#tandybowendagger

There was a building anxiety within Tandy as they headed over to Nadia’s apartment. Their mind went over various things she might tell them about Alma. She could be in danger and they didn’t want them to be scared off. Who would ever want to hurt an innocent little girl, though? While it would surprise Tandy, they wouldn’t have run off. If anything, they would have wanted to be around Alma more often, more afraid for her safety. Their guess almost fit with everything they had heard already, but not entirely. They wished to know more to comfort and assure Alma that whatever it was they knew now and weren’t going anywhere, rather than to just know for the sake of knowing. It hurt to hear how much the girl hated herself. At that age, kids were supposed to be building their self worth, surrounded by love and encouragement. Instead, something had Alma believing everyone would be better off without her. It was more than the abuse she endured that had prompted those kind of thoughts it appeared to Tandy. She sighed and shook her head to focus on the door she had just stepped in front of. Her walk to their apartment had become natural enough for her to even do in the daze she had been in. She took a deep breath and knocked on the door.

While she waited for Tandy to arrive, Nadia paced around the apartment. Although Alma had been living with Jubilee, her room still showed signs of the little girl's presence—markers on the blankets where her Crayolas had gone off the page, a stick figure picture taped to the wall, and hand-drawn sheet music left atop the dresser. Nadia was snapped out of her reverie by the knocking. After a few deep breaths, she walked to the door and let Tandy in. “Hi, Tandy. Thanks for coming over; I know I was really vague, so I appreciate your patience with us.” She went into the kitchen and poured two cups of hot water from the stove—television had taught her that you don't drop life-altering news into someone's lap without offering tea first. “Tea?”

It was silly that Tandy jumped slightly as the door opened, expecting it but still on edge about everything. She gave Nadia a small, nervous smile and nodded. “Hey, Dee. It’s fine, seriously. I understand why you’d want to do this in person,” she assured her, entering the apartment. Technically, she couldn’t understand why she wanted this face to face, until she knew what the other was going to tell her. “Thank you for, um, being about to tell me,” she tried. She followed her into the kitchen and leaned against the counter. At the question of tea, she blinked, then nodded. “Sure, tea sounds great.” As long as she didn’t end up spitting it out or choking on it.

Nadia brought the glasses over to the coffee table, although she chose to sit on the floor instead of the couch. “So… whatever I say has to stay between us and whoever already knows, okay? Do you promise?”

Tandy sat on the couch instead and brought their tea to their mouth, sipping at it to keep their hands busy in that moment. They nodded at the question that was posed to them. “Whatever you tell me, I’ll keep to myself, I promise. I won’t talk to anyone about this who doesn’t already know.”

“Thank you,” Nadia said. “Okay, so...I told you that Alma and I were both adopted, which is true. And that we both had rough childhoods, which was also true.” She took a deep breath and began to say what she’d been rehearsing since Tandy first met Alma. “But the reason for that makes things more complicated. I was born as part of a project. The purpose was to create a mutant weapon. So that’s what I was, until I ran away. Alma’s dad, Jacen...he used to work for those people. He used his telepathy to modify my actions, my ability to think independently, and my ability to fight back. He didn’t want to work for them, but he didn’t have much choice, so when I got away...he found me and brought me to a school for mutants, so I wouldn’t be hunted down. After I ran away, they found a new project---Alma. She was born with an active mutation. Her voice alters people’s minds, physically. They trained her differently than I. They didn’t care about her development or ability to fight, they just wanted her to scream on command, and stop on command. Jacen felt bad, though, because she was just a toddler. I was already a weapon when Jacen started working with me, but Alma had the potential to be a child, so he tried to mitigate some of the damage that had been done, and eventually, he successfully ran away with her.”

Tandy shrugged sheepishly at the thank you and put the tea down. She placed her hands in her lap, wringing her fingers together, and listening to Nadia confirm that the few things she was told were true. That was before the conversation was turned to information that she couldn’t have even begun to guess on her own. Her eyes widened silently in response to hearing Nadia was born to be a mutant weapon. Jacen, the man who she didn’t know much about, but tried to think was the best father he could be to Alma helped control Nadia. It had her wanting to find and punch him for it. The urge lessened somewhat when she learned he had brought her to a school for mutants to make sure she wouldn’t be hunted down. What kind of man was he, though, if he could participate in what sounded like torture for Nadia? As she heard how Alma became their new project, she was hit with the fact Alma was a mutant and it made sense why she couldn’t talk. It wasn’t fair. Her lips formed an ‘o’ shape. Begrudgingly, she could give Jacen some credit for running away with Alma. “Jesus christ,” they breathed out. It was a lot to take in. “I’m so...I’m so sorry you both were...I can’t even imagine,” they murmured, shaking their head. Their gaze locked with Nadia’s. “These people who manipulated and used you and Alma...Are they still...Active? Do they still want to harm you and her?” they questioned worriedly.

