#tagproperlylater

*squints at self* I can't believe I missed that one! Yes, of course. I also just saw your second response, but I'd already cropped the screenshot. :P I'm glad you found my question interesting and that you happened to have an answer! It's an interesting topic indeed. There was this study they did on either rats or mice where they deprived one half of the animals of comfort and company while the other was provided with everything a rodent might want, and then both groups were given access to drug-laced water. Only the suffering animals became addicted. Very fascinating.

I think I just hit a new low in the "forgetting what I was about to do" department. I've currently got my laptop open, but I was sitting around picking at my fingers, as one does. So I have this idea that somehow involves the laptop, turn 30 degrees to the right so I'm facing it … and can't remember what the fuck my idea was. e_e

Remembered an odd little exchange with my therapist. I was like, "If only people explained to me what exactly I did wrong, I could avoid making the same mistake again!" And for some reason she misinterpreted that completely, asking if I thought changing yourself was part of friendship? So I was just like, "No?? But there's … rules and stuff. For like. How to act when someone … is sad. For example." I couldn't think of anything better, naturally. In retrospect it occurs to me that I should have referred to what we're learning about conflict solving in "social competence training" - things like "Only describe your own feelings. Don't assume, don't accuse. Make 'I' statements. Listen attentively to their responses." Not doing these things in an argument would be a good example of a mistake, right? That's not "changing yourself" for the sake of friendship, it's learning how to argue better. So that was weird. Well, two days until our next appointment and that one will be longer - I'll bring up this better example just in case she's still not sure what I meant.

So apparently, getting up to fetch the laundry cures tiredness. Who knew! I ended up having a total cleaning fit because I was on my feet sorting clothes into piles anyway and I've got the room to myself for the moment. Changed my bedclothes. Washed some miscellaneous items in the sink. Put the laundry away /properly/. Et cetera. I also got a yogurt and a cup of rice pudding out of the fridge (mine; we're allowed to keep some food in there as long as we mark it with our names), exchanged my empty water bottle for a fresh one, and am now having an early midnight snack. No soul searching occurred (though who knows what I'll get up to next, honestly), but I'm satisfied. Well. Sort of. Intermittently. Outside of moments when I accidentally think a thought. - Never mind …

Oh no. Strange things are happening in my head again. I had another one of those "brain glitches" that are so hard to describe, and then I started thinking about system stuff because that's the only potential explanation for them I have found … which led to a lot of, I don't even know, I've already mostly forgotten but it was very disorienting. Rollercoasters in my mind. I want to do so many things rn but I'm tired. The morning's caffeine is wearing off. Ugh.

Today has been such a day, and I am saying that at 4:30 in the afternoon. Many happen. Very baffle. Wow. First my roommate left, which I knew about in advance but only since yesterday - she was basically kicked out. Don't even ask. We didn't actually get to say goodbye because I had therapy at the same time she was supposed to leave, and I was too Confounded By Sadness to like … take note of it and warn her. Which I imagine is what people normally do. I don't care. We're going to stay in contact for a while anyway because we ordered something together to save on shipping? You may be getting the impression that I'm not thrilled about it. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ Therapy mostly consisted of me complaining that I don't understand people, and crying. Directly afterwards, I had to go /singing/, which was weird in that state but surprisingly distracting. Then I cried some more. Then I got a massage. AND THEN. This is where I need to backtrack and make a potentially shocking revelation to my newer readers, because the thing is … I have … a child. Yes, I know!! It's, as I like to say, not a secret but I don't exactly advertise it, either. Due to complicated circumstances, as you might have guessed. (The short version: birth was what set off my chronic pain. Foster care after three years of struggle. Yearly visits. Eventually, due to tragic events I don't want to get into, poor smol human had to leave foster family & ended up in a group home type situation. He is now 8 and part of the reason January was so frustrating for me was that it'd once again been a year and I did not feel up to visiting him again yet. /More/ than a year between visits had never happened before. Imagine the regret.) So today I suddenly find out he's coming to visit ME. *o* That is to say, I found out about the possibility of a visit last week, but I had no idea it'd be this spontaneous! I had like two hours to prepare, lmao. But then it was so nice! He lives on a farm. He seems happy there. The, uh, man who was with him, who runs the place with his wife, seemed like a nice person, too. Competent. Good first impression. (I hadn't met him yet because the switch from foster family to group home was only a few months ago.) I don't know what my feelings are doing!!!!!!! Smol human. ;u;

Half an hour ago, I was too sad to notice my physical pain. Now the sadness has unfortunately turned into diffuse anxiety, and boy am I suddenly aware. e_e