as you, your husband and daughter entered the building of the ice-rink, a rush of cool, dry air brushes past your faces — not quite freezing, but enough to raise goosebumps. a sense of nostalgia hit you and sunghoon. you both were figure skaters as children, and that is how you met. now, it was time for your daughter to become a figure skater too. but she had to learn the basics of simple ice-skating.

you sat down on one of the benches, putting on your skates, almost finishing lacing them. when you finished, you kneeled down in front of your daughter, putting her mini skates on. your lips curled into a smile, imagining the days where you were only learning how to skate.

"you ready, yejin?" you sweetly ask, gripping onto her hand.

"yes mommy, i ready!" she says as a gummy smile appears on her face, truly melting your heart.

"you ready, hoon?" you turn to sunghoon, standing up after putting on his skates.

he nods, walking to the rink.

you walk slower, hand in hand with yejin, considering she can't skate yet, and walking on skates is extremely hard for her. as you arrived to the rink, frosty air brushed against your cheeks. soft hum filled the air, and for a moment, you was twelve again, flying across the ice, smiling ear to ear. you took a deep breath, stepping into the rink. you already see hoon gliding across the ice. you lead yejin onto the ice, the toddler taking her first slippery steps onto the ice. the cold air kissed her cheeks pink. every wobble was met with laughter, each glide a little miracle in motion.

"let's walk to dada!" you exclaim. carefully walking her to your husband.

as you reach him, he holds her tiny hand gently, making sure she feels safe. he walks with her and little by little, she stops wobbling. after half an hour, he decides that it's time to let her hand go and teach her how to skate by herself. he lets go of her tiny hand, and the first thing she does is fall onto her bottom. sunghoon bursts in laughter, but not until yejin starts wailing. he kneels down, wrapping his arms around her.

"you okay princess?" he murmurs, calming her down.

"hurt.." she replies, wiping her eyes.

"you're hurt?" he says, "on your bottom?"

she nods, softly sniffling.

"you're okay.." sunghoon reassures her, "dada's here.."

he helps yejin get back onto her feet, yejin giggles with joy as she gets to skate again. "guess you need more practice hm?" sunghoon says, his heart swelling with warmth at that moment.

after you guys finish skating on the ice, you guys head inside, warming your hands around steaming mugs of hot chocolate, the cozy sweetness chasing away the chilliness outside.

Stupid how I seem to function, even in the haze that I was in I didn’t register the mind numbing shock in my head. It was hot and sticky.

A blare of light it was dark but the hazy marrons and navy swirled together connected close. It was a beautiful concoction of fireworks erupting from beneath my eyelids.

I couldn’t lift my head to fix the angle though. What a shame.

Screams and voices merged to form a ambient blur in my ears. there was a faint ringing. I wasn’t sure if it was my ears or from the noises around me. 

A sparkle, slight glimmer from a thousand tiny sparks scattered around my peripheral caught my focus. Like millions of minscule swarovski crysatals laid around me. I felt one beneath my fingers its sharp texture grounding me. 

I had to wake up, something was telling me to wake up. 

Do you ever get the feeling that the scene before you would’ve looked absolutely marvellous in a photograph? Or even a large painting? Breath-taking.

Yeah, well, that was one of those moments.

~

 “fuck what happened there?”      

“Hyung, Stop the car!” “Yes!”

“They crashed into the bridge! Be careful there’s a leakage.”

 “Shit she looks badly hurt. Her head is bleeding.”

I couldn’t turn the heart pounding sirens off. the sound echoed and reverberated sometimes turning off completely then fading back in louder than ever.

What happened?

 “A car accident seems has taken place at the junction of Sup Sonamu-gil highway, the victims are unresponsive, emergency services are calling for backup.”

“The victims are aged in their late teens early 20’s, fortunately they all survived the accident and are in the hospital for treatment.”

“Another case of reckless driving, the road was slippery due to the rain and emergency services were called in from a group of bystanders that had passed the damaged car.”

They keep saying it’s an accident, but it never was supposed to be labelled as an accident.

 Seeing car crashes is no preparation for being in one.

 ~

The first day my eyes fluttered open I spent it wondering why I woke up? I was uncomfortable all over and it took a while for me to finally respond to the random doctors and nurses doting and worrying excessively.

Second day I was allowed to see my friend, aka the other ‘victim’ as they put it, she was fine, alive. Smirking at me from the side when the doctor wasn’t looking and ocassionaly mocking the nurses when they came in to change bedsheets and such.