Nadia knew it was an expression of sympathy, but it still seemed odd for Tandy to say ‘sorry’. There was nothing they could have done---nothing most people could have done. “No, they’re not. I don’t know what happened exactly, but I know that if they’re out there, they’re not after us anymore. But… that doesn’t mean others wouldn’t harm us, if they got the chance. I’ve done really bad things, Tandy...and so has Alma, unfortunately. It wasn’t her fault, but...if people knew…” Nadia trailed off, at a loss for words. Truthfully, she didn’t know exactly what people would do if they found out, but she was sure it would be bad. After all, the last time an organization found out about what she could do, they tortured her. Even Jacen felt the need to keep certain mental blocks in place, to keep her under control. “Jacen named her Alma because it means ‘soul’, because he believed she was more than her genes. And he used his telepathy to help her development, since it suffered so much from the neglect and abuse, but her growth never caught up, which is why she looks so little, and emotionally…” Nadia shook her head. “It’s a very hard thing to live with.”

It didn’t feel like enough to for Tandy to simply say ‘sorry’ to Nadia for what they were put through, but they weren’t sure what the correct response to learning that information would be. There wasn’t a card they could go buy to express their sympathies to her, or a fruit basket they could send. Their shoulders fell slightly from their tense position at hearing that the group wasn’t after them anymore. The relief lasted for a moment, until they were forced to reckon the fact that other people were after them. They had a guess for what kind of bad things Alma and Nadia had been made to do, and it didn’t sound as if she wanted to discuss the specifics of what she had done. “Nadia, whatever you and Alma have done, the bad things you two were forced to do cause I don’t believe it was your fault either, it doesn’t change how I see either of you,” she promised her. She wasn’t afraid or put off. It wasn’t because it hadn’t sunk in yet. She wasn’t simply ignoring it. She was thinking rationally, if Nadia was truly the things she had been coerced into doing, she wouldn’t be telling Tandy. Her resentment wasn’t fading anytime soon, even if the reason to why he named Alma ‘Alma’ was heartwarming. She understood why his telepathy was needed and the way Nadia phrased it in the past tense implied that he had stopped using it on her. “She’s...It’s heartbreaking. It makes so much sense, why she spoke the way she did about herself and that she was worried I’d leave,” she whispered. “Jacen...He’s stopped using his powers on her, right? I’m sure you trust him and I’m just being...Biased, since I’m just hearing about your history with him. I just can’t understand how he justified doing the things he did to help the people hurting you to himself.”

Nadia smiled halfheartedly. “Thank you. I haven’t done anything like that since I was dropped off at the school; they turned me around,” she assured Tandy. “And hopefully Alma will go there when she’s old enough, too...assuming Prop One isn’t passed.” She nodded in agreement. “I suppose it is.” Alma’s situation made Nadia sad, but not heartbroken if only because she didn’t know what a normal childhood was like to compare it to, and even if she did, it wouldn’t change the fact that Alma could never be ‘normal’. Perhaps Tandy’s worried tone when she asked about Jacen shouldn’t have surprised her, but it did. She knew Jubilee and Marie were wary of him, and the Xavier Institute wouldn’t even allow him on their property. She knew he’d done awful things, but she didn’t know what a childhood was like without someone else in her head, guiding her and sometimes controlling her. “Oh, um… that’s complicated, Tandy. I...I don’t really trust him, but he tries his best with Alma.” But sometimes, it went unsaid, a person’s best isn’t good enough. “I know he still uses his telepathy to communicate with her, which can be helpful when she can’t or won’t sign or write, but...it could also be detrimental to her learning how to communicate with non-telepaths, so he’s been limiting that. And he does sometimes use his telepathy in other ways, but he doesn’t program her anymore, or make her do things, except make her go to sleep sometimes.” It seemed reasonable to Nadia, because in comparison to how she had been treated, it was minor. “I don’t know the whole story, but he was twelve when he was recruited. He told Jubilee that before that, he’d been institutionalized because his parents thought he was schizophrenic, and when he agreed to work for them, he was still pretty drugged and thought he was imagining things. It’s not an excuse, but...I know I’ve done a lot of bad things because of promises from bad people, and he helped me a lot. He kept me from getting in trouble as often as I would have without him, and he made me fall asleep before procedures and surgeries, since anesthetic doesn’t work on me. I just...I can’t honestly say I trust him.”

