May 5, 2020
at this point making friends makesĀ me kinda nervous and sad bc Iām just waiting for them to get tired of me and distance themselves from me and idk what is wrong with me and what I am doing wrong but id love toĀ
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at this point making friends makesĀ me kinda nervous and sad bc Iām just waiting for them to get tired of me and distance themselves from me and idk what is wrong with me and what I am doing wrong but id love toĀ
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Can't have a panic attack at work because it's storming š Can't have a panic attack at work because it's storming š Can't have a panic attack at work because it's storming š
so my graduate mentor told me before class a bunch of really unprofessional shit likeĀ āyou make me want to quit my jobā andĀ āI waste his timeā and essentially āI should give upā. for being behind on an assignment ONCE... but refuses to ever listen to me about my mental health issues and has told me that in his country they ādonāt believe in mental illnessā and that itās an excuse - even though it factors a great deal to my academic struggles and ties with my accommodations, and mind you I joined this program to help me with my academics instead of make me feel like shit, and in 2014 my mentor then was excellent and actually listened to me and acknowledged my shit and I got a 4.0 that year. Then he graduated and I was not in the program becuase of my new high GPA. Meanwhile Iām just barely passing my Vis 2 class. Yeah, i finally broke down, cried, and sent a complaint to my advisors... I donāt need to take that shit.. I get beat up enough for being mentally ill every fucking day of my life. I donāt need that to come from someone who is supposed to be helping me. anyway I can only imagine the shit storm that will come from this. idk pray for me or something? whatever, send me your anti-shit storm spells
tbh
I sometimes donāt think that Iāll make it to August. PAX seems so far away and meeting up with peeps seems so pointless. Mostly, when I think about PAX, Iām excited and looking forward to it... not so much anymore. It might be fun, yeah. But I canāt shake the feeling of the squad hating me irl. I wouldnāt even blame them, honestly.
But thatās not even the biggest issue. I donāt think Iāll be around long enough anyway. Things are only getting worse.
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HTM
Super personal and super emotional shit so fair warning.
I listened to Here to Mars for the millionth time and I canāt stop breaking into tears. Ā They just flow. Ā I couldnāt get you out of my mind. Ā The song would have been so fitting for us. Ā
āHey stranger, been a long time since Iāve loved you or anything.āĀ Extremely fitting since we ended things, and I lost myself in the process.
āHow the times have changed.āĀ Youāre with her. Ā Iām with him.Ā
āEmotionless, and the words lose all their means.ā Ā I kept every note you ever gave me. Ā Being heart broken now, I sometimes wonder if we were doomed from the start. Ā I read the lines, over and over, the I loveĀ youās. Ā I want them back so badly.
āGoodbye. Lost and long forgotten.ā Ā I assume since we stopped talking to each other that you have given up on me and no longer care. Ā This sounds petty and childish, but love hurts, and Iām still licking my wounds.
But then the song changes. Ā Itās almost pleading the listener to believe,Ā āI fucked up, but Iām willing to give my everything. Ā I love you more than anything. Youāre my everything from here to Mars.ā
Iāve been feeling horrible lately and nothing seems to be working, so Iām going to do the one thing I hate doing and talk at myself. You can read, but for the love of god, DONāT reply. I am really bad at that kind of attention.Ā
For the past 7 years Iāve watched my father waste away because he had cancer from smoking and the chemo fucking ruined him. So obviously Iām really against smoking right now. And heavy drinking which Iām really tempted to do right now.Ā
And Iām losing people I actually care about because of it. And itās all people who donāt know or care about my side of the story.Ā
On top of that I never really did much as a kid and a teenager so Iām making up for all of that as adult and going through the dumb,Ā āEveryone fucking hates meā phrase. Iām 25, I should have been through that 10 years ago.Ā
Itās bullshit because I know thereās at least 5 people who donāt hate me and only two of them are on the internet.Ā
What Iām getting at is that I need a friend whoās around my age and whoāll treat me like a fucking adult because no one does.Ā
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