A good few days passed and all I could remember from those was silent periods of time and hazes from the accident.

By the time I was able to hold a conversation, I tried to leave the hospital, not waiting to be discharged I had changed out of the clinical robes and into my clothes only to be stopped by one of those freaks wanting to do more tests and surprisingly my mother along with them.

 “I appreciate this is a difficult situation for you miss Lee--” I cringe at the mention of my surname “Juniper, my name is juniper.” I interrupt. 

The doctor - no younger than 47 - sheepishly smiled, fixing the pens in his white coat. “As I am aware of the tragic incident that has happened, you were referred to the neurology department to make sure your head is in optimal condition.”

I felt my fingers twitch, ripping at the skin near my nails, the metallic and white accents in a plain office confusing my eyes. too bright. too clinical.

“Just a precautionary check.” Directed to my mother, “Since the eye checks seem to hint at some mild trauma and a slight issue with focus. It could have some link to further implications. Best to fix those now than later.” He typed swiftly for a moment at his computer .

“Does that mean she has some problems with her head? Has something happened to her eyes?” my mothers voice was wavering, the worry slipping through.

“We’d need to do these tests to make sure. This is why it would be better for her to stay in the hospital but if she’s so reluctant," he glanced back at me for a second. "It could cause a breakdown or additional stress for her to be here if we are to enforce that.” He turned to grab the printed sheet. Signing quickly.

“I’d recommend checking back with us later this week and completing the tests and we’ll have a look at the results then.”

~

 The results came out a week later, just like the doctor had said.

I’d say they weren’t so bad but then again I didn’t really understand how bad they were, I had no symptoms of anything yet.

Sometimes at night I’d get a tingling feeling at the back of my head and behind my eyelids but it would fade.

I wasn’t going to complain out loud though, this whole ordeal had my mother on edge.

“Some form of disassociation, a bit of relapse, relapse? What on earth? Uh… patient may feel forgetful at times, yada-yada um.. will suffer from a bit of blurriness and lack of focus for the first few weeks a further case of--.”

“Please, just stop.” She paused staring at me, the rain oustide was soothing but It didn’t help much when she was calling out everything that was more than likely wrong with me from that letter.

The ringing of her phone could be heard off the counter of the kitchen island, the buzzing unsetteled the atmosphere.

“So nice of you to call in John, at a time like this. Do you no care about her anymore?” Her voice muffled as she threw the letter onto the couch, sighing she made her way out, walking into the corridor for some privacy.

“.... was in an accident ... here to pick up--remains, fill ... --uncaring fathers plac--?”

I could see my reflection hazy and soft on the plane of the window. No colour.

A blank canvas waiting for the ink to spread and give back life. But I had no appetite, no energy and no motivation.

 For the first time, I didn’t have the urge to pick up the paintbrush and paint the serene natural scenery from across the window.

I could almost get a whiff of the acrid smell of gas and the friction of the tarmac with tire.

Fluttering my eyes shut I saw the negative tones of the bright blinding haze that was a short dream, they submerged in water whirling together to cover my sight and swallow me whole. I felt suffocated. Unable to breath. I couldn’t step out. I can't Leave.

My heartbeat was close in rhythm to the rains speed at this point. Eyes dilated to the max from beneath the lids.

Oh how I wished I would just stay in the numb unknowing moment I was in. I had no regrets then.

My eyes welcomed the window, rain, a quiet pitter patter, the texture of the soft slippers beneath my toes.

I felt myself ground, come back. I’m here, I’m safe.

I didn’t realise it then, that no bandage or binding would fix the permanently shattered pieces inside me.

He smiled watching the younger boy scream the lyrics out with jungwon sitting shotgun, he was happy if his friends were happy, for a moment he felt a second of inner peace. Sunghoon wished that was a feeling he recognised more often, but it was a rare, ‘only-felt-once-a-blue-moon’ kind of feeling.

Sunghoon was the quiet type, he was the definition of introverted but that didn’t mean he didn’t notice things, he was extremely observant, maybe that came in handy since the others didn’t notice anything at all.

“Stop,” he subconsciously mumbles his eyes catching something.

“Hyung, go back.” He twists to catch heeseung’s attention who faltered for a moment confused. Did Sunghoon leave something behind?

“What’s wrong, what happened?” he started to slow down as he moved to the side, “He probably left something at the dinner,” jungwon cackled teasing lightly. “Hyung please, just go back.”