Tandy wanted to tell Nadia that she didn’t need to assure her; she trusted her and wasn’t scared. “I’m glad you had that school. It’s where you met Jubilee, too, if I’m remembering correctly, right?” The idea of Alma getting to go to the same school warmed her, even though she’d never been and knew little about it. But it sounded nice, the concept of Alma being around children like her. She didn’t want anything to prevent her from being given the same chance Nadia had. “I...I’ll do anything to make sure it isn’t passed. Or, at least, help you guys protect Alma if it is,” they spoke firmly. They wouldn’t stand and watch a child become a victim of this. It was one thing if it affected them and their friends, but it was something else entirely with a child caught in the crossfire. When Nadia admitted that she didn’t quite trust Jacen, they felt better for a half a second that they hadn’t offended the other with the question. Their relief was overtaken with wariness and concern. Sure, he tried his best, so did their own mother, probably. They silenced their more petty thoughts, knowing it wouldn’t help and if said out loud, would reveal something about themselves to their friend they didn’t want them to know. Yet. While listening to Jacen’s past, some of their disdain for him left, only some. It wasn’t an excuse like she had said and even him helping her after didn’t absolve him of what he had done before, to Tandy, at least. They didn’t think Nadia was in anyway comparable to him, since she had been manipulated and brainwashed to with his help. He did know some of what he saw wasn’t in his imagination and that hadn’t stopped him, it seemed. “Ah,” they began, trying to be careful with their words. “I trust you, Nadia. And I’m not her parent or even close to one. I’m more like that cousin from out of town,” they joked half heartedly. “Plus, I just found out about all of this. I mean, the only thing I knew before coming in here was that Alma’s well being and happiness was important to me and...Jacen, it’s hard for me to believe that even at his best he’s best for Alma,” they sighed. “But if you felt alright with her being with him, even if you don’t trust him, I won’t, like, pretend I know better than you do what’s gonna be good for her. Am I making sense? Like, I want to help, not be a roadblock or feel like I’m questioning your decisions.”

Nadia nodded in agreement. “I’m glad, too. Yes… I didn’t want to say anything, since I wasn’t sure… sensitive subject, you know? But yes, she was one of the first people I met there. She taught me the ropes, helped me get clothes and school supplies---I didn’t have anything when I got there---and taught me so much about just… being a person, I guess.” Nadia was beginning to accept that Tandy wasn’t going to freak out and wasn’t going anywhere. In the process, she was realizing that much of her anxiety was because she didn’t know how she felt about the situation. She was more conflicted than ever, and heavy with guilt that she didn’t realize things were bad until others pointed out that leaving a child alone for hours and sometimes days wasn’t normal, that knocking out a child wasn’t a way to handle bedtime, that children needed to play outside more than once a week. Now, she knew there were problems---but she didn’t know the solutions. Having Alma stay with Jubilee was a step in the right direction, but how long would it last? “You’re making sense. I’m not her parent, either… Jacen isn’t even her parent, legally. And honestly… you’re probably right, but I don’t think I could do a better job. I’m impatient and easily frustrated, and grew up receiving forms of discipline that are classified as torture by the U.N., and that’s normal to me.” She took a sip of tea to buy time to compose herself. “But I knew enough to tell Jubilee I was in over my head, and I trust her judgment---which includes thinking it’s best that she doesn’t live with Jacen for the time being. We soundproofed a room for her, so she has a space where she doesn’t have to worry about accidentally hurting anyone and can be herself. I...I don’t know what Prop One might bring, though, for either of us. Jacen will want her out of New York. I...I don’t know if I would be okay, or if it would lead to…” She shook her head; Nadia couldn’t bear to talk about it, not yet, when there was still months before it would go to a vote. “I think I’m going to take a trip back to the Xavier Institute soon. I have some questions about my powers, and...I don’t know, maybe I can get an outside perspective on the registration stuff.”

