the pickpocket and agent woman, until we get to this:

[The pickpocket] shot Alec a look that bordered on hero worship. “I didn't know gay dudes could fight like that. Like, no offense. It was badass.”

So charming. I love it when people dish out backhanded compliments like that! It's so funny and quirky and I love it because miccroagressions are fun! :DDD

Magnus goes “you've learned about tolerance tonight” like we're on a kiddies show (oh, the nightmare!) and then we finally go back to Alec who is understandably freaking out because he's just been outed in front of dozens of people. (ETA: I’m starting to see a pattern here re: Malec and outing.)

“WE ARE LEAVING NOW,” said Magnus, in his best High Warlock voice. He was worried that Alexander was planning to fling himself into the path of an oncoming train.

I don't even have the words to explain how wrong this is.

Like, I'm not a hypocrite: I say things like 'shoot me' or 'I just want to die' when it's not true, and those things do count as suicide jokes. What I don't do is tell someone to go kill themselves, even as a joke. What I don't do is make a suicide joke with people who have a history of suicidal behavior.

Queer kids in the USA are 4 to 5 times more likely to attempt suicide than straight kids. That number climbs up to being 9 times more likely if they live in an unsupportive environment, and Alec definitely lives in an unsupportive environment. What on earth made anyone think inserting this joke into the narration was acceptable? What on Earth made anyone think this was funny? This is disgusting, plain and simple, and Cassandra Clare should be ashamed of calling herself an ally while publishing that kind of things.

They left the platform a chorus of well-wishers. Alec looked as if he wished only for the sweet release of death.

THIS. IS. NOT. FUNNY. THIS IS NOT A JOKE. MAGNUS SHOULD BE CONCERNED FOR ALEC'S WELL BEING RIGHT NOW, NOT MAKING JOKES DAMNIT. KIDS ARE READING THESE CHRONICLES SPECIFICALLY BECAUSE OF MALEC. AMONG THEM THERE WILL BE KIDS WHO ARE THINKING ABOUT SUICIDE BECAUSE OF THE QUEERPHOBIA THEY FACE IN THEIR LIVES, AND YOU ARE TREATING IT LIKE A JOKE—LIKE IT'S NOT SERIOUS AND DOESN'T MATTER. WHAT. THE FUCK. IS WRONG. WITH YOU????

I'm just so—I can't even—I hate this book so much! God this is disgusting ><

Okay, cool it Fanfan. We'll get through this—how fast, I don't know, but we'll get through this.

The scene cuts to when Magnus and Alec arrive at the restaurant and it's... a Downworlders' restaurant.

Alright, look, I've already ranted at length about why it's ridiculous that Magnus even insists on his relationship with Alec being public and why it's a dangerous choice, I'm going to spare you the details—though feel free to click on the link if you're interested. But the problem here is that even if you ignore that fact, Downworlders environments are (understandably) hostile to Shadowhunters. It's just not a place where Alec can feel at ease, not when he's trying to keep his sexuality a secret, not when he might see people who know his parents, and not when there's a risk—slim, but real—that someone will decide to rattle Alec out to his parents.

Like, going in a public place is already a questionable choice, given Alec's position and insecurities, but it could work. But then why didn't Magnus—who is 500+ years old and very intimate with oppression—think of going in a Mundane's restaurant? If he looks the same age as Alec, no one would have been the wiser. But of course, he didn't think of that, and you know why?

Because Cassandra Clare neither understands how oppression works, nor does she give an actual fuck about it. At best, she's fetishizing queer sexuality, and that is not being a good ally. At best, that's being a terrible ally and, at worst, that's being a homophobe—and the fact that Cassandra Clare is parading around claiming to be such a great ally disgusts me.

But, as I was saying, Malec reaches the restaurant. We get a reference to Magnus' past dates, because apparently that's his traditional date spot—nice to know he puts some effort into it, and congrats on making him sound like a serial dater and contributing to the Slutty Bi stereotype. Stay classy, Clare. Also:

It was on the shady, shabby side, so Shadowhunters dit not frequent it.

Well apparently they don't frequent mundane places either since they don't know what Facebook or Interpol are so why did you have to bring your date to a Downworlder's shack instead of a decent mundane restaurant?

Ahem. So, they get inside, Alec smells something fishy but lets Magnus lead the way—he's been the most passive date ever so far tbh—and the inevitable happens:

The moment Magnus stepped into the restaurant, he realized he'd made a terrible mistake.

The second the door closed behind them a terrible silence fell around the big, low-lit room There was a crash as one diner, an ifrit with flaming eyebrows, dove behind a table.

Magnus looked at Alec and realized what they saw: even if he wasn't wearing gear, his arms bore runes, and his clothes showed signs that he was wearing weapons. Nephilim. Magnus might as well have walked into a Prohibition-Era speakeasy flanked by police officers holding tommy guns.

NO FUCKING SHIT SHERLOCK??? Taking Alec to a Downwolder's shack was a bad idea? Who fucking knew???

How did you even get out of the subway without trouble if Alec's weapons are that easy to spot?

The clusterfuck continues, with Magnus internally complaining that dating sucks—which begs the question of why he even bothered considering he doesn't give a fuck about Alec—and then the owner of the Mexican-Italian restaurant, named Luigi (I know, I sighed too) comes in, panicked because he thinks the Shadowhunters have organized a raid.

Magnus promises he's here with Alec to eat and talk, which doesn't raise any reaction because Magnus is super chummy with Shadowhunters (and also because Cassandra Clare doesn't get that oppression has consequence instead of being a nifty concept you can just throw around willy nilly).

Alec finally gets to speak again, only to he's off-duty and clear his throat. Then he's shoved right back to the background, because so far he's mostly been a glorified prop.

They get a table in the most hidden table of the restaurant, and then their werewolf waiter enters the scene, and feels very uncomfortable at having Alec as a customer. This is a perfectly natural reaction considering the social situation between Downworlders and Shadowhunters so, obviously, he has to be painted as a ridiculous and uptight moron—and Magnus even actively takes part in it, of course. Stay classy, Magnus.

Alec valiantly tries to steer the conversation to the specials of the menu, but Erik (the waiter) says he can't remember them because of stress (a Shadowhunter killed his uncle wich, let's face it, is probably not a very rare backstory). This is, again, an understandable sentiment, but it's delivered in the most obnoxious way possible, probably so no one questions Magnus' ultimate superiority and the magic of being right all the fucking time.

“I've never killed anyone's uncle,” said Alec.

“How would you know?” demanded Erik. “When you're about to kill someone, do you stop and ask them if they have nephews?”

“I kill demons,” Alec said. “demons don't have nephews.”

On second thoughts, I like it better when Alec doesn't speak. This way he doesn't sound like an obnoxious ass.

No one reacts, of course, because why would we take this setting to its logical conclusion and let the general situation become tense, uh? And then Magnus orders for both himself and Alec, while Erik the waiter gets ridiculously aggressive which, again, doesn't feel like someone who's actually fearing for his life.

