#taeshik

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taeyang has never prided himself on being - aware of most things. that’s why it took him so long to realize he wasn’t the only one stumbling over words and feelings when it as him and hyunshik. that’s why others find it so endearing and so frustrating to watch some of his interactions. it’s also why his sister’s grown so incredibly protective of him, despite the fact that he helps others for a living.

he’s observational where it matters, though the nature of his powers often causes him trouble. it’s not something he talks about and it’s never been something he’s had to address. he’s thought about it, contemplated how to explain it to hyunshik and if it would matter if he did. the fact is that hyunshik has observed and learned all of the side effects in taeyang’s personality that his powers cause and he’s said nothing about it. rather, he’s come to enjoy being around those parts of him, so taeyang has reserved to letting them stay what they are. a personality trait and nothing more.

spacing out. constant fatigue. the droopy look in his eyes. daydreaming.

the more time they spend together and the more taeyang’s space becomes filled with hyunshik, the more the edges start to blur, the more comfortable he gets. hyunshik’s never asked him why in the beginning he didn’t sleep in his room, nor did the man ask him why he always found himself up late at night, why he’s always tired despite always sleeping through bits of the day. hyunshik’s not a man who pries and taeyang appreciates it, even if he knows the man is just questioning and sifting through possibilities and rationalities on his own. it’s not enough to drive him away, so taeyang is content.

that’s why, when he does get a question, he’s not fully prepared for it. it’s a question, without nothing too serious underneath it. just general curiosity, as most questions tend to be. it’s a question that comes with the peak of morning through the cafe blinds. it comes with the brushing of a hand - taeyang usually the more bold one when they’re at hyunshik’s workplace. but there’s his hand, brushing taeyang’s hair out his face, regarding him with a look that takes a few seconds to process. that fact is exactly where the question had come from.

‘you look faraway sometimes.’

a question and a statement actually. it’s gentle, not too prying but the answer itself has so many things tucked away in it, tat it still feels a little invasive. invasive in that - when taeyang is used to this phrasing, this question, it always follow some sort of criticism. some sort of dig into who he is and what he can’t control and people couldn’t understand. he bristles, only for a few seconds because he remembers this is hyunshik. hyunshik’s whose words can be sharp but have never been anything but mellow and gentle when they cross him. crass maybe, honest but still gentler than most would realize. hyunshik, who had asked with a smile, with something so fond and nonjudgemental that taeyang knew it was just an observation, a move to learn more about each other and how they’ve opened up and shown more of themselves since being together. 

“holidays tire me out.” that’d been taeyang’s answer. after taking the elder’s hand in his own, and resting his entire cheek on it to lay against the table. it’s not the entire truth but it’s the truth. it’s easier to get pulled into dreams during the holidays and it’s easier to lose himself int he desires people have in the day, in the agonies and the desperation in people’s wishes as the holidays draw near. hyunshik’s laugh is something simple, something understanding even if he doesn’t know the full story. he lets taeyang’s hand hold his, squeeze it and use it to ground him as he always does. hyunshik’s thumb still brushes over his knuckles, his other running through the younger’s hair, no fruther questions asked. 

‘you realize i have to go back to work yes?’ “mhm, stop playing with my hair then.” ‘stop looking cute when i play with your hair.’

taeyang’s eyes do open then, only because he’s able to draw himself out yet another daydream that calls towards him. he’s used to those words as well, being called cute because they’re calling him an airhead, being called adorable because they think he’s just unaware and naive. he’s used to the connotations that come with always seeming faraway, as hyunshik had said. what he’s realized is that they often exist separately, he can be simply be him, him separate from the tolls his power take on him and that is also a him that hyunshik likes and enjoys being around. that’s a reminder that keeps him grounded more than anything.

there’s a pause, hyunshik regarding the cafe and any signs from his co-workers that they might need him. 

“people dream a lot during the holidays. they’re tired, they wish for other circumstances, they work harder for different circumstances. it’s exhausting.” he hears a hum and maybe he’s cheating because he thinks hyunshik’s attention is only halfway on him. he knows the truth that hyunshik’s attention always tends to be hyper-focused on both him and everything around him. it’s in fact how they manage to mesh so well. “makes it hard to focus.” he’s also not speaking too loud, most of the words mumbled into his sleeve. he doesn’t want to be heard but he also wants to yell it.

‘you are here to see me right?’ “who else would i be here to see?” there’s a glint in hyunshik’s eyes when taeyang does look up to speak. sometimes taeyang thinks hyunshik knows more than he should have to explain.  ‘exactly. so just focus on me.’

hyunshik shrugs at that, makes no denial and taeyang’s cheeks turn red for the first time in a  while. 

taeyang had another habit. it was nothing serious, nothing out of the ordinary either just something he hadn’t taken notice of. it’d fallen into his routine so easily that he hadn’t quite had time to realize it. ever the perceptive one, hyunshik was the one to mention it. it did take some time though. 

there were a few things that had to fall in place for it to get noticed. it was noticed nonetheless though. 

the other habits that fell into place were as follows:

1) hyunshik sleeping over more often, the product of taeyang finishing up his internships with later shifts, them walking home after said shifts, staying up even later because of ridiculous schedules. something that ended in tangled limbs, and their makeshift fort becoming a safe haven when the day had spun on too long. 

2) their fort safehaven and hyunshik’s arms making taeyang’s dreamless nights a little more bearable, insomnia being a dull remember but not a constant. taeyang wasn’t sure when he started to get more hours of sleep but he’s sure hyunshik’s got some magic in his shampoo because burying his head into his neck always does the trick. and so restless nights became more restful.

