SMS ¦ DR. LALONGWINDED. sent 7:00 AM. this is the one and only time im texting you this early in the morning ever and thats for forcing my hand and making me drink all that wine with you yesterday you carpetmuncher its a goddamn christmas miracle if im up at ten and yet here i am up and at it literally at the ass crack of dawn nestled snug as a bug in the ugliest shag rug imaginable directly above its ugly anal sphincter while you continue to snooze away in your bed with all visions of sugarplums and probably some gothic chainsaw ballerinas doing some knockoff rendition of swan lakes with pigeons yeah times got rough after the first couple of budget cuts barbie was literally the best ballerina but somehow she got the pink slip and brunilda the techie got the role of princess whoever the fuck this time and the set is on fire and somewhere a playwrights crying ugly tears onto their handwritten copy of swan lake written entirely in ink and ruining everything in one fell swoop i dont even know if im myself anymore its 7 in the fucking morning and im monologuing and referencing musicals is this a side effect of hanging out with you
Send “✉” for a text that WASN’T SENT.
SMS ¦ DR. LALONGWINDED. sent 12:00 AM. i dont know how to help
Send “☎” for a RUSHED text.
SMS ¦ DR. LALONGWINDED. sent 6:00 AM. shitfuck lalonde you cant just you cant DO shit like that its five kinds of illegal for you to text me shit like this and then go completely rogue off the grid ill be there soon as i can dont do anything else thatll land your ass in the hospital before i can serve you the unopened can of whoop ass im bringing your way
Send “⁇” for a DRUNK text.
SMS ¦ DR. LALONGWINDED. sent 5:00 PM. doesnt it feel good kto gbe right all thze teim to always knonw everything about everyone and to literally know me better than ypou know the back of your hand becaquse that sounds lyike a fufcking riot to know when id fucmk up next although i know its a round the clock job you wanna know the truzth lalonde you wanna know why i dont visit you because i cant stand looking at you and knowinqg that i xcould do emoihtngs anything tio heplp you but being toao caught up in the floood of shit ive landed myself ijn to at least try nad dig you out of the hole youve happily dropped yourself in
Send “ø” for a LATE NIGHT text.
SMS ¦ DR. LALONGWINDED. sent 11:00 PM. god were so fucked up wonder if hes disappointed in me cause i know i sure as hell would be
Send “✘” for a HATEFUL text.
SMS ¦ DR. LALONGWINDED. sent 1:00 AM. im disappointed in you
Send “@” for a SCARED text.
SMS ¦ DR. LALONGWINDED. sent 3:00 AM. text me back asap pronto i am not doing this mental ahlly-oop shit with you not today not right now not ever and you probably thought this whole thing through didnt you straight up leading me through hoops and rings and all that circus bullfuckery only to snatch away whatever prize you had dangling for me at the end like yoink haha sorry dave and then tell me to fuck off in so many eloquent words jesus fuck lalonde where the hell are you
Send “&” for a LOVING text.
SMS ¦ DR. LALONGWINDED. sent 4:00 AM. if i shower you in the affection you so rarely got like myself will you stop being a prickly broad and actually text me back instead of knitting some complicated cozy for your laptop cozy and save me from crocheting my own intestines into some kind of gory hannibalesque quilt ooooooooh dr lalonde ooooooooooooooh sweep me straight off my feet and drop me directly into your psychiatrist chair and crack my unsuspecting noggin open with all the finesse of a seasoned nightwalker ill even give you the password to my password journal titled a peek into stri-d’s inner workings doesnt that sound fucking righteous rose fucking answer
Send “%” for a CURIOUS text.
SMS ¦ DR. LALONGWINDED. sent 4:15 AM. hey why why are you doing this to me im graying early and its entirely because of you im fullly expecting you to foot the bill on my expensive haircare treatment to eradicate every single one of these silvery motherfuckers just a heads up
Send “$” for an ACCIDENTAL text.
SMS ¦ DR. LALONGWINDED. sent 4:30 AM. i have 0 fucking idea egbert shes just not answering me and not that im ever going to tell her this but a piece of my withered blackened piece of trash organ that was once upon a time in a faraway land my bloodpusher is nearly seizing with poorly concealed worry
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