Pro-tip: when in an Oppressor vs. oppressed situation, it's generally the oppressor who does the goading, not the other way around. Why? Because the Oppressor isn't at risk of ending up in trouble with the law, severely injured or dead if he misbehave. The oppressed does.

“Do you want a drink?” the waiter asked Alec pointedly, adding sotto voce. “Or do you want to stab someone? If you absolutely have to, maybe you could stab the guy in the corner wearing the red shirt. He tips terribly.”

Alec opened and shut his mouth, then opened it again. “Is this a trick question?”

“Please go,” said Magnus.

Aaand that's one more point in the “Magnus doesn't give a fuck about Alec” category. Because if he did, he wouldn't ask the waiter to leave, he would insist they leave. Yes, Alec said a couple line earlier that he was willing to stick it out, but there's no way this is going to end well, and Magnus should see that and insist to leave. Alec comes from a warrior culture—chances are they despise weakness, which makes it highly probably he's only sticking it out to avoid appearing weak. Furthermore, the fact that Magnus outright ignored his discomfort on at least two occasions now is another reason why he might be unwilling to admit he want to leave, hence, that's

Magnus'

job.

But Magnus, as has been the case from the beginning, does not give a fuck.

(For those who counted, that means we're now at 5.5 points for this category. The only one higher than that is the Fuck feminism category, which went from 4 to 9 points after the suicide jokes.)

Erik leaves with their orders, and Alec and Magnus end up sitting together in silence, because alec is having a horrifying time—customers have left the restaurant after seeing him, he's embarrassed (probably blaming himself, from what we've seen of the character so far) and basically I cannot even fathom how this series is going to justify Alec's agreeing to go on a second date after this.

(Except I totally know because 17yo me wouldn't have known how to leave either. I would have probably bitten the bullet the whole way through, and then cried myself to sleep and blamed myself for the whole mess. That's why 24yo me wants to take Alec out of there, wrap him in a blanket, and never let Magnus come near him again.)

The food arrives, with several Ethiopian (not Mexican) dishes that aren't described at all, which means I'm just staring at a list of foreign names with no idea what they are. Alec eats fast—because he's a 17yo boy, or because he wants to get out asap? My bet is on both.

Alec did make short work of the food, and seemed to know he was supposed to eat with his fingers without being told. He was a New Yorker, Magnus thought, even if he was a Shadowhunter too.

Dude, you can't just say Alec & co don't even know what Interpol and Facebook are, and then use the fact that they live in NY to justify his knowledge about food—especially when Nephilim are supposedly an extremely diverse bunch, and Alec could have learned about Ethiopian food with them. I mean, the one time you could justify him having learned something about Mundanes without being in contact with mundanes, you don't. This is hopeless. (and also one more point in the wonky worldbuilding category)

Once he's done eating, Alec makes another try at a conversation, that completely ignores anything that happened right before. Don't get me wrong, soldiering through things is something that happes, I would just expect some mention that he's still kind of nervous—that the encounter with Erik had an effect on him but...

“This is the best Ethiopian I’ve ever had. Do you know a lot about food?” Alec asked. “I mean, obviously you do. Never mind. That was a dumb thing to say.”

“No, it wasn’t,” Magnus said, frowning.

Oh now you act like you care, don't you Magnus. Once things have gone back to a more seemingly normal level, that's when you decide to pick up on thing—fuck you, Magnus, and fuck your writer especially hard because this is just disgusting.

Alec starts choking on his pasta, Magnus calls him Alexander (I hate it tbh. Why won't he call Alec by the name he introduced himself as???). Then Alec tries to wipe his mouth & eyes with his bread, at which point I'm pretty sure he wants the ground to swallow him asap.

Turns out the penne are overspiced, which Magnus assumes comes from the waiter, so he calls Erik over to confront him:

“This penne is much too arrabiata, and you did it on purpose,” Said Magnus when the surly werewolf waiter hove into view.

“Werewolf rights,” Erik grumped. “Crush the vile oppressors.”

“Nobody has ever won a revolution with pasta, Erik,” said Magnus. “Now go get a fresh dish, or I'll tell Luigi on you.”

But Magnus is such a defender of the oppressed. He cares about Downworlders so much he can't even try to understand why Erik would be angry. Then again, with all the care taken to make Erik sound as ridiculous as possible, it's difficult to notice, I'll admit.

Erik decides this is not the hill he wants to die on and leaves, Magnus proclaims him to be a pill, and Alec answers in the most facepalm-worthy brand of cluelessness:

“Yeah,” said Alec, tearing off a new strip fo injera. “What have the Shadowhunters ever done to him?”

Magnus lifted an eyebrow. “Well, he did mention a dead uncle.”

“Oh”, said Alec, “Right.”

Like, am I seriously expected to believe Alec forgot the dead uncle in less than ten minutes? I would have accepted something along the lines of “

I

didn't kill his uncle” because that's a realistic level cluelessness for someone in his position, but this? This is just dumbing him down for the sake of making Magnus sound like the savy character, nothing more. It's cheap, it's disrespectful, and it's not even done well to boot.

Without surprise, Alec goes back to being embarrassed and just staring at the table—at this point you'd expect the scene to turn into Magnus maybe giving a fuck about how Alec feels and trying to comfort him, right?

Well, you're wrong! Because at this point a “handsome human man” comes into the restaurant. And that human, named Richard is, you guessed it, Magnus' ex. Because this story didn't contain enough nope material yet, we had to add the whole “meeting my date's ex boyfriend on the first date” thing.

Magnus tells Alec the breakup with Richard was amicable, so naturally Richard comes to throw Magnus' glass of wine in his face. Meaning that we can add lying to the list of douchey things Magnus did in this story—it grows longer with pretty much every paragraph tbh.

“Get out while you can,” [Richard] continued to Alec. “Never trust a warlock. They'll enchant the years from your life and the love from your heart!”

“Years?” Magnus spluttered. “It was barely twenty minutes!”

I'm not fond of the racist part but I agree with Richard that Alec should definitely get out of here.

Congratulations on managing to work yet another indication that Magnus is a Flighty Bisexual Man. It's not like bi people suffer from over sexualisation or anything. Let's just add a point to the “fuck feminism” category.

Then, after Richard storms out and Magnus does the traditional “maybe I was wrong about the 'friendly' part, but you know exes, right?”:

Alec studied the tablecloth. There was art in museums given less attention than this tablecloth.

“Not really,” he said. “You're my first ever date.”

This wasn't working. Magnus didn't know why he had thought it might work. He had to get out of this date and not hurt Alec Lightwood's pride too much.

Magnus learns he's Alec's first date ever, and instead of going “crap that's really a lousy first date”, his reaction is to think he has to get out of here, as if it being Alec's first date made it worse for Magnus instead.

