Alone...
I headed out for my walk on this beautiful, sunny morning. I felt like I had a spring in my step as I walked forward on today’s adventure, one step at a time. I was enjoying discovering new lands, new paths and new places to walk.
This day, finishing up my walk, I decided that I wanted to do the meditation practice that I had been doing for the past couple months. It seemed like the perfect day to try to do this outside. I knew that I wanted to be by the water, but was uncertain where I could sit to meditate, since I didn’t have a chair with me and there was not a bench by the beach. That’s when I noticed this stump. It was the perfect size and height to be my own private meditation bench. I was so excited.
And then I looked up and there she was again...
A single swan. This morning, she was with a canada goose, but I knew that they didn’t belong together. I had seen her just two days before and was concerned because I never had seen a single swan, the pair was always together on the water. That afternoon I sought out comfort for this dilemma by talking to a neighbor about the swan all alone. My neighbor had noticed it too. She thought that the babies would be hatched by now so didn’t suspect that the other swan was on the nest, citing that probably had either met foul play, become ill or died from old age.
I was saddened. I heard myself saying to the swan, “I know how you feel. Lost. Aimless. Directionless.” I’m sorry. And you lack understanding, if your mate has died and nature has to run its course. There are no grief counselors for swans, rather nature itself does what nature does. Takes care of things.
On this day, and many other days really, I don’t like “nature” very much. I just wanted all the creatures to be happy and pain free. And yet, here was this single swan, swimming around the lake by itself. No other swan partner. I knew what it felt like to be without my partner. I couldn’t imagine how a swan brain made sense of that - I know that I surely had not yet made total sense of my loss.
I sat on the stump in a slump. I was disturbed and discouraged. I was surprised at my sadness over the swan swimming alone. I began my meditation as I have learned, to just keep going. Though I was concerned and sad about the swan, I was able to redirect my thoughts so that I could actually be present in the moment with the water, the sun and my breath. Counting them, 1 and 2 and 3 and 4 up to ten and then starting all over again. Eyes closed, I could feel myself being pulled into the moment of nothingness; peace and calm which in so many ways are so much more than nothingness; rather, everything!
I finished and stood up and knew that I had to start my day. I bid the single swan farewell, telling it that there would be better days. Then looking at the beautiful blue sea, I knew that I would be able to carry the swan in my heart, but not let it ruin my day, like it would’ve in my past life. Though in my heart, I was hoping for a better outcome for the swan.
One last look and I was walking into the beauty of the day that God had given me again. So very thankful.
