#system gothic

You had a great childhood. It was wonderful. You do not remember your childhood.

Your grandparents lived in the mountains. You enjoyed visiting them. You have a recurring memory of one of the corridors in their house. It is dark. You feel afraid every time you remember it. You enjoyed visiting your grandparents.

You could always tell your parents if something was bothering you. Nothing ever bothered you. You did not have emotions. You cried every night.

You do not remember moving out. You have lived in four different places since you started university. You do not remember why you moved out.

Someone asks you about your boyfriend. You remember that you had a boyfriend. The idea of ever having a boyfriend seems absurd. You remember his name and his phone number. You don’t remember the sound of his voice. You broke up eight months ago. His face is a blur. People ask you questions about what he was like. You cannot answer them.

You have changed degrees once. You have changed majors three times. You are about to drop one of your degrees. You are almost finished university. You do not remember what you studied in the first two years.

Someone calls you by name. He asks detailed questions about your activities, indicating that he has had at least one in-depth conversation with you. He looks vaguely familiar. You know that he plays trombone. You think that his name might be Liam. You look at the orchestra program. His name is not Liam. You do not remember meeting him.

Someone asks you what courses you are taking. You do not know. You know which rooms to go to. You do not know what the courses are.

You introduce yourself in a new class using your middle name. It fits better than your first name. The next day, it does not. Every time you are in that class, your middle name fits better than your first. It never fits you anywhere else.

Your father comes to visit. You do not know what to say to him. You do not remember how you ever interacted with him. He seems like a stranger. He leaves. You had a nice time talking to your father.

You go to band rehearsal. You remember that you must arrange that piece for them. There is sheet music in front of you. You already arranged that piece for them. You go home. You must arrange that piece for them.

You are tired. One of your old students sees you and says hello. You do not recognise them.

You are the director of a band. You do not remember being friends with the bass player. Has he always been in the band? You remember that you had an argument. You do not remember what it was about. You do not remember starting the band.

You are buying food before a show. Everything is very loud. You do not remember driving to the theatre. You do not remember buying the food. You are almost back at the theatre with your food.

You say hello to the conductor. It hasn’t been long since you last saw him. It has been four years since you last saw him. He says hello back.

It is Week 1 of the semester. A week passes. It is Week 1. A month passes. It is Week 1. A day passes. It is Week 11.

There is a spider in your car. You are terrified. You park near your house and walk. The next day you drive your car to a show. You are terrified. You drive home. You are unconcerned.

You saw your friend last week. They text you to ask you if you want to meet up. It has been a year since you saw your friend.

You are at work. Your coworker is annoying you. Your boss asks you if you feel okay, he says you seem to be acting differently. You are not aware that you are acting differently. You finish your shift. You do not remember what happened during the shift.

You have a song stuck in your head. You have three different songs stuck in your head. Someone is laughing. You have a new song stuck in your head.

You are in a rehearsal. Someone accidentally misgenders you multiple times. You are crying in your car on the outskirts of town. Rehearsal finished half an hour ago. You do not remember leaving, nor do you remember driving to the edge of town. You drive home.

You are reading a book. You have read it before. You do not remember any of the plot or the characters.

You are playing French Horn in a show. You played it in this show last year. That was three years ago. You do not remember how to play French Horn. Your body does everything right anyway. The French Horn seems to sound better when you are merely watching yourself play.

You live in a sharehouse. You have been visiting your mother for a few days. You have been at your mother’s house for six weeks. You drop through your sharehouse to water your plants. It is two am. Your housemate is awake. He is always awake. He says hello. This is how you know it is your sharehouse. You are going to move back in with your mother. Whatever possessed you to move out? You are going to find a different sharehouse. Whatever possessed you to visit your mother for so long? You are going to move back in with your mother. Whatever possessed you to move out...?

You just finished year twelve. You are just about to finish your third year of university. You just turned 18. You are almost 21.

You have known your friend for years. You know his name. You call him the wrong name.

You have known another friend for years. You do not remember how you met. You do not remember becoming friends. She is one of your closest friends.