3) taeyang’s late shifts at the hospital were making coffee shop morning visits damn near impossible, so as his shifts switched and thinned out, so did his time at the coffee shop. late nights turned into mid afternoons or early call-ins where he could barely pull himself out of bed. this ended with instead hyunshik being the one to shake him out of his sleep, especially when he’s started learning the joy of a night’s rest. 

4) taeyang being unable to grab coffee before the morning rush turned into his sister impulse gifting him a small espresso machine, a pre-graduation present. what began as hyunshik groaning at the instrument became mornings with taeyang smelling the coffee before he heard the machine go off.

hyunshik making coffee in the morning led to discovery of the habit in question. the one that gets pointed out one saturday morning. taeyang’s got a later shift so he’s dragging himself out their fort a little late, sleep still set in his cheeks and his eyes. hyunshik is busy with the machine, and the kiss is a lazy one before taeyang uses his palm as a rest for his head.

the mornings are spent like this, the machine more of a humming than a nuisance and his eyes following hyunshik’s hands as they always do.

‘stop that.’

taeyang’s admittedly not awake enough to realize he’s being spoken to, but he blinks and tries to listen again. words don’t quite come out but the look he gives hyunshik conveys the question easy enough.

‘smiling like that, you’ve been smiling - differently.’

oh.

had he? taeyang’s a pretty bright person, he’s not overly excited as he never has the energy for it, but he’s a pretty cheerful guy, more on the mellow side of cheerful. 

“well - so have you.”

the mug that’s on its way to his hands stops midway.

‘i’ve what?’ “you’ve been smiling differently.”

without wanting to elaborate further taeyang is leaning forward to take hold of the coffee calling his name. hyunshik’s been learning to make his regular order with their machine and he’s always overcome with warmth when he tastes it when it’s fresh. something about the freshness of the espresso in the first five minutes - he doesn’t care much. but as he’s touching it, he realizes hyunshik’s hands haven’t quite let go. 

‘i’ve been smiling differently?’ “differently, a lot. i don’t know. your co workers were giggling about it. you’re cute either way.”

that does the trick - or it does something because he’s able to pull the mug free and bring it close to his lips.  it always smells so good, taeyang wants to slip back into bed.

‘why are you smiling like that you haven’t even tried it?’

a blink, taeyang’s mid part into blowing to cool it down.

“well,“ another blow, a softer smile. “you made it that’s why.”

he finally does take a sip and he’s correct - it tastes as good as it smells. taeyang almost slips through the chair, so instead he reaches for hyunshik’s hand, halfway out leaving the stool at the counter.

“let’s nap.”

his hand misses its mark, and his leg barely hits the ground because hyunshik’s around the counter corner, in his space and with his lips pressed to taeyang’s own. it’s not a brief kiss, but it’s not a long one either, it’s enough that he knows the taste of coffee might linger on hyunshik’s lips when they pull apart. it’s enough that taeyang has to grip the mug and set it down to collect his bearings. hyunshik barely gives him time, forehead pressed close and eyes glancing from taeyang’s lips to his eyes.

‘coffee supposed to keep you up right?’

there’s a nod, taeyang is sure he nodded, he’s also sure his feet touched the ground to follow hyunshik to the couch but he feels like he floated there. he doesn’t know when he picked the mug back up but it’s in his hands on the way there. and he tastes coffee again but he’s not sure if it’s on lips, or on the rim of the mug.

@principalles​

it’s the pause first. it’s definitely the pause first. 

taeyang hears the click and the turn in the lock, hyunshik having already gotten used to his door. he hears how low it is and takes note of the time on his phone, the text messages left unread and the past few days. he’s worked a double and this afternoon is his only time to sleep before covering a night shift. they still get time together but because taeyang didn’t respond to the last few texts hyunshik must be trying not to wake him.

taeyang is still currently - curled under the covers and that warmth simply can’t compare to what he gets at that simple realization alone. he huddles closer, slips his phone snug under his knee and waits for the steps and the shuffles to follow. the shuffles that only affirm that hyunshik is trying to be quiet.

sometimes he’ll shuffle around in the kitchen, head to the shower to ‘wash the coffee smell off’ or head straight to the bedroom and curl beside him. depending on the level of sleep taeyang’s in, they’ll talk about their day, drone on about meaningful things, boring things anything that sits in the air between them before they drift off again. 

it’s looking like that’s the route hyunshik’s going and taeyang has half a mind to make a noise to alert him that he’s in the living room. the time he’s spent sleeping in the living room hasn’t decreased but there’s higher fluctuations, he almost spends as much time in his bedroom now and it’s a record. hyunshik says it has nothing to do with him but - well taeyang thinks otherwise.

he doesn’t have to do much though, the plethora of candles lighting up the space around him are enough to catch hyunshik’s attention. that’s when taeyang gets the look next.

it’s not easy to catch hyunshik off-guard, he’s got reflexes that have probably saved employees and taeyang several times in the shop. he’s probably more in-tune with the world around them than taeyang could ever be but it’s part of his charm. where taeyang might look like he’s floating, stuck between the conversation and clouds in and out of his head, hyunshik’s a bit more piercing, a bit more attentive. it’s a gaze that manages to be all-encompassing but still far away. nowadays when taeyang catches it he knows that it’s not wandering. he sees the softness around the edges, and where hyunshik is usually expressive by choice, the expressions that seem to pop out every now and then are worth the time they took to coax out.

like now when taeyang sees the visible confusion as the door closes and hyunshik’s face is lit now by the myriad of lights set up in the living room. his brows rise first, his eyes flit around, scan until they fall on taeyang’s frame, still bundled, still waiting and taeyang can see how they settle, how they take him in. he wills himself to stay put and only to show a smile. a smile and maybe just maybe a blanket covered arm reaching towards the older male to beckon him closer.

it’s the smile he gets after that. 

before this, hyunshik had been texting him a series of stories in the form of emojis. little tidbits snuck during tens and slow time in the store outlining how his day had been. with the holiday season drawing closer and closer, customers have been in high demand and even higher entitlement. he’s had a fair share of messages ping his phone throughout the day and he’s done his best to stay up through it all and even more to set this up for when hyunshik came home. 

taeyang doesn’t quite know what prompted it, but he knew he wanted to do something. the texts weren’t desperate they weren’t anything new, hyunshik always has tales about coffee customers to tell him. but there was something - something telling him that today would be a good day to do it. so he set things up, called his sister for the simplest recipe he could muster without interfering with the intermittent naps he knew he’d take during the afternoon. all of that culminated into the cozy space he used to fashion for himself now fashioned for hyunshik. 

he doesn’t have to say much, just open both hands to further push the invitation to the older male and wait. 