WHOSE FUCKING FAULT IS IT IF IT DOESN'T WORK OUT MAGNUS? You've done nothing but ignore Alec through the entire evening, put him in increasingly embarrassing situations and being an all around asshole—if anything, you should be embarrassed at the super low standard you just gave that poor kid. This is disgusting and ridiculous, and I can't even say that's what you get for thinking like a complete creep because the story is already trying to frame it like it's Alec's fault things went to hell in a handbasket!

Why do I say it's framed like it's Alec's fault? Because Magnus texts Cat so she can 'rescue' him from the date, as they planned earlier. Right after Alec stated it was his first date. So what, did you suddenly realize virgin boyfriends weren't as fun and easy as you thought Magnus? Did you decide it wasn't worth the effort?

Not that it matters, honestly, because I hate you anyway.

So Magnus texts Catarina like he's the one who needs to escape (can you hear me gag?) and when Cat calls back, it takes Magnus a ridiculously long time to get that she's calling about an actual emergency. Even after she tells him to bring the Shadowhunter.

And this, ladies and gentlemen, is how you make your main character sound like a complete dumbass for the sake of a bad sitcom joke.

After was is a truly-cringe inducing amount of forced misunderstanding and a meaningless aside about Richard, Cat finally manages to get it through to Magnus “how-thick-can-you-get” Bane that she is actually in dire need of help.

As it turns out, a young werewolf girl went out on a full moon to prove to herself she could have a normal life (how Cat learned about that, I have no idea, but I suppose it doesn't really matter, it's just one more plothole.) A vampire signaled the werewolf (but they're not going to help, because vampires apparently never help. Which I guess means Raphael Santiago isn't a vampire.) and now the werewolf girl (who, I think will remain unnamed) is changing in an unfamliar and crowded place.

Cat can't leave the hospital, Luke's phone is off (hear my sigh of relief) which makes Magnus the nearest person in a position to help. Thankfully, Magnus listens to Cat more than he cares about Alec, which means he agrees to join her asap.

Before leaving, he takes one last look as Alec, and considers wether to bring him along or not:

Catarina had said to bring the Shadowhunter, but Catarina did not have a great deal to do with the Nephilim. Magnus did not want to see Alec cut off some poor girl's head for breaking the Law: he did not want someone else to suffer if he made a mistake in judgment, and he didn't want to find himself hating Alec as he hated so many of the Nephilim.

He also did not want mundanes to be killed.

Are you expecting me to believe Catarina (who is well over 200+ years) doesn't know how Shadowhunters work by now? That she's simply not able to assess that a shadowhunter may be a threat to that girl's life but that they may be able to save other lives? (+1 in the “ufk feminism” category!)

Are you also expecting me to believe that Vampires, who are constantly sold as the werewolves' mortal ennemies, wouldn't jump on the occasion to kill a wolf while uner the protection of the law? I thought those two clans were constantly at each other's throats! (That's a point in the wonky worldbuilding category tbh)

If Magnus really was that worried about Alec being able to kill downworlders without a second thought, then why did he even agree to this date? Because as it is, it mostly sounds like Magnus' dick was stronger than his commng sense when Alec asked him out. Which I'll count as one more point in the 'fuck feminism' category.

Magnus tells Alec it's an emergency and asks if Alec wants to come along:

“Oh, this is a real emergency?” Alec exclaimed, and brightened immeasurably. For a moment Magnus felt pleased that a maddened werewolf was ravaging downtown Manhattan, if it made Alec look like that. “I figured it was one of those things where you arranged to have a friend call you so that you could get out of a sucky date.”

“Ha ha,” said Magnus. “I didn’t know people did that.”

“Uh-huh.” Alec was already standing up, shrugging his jacket on. “Let’s go, Magnus.”

DID YOU ACTUALLY JUST SAY YOU WERE GLAD A DANGEROUS CREATURE WAS ON THE LOSE BECAUSE IT ALLOWS YOU TO HAVE A REAL REASON TO LEAVE AND MAKES ALEC SMILE?

DID YOU JUST USE SOMEONE'S POTENTIAL AND PROBABLE DEATH TO MAKE YOURSELF SOUND LIKE SOME KIND OF KNIGHT IN SHINING ARMOR?

DID YOU JUST PRETEND YOU WERE ENJOYINGYOURSELF TREMENDOUSLY UP UNTIL THEN, AND FOR WHAT EXACTLY? SO YOU CAN MAKE SURE TO GET THE D DOWN THE LINE??

FUCK. YOU. SO. MUCH. MAGNUS. YOU HORRIBLE PIECE OF SHIT I HATE YOU.

Magnus felt a burst of fondness in his chest; it felt like a small explosion, pleasant and startling at the same time. He liked how Alexander said the things that other people thought and never said. He liked how Alec called him Magnus, and not “warlock.” He liked how Alec’s shoulders moved under his jacket. (Sometimes he was shallow.)

And he was cheered that Alec wanted to come. He’d assumed that Alec might be delighted for the pretext to exit an uncomfortable date, but perhaps he’d read the situation wrong.

Magnus threw money down on the table; when Alec made a demurring noise, he grinned. “Please,” he said. “You have no idea how much I overcharge Nephilim for my services. This is only fair. Let’s go.”

As they went out the door they heard the waiter yell “Werewolf rights!” at their backs.

Oh my god. Oh my God. OH MY GOD OH MY GOD. I cannot. Believe. The fucking nerve of that woman oh my god. Okay. Look. I'm gonna try to bullet-list my way through this but it's 2am and this is wrong on so many levels I'm not sure I'll be able to handle gracefully, you've been warned.

Magnus has not given a single fuck about Alec's feelings throughout this story—not a single one—but now Alec acts like a puppy who was allowed to go on a walk with his owner and now Magnus care. Way to fucking set up the mood—Magnus only care about Alec if he's happy and eager to be with him, got it.

If he really likes the fact that Alec treats him like a person, then why the fuck is that not listed in the reasons that pushed Magnus to agree to this date? Oh I know—because he was thinking with his dick and someone realized near the end that it should probably be corrected. Well its too little, too fucking late.

Sometimes he was shallow? Give me a fucking break, Magnus is the poster child for Shallow bisexual, and that's not even going into the frankly gross levels of objectification he subjected Alec to in this story—this is the biggest understatement I've read in these chronicles so far and that's fucking saying something.

“Perhaps he'd read the situation wrong” NO HE DIDN'T. THAT WAS A SHITTY DATE AND NOTHING GOOD CAME OUT OF IT—THE ONLY REASONS WHY ALEC WOULD STAY AT THIS POINT ARE THAT 1) HE'S SO STARVED FOR SOME KIND OF ATTENTION THAT MAGNUS REMEMBERING HIS NAME IS A CAPITAL B BIG DEAL AND 2) THE AUTHOR SAID SO. THIS. IS. NOT. ROMANCE. THIS IS AN UNHEALTHY LEVEL OF SELF ESTEEM THAT MAGNUS IS TAKING ADVANTAGE OF. THIS IS CREEPY AS HELL AND UNHEALTHY AND I WANT TO SLAP THE AUTHOR IN THE FACE SO BAD I CAN'T EVEN EXPRESS IT.

