#surfvana

ohmygod THANK YOU

somewhere safe

but it turns out 

i ended up 

after you read a brilliant book, or a cynically perfect poem, after you hear a song with lyrics that slay you on first note, or after you kiss a person that you decide you want to kiss for the rest of your kissing days. or etc. or etc.

and etc. 

it's like cement trying to lock you in 

and you almost always wish that 

and it will 

always be shit. 

And, sometimes i believe that i want to be brave enough to be 

an asshole to the world 

just because i can be 

an asshole to the world.

But, i know the world is shit and it will

always be shit.

I know and he knew and all the other lonely and sad poets locked up in dark rooms with blank pages in front of them know.

so, we aren't brave

i think we are all just piecing together letters, numbers and words 

with the hope that someone will 

recognize our anguish as brilliance 

when in reality, it is all just 

pretentious bullshit 

that we like to whine about 

at four in the morning when surely 

we could be doing something with 

i am not sad. at least i don't think 

that i am sad. 

i do not know if i was ever even sad in the first place...

i think i was just a teenager

with the certain bad thoughts of an artist too premature to understand 

and the prominent bad habit to stay up much too 

late 

listening to Morrissey, who was sad 

and reading poets that lead terribly bad lives 

because you are my best friend

yet you are in love with me

and i cannot return the favor

even if i wish i could. 

I don't whisper into the night hoping for your voice in return, 

i don't walk lonely on the streets, a butterfly with your face on it residing in my stomach 

you are not the one i see in the future, no, you are not that one at all 

i don't want to love you 

but i do love you...in a way 

i will love you....in a way

i can love you...in a way 

and you say you cannot bear it 

because you are in love with me...

...in a way 

that is so substantially different