‘what’s all this?’

it’s that damned smile, so taeyang can’t respond exactly, just flex his fingers even more, giddiness increasing the more hyunshik moves about, slips off his shoes and makes his way over to the pile of blankets and food.

‘looks like you’re trying to seduce me.’ if taeyang didn’t work so hard on setting up everything, he’d launch a pillow. but hyunshik’s getting closer, and despite how cold it is outside, he’s bringing a warmth that taeyang knows better than any. so he conedes, beacuse his fingers are now brushing fabric, the sleeves of hyunshik’s t-shirt, up and onto the seams, and then underneath the collar. he’s lowering slowly and there’s a kiss there, there has to be but taeyang replaces it with a mug at the last second, the whipped cream he’d timed perfectly staining the tip of hyunshik’s nose.

“i know you’ve been around whipped cream and chai all day but - you need something warm.” all this time together, all the times they’ve kissed, cuddled and taeyang’s brain still sometimes short circuits in the seconds before. in his defense, hyunshik after a long shift is always something to behold, whereas taeyang falls weightless onto the bed, hyunshik is the one ready to grab from him and hold him close. that’s probably where they’d head if the mug didn’t stop him. hyunshik notices because his eyes follow the drop of cream on his nose, to the fluster taeyang hopes the shadows from the candles will hide.

'you’re lucky you’re cute.’ “you’re lucky i’m cute.”

there’s a pause. taeyang gets a lot of those too, but his pauses are him trying to come back from wherever he’s drifted. hyunshik’s pauses are like he’s drifting purposely away, in his thoughts but still centered on things, usually on taeyang himself. it’s unsettling if only by how intense the seconds are, or the air that’s left between them. right now it’s the difference between a mug and their lips, between a smile and a reach, an inch. 

‘yeah i used up all my luck to get you.’

before taeyang can even think up a response - hyunshik’s stealing the kiss that was bound to happen, taeyang’s wiping off the cream and they’re shuffling around until they find a position that’s comfortable. 

“you’re supposed to be the one laying down and relaxing.” said with taeyang’s head in hyunshik’s lap. ‘letting you lay on me is relaxing.’ said with hyunshik completely disregarding his attempts to move.

the thing with this position is taeyang is completely powerless to the angle when hyunshik gives him attention, looking down at him and flooding his senses entirely. taeyang knows this - he dreads this because he’s supposed to be the one letting hyunshik lay in his lap. he was supposed to watch the elder fall asleep within five minutes of a head massage.  “this is cheating. i have to get up and get the food.”

‘you cooked?’ “it’s just fried rice but i know you didn’t eat with how busy it was.” because hyunshik gives him a look like he’s wrong, taeyang stops all movement to stare him down. “i passed by - and saw the line and i knew.” ‘why didn’t you come in?’ it’s said in a whine, in the raspy octave that’s only reserved for the aftermath of long shifts and a hyunshik who is seconds away from stealing taeyang from the rest of the world for a few hours. it’s so darn cute and taeyang won’t fall for it this time.

“i didn’t want to hear that fake greeting before you realized it was me.” hyunshik’s nod is all the confirmation that he’d heard because he’s looking at everything around them. taeyang had been careful with which candles to bring out because he knows the smells can be a bit overwhelming and he’d had quite a few sweet scents that might be too reminiscent of the coffee shop. hyunshik’s surveying and taeyang takes the time to sit up fully and release himself from the hands that were threatening to run through his hair. “and i didn’t want to add to your work load.” ‘but then you come home and do all this.’ “it’s not a lot, it’s like the set up i used to do.” the time spent wondering if it was a good idea took longer than the execution of it. once he started it was an autopilot process, fun nonetheless. hyunshik’s never said much about taeyang’s set up before, he’s always just settled into it when he realized they’d spend the night out here instead. taeyang’s always been the one for big and warm things, he’s often the one doing the wrapping and bundling when hyunshik leaves in the morning. admittedly he was nervous about the reception of this, and hyunshik’s silence doesn’t do much to help.

it might not be the elder’s style, it might be too extravagant or too much taeyang’s thing and it’s the one thing he’d feared. “if it’s too much we can go back--”

it’s not the kiss, it’s more the smile he gets after the kiss, hyunshik’s nose pressed against his. it’s a smile so close, so gentle and so wide taeyang can feel how hyunshik’s cheeks move with it. it’s that, that plus the little nervous shuffles to try and not wake him, to the expressions that passed by as he took it all in, to the warmth and the messages that started it all.

it’s all of this that makes the smile worth it, and the best part of it all. hyunshik’s smiles are always a little playful, childishly happy but they’re so genuine even if they don’t take up his entire face. they read better than any expression he has and taeyang will do anything to see them each time. including letting the male nearly spill the chai on the sheets, disregard the fried rice that’d taken his precious time for and pull him closer, pushing him further into the blankets.