FUCK YOU AND YOUR INSISTENCE ON MAKING OPPRESSED PEOPLE SOUND LIKE VINDICTIVE IDIOTS. FUCK YOU TO HELL AND BACK.

Scene break.

We arrive to the Beauty Bar, which is the place where the werewolf woman started going rogue. People are exiting as fast as fucking possible but then stay on to watch, and I can't help but wonder if this is a borrowed Hollywood thing, of if it's an American thing. Because like, morbid curiosity only takes you so far, you know?

One of the employees warns Magnus not to go inside because there's a monster in there.

I am a monster, Magnus thought. And monsters are his speciality.

So here we have:

Making it all about Magnus, because fuck the innocent passerbys and the werewolf woman (why is it always a woman who goes rogue while trying to deny reality?)

Being overly dramatic for no reason.

Underlining the fact that Downworlders had been dealing with demons and each others for thousands of years before Nephilim were even created, but somehow they've completely forgotten how to do that once other players came onto the field. I've said it before and I'll say it again, lampshading issues in the worldbuilding doesn't erase them, it just makes them more grating. (Also, one more point in the wonky worldbuilding category.)

Fortunately, Magnus knows better than to voice that sentiment aloud so he just says he doesn't believe the employee and goes in. We get some empty words about how the werewolf woman has a soul and is a person, which would be a little less painfully ironic if I actually expected her to get a name. Or, you know, if Magnus didn't regularly dismiss downworlders' struggles.

Apparently the beauty bar is a manicure salon where people also dance (Legally Blonde style? Idk. ETA: I later understood that it was a bar made to look like a beauty salon) but today it's mostly empty and there's blood on the floor.

Alec is nervous, and Magnus doesn't get why until Alec explains he usually hunts with his siblings, and he can't call them (because they'd know he was on a date with Magnus).

Alec blushed just as Magnus realized what he meant. Alec couldn't call his friends because he didn't want them to know he was on a date with Magnus. He especially did not want Ace to know. It was not a particularly pleasant thing to think about, but it was Alec's business.

Magnus you knew the guy was so far in the closet he was getting close to Narnia when you agreed to this date—you have no fucking right to complain about it now. If you don't want to go out with a closeted guy, fine. Don't. But don't pressure him to come out just so you can flaunt a Shadowhunter toyboy! (But who am I kidding? That's what you do in TMI anyway). I'm just... You know, what, I'm counting that as 0.5 Pts in the “fuck feminism” category.

It's not technically queerphobia, but I'm dead tired of this series trying to push kids to come out without regard for the situation because that's just putting them at risk so Cassandra Clare can pat herself on the back for being so inclusive.

(Sidenote: I no longer believe SRB wrote this story. Nothing I've found suggests she had any part in the writing of it, so most signs point out to Cassandra Clare writing alone, and then saying she didn't write the thing when people came to her with negative reception).

Magnus then goes on to reflect that Alec is probably more used to defense than offense. On the one hand, this could be true, although I would argue being an archer doesn't make it necessary, but that's also missing the fact that Alec is also used to working as a team.

There's a reason why soldiers and policemen have assigned partners—it's because you work better and more safely with people you know. Having a fixed organization and people you can depend on is a matter of life or death in Alec's job, and this case hunting alone would not necessarily be better.

What Cassandra Clare fails to understand is that you don't throw someone in a life or death situation without backup, hunting alone should not be a goal, or the mark of a good Shadowhunters. Good soldiers are those who can work in a team and do what they're assigned to—in that way, Alec is actually much better than Jace at his job.

But, since you're apparently not a real man unless you're fighting an army alone and protecting someone, Alec tries his hardest to push Magnus behind him—no matter how out of character it is for him.

Still, it's a nice gesture, which Magnus acknowledges, but the end result is that they're both fighting to stay in front, which is counterproductive at best, dangerous at worst. Then again, when have we bothered with logic in this series?

They manage to get to the werewolf woman regardless, in the back lounge. The description of the room is rather bland, lots of “there were”s and “there was” and then finally, the wolf enter the scene.

Alec goes toward her, she growls in warning (she's also referred to as a wolf, not a woman anymore, because she's only a person until we meet her, apparently). Then she turns back into a woman to attack Alec which defies:

Logic. If you're assuming she's more efficient in her wolf form, why would she go back to her human form to attack?

The rules of werewolves in just about every work of fiction where they're featured, since they're supposed to be unable to control their transformation.

The rules of werewolves as established by Luke in TMI, where he stated only experienced werewolves could resist the full moon (by the way, I know I announced a bingo earlier but actually, this paragaph is the first to give us a tick in the “Retcon!” category and now we have an actual Bingo.)

Wait. No. My bad. The confused writing mislead me—it's actually another woman who hauled herself at Magnus, and yells for him to prevent Alec from hurting the werewolf woman (who is still unnamed and largely undescribed).

The woman (also unnamed, though her hairdo is vaguely described) has a gash on her arm that put the blood on the floor, but insists she's fine. Magnus determines that she's a mundane because... well, apparently because she's lied. I mean, objectvely I suppose there would be ways for Downworlders and Shadowhunters to recognize mundanes, but given that we're never told about those signs, there's really no explanation as to how Magnus does that.

The Mundane woman calls Magnus a dumbass when Magnus points out she knows her friend is a werewolf, then goes on to explain she was the one who encourage werewolf!woman to go out. We narrowly avoid a row of “I'm not the dumbass, you're the dumbass”, and we go back to the situation at hand:

The [Mundane] girl cluthed [Magnus'] arm. She could see Alec, visible as Shadowhunters almost never were to the mundanes. She could see his weapons. She was bleeding too much, and yet her fear was all for someone else.

She's a Mundane, and her friend became a werewolf less than a month ago,

how come

she's already capable of recognizing a Shadowhunter

and

has already integrated the automatic distrust of lifelong downworlders? Don't get me wrong, these things can happen fast, but it's not like the mundane woman is directly concerned, and it's not like people would be getting out of their way to teach her. Even for the werewolf herself to learn all this, it would likely take some time spent in the werewolf community—how come the mundane one knows all of this already?? It simply doesn't make any sense.

Magnus heals the mundane (who looks amazed) and then he asks her to trust him to save the werewolf woman. Magnus then sends the mundane woman outside the bar while Alec gets into a fight with the werewolf woman—whose name we learn is Marcy—and then he turns to Alec.

He saw teeth flash in the dark and did not see Alec, because Alec was a blur of motion, rolling away, then coming back at the wolf.

At Marcy, Magnus though, and at the same time he saw that Alec hadn't forgotten Marcy was a person, or at least that Magnus had asked him to help her.

When we say someone's a blur of motion, it's a metaphor. You can still mostly see what they do (unless it's The Flash). You may not understand how they threw that baddie on the ground, but you can still tell that they did.