Sensitive appeared to be an understatement to Tandy. “I totally get it, even once you knew I had powers, too, you couldn’t know how I’d react.” They couldn’t understand the specifics of the situation, but they were familiar with the general concept of being afraid of people’s reactions. They were dangerous things. “That sounds a lot like Jubilee,” she remarked after hearing about how much her mentor had aided Nadia. She was glad Alma was currently living with her, even if it was temporary for now. The time she got to spend away from Jacen seemed like a positive to her. When she was informed that Jacen wasn’t legally her parent, her eyes widened despite all she had heard already. Tandy wasn’t all that informed on the law, but enough episodes of Law & Order told her that if the state discovered he wasn’t legally hers, it wouldn’t be good. Alma could be taken away. Another potential consequence if Prop One was passed. She wanted to reach out and offer some comfort through touch at the mention of what kind of punishment she had endured. She wasn’t sure how she’d take it. Instead, she took another drink of her tea. It gave her pause to hear that Jacen would want her out of New York, if Prop One passed. “But...If she were to stay with Jubilee until it came to a vote and settle there, wouldn’t it...confuse her to be taken away from her home? There’s gotta be some way to keep her and you from being affected by it, if it passes,” she questioned worriedly. It should be a last resort to rip Alma away from everyone she knew and who loved and cared for her. A kid needed that in their life, even more true in Alma’s case. She nodded slowly, mind still on what Jacen had planned for Alma, as Nadia spoke about going back to the school. Her words did sink in and she was pulled from her daze with a request. “Since you’ll be going out there anyway, do you think I could tag along? I’ve never been to the school and...I mean, it sounds cool,” she shyly questioned, running a hand over her hair. “Would that be too weird? It’d be too weird, I’m sorry, I don’t wanna, like, try and invite myself along.”

“Mhm,” Nadia agreed. “And it’s just...not my secret to share. But there comes a point where it goes from not mentioning something sensitive, to outright lying and constantly skirting around the truth, and at that point, the morality is a little less clear, so… thank you for understanding, Tandy.” She noticed the way Tandy’s eyes widened, and was caught between wanting to acknowledge what a scary situation it was and feeling the need to defend Jacen’s decisions---and then wondering why she still felt that need. “It’s not that---Jacen has papers for her, but if they were scrutinized too closely...it would be problematic that no one from the hospital on her birth certificate has any knowledge or record of her, for example. My documents run the same risk, so…I keep my head low.” It was a hard way to live, staying away from the protests, keeping her voice down, avoiding anything that would require a background check or could run the slightest risk of an arrest. “It would upset her, but it wouldn’t confuse her. She’s aware of how precarious her situation is, and although I doubt she’s used to it, it’s not unfamiliar, either.” Nadia frowned, gazing down at her cup of tea. “It wouldn’t surprise me if she’s keeping her backpack packed already.” Tandy’s question brought a little smile to her lips. “It is pretty cool. It might be a little weird, but not too weird, I think. Even if you’re not exactly a mutant, you might still be able to learn something helpful. I’ll probably plan it for a day that Jubilee can come with me, too, for when I start to chicken out. Alma would need to come, since I don’t want to risk her dad taking off with her---and it would probably do her some good to be reminded that there’s a bigger world out there, and things might get better someday.” She desperately hoped that one day Xavier’s could be Alma’s safe haven like it had been hers.

“Yeah, it’s harder to keep something a secret from someone once you acknowledge the shift from avoiding it and just lying. Avoiding is always easier to do, at least, to me it is,” Tandy discerned, glad only she could see her own hypocrisy. Even when confronted with the information that she was no longer just dancing around a subject but lying, she brushed it off and kept on deceiving. With inessential subjects, she couldn’t lie quite as well. She was most skilled misleading about critical things to her. Her attention went to Nadia again as she explained their situation regarding Alma’s papers, beginning to understand what she had meant. “I never really thought how important those kind of documents were,” they admitted, tugging at a strand of their hair absently. “It’s not fair you have to keep your head low--It’s not fair the government or police or whatever agency wouldn’t understand what you and Alma were put through and that it’s neither of your faults.” They didn’t doubt they would have no sympathy for either of them, especially in the sort of political climate they were in. “I wish it wasn’t familiar to her.” They frowned as well, biting their lip at hearing it wouldn’t surprise Nadia if she had a bag arranged already. Her entire childhood shouldn’t be running from place to place, never feeling safe or like she had a home. What did they know about any of this, though? It felt odd to voice their opinion on what should happen to Alma, when it had been not even an hour since they had learned about all of this. Their frown dissipated as the other spoke of the school for mutants, and smiled a bit abashedly at her confirming it was somewhat strange. They didn’t touch the comment about why Alma had to be brought along. “I could come along to help with Alma, then. I mean, I know Jubilee is like, her caretaker, but it would probably help Alma to be surrounded by friends. If you would be alright with that. And Jubilee and Alma, of course, too. I get if you wouldn’t be, though.”