@principalles // taeshik

as the world ( and hyunshik ) probably realize, it doesn’t take a lot to fluster taeyang. he’s rather skittish, tense despite the years of training to relax his body and appear damn near weightless on stage. he’s flight, too aware and unaware at the same time.

add hyunshik into the mix, hyunshik in his apartment, hyunshik in his apartment and in a big sweatshirt that taeyang lent him after spending the night - he’s a right mess. it’s manageable because this isn’t a new thing, it surely isn’t something he thinks he’ll ever get used to but it isn’t new. as couple nights where the time went by too fast, where they’re waking up in a pile more than someone’s remembering to leave for the night - that’s become the routine.

hyunshik’s started leaving from taeyang’s apartment to go straight to work, he’s even started staying behind when taeyang has longer shifts and taeyang is still wrapping his head around the first kiss, the first confession.

still, his heart always skips when hyunshik walks out to ask him why he’s up at the crack of dawn, and then it skips again when the eldest tries to yank him back to his bed ( his bed he’s been sleeping in by the way ). then it damn near collapses to the floor when hyunshik sticks close as taeyang goes through morning routine, either his hair or a mug covering his face.

taeyang is trying not to stare, he’s getting better at that. going about the kitchen in the morning and reminding himself to make food, to eat and to relax in his own space. as much as he does his best to keep his kitchen homey and welcoming it’s quite easy for him to slip in and out of sleep spells in the morning. it’s often made him late for work and resulted in accidents so he keeps his routine as tight as possible. 

now with hyunshik as a welcome distraction and taeyang desperately ignoring the look he gets over the rim of a coffee mug, it’s become harder. there is not part, absolutely no part of his brain that will let hyunshik remain a gentle blur in the background - zero. sometimes he can focus, and sometimes hyunshik will speak, little things, sometimes sweet, sometimes a little snarky, but always with the gentle tinge of morning and sleep still fading.

taeyang needs to keep himself from melting through the floor, so he tries to multitask. it’s times like this when hyunshik busies himself around the living room. they’ve taken to cleaning it up since taeyang doesn’t always need to sleep out there. it’s not a completely fixed habit, some nights he still slips out the bed, dragging himself to the living room so he can breathe. hyunshik will follow, wrap him up and they won’t mention it. but, the decorations have been moved, only leaving the comforter, pillows and blankets for an easy set-up. 

that leaves a television with a space to actually use, a stand with stacks of boxes of books and DVD’s. DVD’s taeyang doesn’t remember much of because he’s usually caught up in his own world.

his mistake. he hears the music first and it’s not an instant break. his feet do move into position before he can comprehend it, and the more the music slips in, the more he’s drawn back to reality. as quick as it registers, he’s stumbling into the living room and seeing an old video of him dancing playing on the TV. taeyang’s rooted in his spot, having not seen the video for quite some time. it’s a little over 5 years old, and the memories associated with it sting, but only slightly. slightly because he’s overcome with embarrassment deep in his chest, and a stuttering in his heart. 

‘in my defense, i didn’t know it’d be you, i just thought it was hilarious you had DVD’s lying around.’

hyunshik’s words not only startle him out his spot, but taeyang has to jump a few inches in the air at it. the words that come out his lips are a jumble of hyunshik’s name and a whine matching the heat on his face, the tightness in his chest. hyunshik’s smiling though, the remote snug in his fingers and his fingers covered by the damn sweater. the sweater that’s making it impossible for taeyang to look as stressed as he actually is.

“hyuuuunnnng turn it off.” hyunshik gives him a look, taeyang watches his eyes shift over to the television again, before his thumb peeks out to turn the music up. taeyang’s body reacts first, feet assuming the next position and a groan is next at the grin of amusement on hyunshik’s face.

‘you’ve been hiding this from me.’ minus the fact that taeyang wants to actually hide right now, he dignifies the response with a scrunch of his nose. he recalls that he’s probably never mentioned it, as much as it used to be all he talked about. any and everything ballet related has been removed and shoved in closets and boxes. he keeps away from the topic for his own sanity but the scars don’t sting as much right now.

he doesn’t dwell on that.

“turn it off i’m getting war flashbacks.” ‘why, i think the outfit is nice.’ “oh my god stop - turn it off please.” ‘i’ve been lied to this entire time. did you pick her up - you can pick people up? you can jump that high?’

not anymore.

the words don’t leave his lips though, instead taeyang is momentarily caught by the look in hyunshik’s face. it’s fascination for sure, and maybe something else. it leaves a very familiar warmth in his chest, makes him want to slip back into that morning haze he occupies with the older before they slip to bed. hyunshik’s eyes are glued to the screen, and taeyang’s are glued to the part of his lips as he watches, to the slight reflection of his dance he can see even from the distance they are from the television.

anything bitter associated with it, disappears for the moment. his heart swells, pride as well as embarrassment mingling for him to make his next move. 

so he moves, takes a second to get his step out the routine still playing through his muscle memory, and he manages to slip beside hyunshik, slip a hand low on the elder male’s waist, the other on his hip and lift him, however slight, however quick, onto the edge of the couch. it’s swift, very little exertion required though taeyang was unsure if he still had the strength.

he did. it was a breath, that’s how quick the moment was, but it leaves the remote pressed to his chest with how close they are, one hand on hyunshik’s back where he’d held and the other by his knee. taeyang’s eyes wander, for a moment to catch himself on the screen, and the ache comes back for a moment. but as quick as it’s a breath, he feels hyunshik’s own by his ear, a reminder of their proximity, and he’s able to tear his eyes away and focus.