If you can't see Alec, how do you even describe what he's doing? (Yes, it's petty. I've had a terrible afternoon and I'm indulging a bit, sorry.)

I love how Magnus the great defender of Downworlders everywhere forgets that Marcy is a person too, but we're supposed to think Alec (who's been taught and conditioned all his life to dehumanize Downworlders) would have been an ass for forgetting about that.

Another fail of logic: Alec is armed (presumably not with his bow, however illogical it would be for him to leave his main weapon at home. Still, people would have noticed it in the subway, just like they noticed the weap—oh, wait. They didn't. It's only Marcy's friend who did. Does that count as an actual retcon? I'm not sure, so I won't add a point) but he's not using any of them to subdue Marcy, because in a fight to the death (which usually happens with werewolves), giving yourself a disadvantage is a smart idea. /sarcasm.

(Just kidding. The sarcasm doesn't end until this gigantic rant is over.)

Magnus calls out for Alec (I still hate that he calls him Alexander, ngl) which proves to be a brilliant idea that causes Alec to look up and nearly get gutted.

Instead of getting annoyed (and he would have a right to be annoyed) Alec puts himself between Magnus and Marcy, and tells Magnus that he has to stay back, presumably for his own safety.

The werewolf, taking advantage of Alec's distraction, growled and sprang. Magnus threw a ball of blue fire at her, knocking her back and sending her spinning. Some yells rose up from the few people still left in the bar, all of whom were hurrying toward the exits. Magnus didn't care. He knew Shadowhunters were meant to protect civilians, but Magnus was emphatically not one.

(I really do love my bullet lists. Trust me, they make things shorter for you, too.)

It was implied about two paragraphs ago that, had Alec used his weapons, it would have been a Bad Thing because he risked injuring Marcy. But somehow Magnus throwing a fireball at her is totally okay, no matter how easily flammable hair is. (Are? English grammar escapes me).

The bar was empty. You said so earlier and ensured it would be when Marcy's friend shooed everyone out. This may be accidental retcon, but it's still retcon. One point in the category, and bingo for real this time. (I'm sorry, I know the points thing might get a little confusing... I'll do a recap at the bottom, don't worry)

So either Magnus is an asshole and you should stop trying to sell him as this super considerate character, because considerate people do not think “fuck it” when innocent bystanders risk being killed. OR you should own up to your message that Mundanes (aka: your audience) are crap and you don't give a fuck about them. (Unless they're praising you.)

Magnus tells Alec to remember he's a warlock, which is kinda true but also, might I remind you he's been standing around and not paying any attention to the feral werewolf in the background for a good couple of pages? Because that kind of makes him sound like someone who needs to be protected.

Alec starts to say “I don't want you to be hurt”, which the book sells as romantic for the simple reason that just being considerate doesn't cross anyone's mind, but he gets interrupted when it becomes pretty clear Marcy is getting mad at Magnus.

Considering she's probably on fire right now, I can get behind the sentiment.

Marcy is a person, but that doesn't prevent her from being described like a monster, and then Magnus tris his hand at sarcasm at Alec's expanse (dare I say “again”?) right before it turns into a contest of “who can push the other back faster” which, again, they should have better sense than to do. Alec, at the very least, is used to hunt with people he cares about so he should know how to stay somewhat rational and do the smart thing ><

Magnus and Alec move out of the back lounge and into the empty (again) bar, Marcy follows them. After a while, Alec throws himself at Marcy.

Whatever he had been planning, it didn't work: this time the werewolf's swipe caught him full in the chest. Alec went flying into a hot pink wall decorated with gold glitter.

Because it's really important we know exactly what the wall (and the accompanying mirror) look like. It's not like we're in the middle of a fight or anything.

Also, may I point out that the complete lack of communication between them is unbelievable? They're in a potentially life-or-death situation, they should talk, if only so they come out of this alive, but no, they don't, and frankly there's no excuse in context why they shouldn't. The only explanation I can find is that Cassandra Clare is allergic to proper communication between her protagonists.

“Oh, stupid Shadowhunters,” Magnus moaned under his breath. But Alec used his own body hitting the wall as leverage, rebounding off the wall and up, catching a sparkling chandelier and swinging, then dropping down as lightly as a leaping cat and crouching to attack again in one smooth movement. “Stupid, sexy Shadowhunters.”

Either Alec is made of rubber, the writing is really fucking confusing, or someone forgot about physics. Possibly all three. (Although I'm not quite sure about the rubber part.) Also, Magnus' priorities continue to be amazingly shallow.

“Alec!” Magnus called. Alec had learned his lesson: he didn’t look around or risk getting distracted. Magnus snapped his fingers, a dancing blue flame appearing from them as if he had snapped on a lighter. That caught Alec’s attention. “Alexander. Let’s do this together.”

This is going to be the reason why they get to the second date, isn't it? We're going to go from the worst date I could ever imagine to “we made a good team” and then boom, second date despite Magnus being the most self-conceited, objectifying ass I've met in these chronicles so far (although to be fair, I haven't seen Jace's POV on a date. I don't put that kind of behavior past him.) (ETA: Having finished this story, I sort of wish this was the reason.)

Magnus uses magic to confuse Marcy and protect the mundanes (who are back again. At this point I think they're both there and not there. They're Shrödinger's witnesses.)

He was surprised at the ease with which Alec moved with his magic. Almost every Shadowhunter he had known had been a little wary and taken aback.

Maybe it was the fact that Magnus had never wished to help and protect in quite this way before, but the combination of Magnus's magic and Alec's strength worked, somehow.

Okay but have you considered the following:

Most of the Shadowhunters you met were probably on a different team from yours (not necessarily opposing, but not quite the same team either)

Alec is not completely stupid, and he can tell when it's in his interest to cooperate with someone (like right now, for example)

Cooperation is just a good idea in general, and the fact that Alec works well with you is a testament to his adaptability rather than your romantic compatibility.

Marcy continues trying to escape, Alec continues being in the way of that, and Magnus continues bringing everything back to himself—nothing new under the sun. (Also, I may be rushing the ending a little but at this point, I'm pretty much done with this story tbh.)

Alec manages to pin Marcy (who is still being referred to as “the wolf” because god forbid we acknowledge she's a person beyond a couple of empty lines of dialogue).

Despite everything, fear flashed cold up Magnus's spine. He could picture the knife, and Alec cutting the werewolf's throat.

This would be a lot more convincing if I'd gotten any sign of Magnus actually giving a shit about Marcy. Something simple, like refering to her as a person instead of an animal. You know, like using her name more than once.

Alec ties Marcy down and... completely forgets her muzzle. Because who cares about blocking her most powerful weapon, right?

Magnus does some nondescript abracadabra (because even his super cool magic doesn't deserve any thought or work) and forces Marcy to change back into a human. Why he didn't do that right away is beyond me. Talk about selfish and needlessly risky behavior! But he's so considerate because...er...he remembered Alec's birthday that one time?

