#tarkavia

It’s the summer, and so you’re probably feeling about as hot as a lava monster right about now. But you should know that you’ve actually got it pretty good, relatively speaking. At least you’ve got the occasional breeze. At least sometimes it rains. At least sometimes an ice villain shows up and tries to form a glacier in the center of town. (For some reason they only show up to do this in the summer, when it is, statistically speaking, the most difficult time of the year to try to form a glacier.) There are people and creatures and entire civilizations that don’t have that luxury. They live beneath the Earth’s surface, deep within the mantle and the crust and all the good stuff. They live in the Center of the Earth, and let me tell you, things are weird down there.

The Center of the Earth is one of those strange and mystical realms that’s really a lot bigger than it has any reasonable right to be. I mean we know how big the Earth is (it’s got a diameter of 7,917.5 miles). We know how big the Earth’s core is (it’s got a diameter of 1,520 miles). And yet, somehow, the Center of the Earth contains way too much to be able to fit into that small an area. I’m pretty sure there’s more going on in the Earth’s core than there even is on the surface. But that’s magical locales for you. They don’t play by your rules. Since it’s such a weird place, and since you’re a superhero, you’re probably going to find yourself having to journey to the Center of the Earth a good many times. Don’t be surprised if it looks completely different every time you’re down there. They remodel a lot. And there’s like 20-30 different realities fighting for supremacy and existence down there at any given time.

For starters, let’s talk about how you would even get to the Center of the Earth. Naturally, there are the obvious routes: teleporters, wishes on shooting stars, wrestling control of the Ferry to Heck away from Charon the ferryman and taking a left at the fork in the River Styx. But let’s imagine for a minute that you aren’t buff enough to take on the steward of the dead and don’t have enough small change to pay for even the skeeviest of public teleportation chambers. Let’s say all you’ve got to rely on are your own wits and muscles (and this muscular and witty guide). As most physics students would tell you, if a tunnel was drilled all the way through the Earth a combination of factors (gravity, wind resistance, thinking light thoughts) will allow you to fall all the way to the other side of the planet in only 42 minutes and 12 seconds. So, it stands to reason that if such a tunnel existed, it would take only 21 minutes and 6 seconds to get to the Center of the Earth. That’s not too bad. It takes me longer than that to get out of bed in the morning. Lucky for you, there are actually several tunnels through the Earth. Who knew? Well, we did, and now we impart this secret knowledge on to you dear reader(s?). 

You see, since the dawn of time brave explorers have attempted to reach the Center of the Earth under the assumption that it holds great treasures and wonders (and they were right, at least on most Tuesdays and every fourth Thursday). Some of those explorers were even successful, and they left a trail of maps and clues to aid others on their quest to find the mystical realm (well, finding it isn’t actually all that hard, we know exactly where it is... It’s in the Center of the Earth). And then dozens of other explorers took the time to assemble all those disparate clues and map fragments. So now it’s really very easy to find your way there. Sure, your quest will be a lot less epic than those of explorers and adventurers past. You won’t have to dig for decades or suffer betrayal at the hands of your estranged uncle who you thought was dead but has now returned to conquer the mole-monkeys of the Center of the Earth, but it will be quicker, and honestly, I feel like that’s better. As of this writing there have been reports of tunnels to the Center of the Earth in the Bermuda Triangle, the Himalayas, the Dead Sea, Los Angeles, the moon somehow, Antarctica and approximately one fourth of the apartments in the Manhattan neighborhood of Washington Heights. 

What you’re going to find when you reach the Center of the Earth varies from day to day and minute to minute. Quite frankly it would be virtually impossible for us to properly prepare you for what you’re going to see down there. So it’s best to be prepared for literally anything. As a professional courtesy to you we’ve compiled a list of things that we’ve seen:

Dinosaurs: If you get down there and it’s just a bunch of dinosaurs I honestly recommend just leaving. They’re not gonna want to hang out with you. For the most part, dinosaurs aren’t interested in whatever superheroic quest you’re on. (Unless you run into Inspector Ankylosaurus, he’s always down for a classic superhero mess around.)

Tarkavia: As we’ve explained in our post on snow missions, Tarkavia is a magical realm that sometimes exists in the Earth’s core. There they love two things, war and cheese. If you wind up there, please pitch them our innovative combination of the two concepts “Cheese War” which is a war fought with, over, and by, cheese. We have a feeling they’re gonna love that idea so much that they make whomever suggested it their king. (We’re gracious enough to give this kingmaking idea to you because we are banned from Tarkavia after the horrible “War Cheese” incident.)

New Zealand: Think of New Zealand. That is what we’re describing.

The Realm of the Lost: Have you ever lost a thing? Your keys, a toy, your mind, the Eiffel Tower (it’s happened to all of us, don’t even worry about it). Well the Realm of the Lost is where all of that stuff eventually winds up. (If you manage to find your junk within two months of losing it you get to keep it, but after that it gets sucked into the Center of the Earth). Superheroes often have to venture there in order to track down some supervillain-built device that they need to stop some other threat. 

Just a big ol’ ball of molten lava: This another situation where you’re gonna want to start climbing back up that tunnel. Clearly your schedule was off, it’s the lava monster’s day, you’re gonna have to come back another time.

A bar where everyone you knows gathers to talk smack about you specifically. As tempting as it might be, I really recommend not sticking around for this either.

Endless riches and treasures: As we said, Tuesdays and every fourth Thursday. Bring a large sack and watch out for the golden crab/shark that eats anybody who tries to take anything.

The Swirl: The Swirl is an endless loop in an endless loops. It loops and it swirls and swirls and it loops. It is every color and no color and yet some colors but seriously no colors. It swirls. It loops. It drives those who are foolish enough to gaze upon it to completely madness. It is the Swirl and soon, the Swirl will be you.

The past: Sometimes the Center of the Earth is just a time vortex. You spend all that time trying to get down there only to have your consciousness shunted back in time. There’s no telling how far back you’ll end up. If you’re lucky you’ll just end up at the beginning of the day. If you’re unlucky your mind will be shunted all the way back to when you were a baby. That would suck.

Shmendrick: Shmendrick knew you would arrive. He’s been expecting you. He’s a little bit disappointed that you’re so late but no matter, you’re here now and that’s all that matters. You’re not really confident you know Shmendrick, but he seems to know exactly who you are and it seems like it would be rude of you to not just go along with it. So you and Shmendrick will have a nice dinner, just the two of you. To your surprise the conversation flows flawlessly. Shmendrick is actually a pretty interesting guy. Did you know he invented the can-can? You have such a lovely time with Shmendrick that you make plans for the very next day. You wake up that morning more excited that you’ve been in a very long time. You can’t wait to get back to the Center of the Earth to spend some more time with your new pal Shmendrick. You hurry over to the tunnel, rappel down it, pry open the door to the Center of the Earth, only to find that its dinosaurs today. Shmendrick is no longer there. You may never see him again.