#tascha

My roommate and I just got home from dinner at my parents’, and then sat down to our laptops for a bit. I began to slice up an avocado for a late night snack, and her dog leapt out of his bed, ran across the room, and sat beside me, the same way he does when begging for cheese or chicken.

Then when I wouldn’t give him any, he proceeded to put his front paws up on my leg. We’ve never seen him act like this for anything except chicken, cheese, or hot dogs (his favourite foods).

I repeatedly told him no, and continued eating the avocado.

He went back to his bed, but that was not the end.

Hello little birdie friend!

Artist: TASCHA

So as some may (or may not :P) have noticed, I’ve changed my URL. I’ve been on this site for almost 10 years now, which is both ridiculous and amazing at the same time. It’s seen me through some shit. But change is a pretty common thing, even for those of us who struggle with it, and it just felt like the time.

When I first made this blog with this URL, I was a 16-year-old with horrible anxiety and overwhelming sadness over a best friend who had ditched me in favour of dating my brother. The URL served me well, and became something way more over the years, but initially it was just a place to hide (I had an entirely different blog at first, but I deleted it) from said best friend, with a URL that was a slight passive aggression towards her that she never did figure out. Turns out, I probably had a slight crush on her that I was too deep in the closet to comprehend at the time (horray, compulsory heteronormativity!!!)

Like I said, in the end, the URL and this blog became about way more to me, and that friendship has been long-over for years now.

It’s seen me through a lot - a boy that caused me far more pain than he was worth, who made me tell him my blog name during some dumb fight, which is also why I stopped writing personal stuff and texts posts on here for a really long time, an online friendship that meant a great deal more than I’ll ever be able to put into words, and then unfortunately vanished a little over a year ago, and the discovery (and subsequent panic attack!) that I am, in fact, a flaming homosexual.

But, like everything, times change, and people change, and I’ve been living in the shadow of a girl who, quite frankly, just isn’t me anymore. Twiceuponadecember was, ultimately, a blog for a girl who was incredibly lonely, and was perpetually terrified of losing people.

I have a number of wonderful friends, one of who has actually been around since shortly after this blog began (Dev, here’s looking at you!) and who I’m well aware isn’t going anywhere, but for a really long time, I was afraid of getting too close to anyone other than her for fear they’d vanish like a lot of other people I’ve known over the years. In terms of friendship, I had very few constants.

Of course, a certain @grimwcr changed that. I don’t know if it’s that I’m older, or if it’s that we’re so alike (mostly in insanity), or if it’s just that she’s so determined (and aggressive!) to make me be kind to myself, but the fear of losing people just... isn’t there anymore.

I have several great friends that don’t seem to be vanishing anytime soon, and fr the last few years, despite still being deeply anxious (yay for generalized anxiety!), I’m just not that lonely, sad girl anymore.

Devon, Emma, Brianna, Meagan, I have you to thank. And, of course, Tascha, it’s thanks to you most of all.