Marcy is very nearly naked (it's important we know that, because reasons) and Alec lets go of her like he's been burned. Magnus gives the girl his coat.

“Thank you so much,” said Marcy, looking up at Magnus with big beseeching eyes.

YEAH, THANKS MAGNUS FOR TRYING TO SET ME ON FIRE. WHO CARES ABOUT THE DUDE WHO ACTUALLY STOPPED ME WITHOUT HURTING ME UH? NO ONE, THAT'S WHO. IF ALEC WANTED TO BE THE AUTHOR'S DARLING, HE SHOULD HAVE BEEN A PROPER GAY AND WORN SPARKLY CLOTHES.

Marcy then worries about hurting people. Alec tells her she didn't, Magnus tells her he healed her friend, and then alec rubs her back to comfort her, until Marcy realizes who she's talking to.

“Oh my God you're a Shadowhunter,” she whispered, just as Erik the werewolf waiter had, but with fear in her eyes instead of scorn. “what are you going to do to me?” She shut her eyes. “No. I'm sorry. You stipped me. If you hadn't been here—whatever you do to me, I deserve it.”

… Part of me wants to point out Alec stopped her peacefully, and it was Magnus who resorted to violence first, but I guess in this situation Marcy has a right to be confused. Still, I'm absolutely not convinced that was C. Clare's reasoning behind those lines.

Anyway, Alec points out he's not going to do anything to Marcy and will keep her accident a secret. How he'll do that with Shrödinger's witnesses ready to spill the story to the first passerby, I don't know. Still, I feel like the importance of that gesture goes unrecognize. If people found out about his lie, he could get in big trouble.

Sure, Marcy's life is more important, I'm not denying that, but it's not like Alec is simply offering to cancel a parking ticket and I'd like the book to acknowledge that. But hey, it's Alec, nothing he does is ever recognized so I'm not holding my breath.

Alec had looked the same when Magnus had spoken of his childhood at the party when they had first met. It was something Magnus hardly ever did, but he had felt spiky and defensive about the advent of all these Shadowhunters in his house, at Jocelyn Fray’s daughter, Clary, showing up without her mother and with so many questions she deserved answers to. He had not expected to look into a Shadowhunter’s eyes and see sympathy.

So when Magnus feels spiky and defensive he spills his most intimate emotions and memories to the first aggressive stranger that passes? Forgive me if I call bullshit on this one. Not to mention he didn't really sound like he though Clary deserved answers back in TMI or the fact that his story had very little to do with what Clary wanted to know.

But this book is trying to shoehorn some made-up romance and emotional connection (well past the halfway point) and we're supposed to just shut up and take it because... well, pretty much because the author said so, really.

Marcy sat up, gathering the coat around her. She looked suddenly dignified, as if she had realized she had rights in this situation. That she was a person. That she was a soul, and that soul had been respected as it should have been.

I wonder if she'd still think that after hearing Magnus' internal monologue.

Marcy's friend comes back in (having, presumably, decided to fuck the danger, since no one told her it was safe to come back) and we learn 1) that her name is Adrienne and 2) that she's actually Marcy's girlfriend.

They kiss, Adrienne promises they'l work things out so that kind of thing doesn't happen ever again—I assume this is supposed to provide us with a parallel to Malec, but considering I didn't see any sign of either Adrienne or Marcy completely ignoring the other’s well-being, I'd say the parallel failed.

People come back and comment on Magnus' outfit being weird for a dogcatcher.

Nobody was asking where exactly the dog had gone. A great many of them seemed to want drink.

… The bar has been devastated, there are probably scorch marks from the fireballs, and everybody's only question is “where's the booze”? Really? Holy shit, this book has completely lost touch with reality—that's--do people really think that could happen? That no one would ever question that kind of situation? Even if there was an automatic magic spell making people forget what just happened (which there isn't) someone is bound to see the chaos and

at least

throw a hissy fit because the bar is filthy.

Magns tells Alec it was nice of him to proùise he'd keep Marcy's accident a secret, and Alec replies with “it's not a big deal, that's what Shadowhunters are supposed to do”. And people wonder why Alec is my absolute favorite in this series <3

(I mean, okay, he's also pretty naive if he thinks the majority of Shadowhunters think like him, but still. I love him.) Compare and contrast his attitude (and Izzy's) to Jace's self-centered outlooks on life and Luke's constant paternalism. I know which camp I pick.

Magnus looks at Alec, notices he's sweaty, and invites him for drinks at his place, and they start to walk toward Magnus' place.

“I'm really glad your friend called you to help that girl,” Alec confessed as they walked. “I'm really glad you asked me along. I was—I was surprised you did, after how things were going before.”

“I was worried you were having a terrible time,” Magnus told him. It felt like putting a lot of power in Alec's hand, but Alec was hoest wuth him, and Magnus found himself possessed by the strange impulse to be honest back.

Okay so this suggests that Magnus is accustomed to relationships that aren't honest, FYI. This suggests he's used to lying to his partner and either being lied to or assuming he's being lied to (his relationship with Camille, at least, is implied to have been abusive—abuse Magnus was able to recognize and get away from, after a couple of decades/century. (ETA: Rereading this story made me realize he did in fact lie to Alec back at the restaurant.) Possibly, his experience shaped part of his behavior in relationships but, knowing that, I'd expect him to be particularly mindful of establishing good communication, not the lying and silence he uses later on with Alec. Then again, the main male lead of this series once gaslighted his not-quite-girlfriend and everyone cared more about him than about Clary so... I don't put much trust either in their judgment, or in the author's ability to write abuse all that well, tbh.)

Any way you spin it, it's not a good sign for the future of his relationship with Alec and, in fact, in a strange bout of continuity, Magnus does end up keeping the truth from Alec (although not outright lying, that I know of) to manipulate him into coming out and/or grovelling.

“No,” said Alec, and went red. “No, that’s not it at all. Did I seem— I’m sorry.”

The thing is, he did.

The only emotion Alec conveyed clearly during this date was discomfort—discomfort Magnus disregarded without a second thought. He spent his time blushing, silent, and staring at the table, and not because of the compliments Magnus paid him, either. This isn't the sign of someone who was having a good time. To be honest, it's sad to imagine that being dragged from one uncomfortable situation to another could be anyone's idea of a good time. (I'm excluding kink here. Humiliation/embarrassment kink, if done well, is something that all parties willingly and actively agree to, and there's aftercare to be considered. What happened during story wasn't a kink, it was a combination of self-centeredness and assholery tbh).

Furthermore, notice how Alec is once again apologizing. That's not exactly the sign of someone who's very confident—who's to say he's even saying the truth, here? I mean, okay, canon wants us to believe that's what he's saying, and that he acted completely mortified in spite of the great time he was having but honestly, as someone who struggled (and still struggles) with pretty important self-esteem issues, I know in Alec's place I wouldn't feel confident enough to tell Magnus if I was having a bad time.