The urgency was evident in his trembling voice, Sunghoon caught jungwon’s eyes as they slowly lost the glimmer of joy.

The point they were at in the highway had very few cars, almost none during the evening.

“Please. Hyung.”

Heeseungs swiftly moved the car around going back, though he didn’t know where he was going, heeseungs glanced towards the young boy from the mirror, he could see Sunghoon peering past the window.

“Fuck what happened there?” jungwon mumbled. He couldn’t see much from where he was.

“Stop the car!” Sunghoon voice cracked through the silent air as the car halted.

“Right here?” Heeseung’s eyes flited swiftly around and he finally caught sight of the lights shimmering past the smoke.

“Yes!” the unlocking of a door filled the calm of the air. Sunghoon stepped out briskly.

“They crashed into the bridge! Be careful there’s a leakage.” Heeseung called out, he was quick to asses the situation. Stepping out himself.

“Jungwon, you and Sunoo shouldn’t leave the car his face fell at the sight of a thick liquid pooling, it creeped closer and inched bit by bit further out.

“But hyun--” jungwon retorted, heeseung could hear a huff from Sunoo in the back seat. “Just don’t, you don’t have to see this,”

Heeseung was hit with a strong metallic odour, it almost made him want to puke, the broken vehicle was sputtering and the ambient noise sent a shiver down his spine.

Sunghoon stumbled back from where he was, heeseung could see him from his peripheral view “What is that?”

Heeseung could sniff the chemical scent, gasoline?

“It’s not gasoline hyung, it’s blood.” His voice broke. The shock was evident in both boys. Heeseung moved to pull the younger away, his chest panged with regret for going back.

Sunghoon hadn’t even turned 19 yet, he was still too young to see this.

“No, please, there could be someone stuck, someone who needs help.”

He watched the younger boy step closer to the bloodbath that was happening.

“Stay put.” He murmured to the younger boys, “Turn on the headlights jungwon.” He couldn’t see much of what was happening, it had gotten too dark.

Sunghoon creeped further his shoes seeping into a dying life source he fluttered his eyes shut, the smell overwhelming him.

If there was this much blood then there must be multiple people here. With the lights flashing from their car on they realised the vehicle had smashed into the bridge railing, part of it smashed and scattered around.

Tiny reflecting beams caught his eyes, mixed with the crimson blanket across the path, his heart was drumming inside its cage of ribs. It felt like he could hear the ocean echoing between his ears.

But Sunghoon was very receptive to what was around him, that’s how he was able to notice laboured and weak breathing past the come and go of waves,

The tinkle of broken class cascading down the wrecked hood.

Someone moved.

He crawled down warm thick blood smearing his hands, scrambling to lift the fragmented door way, it seemed to be the backseats door.

“Sunghoon!” he could hear their voices shouting from behind him. “Sunghoon you’re going to get hurt!”

The first thing that came into his perceivable sight was an arm, delicate fingers, splintered and stained.

Sunghoon grabbed onto the rest of the stuck doorway, pushing with all his might he was able to kick out somewhat of a cavity.

A girl,

Is she alive?

He couldn’t see much of her face. The strong lights flashed into her eyes. Broken as she was her clothes were damaged and ripped. Hair splayed everywhere, stuck to her forehead. His fingers quivered as they tried to touch her.

Back in the car, Jungwon fiddled with the car door, the sound of a well locked car responded to the yanking he was doing. “Hyung locked it, we can’t get out.”

“Yeah? well, he probably knew you were going to try.” Sunoo mumbled lazing on the empty space Sunghoon left.

“I cant see anything from here, don’t bother won.”

Jungwon sighed, he couldn’t see much just an outline of a damaged car and sounds of the leakage and damage done to the engine.

“It’s not like Sunghoon to be so curious around a damaged car.” Jungwon grabbed his phone responding to the few texts their roommates left.

“How do I respond to Niki?” Sunoo hummed lightly for a few moments, he thought to himself “Just say traffic, really bad traffic.”

Sunghoon exhaled, his eyes fluttered shut for a moment, he tried to control the shaking.

“Shit she looks really bad hurt. Her head is bleeding.” A mumble came from behind him blocking the blinding light. She stirred a little.

Heeseung registered the females features, he recognised some resemblance. It clicked for a second but he pushed down the faint floating memory, this was more than enough of a mess for one day.

