#tanis talks

Another time: I was telling my sister that I took this lady home from work and that she reminded me of her. Her personality seemed similar and she was very talkative with other passengers. I'm an airport shuttle driver, by the way. But she would talk and just the pitch of her voice hurt my ears. I was wincing in the driver's seat and very uncomfortable. She wasn't screaming or yelling, just naturally very loud and friendly. I was not enjoying that ride. My sister took this to mean I was saying she was super annoying and called me rude for it. They were two different facts, but just happened to be from the same person.

I think I might be a little autistic, not just anxious. I asked my doctor for a test and they referred me to some other place that responded with "your insurance won't cover it, but it will go toward your deductible. The test is $2500." So that was an instant NOPE. I told my sister I might be autistic and she said "I can see you being on the spectrum." My friend said "Honestly, sometimes you say things that would definitely fit with you being autistic."

A quick "signs you might be autistic" search on the googly said

finding it hard to understand what others are thinking or feeling.

getting very anxious about social situations.

finding it hard to make friends or preferring to be on your own.

seeming blunt, rude or not interested in others without meaning to.

finding it hard to say how you feel.

(X) taking things very literally – for example, you may not understand sarcasm or phrases like "break a leg"

having the same routine every day and getting very anxious if it changes

(X) not understanding social "rules", such as not talking over people

avoiding eye contact

getting too close to other people, or getting very upset if someone touches or gets too close to you

noticing small details, patterns, smells or sounds that others do not

having a very keen interest in certain subjects or activities

liking to plan things carefully before doing them

and I find all of these except the (X) ones to be true. Well, I don't know what other social rules I might be breaking, but I don't talk over other people and tend to stop talking when someone talks over me and get lost in the background. And I like to plan things, but I'm fine with being spontaneous sometimes.

I also have ADHD and that messes with me too. I actually forgot I had ADHD for a long time before it suddenly came back to me one day. I don't even remember what triggered the memory. I was also diagnosed with depression in middle school from a therapist. Fucking hated that dude. I can't feel safe talking to a therapist because of him. And talking about my other mental health problems, I'm trans too. Depression has diminished since I came out, both to myself and people around me, though it hasn't gone away. Like, I wanna be a girl, but I can't convince myself that I would make a good one, and call myself they/them instead. "Maybe 'she' if I'm feeling pretty." This day has not come. Though I have one discord group calling me she/her and it feels good. I just never corrected them into saying they/them. Sometimes it feels like lying.