(And trust me, a date like this wouldn't have been a good time.)

Long story short, I call bullshit on this.

At least, Magnus has the decency to tell Alec not to be sorry although, as I've said before, it's too little and too late to save the date—at this point in time, I'm still firmly on the “Alec should run the fuck away” train.

Words seemed to explode out of Alec in a rush, though judging by his expression he wished he could hold them back. “It was my fault. I got everything wrong even before I showed up, and you knew how to order at the restaurant and I had to stop myself laughing at that song on the subway. I have no idea what I’m doing and you’re, um, glamorous.”

“What?”

Alec looked at Magnus, stricken, as if he thought he’d got everything wrong again.

Magnus wanted to say, No, I was the one who brought you to a terrible restaurant and treated you like a mundane because I didn’t know how to date a Shadowhunter and almost bailed on you even though you were brave enough to ask me out in the first place.

What Magnus actually ended up saying was, “I thought that terrible song was hilarious,” and he threw back his head and laughed. He glanced over at Alec and found him laughing too. His whole face changed when he laughed, Magnus thought. Nobody had to be sorry for anything, not tonight.

So we're just... brushing everything under the rug then? What Magnus did is alright because he was treating Alec the way he would have treated a Mundane (you know,

like the audience

) but now he jknows he's dating a Shadowhunter and it'll be alright?

Also, Magnus is forgetting half of it tbh.

“I was the one who thought it was more important for me to look cool than for you to be comfortable.”

“I didn't bring you to a terrible restaurant—I brought you to a restaurant I knew would be filled with people who hate you and your kind. I basically picked the worst place possible to take you out, and instead of trying to calm things down I engaged in a verbal show of dominance with the waiter.”

“I disregarded your discomfort most of the night.”

“I openly admitted I was only dating you for your physique. Even if it'd been a joke, I should have known it was a really, really poor joke to make with someone who already has such obvious confidence issues.”

Etc. etc. You're missing the fucking point again, book.

There's a scene break (done right again! Amazing!) and then they reach Magnus' flat. Magnus opens the door with Magic and feels the need to explain why for... well, for no reason, actually. I mean, possibly it was done for the audience (I'm kinda reaching there) but we don't really need that because who would bother with losable keys when they have magic? Nobody, that's who—and Magnus hasn't bothered with keys since he lost his about 15years ago.

This leads to Magnus thinking about getting more keys cut, then about having someone who might want to access his apartment at random times of the day (or night) lover-style, and then to look at Alec in a very unsubtle “hey, he's thinking about Alec” move.

Which is 1) creepy, because Alec is a closeted gay virgin with ZERO experience and Magnus doesn't even wait until their first date is over to think about moving in together and 2) illogical because Magnus is immortal and has all the time in the world.

I've had someone argue that Magnus may just want to enjoy what little time he has with Alec as much as possible, and at first glance it makes sense, but also I can't really believe it would be like that all the time.

To use a more relatable comparison, it's like Alec is stuck in the office while Magnus is on permanent holidays.

When you friends are on holidays and you're working, they make arrangements to meet you when it's convenient for you, they accommodate you schedule, but they don't adopt it. Why? Because they've got time. It's okay if they're not done eating at 2pm, they've got the whole afternoon. Meanwhile you're sitting here and thinking about the crapton of things you have to do and why are thy eating so slow? Your lunch break is almost over and you're starting to feel like a jerk for being two courses ahead in your meal.

If anything, it would make more sense to me if Alec (or at least the mortl character) were the one rushing things out because they don't have much time. Magnus has all the time in the world—he's on permanent vacation, why would he bother with the stress of speeding from one work thing to the next?

Magnus gave Alec a sidelong look as they climbed the rickety stairs. Alec caught the glance, and his breathing quickened; his blue eyes were bright. Alec bit his lower lip, and Magnus stopped walking.

It was only a momentary hesitation. But then Alec reached out and caught his arm, fingers tight above his elbow.

“Magnus,” he said in a low voice.

Magnus realized that Alec was mirroring the way Magnus had taken hold of Alec’s arms on Tuesday: on the day of Alec’s first kiss.

This story is so hung up on being romantic and making us see the birth of a love story to defy the ages (or so it thinks) we're already skipped the moment they agreed to go on a date

and

their first kiss. Way to miss the fucking goal, book.

Also what is it with people saying each other's name before they kiss in YA? Is this a warning? Is this a way to make sure they don't get it wrong? Like, if Alec said “wall” would he end up planting one on the wall instead?

Magnus' breath catches in his throat, Alec kisses him. The whole thing gets maybe two lines (half of which describes the setting more than the kiss itself) and frankly, I've read the kiss itself in about a thousand fic of the early 2000's. Call me an old clown if you'd like, but I've still pretty much grown out of this kind of bland-baseline statement. I want to know what alec smells like—even if it's sweat and burnt hair. I want to know if he's go chapped lips, if he's gripping Magnus' neck... idk man, anything to make this a little more personal and unique.

We then go back to Magnus' thoughts as he goes back on the evening, and stuff he noticed/liked about Alec.

[…] Alec's startled appreciation at the taste of new food, Alec glad not to be ditched, Alec sitting on the floor with and telling a werewolf that she could not help what she was. Magnus found himself almost afraid at the thought of what he had nearly done in almost leaving Alec before the evening was over. Leaving Alec was the last thing he wanted to do right now. He pulled in Alec by the belt loops of his jeans, closed all distance between their bodies and caught Alec’s tiny needful gasp with his mouth.

Dude, Alec told you it was the best Ethiopian he'd ever had. This implies he's had Ethiopian before ergo, even supposing he's never had this dish, I doubt he'd be entirely startled by the food.

Using the word 'almost' implies Magnus is close to being afraid, but he's not. Basically, Magnus could be afraid of leaving Alec in retrospect, but he's not. Words. They have meanings.

Is anyone else surprised that it takes Alec making a sexual move on him for Magnus to go 'hey, maybe I actually want a second date'? Because I'm not surprised, and it's not doing anything to dispel the impression that Magnus is only interested in Alec's (pimple and ugly scars-free) body. (+1 point in the “does he even care about Alec?” category)

SMUT TEASE TIME.

Literally though—the scene that follows is really just an exercise in how much gay smut can I push in a YA 1st Date scene, and coupled with the overall treatment of Malec in the narrative I'm mostly finding it gross. This isn't representation. This is objectification and borderline fetishism.

(Also I would love to see a story in which a gay couples ends a first date without having sex, okay. That'd be a nice change from the overall hypersexualization of queer relationships. Still not adding points in that category, mainly because I feel like it’s full enough already.)

“Alexander,” he murmured, wanting to say more than just “Alec,” to call him by a name that was longer than and different from the name everybody else called him, a name with weight and value to it. He whispered the name as if making a promise that he would take his time. “Maybe we should wait a second.”

NO.