“We, --I I need to,” his eyes locked into her frail body, “I need to… get, get her out.” Heeseung gently set his hand onto his shoulder, trying to calm the young boy down.

“You can’t do that just yet, if you move something, you could unintentionally hurt someone else stuck inside.” He crouched hands on his knees looking past the girl into the crevice.

Flicking on his phones flashlight, heeseung straightens himself.

“I’ll go check around the other side.”

Sunghoon didn’t snap out of the stupor until he heard the icky gush off of his older friends shoes making distance around the damaged car. He mentally wondered how heeseung wasn’t as shaken up as he was.

“Ah fuck it,”

He couldn’t sit there and watch her slowly die in front of him. Her breath was steadily emptying out slower than the breath before it.

Like a balloon.

Sunghoon was starting to panic, his breath getting faster and faster by the moment. The gears in his head turning as quick as they could.

Bit by bit.

Think! come on Sunghoon, think. He gripped her extended limp arm, his palm sweating he clenches tightly.

Slowly inhaling.

Sliding his other free hand he pushed the rest of the doorway into the crevice.

Exhaling out weakly,

He pushed his shoulder into the base of the overturned vehicle. Enduring it digging into his flesh, he pushed it up long enough to pull her out. Her eyes were flickering open before but its seems like he just lost her conscious.

He could hear shouts and calls from behind him.

His face scrunched in pain pulling out the girls legs. Sunghoon struggled backwards, managing to grab her numb body and speedily pull her towards him.

The entire side elevation of the car where they had been, collapsed in one go smashing to the ground and clambering everywhere.

He heaved his arm holding him up while the other grasping the girl towards him. Sunghoon’s eyes flitted to the side hearing heeseung run towards him.

Sunghoon glanced up. “Did you find anything?”

“Fuck, I tell you to wait and you couldn’t stop for a second.” He sighed, catching his breath. Heeseung glanced towards the younger two still in the car, he nodded affirming they were ok.

“We can’t tell them.” Sunghoon barely heard his older friend, he murmured and the rush of adrenaline rendered him uncapable of hearing whispers.

“We cant tell the younger ones that we found people stuck inside, they don’t need to know or see this.” Heeseung repeated after seeing the boy confused.

“Alright,” he heaved, “but we cant just leave her like this,” he glanced down seeing the girls fluttered eyelashes rest heavy on her cheeks, she laid her head upon his chest, arm still wrapped around her waist.

“If I didn’t know better I’d think this would be quite cheeky, hoon.” Heeseung straightened teasing him on his posture,

“Just call an ambulance already,” he rolled his eyes.

Sunghoon spent the last few moments checking the girls vitals, her heartbeat was weak, he laid her gently onto his lap fixing her shirt and smearing off the blood and dust off her face.

He lifted her arm to fix her position, keeping a hold of her gently.

Sunghoon realised that every breath she took was putting him at ease, the whole situation around him felt off like he wasn’t actually there but watching it through his head like a memory.

“Sunghoon,” heeseung whispered, he was worried for him, he had a bit of an issue when it came to intense situations.

“Sunghoon, please,” repeating himself he set his fingers at the edge of his shoulder, “You should get up.” He watched Sunghoon snap out of the tunnel he was in and focus on his calm voice.

Heeseung tried his best to be level headed and focused, he noticed the signs, shay breath, trembling voice.

“What?”

“Get up Sunghoon, go rest in the car I’ll talk to the paramedics.”

“No its fine, I’m fine Hyung.” His fingers subconsciously tighten around the young girl. “She looks too much like her.” Fuck, he noticed, Heeseung’s jaw tightened. “I wasn’t able to do anything, I couldn’t help.”

Pushing her hair out and away from her face, he whispered the last part, Sunghoon didn’t trust his voice. “I wasn’t there.”

“Yeah, which is exactly why I’m telling you it would be better to go rest.”

Heeseung could hear sirens from the distance, he turned to see the reflective flashing and blaring siren die down as it reaches them.

Finally, he’d hand over the two girls, explain the situation and then off home he’d go with his friends. He was in desperate need of a steaming cup of coffee.

Sunghoon stood lifting the female with him, she stirred a little, giving hope that maybe she’ll survive? He watched Heeseung approach the services, talking from a distance a few come out opening the back door and pulling out two stretchers,

His hyung had pulled them towards the other side, they flashed lights and pulled an unconscious body across the edge and onto the stretchers.

