[14x12, Prophet and Loss] . . . I'm watching the main J2 panel of NashCon 2019. There's something so beautiful and typical of the show & fandom happening at around 45:50.

Easier to just watch, but I'll write it anyway: turns out Jared was having what he called "the worst moment in his career" during the filming of that emotional confrontation and hug between the brothers by the Impala (at the end of the episode). He said he cried himself to sleep in shame and disappointment that night, after running off the set the second they were done .

Jensen is usually not as forthcoming with these sort of stories, but he was actually telling the story while Jared mainly listened (they exchanged glances like they decided right then and there to share it, which I love them for). I've been waiting to hear about that scene, because I could see something was strange about Jared's body language when Sam takes another swing at Dean but ends up hugging him instead. It's a beautifully done scene otherwise, but something there seemed very... unusual, to me.

Apparently, something did happen that night -- Jared couldn't for the life of him remember Sam's lines, connect emotionally, or synchronize the action and the text the way he’s done all these years. Jensen was saying it was really painful for him to watch, because he had never seen Jared get stuck like that. He said it was bad enough that it felt somewhat like the time he visited Rob Benedict after his stroke, when he was unable to speak; he actually asked Jared if he'd taken something. Which he hadn't. He tried to get him to tell him what was wrong, but Jared truly didn't know what was going on.

That right there really got to me, because I KNOW what that's like (there's a number of things that can cause that, I have one of them). It’s awful, and leaves you extremely anxious and helpless. And this was happening in front of cameras and dozens of people. To a guy deathly afraid of letting people down.

Jared just listened to the story at this point. You could tell it was emotional for him to hear about it, and even more so when he joined in to tell his perspective; I felt like he was reliving it. It's a little heartbreaking to watch.

Anyway, they say it was 1 AM or so, the crew was worried and pulling Jensen aside and asking what was going on with Jared. He had no answer for them. And they all supported Jared -- which, granted, is the right thing to do, but it's by no means a given on a TV set or any other work environment, certainly not that late into the day when people want to get home. Which Jared says he (in typical fashion) was painfully aware of, and panicking over. 💔

When Jared managed to perform, mainly (they think) because he was so frustrated that it finally connected with Sam's emotions in the scene, Jensen said the hug was "more Jensen hugging Jared than Dean hugging Sam."

The audience in the panel couldn't contain themselves, and started telling Jared how much he is loved, and how good the performance was, and shouted AKF (to which I think he responded "I did."). And there was a lot of that checking-in-touch thing those guys do whenever one of them is sharing something difficult on stage. And looking the other way as they did so (see pic) because, you know, heteronormatively-raised men and displays of emotion. It was beautiful in its own heartbreaking way.

I loved that outpouring of support and how touched Jared clearly was. I love that he and Jensen decided to share that, the fact that they felt it was safe. I'm so damn emotional kay bye.

*Screen grabs: from the video by Gayled_it on youtube (x)

*I posted this on the Road So Fat podcast FB group, too, so hiya if you see this and feel like you’ve read it before :)