“I didn’t think about it, either,” Nadia said, “until I was on my own without a name, a birthday, parents, citizenship, or any evidence I existed at all.” She shrugged and glanced around the apartment she called home, filled with all sorts of clues of her existence---a knitting project in progress, quotes hung on the wall, sticky notes scattered about, and books on the shelf ranging from I, Jedi to The Complete Works of Edgar Allan Poe, to psychology textbooks, and to titles like 紅樓夢/红楼梦, Война и мир, and Die unendliche Geschichte . Though the past haunted her, she was a different person than she had been, and yet… “I can understand why they wouldn’t. It’s not easy to comprehend, and if I saw myself as nothing more than a weapon for sixteen years, why wouldn’t they think the same? We were little children, but that makes it all the worse, doesn’t it? If I could do those things as a child, why wouldn’t they fear I’d do worse things as an adult? And for Alma, it’s twofold---a fear that she can’t control herself, and the knowledge that someone else could. Any government---and/or sinister organization---would want to get their hands on her just to make sure no one else could, and… I can understand that logic, unfortunately.” Nadia nodded in agreement. “It probably would help. There are some things I’d like to discuss with one of the professors that I’d like for Jubilee to be with me for, but would be inappropriate for Alma to overhear. What seems interesting to you about it, though?” she asked. “It is interesting, of course, but a normal boarding school for the most part---you might find yourself bored.”

The first word that came to Tandy’s mind at Nadia’s description of herself once she was on her own was ghost. For her to always have known she existed while to most outsiders she appeared out of nowhere, they could only wonder how much it affected her and forming her own identity as she grew up. Tandy would have never guessed she had lived for years being no one. But it wasn’t being no one, was it? Even though the people who had held control over her had tried to instill in her that she wasn’t someone, she still was. Her humanity hadn’t been taken away; she was alive. To the blonde, they took that as her always having an identity, of being someone. “I don’t think they’d be any better than the ones who hurt you if they feared you were still no more than a weapon. That’d just be giving into what those people wanted you to be seen as.” It wasn’t wise to make harsh decisions out of fear. “Then, they should protect her, do all they can to make sure she doesn’t get in the wrong hands and hurt again. If they were really that scared, they’d avoid punishing or hurting you. This sounds like a way for them to be angry and lash out while pretending to be afraid.” It would be for optics, too, because Nadia and Alma would be used as the example. She only knew that when they were frightened that their first instinct was to hide under their covers and hope whatever had startled her would go away. She sure as hell didn’t get up and grab a bat to start swinging at whatever looked at her funny. If she did, there was more of a chance she’d hit something or someone who hadn’t done anything wrong. She perked up as Nadia began to consider letting her go with them. “I dunno, it’s a new place to me, so I’d have a hard time getting bored. I might get to meet some of the professors, too, I could get a few tips,” she shrugged. “My answers are kinda superficial, sorry.”

“Why wouldn’t they fear that?” Nadia questioned. “Because I say, ‘It’s okay---I’m good now!’? Because Alma pinky-promises she’ll never use her voice, or laugh, or cry? They don’t know us. You know the more recent us, but even then, you didn’t see me get suspended from school---after I decided to be ‘good’, mind you---for blacking out and attacking another student. It took Wolverine to drag me off of her. I know those triggers have been dealt with, but I can’t prove that to anyone. You didn’t see Alma accidentally give me a seizure a few months ago, see her struggling to control herself while I convulsed and bled. Alma has good control of herself, but that gas in the air that messed up everyone’s powers, Alma couldn’t control that.” Nadia picked up her glass of tea---the liquid rippled with the slight shake of her hands---and took sips while she grounded herself. “If they were feeling generous, they’d frame it as ‘prevention’, not ‘punishment’, and...like I said, I can see why they would consider it, even if I don’t agree with it.” She took a deep breath and nodded her head. “That makes sense. I’ll run it by Jubilee. I think she’d be down with the idea, but the last person who visited the school with me got punched by Eva, threatened by my sisters and friends, and banned from the property after narrowly avoiding an ass-kicking from my professors, so...I just refrain from that kind of decision making as a policy. You’re not Jacen, though, so…” Nadia chuckled nervously, realizing only after she made the joke that it probably wasn’t funny.

Tandy’s straightened back arched forward slightly and head tilted down as Nadia replied in frustration. Deep down, she knew that she wasn’t frustrated with her specifically. She was still stinging from Cole’s words and her mind was easily swayed to believe the worst, that she was upset with her. “I’m sorry.” They swallowed thickly and looked towards Nadia again. They reached for their tea and took another drink of it. It helped their emotions settle down some. “I’m still new to all of this. It’s still sinking in, I guess. Plus, it’s been a stressful week, I got ahead of myself,” they gave a half hearted explanation. Their smile returned in eagerness at Nadia saying she’d run it by Jubilee. They were amused by the thought of Eva punching someone and what else happened to the last person who went with her to the school, until she revealed it was Jacen. “Oh.” They gave a light laugh and rubbed the back of their neck. “I guess I’ll just have to think ‘what would Jacen do?’ and do the exact opposite.”