Sunghoon grasped tightly onto the body lifting her up and into his arms. He turned to see heeseung flash him a look, come on Sunghoon.

His hands felt clammy and wet, grip as strong as steel onto her limp, cold and soaking body. Her head lulled slightly as he walked over to hand her to the paramedics.

Sunghoon would never admit it but a minuscule, insignificant part of him didn’t want to hand her over, he would be loosing her twice.

“Thank you sir,” the paramedics took over, he watched her lifeless corpse pulled onto a sheathed bed. Arms drooped and a colourless face.

Eyes glazed but still. Like a wax statue.

He watched the scene unfold before him, like he was sat at a front row seat in the cinema. Eyes were dry, he blinked a few times, the sirens faded and no tracks were left behind.

If he didn’t have the blood smeared across himself he wouldn’t have believed that any of that had happened.

A cruel nightmare resurfacing emotions that were locked and buried alive before they ate him from the inside out.

“Forget it.” He felt harsh fingers grip his shoulders with a claw grip. Sunghoon welcomed the pain. “Don’t go back, it was over ages ago.” Heeseung spits, he wasn’t going to let his friend fall into the endless and deathly pit he clawed himself out of.

“Sunghoon, you’re here. Now. In the present.” He shook him slightly. Watching his eyes flicker behind him. She wasn’t going to come walking back. She was gone.

“We live for what?...” he asked, hoping it’ll snap him out of the trance.

Sunghoon’s mumble silenced out the worry in Heeseung “The present.”

“Good.” A exhale escaped past heeseungs lips. He lead the boy towards the car. Pleading that the others wouldn’t notice the silent daze and soaked with blood garments on his body from the dark.

“Lets go home.”

“No, mum said I need to try this,” karina rolled her eyes, “Typical Camille.” I set down the books chuckling at her response, “Jakes idea didn’t work. I tried it the past two nights.” Scanning the last of them in, I put back the scanner.

She paused in thought, “You do realise, art therapy takes way longer than two days to work.” I nod, the librarian was glaring at us again. At this point, we were going to get kicked out if she didn’t keep her voice down.

“hush, she’ll screech at us next time we talk.” Karina followed my eyes seeing the woman’s beady eyes watching our every move, I smile sheepishly pulling the raven haired girl away.

“Uh, glad were out of there, she’s so creepy.” Exaggerating the breath she takes. The doors fall back into place as I follow her out into the corridor. Her voice resumes the volume its usually in echoing across us.

“I’m in the mood for a croissant, come with me to the dining halls?” but she didn’t need to ask twice as I was already linking arms with her.

“Buy me a milkshake?” she grins nodding, “I’ll buy you anything you want my little bun!” poking my cheeks, I swat her fingers away lightly.

“Ugh get a room you two!” a snap came directly from across us. It was Jake sniggering across the end of the hallway. He must’ve finished class, holding his physics textbook, his bag was strapped across his shoulder.

“You’re in a good mood? What can I do to ruin it for you Mr. shim?” karina focuses on him, her face blanking. She squints her eyes, teasing him.

“I am actually in a good mood, bet you’d love to know why?”

“why don’t you tell me.” She pokes. “I’d love to wipe that smirk off your face.”

“Nah guess,”

The two continue bickering the whole way to the halls, as we enter the distinct smell of bakeries and chatter engulfs me, the echo is a bit much but I can handle it for a while. I push down the sniffling that was subconsciously going to happen.

Jake pulls us towards our usual space. A table towards the small cove near the doorway, it was right next to the glass walls giving us a view of the playing fields.

Last year we used to wait for Jake here before we’d go off to the fields to practice for his soccer matches. Me and karina would occasionally make banners and cheer for him from here if we couldn’t find a place at the bleachers. The memory forces a small smile onto my features.

“Ooh, I see a smile appearing. Not as big as the ones I miss. But it’s there.” He teases sitting ahead of me.

“I want to see you happy, I really do, we miss you juni.” I give him a smile extending the one on my own two lips a little bit.

“And because of that, Jay wanted to let you know that he’ll be at the front gates this afternoon if you want to come say hi.”

My face must have lit up a little because his eyes go into full crescent just looking at me. “this the good news you were mentioning earlier?” he grins nodding.

“Thanks Jake, you just made my day.” I grab his hands subconsciously

“No I just made your day,” karina chirms taking her seat as she sets down three milkshakes and a few pastries from the tray. “I want you to try this. I got one for ningning the other day and she loved it!”