Okay, I've mentioned before (although possibly not in this LR) that Alec being called Alexander is a huge pet peeve of mine, and here's why: Alexander is his birth name. If he wanted to be called that, all he has to do is to introduce himself as Alexander. That's it. That's literally it. So if he introduces himself as Alec why won't Magnus respect that? Why is it that Magnus automatically assumes the name Alec was given is more significant than the name he picked for himself? Why is it that Alec isn't ev en allowed to pick his own name???

If you want to find a new pet name, fine. Plenty of people do it. But Alexander has been tried and discarded already so why do you go back to that???

He pushed Alec, just slightly, but Alec took the hint. He took it much further than Magnus had meant it. He scrambled off the sofa and away from Magnus.

“Did I do something wrong?” Alec asked, and his voice was shaking too.

“No,” Magnus said. “Far from it.”

“Are you sending me home?”

Magnus held up his hands. “I have no interest in telling you what to do, Alexander. I don’t want to persuade you to do anything or convince you not to do anything. I’m just saying that you might want to stop and think for a moment. And then you can decide—whatever you want to decide.”

This really doesn't make me feel like Alec is ready to be in a relationship just yet tbh. I could be projecting, idk, but still, the extreme to which he takes a tiny gesture really worries me, and I think it should worry Magnus, too.

I find Magnus' response really fucking ironic considering he ends up pressuring Alec to come out later on. (Yes, I still think that and no, I'm not going to change my mind. There's evidence, thanks.)

I hope everyone realizes Magnus is putting responsibility on Alec... but without specifying what. Like, he's literally going “make a choice” without saying what Alec is supposed to decide. Should alec decide whether he wants to have sex now or later? Whether he's ready to get married? Whether he wants to come out or not? The color of his next socks? This is just... I can't tell if it's more ridiculous than offensive tbh.

Alec is, unsurprisingly, frustrated at the interruption—I'd be frustrated too if I got interrupted in the middle of makeout to make a decision about everything and nothing all at once.

Then he scrubbed both hands through his hair—it was already a wreck thanks to Magnus; there was no ruining it any further; it had reached maximum ruination—and paced the floor. He was thinking, Magnus saw, and tried not to wonder what he was thinking of: Jace, Magnus, his family or his duty, how to be kind to himself.

He stopped pacing when he reached Magnus’s doorway.

“I should probably go home,” said Alec eventually.

“Probably,” said Magnus, with great regret.

“I don’t want to,” Alec said.

“I don’t want you to,” said Magnus. “But if you don’t . . .”

Alec nodded, quickly. “Good-bye, then,” he said, and leaned down for a quick kiss. At least Magnus suspected it was supposed to be quick. He wasn’t entirely sure what happened after that, but somehow he was wrapped around Alec entirely and they were on the floor. Alec was gasping and clutching at him, and somebody’s hands were on someone else’s belt buckle and Alec kissed Magnus so hard he tasted blood, and Magnus said, “Oh, God,” and then—

And then Alec was back up on his feet and had hold of the doorframe, as if the air had become a tide that might rush him back to Magnus if he didn’t grab at some support. He seemed to be struggling with something, and Magnus wondered whether he was going to ask to stay after all or say the whole night had been a mistake. Magnus felt more fear and more anticipation than he was entirely able to play off, and he realized it mattered more than it should, so soon.

This is lust. Like, we're supposed to get romance, but this isn't romance—this is lust. At this point in time the only significant things Magnus and Alec did together was control Marcy and then snog (and only avoiding sex because this is a YA book, lbr). There's no sign of any other sort of connection or motivation between them, and what flimsy pseudo-arguments we have in favor of them going out with one another is constantly pushed aside to make room for more sex.

If you wan to have sex buddies in your stories, fine. Just don't present them as a romantic relationship—romance and sex are not synonymous. Lust and love aren't the same thing. You can lust after a celebrity without being in love with them. You can also be in love with your spouse and still not want to have sex with them. (Not that this series seems to know or care that ace people exist, but that doesn't mean they dont).

Alec asks if he can see Magnus again, and at this point there's no reason for him to do that beside the possible sexing. I mean, really, literally, no reason. Magnus agrees, although we do get a moment of Alec being afraid Magnus is going to bail out of it at the last minute—given how much Magnus seems to care, you can't fault Alec for that—and they agree on having their second “date” the next friday.

“Friday night would be fine,” Magnus said, and Alec smiled his brilliant, light-up-the-world smile and backed out of the apartment, still looking at Magnus. He backed up all the way to the top of the stairs. There was a yell, but Magnus had already risen and closed the door before he could see Alec fall down the steps, as that was the sort of thing a man had to do in private.

He just fell backward down the stairs and you're not even going to check he's not injured?

Like, laugh if you want—I'd probably end up laughing, too—just make sure he's alive, first, you know. Pretend you care about that, at least.

Magnus did lean on the windowsill, though, and watch Alec emerge from his building’s front door, tall and pale and messy-haired, and walk off down Greenpoint Avenue, whistling off-key. And Magnus found himself hoping.

He had been taught so many times that hope was foolish, but he could not help it, as heedless as a child straying close to the fire and stubbornly refusing to learn from experience. Maybe this time was different—maybe this love was different. It felt so different; surely that had to mean something. Maybe the year to come would be a good year for both of them. Maybe this time things would work out the way Magnus wanted them to.

Maybe Alexander Lightwood would not break his heart.

There's no love. I haven't had the impression you loved Alec for a single second in this story.

In fact, I'm not even sure you like him, how could he break your heart? Why is it always all about you—why don't you ever seem to care what happens to Alec even when he takes a fall in stairs which—as you might know—could result in some serious injury?

Nobody's asking for full-on angst all the time but for a story advertised as oh so romantic it's be nice to see some hints at affction but here... nothing. Nada. It sounds kind of impossible for Alec to break your heart if you don't give a shit about him tbh.

Like seriously. This story could be... not too cringe-worthy if you ignored the first part. It could be amusing/nice/entertaining if you dropped the pretence that this is a love story.

Unfortunately the book does neither, and all I ended up feeling about this was angry, offended and frankly grossed out.

You wanted me to ship Malec harder? Congrats. You officially just got me off that ship.

Final Liveread Bingo Scores:

Anticipated categories

Don't forget: Magnus has weird clothes! 2 Points.

Mandatory reference to Jace the Herondales. 2.5 Points.

Because fuck feminism/anti-queerphobia/anti-racism, that's why. 12.5 Points

Queerphobia? What queerphobia? 0.5 Points.

Retcon! 1 Point. (I feel like I forgot some, though)

Worldbuilding is for the weak. 3.5 Points.

Alec doesn't know he's beautiful (that's what makes him beautiful) 1 Point.

Categories added as I read:

That's not how scene breaks work 1 Point

Bloodlines fetish ! 1 Point.

Does Magnus even give a fuck about Alec ? 5.5 Points

Alec the Sex Toy. 2 Points.