Because, Ryan has a weird relationship with sex and power (he’s said something to the effect of, ‘you can control someone with sex’ on an episode of the pod, which like, woagh,,) so naturally i thought abt Ryan bottoming for the first time for Matt and how that would play out!!! 

Ryan propped up on his elbows and knees, resting his head in the inward crook of his bicep and forearm. The softer, vulnerable parts of him, the pale river trenches of stretch marks, the swell of his thighs. The more brackish, dead water parts of him, unpalatable and exposed, for Matt on his bed.

And in the space between the eddying breathes Ryan takes, the measured rise and fall of his ribcage, anticipation melds with fear. Because Matt has control over Ryan, over something as personal to him as his own pleasure. And Ryan’s yielding to him, completely at Matt’s will. It’s nauseating.

Matt sweeps a hand across Ryan’s thigh, thin jackknife curves of his fingers following the sure ridge of Ryan’s hip, heat from his palm spotlighting his lower back, and Matt’s telling Ryan to ‘relax’, absent-mindedly tracing the path along his spine. Open-palmed and experimental, a show of trust, like one would do with the downy underbelly of a puppy.

‘Breathe through your nose’ Matt’s voice is made of gravel, quiet and shot, echoing his own command in an attempt to coax Ryan to follow suit, pressing the tip of his cock to the rim of Ryan’s hole at his exhale, but Ryan’s still too tense. 

He feels humiliated, how he has to be guided by Matt like a herding pastor. And there’s some glum nostalgia in that feeling, that feeling of want conflated with hot shame, juvenile kudzu-like growths never truly pruned.