“looks delicious. Thanks,” I bite my lip, god did I want to make her happy and enjoy something warm with my friends but I wasn’t sure if my stomach was going to hold it down.

“Here, put that mouth to use and have one of these.” She slid another pastry towards Jake. “Consider it a bribe, now tell me what’s gotten you two on cloud 9?

“Jay is back.” He was almost about to fall off his chair with the new revelation.

“It’s that all?” her eyebrow jolts up.

“You can be so annoying at times, have I mentioned that?” he mutters scoffing down the first bite of the crispy pastry.

“What’s that supposed to mean.” Karina sniggers at his movements.

“Exactly what I said, annoying. I tell you juni’s childhood friend is coming back from his long trip to America and this is all you have to say?”

~

The entire afternoon was spent finishing classes, juniper was glancing every few seconds on the hanging clock, focusing on its ticking. It felt like it was slowing down the more she stared.

Tick,

Unless she was seeing things, but just out of the corner of her eyes it looked like the seconds hand was about to stop. She sighed.

Tick,

Looking back again her eyes twitched trying to focus on the flitting jitter of the hand from a distance. She felt the tingle slowly fade in near her nape, grabbing the back of her head quickly.  

Tick,

It moved again, relieved she stopped to look back at the screen before her, hissing at the blue light shock it sent through her irises.

“Psst,” it caught her attention and juniper glanced to her right. “Watching the time pass by won’t make it go faster.”

Juniper gave her a small lopsided smile, “Yeah, I know. I just can’t help it.” She didn’t notice ningning’s eyes catching her. “I know.”

“Almost done,” she winked, playing with her soft hair, the edges were out at the end of her plait and she toyed with them. “I need a good haircut, and a rest, I’m so exhausted from all the work,”  

Ningning stayed silent for a moment eyeing the lecture, thinking for a moment, she quickly mumbled to her frizzy haired partner. “What do you say we take a spa day next Saturday? You and me?”

“I need to try fixing this whole-” she signalled to her temple “Em, art, issue. I won’t get any better if I just sit there and mope about.” She slipped her chewed up sleeve beneath the table making sure it covered past her wrists, hiding it out of sight, though it didn’t go past Ningning’s sharp eyes.

“Yeah but overworking yourself isn’t going to fix anything either.” She sighed, there was no way ningning would break her stubborn mindset.

She still lifted her glace to try again, but was met with a firm but apologetic no, juniper wasn’t budging.

“Alright fine.” Ningning rolled her eyes.

And about time too, the bell signalled the end of class and the slowly increasing beating of Junipers heart, she shakily gathered her books into her bag before running out.

~

Jay sighed, it was so much more enjoyable feeling the distinct scent of autumn brush through him, just the last few umber leaves of the season lay strewn beneath his shoes, as it got colder he reminisced of the feeling of winter back in America.

He missed the pumpkin spice season but definitely didn’t miss the college experience there, different system and of course America didn’t have is friends.

America didn’t have juniper.

Jay remembered mumbling once when they were young,  a taurus moon, laying above the roof the tiles digging into his shoulder blades but her soft fingers playing with the stray strands of blonde.

“You should come back to America with me.” He missed the echo of a chuckle that day, her eyes shimmering with life, a beautiful galaxy of hope swirled in those dark magnum irises.

“Your dad would be pleased with that wouldn’t he?” Jay always hoped she’d say yes. Agree and run away with him.

“He would, he’s from there. But I can’t leave my life here behind.”

“You don’t have to. Me and you,” he glanced towards juniper, “Can always come back. Here and there. Together?” tracing her curls he watched the blow past her face from the light breeze.

His gaze caught the metallic framing shimmering against the light rays of sunlight from a distance, crossing the road he approached the college closer hoping he’d catch a closer glimpse of Jake or even heeseung.

“JAY!” he heard a yell from past the trees around the stairwell. “Yah Park Jay!”

Before the poor boy was able to turn to see who was calling from across the pathway down he was engulfed into a delicate but warm hug. He recognised those warm chocolate curls as the face buried itself into his chest.

Jay could only make out something close to a sob, her voice broke as she whispered. He wrapped his arms tightly around her small frame, chuckling.

“I’ve missed you too, juni.”

“How come I don’t get a hug bro, but she gets one first?” jay piped up at the familiar voice, the one that was calling out earlier. Turning to see his long-time friend Jake, now much taller and with his hair slicked back.