“that’s all if i’m not warmed up.” there’s a grin to it, something teasing and new about being able to joke about it. a grin that draws his lips apart and tickles the edge of hyunshik’s ear with how close taeyang whispers it before he pulls back, escapes the space threatening to draw him further down and away from his morning routine. “turn it off.” the whine is back, the spatula he’d long abandoned back in his hands and quick skip in his step as the routine’s steps come back again.

taeyang had become greedy. maybe a little shamelessly, but with how he easily it shows on his face and how quietly he’s started to mumble it, he thinks he’s retained some of his dignity. not that there’s much to retain after baring himself in front of hyunshik in his apartment, and crying, and having a breakdown. all in less than five minutes? maybe four? a record honestly.

han had promptly laughed after hearing the tale to which taeyang promptly threatened to shove the stretch roller up his ass. that’s what he gets for having a best friend though.

the problem is. time has passed since the incident and taeyang had assumed that their general agreement was to not discuss it. not discuss how taeyang had clung to hyunshik’s body the next morning, refusing to move until the male had said the phrase three times. the second time was because taeyang was convinced he was asleep and the third was because apparently hyunshik got a kick out of the look on his face.

you’re beautiful.

just the thought of it and taeyang’s entire body gives him away.

traitor.

the real treachery came after a morning where taeyang was sure would be the last time they discussed the incident. with taeyang but a few inches with the male, craving post-breakdown affection with the unfortunate person who’d given him attention the night prior. it’s embarrassing to think about, how he’d asked if they could eat breakfast together and how he’d had to physically suppresses noises of distress when hyunshik hinted at leaving for work that day. but they had lives, jobs to attend to and obligations. and hyunshik’s obligation was not to make taeyang feel better about the parts of himself he couldn’t love.

even if that part was his job.

he would pick himself up after that as always. he would wash his face, stretch and show his face perfectly and pristine in the studio for rehearsals. after the injury healed his restriction was lifted and he was back to the early mornings and the strict regulations. he wasn’t given a moment to breathe and that was probably easier, it should’ve helped the parts of his mind that wanted to stay wrapped in hyunshik. in his words and the way his hands felt, secured and grounding. cupping his face as they whispered the words, holding his shoulders as he held him close when they slept on the couch.

taeyang would be doing an excellent job of this is hyunshik wasn’t determined on making his life a living hell. but see, maybe taeyang’s had him penned wrong. the man with many jobs, a working man, an honest man, he was cunning.

and he hasn’t stopped using all opportunities to bring back those same feelings as if that night was only a day ago.

x.

this includes but isn’t limited to: text messages, snide comments, support at showcases, unnecessary notes. yes hyunshik has found a way to insert something similar to that dreaded phrase each time he sees taeyang and they see each other quite a lot. not that taeyang was avoided him but if he was this would’ve been a hell of a lot harder. but the coffee shop is his favorite, the bar is the only one han will go to and when there’s those lovely galas he’s invited to, hyunshik must be a part of the company they hire to cater.

it’s a cruel joke. 

because he’s sending innocent messages like outgoing [ did you like the show! ] incoming [ yeah. you were gorgeous. ]

and getting off the wall responses like that.

it’s them spending days cooking, taeyang stressing over a new recipe that hyunshik’s showing him and hyunshik spending time either laughing at him or observing him. moments that are far too silent and when taeyang seeks to break them with a question of if they’re correct or he needs to change anything he’s met with the stare. a stare far too similar to that night. and the words that accompany them.

‘cute.’

or when taeyang gets bold and asks if there’s something on his face he gets a bold,

‘it’s gorgeous don’t worry.’

he’s occasionally walking in the cafe and trying to get his order in when his greeting is along the lines of, ‘what can i get you’ with handsome, gorgeous, beautiful tacked on the end. with little regard to how astonished his co-workers seem to be by the flirtations.

can they be considered flirtations though? they don’t have the same greasiness in the smiles. not the ones he’s used to. because taeyang’s heard these before, he’s dealt with them before. flirty baristas, playful bartenders, lingering hook-ups. he’s dealt with them all and this was not that. because hyunshik’s smile was less of a smirk and more genuine, more sure in the words. maybe it’s because hyunshik’s seen him at his worst, his most open that taeyang wants to believe the smile is genuine and not a joke.

maybe he’s believing that no one could see him like that and have the gall to joke about something so obviously wrong. because it hadn’t been beautiful, he hadn’t looked beautiful and as many times as the words play over in his head, it’s still hard to believe.

but there’s no implication, no raised eyebrows, no winks, no phone numbers scribbled, or hands snuck onto his back or laced drinks. there’s just hyunshik with his words and the same smile that he gives the next customers ( though it’s not as risen for them taeyang will claim that  thank you very much ). 

hyunshik being candid so smooth that it’s knocking taeyang off-guard every time.

x.

outgoing [ i almost think you’re doing this on purpose. ]

in the time it takes hyunshik to respond taeyang almost regrets the message. but he’s had a bit of wine, sue him.

incoming [ sorry, busy shift. doing what? ]

outgoing [ asjdhgajs you know what!!! ] incoming [ did you keyboard smash? ]

a moment of silence.

incoming [ did you drink...? ] incoming [ where are you? ]

another moment of silence to mourn taeyang’s inconspicuousness. and for how his stomach leaps at the message, and he groans with his head hitting the phone screen.

outgoing [ i had some wne. i’m home mom!!! ] outgoing [ and thstg not the opint! ] incoming [ cute. ] incoming [ okay then, i’ll humor you what’s the point? ]

a lot happens then. because taeyang is momentarily struck by the message. by the image of hyunshik smiling, actually smiling as he types because he is humored and this is all probably fun for him. and taeyang is probably more of a mess than the first time hyunshik had to deal with him drunk. or less, just with more emotions. he feels too much and that’s why the word cute blares on his screen the way it does. that’s why it takes a million takes to type what he really says.

unsent [ the fltying unsent [ the flrt unsent [ flrjng wieth merg unsent [ caalng mr sthings yeou dont measn 

thankfully, it takes a gradual amount of wine to get him to send a message that works - or to work up the courage to send it when he thinks it’s acceptable enough. 

outgoing [ calling me beautiful. ] incoming [ and if i am? ]

the good news, taeyang falls asleep before he can embarrass himself further and before he gets a chance to read the response. the bad news, the messages he thought were unsent were sent, completely and fully sent and ready to make his waking hours even more miserable than he’d intended. 

x.

han is cackling up a storm the when they see each other seeing as taeyang had mass messaged him the screenshots of his mess the following morning. han had thought it was fun to ask him ‘how are you and hyunshik’ the minute he’d entered the apartment knowing taeyang had resolved to do everything in his power to avoid the male.

the answer was easy, childish but easy.

'you’re scared of how he makes you feel.’

it was a little more than that. taeyang was scared of the rush, of how drunk he’d felt on those simple words. on how he might start to believe them and only believe them because it’s hyunshik and not because of anything else. he was scared on how easily swept up he was by them, how sugary they seemed as if their path would only rot him to the core. or even worse - that he had nothing there left to rot and didn’t deserve the touch. the sweet. it was a dilemma but han wasn’t his friend for his eloquence.

‘so the man tells you you’re gorgeous. not seeing how it’s a bad thing if you feel good tae. it would do you some good to listen to someone, especially in our line of work.’

a line of work where they’re taught their imperfections while being taught to be perfect. they’re set-up for failure, to never have the right image of themselves so that their arrogance doesn’t ever come across to the audience. so that they always remain a product of the eyes and the judgement that watch them. you are not beautiful because you believe yourself to be you are beautiful because you break yourself for others and you try to be, for them. and they might give you the credit, for trying and only trying and living the illusion. 

it was hard to believe it and taeyang had never had trouble before with the easy flirts and the quick comments about his figure or his performance, even his face.

but there’s hyunshik saying it in the dark of his room with taeyang’s face tear-stained, body sweat and spent, holding himself together by a broken illusion. there’s hyunshik whispering it so that it can fill in all the cracks that taeyang’s made himself.

and it’s scary. it’s scary how filled he’s feeling by one utterance.

“i don’t want him to feel obligated.” ‘i’m ninety percent sure that’s not the case.’ “i don’t want to fish for the compliments.” ‘fish for them! ask for them everyday who cares!’

han’s advice doesn’t sit in like it should. not for the first two weeks of taeyang’s resolve. to keep his distance as much as he can. he can blame it on rehearsals as always. it leaves messages unanswered, it leaves han picking up their coffee order to bring to the studio, it leaves him at new bars and with other, unfamiliar faces, greasy bartender and fed up baristas. he lets the break in his routine happen if only to break his mind from what might be a trap.

hyunshik must be busy too, because he doesn’t go out of his way to text, which shouldn’t bother taeyang as much as it does. it stings a bit though, as if the drift is only pulling at him.

x.

if it takes a toll on his mental it doesn’t show in his work, at least not that he can tell. han tells him everyday that he needs to stop and talk it out. their choreographer also tells him everyday that he’s messing up, that he’s not good enough for the showcase and taeyang subsequently forgets all the words hyunshik’s told him in favor of that. in favor of the cruelty of his job.

because pride in himself was forbidden, and he’s deserved it.

taeyang’s never had a bad performance, not by critic standards. rookie or amateur yes but nothing serious as a fall on stage of forgetting a routine. he’s got too much muscle memory for that really. 

the thing is, he can feel the disappointment coming halfway through the performance. he hasn’t spoken or seen hyunshik in a month, preparing for this opening night. a gala performance that was the introduction to their new musical. a teaser for the lovers of high culture and art, taeyang invited as the star to debut it with the corps.

he’s been eating adequately, been practicing normally but the pressure - maybe it’s the pressure. he tries to rationalize through his movements, through the music what the feeling is. that’s during practice and he can’t quite pinpoint them. the performance is in three hours and he doesn’t have time to figure it out, not with costuming and dress rehearsal, not with getting ready and mingling before. not with the face he has to steel press on the minute he walks into the venue. and he should know that there’s no point in trying to analyze himself and his emotions when it’s the day of performance but he’s doing it and he’s coming up blank.

and he wishes that’s the face he could keep on. but when his choreographer’s called him out on it, in those hours before the show, in the same way he’s been grilling them, breaking him into the new routine. it’s not new but it does wear and tear. as the pressure does, as the stress does, as taeyang lets his body take the hits as much as his soul does. soft despite the years of training and steel he’s supposed to have built up.

‘you’re not giving me your best tae.’ ‘i don’t know, we might have to give this to someone else.’ ‘this is a debut for our sponsor.’ ‘why are you breaking form!’

something feels wrong. and he’s suddenly aware that he was right that he didn’t deserve the compliments, that he didn’t deserve the words. and taeyang can’t remember his routine for clearing himself before a stage despite it all, can’t remember what he would do before hyunshik. because everything done after was so refreshing, healing.

as he tries to steel those thoughts away and smile for a councilwomen, he catches the movement out the corner of his eye. he doesn’t need to look further, doesn’t need to chase it or the voice he hears giving out orders for appetizers. he knows it’s hyunshik, his body knows the sound. and he wants to smile, he wants to run, he wants to do everything in once. but his choreographer’s smile is strong, his misplaced praise drowns out everything and the councilman’s hand on his waist feels tighter than usual. it’s a trap. taeyang’s trapped.

he’s reminded of the perfection he needs and the perfection he lacks.

he can’t see hyunshik anymore, can’t remember what he’s supposed to focus on other than the importance of this performance and the fact that he’s not ready. he’s not perfect, he can’t fake it today and his body won’t shut down enough to let him.

there isn’t enough time and han rubbing his hands before the performance doesn’t help. taeyang staring in the mirror as he finishes the last touches don’t help and the breath he takes before the music starts and the lights dim don’t help.

whatever it is, whatever it is that clogs and prevents him from surrendering to the strive for perfection. it holds him the entire performance. he’s suddenly aware of all the eyes, of all the eyes, of his director’s frown of the awe of the audience and of hyunshik’s eyes. even if he doesn’t quite see them, he knows. 

disappointment is an ache he swallows tight while they clap and cheer.

taeyang doesn’t have bad performances, there’s no fall there’s no mistake but he knows. he knows it enough. he knows it as the pictures are taken, as the hands are shaken and flowers and doubled in his arms. he knows because he could hear his breath as the music stopped and the spell was broken. the spell of the character he’s supposed to be for the audience.

he couldn’t create it. he failed. 

and his director doesn’t rip into him yet, his choreographer doesn’t, too busy soaking in the praises from the audience. but he knows. when they’ve pulled the corps backstage to recap everything and it’s him, his director and choreographer zoning in on him for fifteen minutes. 

‘you lost your character.’ ‘your form was terrible.’ ‘how could you do that?’ ‘you could do better.’

and when it’s over and he faces his own mirror backstage his makeup’s smeared with tears. he’s not exactly crying because he was chewed out by his directors or in front of the corps. no he’s more crying because of the loss of control, because of the sloppiness he’s allowed in something he so deeply cares about. he’s frustrated really, confused and so the tears come. 

taeyang hears han calling for him and he makes for the back exit with whatever strength managed to carry him through the performance and hold him up after it all.

x.

as luck would have it he’s heading out the back doors by the alleyways and hearing a voice that doesn’t sound like han’s.

it sounds like a memory. sounds too good to be true and almost like a nightmare in itself.

because taeyang’s whispering not now, why now. but he can’t stop time and he turns to see hyunshik slipping his phone into his pocket, standing by the back entrance of what is probably the kitchen quarters. because of course whatever he was doing ends as taeyang is running from everyone. regardless he’s stopped and more aware of the tear stains on his cheeks, the falling glitter that’s not streaming down his face, and how horrid he must look.

‘taeyang.’

and the fact that now he can’t pretend he didn’t see hyunshik.

“yeah?” taeyang wants to hide, and he does so with his head lowered as he answers, his body folded in and ready to bolt when he can. it’s the first time he’s been aware of his voice since the day started, and the affirmation the he’s not all hear, that he’s been crying, that he can’t quite bring himself together. but he doesn’t move like he wants, he waits.

‘your performance...’ comes first and taeyang feels his body stiffen. he feels his stomach churn and his chest tighten. it’s probably noticeable and his response is immediate, head up as he snaps the words back. there’s nothing sharp about it though, just that it comes desperate and rather rushed. because he doesn’t want to hear the rest, he can’t bear it. “it was bad i know.” if hyunshik means to say anything against that, taeyang is too quick to respond, too seated in his belief. he failed. he knows. but he’s smiling amongst it. “i wish i could’ve shown you better.” something that matched up to all hyunshik’s said to him.

he’s so seated in the belief that he doesn’t notice hyunshik getting closer, doesn’t notice the hand on his shoulder until he flinches. hyunshik is but a few inches from him, his hand inches from where taeyang’s stepped back, flinched away from it. 

‘tae, that’s not.’ “i’m sorry.” the rest of it, the ‘i have to go’ is only said when he’s turning to make his way out the alleyway as he intended and keep the pain that’s constricting his chest until he’s safe in his apartment. it tightens and it suffocates but it’s easier when it’s caught in his pillow. when it’s smothered and stuck in the walls of his apartment.

if his phone is ringing multiple times he doesn’t try to check why, or who it could be. instead he only answers his door when he hears han’s voice on the opposite side. lets his friend engulf him in a hug and hold him with plans of ice cream and nothing remotely related to dance or the performance. han doesn’t try to convince him of anything, that he didn’t bomb the performance ( though he makes  a few quips about their director ), he doesn’t mention seeing or not seeing hyunshik or that taeyang’s been crying and probably looks a mess. he just mentions that they should order more food since ice cream isn’t nearly enough.

and they do just that.

x.

taeyang is a wimp so he gets han to open the messages hyunshik sent him, just for the sake of getting rid of the notification. and han doesn’t complain, lets him be in his moods and his avoidance for as long as he needs. taeyang can’t face the messages, for a multitude of reasons but the top being he needs to get himself together before he tries to engage whatever hyunshik had said, whether it’s anger at leaving him without a word, ignoring him, or god forbid those sweet words that’d held him above the tide for so long.

so there’s practice again. there’s the bend and the break. the edge that he faces each day, trying to stay afloat it all, present and drowned in his work. it’s hard but he makes it, he always makes it.

he has to rewatch the performance but this time when he does it’s in the comfort of his room, with his pup curled in his lap. he analyzes and what he can’t quite steel away he lets fall on the pads of his finger and his screen.

maybe he’d been so uncomfortable because he’s used to sharing these moments alone. the deconstruction that he had to do to himself in order to be great. he was so used to doing it alone that doing it with hyunshik even once, had thrown him off balance. it’d felt good - so good but taeyang was scared of it feeling like the best and getting attached, addicted. to the point that if hyunshik disappeared he wouldn’t be able to return.

return to what though - as if this routine was any healthier.

it worked though, working himself to the bone.

it works. 

x.

he’s not banned from the official debut, he’s just expected to do better, to be perfect in every sense of the word. and slowly he gets his rhythm back, it’s not as smooth, feels a bit stretched and awkward but it’s a rhythm and it produces results. what bothers him is that it doesn’t feel smooth but it’s definitely the routine he was used to before all this. before the feelings and breaking himself over for the man with the calloused hands and the candid smile.

x.

when the time comes dress rehearsal has gone different. he’s in his head but he’s not as afraid. he can feel the muscle memory, can feel the haze of the music as it’s all but set and soaked in his brain. he doesn’t review much as he stretches backstages and just repeats affirmations, perfection, perfection, perfection.

‘ready to shine?’ han is meeting him backstage, no doubt after dropping his arm candy off in their auditorium seats. in his hand are a small bouquet of flowers that he places on the vanity.  “rude of you to give me flowers your date brought.” ‘asshole, they’re not from me to you. but they’re definitely for you.’ they’re a mixture of pink flowers, white ones and blues, all taeayng’s favorite colors. there’s a note inside, yellow with a silver pattern around the border. taeyang is used to getting flowers before big shows, though they usually come afterwards. intrigued that han is bringing a set personally, he reaches for the note.

and sputters when he reads it.

they’re being called though and he’s being ushered up and out to the stage.

x.

the performance is a bit of a blur. which is a good! that’s good, his muscle memory saved him and he was able to deliver as flawlessly as expected. does he have critiques for himself, yes. but nothing a few reviews couldn’t fix and not enough for his director to pull him aside. so he’s content. he usually feels an airy bliss when he’s come down from performing, the curtain lowering and the high subsequently falling, settling into the noise of his head and the noise of the audience. 

he’s breathing again but this time it’s because he’s running. past those asking for picture, past the corps and past everyone until he reaches the lobby. until he reaches hyunshik, the yellow note tight in his fist and his other fist reaching for the back of the male’s jacket.

his voice stops when hyunshik turns to meet him, and his hand starts to loosen on the hold. what had he run for, what was he even going to say. the note is crumpled and sweaty in his palm and hyunshik’s gaze is, surprised and then calm. patient.

what had he planned on saying?

“the note.”

beautiful as always. it read.

“you hadn’t even seen the performance.” ‘doesn’t mean i didn’t think you’d be.’ “but - you couldn’t have known.”

you can’t have that kind of faith. is what he means, it’s what he doesn’t say. as if not giving him the chance to continue his thoughts hyunshik’s closed in, and his hands are lifting taeyang’s head from his chin. taeyang’s then aware that his eyes are watering again, that he feels powerless but in a different way.

‘you always are. tonight. before tonight. i’m sorry i didn’t get to tell you that at the last one.’

why is he apologizing. he doesn’t need to apologize. taeyang has so many, so many apologies lined up, ready. but he’s hiccuping and hyunshik is smiling so sweet, so sincere. 

‘it’s hard to get tickets for this one so i was working to afford it - then han went and invited me for free.’

it’s not right, he doesn’t deserve this. not the devotion. not hyunshik working extra for him. not hyunshik still smiling while tears roll down his cheek, while his hands shake and find purchase in his tuxedo jacket. 

“you don’t have to be nice.” ‘taeyang, i am anything but nice.’ taeyang’s heard those stories. of how strict hyunshik was viewed by other employees, by other customers. he’s heard him take orders before, handle rowdy guests and even dismiss people who were far less annoying than han. he knows nice isn’t exactly the right word, but mean isn’t either. ‘i’m just honest.’

more tears fall and they start to run over hyunshik’s thumb. taeyang’s a sniffling mess, his head is scrambling again but in a way that’s more how his stomach feels. an onslaught of emotions, rather than the thoughts, it’s all getting blanked, overrun. 

‘what i think is beautiful, is beautiful. whether he believes it yet or not. so i will say it because why not? why shouldn’t I?’

taeyang doesn’t have the heart to think how he doesn’t deserve it. the thoughts can’t penetrate right now. he’s filled with thoughts of this smile, of this touch. of hyunshik inches from him, of the cologne sprayed on his cuff links, of the cup of his hand on his cheek and every brush of tears that comes after. how can he thinks when he’s all static and it’s all screaming for the man in front of it again. how can he deny himself the indulgence when hyunshik has already made up his mind about it. 

how could he deny himself anything less.

“can you say it again...please.” he allows himself to be shameless. ‘you were beautiful tonight taeyang.’ so hyunshik says it and so taeyang lets himself believe it for the moment. for the kisses placed on his forehead and his cheeks, for the laughter so easily pulled from his lips and the kisses stolen from there as well. it’s cute and it’s light and taeyang feels like he’s soaring, letting hyunshik fit arms around his waist and shield him as they head to his apartment. 

he’s a giggling mess from all the kisses and the repeated whispers of the same phrase. he’s become a little greedy now, attacking hyunshik for more when they cross the threshold of the elder man’s home.

“i’m sorry for running away last time.” ‘mhm.’ “and i’m sorry for ignoring your messages.” ‘mhm.’ “and i’m sorry for avoiding you at the same time.” ‘hm.’

all said between kisses, distractions really.

“say it again?” the question is shy, tucked into the white undershirt of the tux and the spot he’s occupied with hyunshik’s chin atop his head and his arms fastened around the elder’s body. hyunshik says it again and again, long after he’s wiped away all the tears. long after the traces of makeup are just a few black streaks and lingering sparkles. long after taeyang’s found a pair of trousers and a hoodie to throw on and they’re in a bed not a couch. 

hyunshik whispers it so many times it sticks to the walls how it permeates and floats around in taeyang’s mind. floats and dances and holds him as he replays every move from the night, every attempt to criticize and berate himself stolen back with each kiss and each laugh that has him floating and falling. hyunshik kisses away the mistakes so tenderly taeyang almost forgets they exist, his body on fire in a way that dance doesn’t sum up to.

on fire in a way that’s probably not reserved for dance. but for the two of them. and in a way that makes him think it’s okay to be a little shameless, and a little greedy.