Jay gaped at his friend, the boy who once was entering his class for the first time, aged 11, without much knowledge of the native language and wore dorky glasses, a sweater and jeans was now wearing ripped jeans, decked in chains and had a piercing.

“How have you been, it’s good to see you bro.” he smirked taking him in for a shoulder hug as he grasped his hand tightly. Jake had gotten stronger too, he could feel the muscle across his shoulders.

“Good to see you too man, gone back to black?” Jake noticed his friends hair colour.

“Yeah, well, it’s hard to stand out with dyed hair in America. Almost everyone has it now.” He laughed.

Juniper watched as the two laughed for a bit, catching up with each other, she slowly followed as the three began walking down, at the end of the road they stopped at a near café.

~

“This is the first time in a month she’s been out and about after school you know?” Jake nodded towards juniper before taking a long sip of his iced tea.

“Fuck, why juni?” juniper watched has jay turned around in his seat facing her with a worried expression.

“No reason. Just haven’t been feeling it.” She noted fact that he nodded slowly as twisted back facing Jake again. She made a mental note to kill Jake for spilling that so easily.

Fazing out she watched the two talk, catching up. Jay was asking about friends he and Jake were mutual with. But her phone wasn’t interesting at the moment.

Instead she was enamoured by the way Jay looked, she hadn’t seen her childhood friend in so long, a good few years, and before he left she was in a small peak before hitting a long and painful low.

Secretly she some part of her wished she had taken the offer to travel, things would’ve been much different. His hair was dyed black again, his natural colour. The default hair came with leather jackets and ripped jeans. Typical Jay.

Although somewhere during his stay in America something twisted, it changed slightly. The grunge rock band shirts and graphic ‘propaganda’ for satanic cults he once adorned turned to freshly ironed suit shirts in blank colours and black plain t-shirts with the mint and freshly cut grass scent.

Park Jay looked good, happy even. Content.

Jay looked like he had definitely matured, even by the way he spoke and carried himself. The slouch now long gone. It made juniper smile to herself quietly.

Juniper sipped the last of the drink in her cup, finishing it up and passing it to jay as he excused himself to the restroom, throwing the empty cups away.

“Hey, what did we say about mentioning my fucked up self in front of others?” juniper hissed, head low as she caught jakes attention.

“Are you saying you’re not going to tell jay about the accident?” Jake sniped back, he was confused now.

“Exactly what I’m saying.”

The males eyes widened. His face going slack, “What the fuck, juni? I thought you’d be the one to tell him everything.”

“He doesn’t need to know, it won’t change anything now.” fingers pushing back a curl behind her ear, she sighed “You and me can both tell he’s doing so much better now, he looks happier.” Jake noticed her voice go quieter towards the end.

“I don’t want to be the one to take that away from him.”

“He doesn’t deserve that jakey.”

~

The entire day after Jake felt like something was off,

Jake shim wasn’t stupid, he could read the air well. He could tell when something had changed. And he noticed right away when a day ago juniper decided to hide something from jay.

“I’m telling you something is up.” Jake mumbled to Sunghoon. He truthfully didn’t want to bother his friends head with drama. He knew he was busy preparing for an upcoming competition but he couldn’t talk to anyone else.

Because Sunghoon listens, he doesn’t try to give meaningless advice or brush him off.

“It feels weird, like you have two friends who have known each other for so long, and one decides that sharing something that was life changing and still affects them is a wrong move,”

He hums to himself whispering slightly as his legs kick at the inner wall of the rink.

“what do you think?” he throws the question at Sunghoon. Blankly fixing his skates, he blinks, sighing.

“what?”

“What do you think is going on?”

“Well you’ve been ranting about person 1 and person 2 for a while now. What do I think about what specifically?”

Jake rolls his eyes leaning back slightly at the thick rim of the ice rink barrier. “Does that sound like a normal relationship between long-time friends?”

Sunghoon straightened himself up. “No.”

“That’s what I thought.” Jake hissed.

“To you? And others? No. To an introvert? or if it’s a personal issue? then yes.” Jake huffed at Sunghoon’s elaboration.

“Wait introvert?” he observed the male before him nod. “Does that mean you’ve kept things from me?”

“Jake, were friends but we can’t tell each other everything and anyt--” “Brothers. It’s brothers.” Jake snapped sulking slightly.  “And I’ll have you know I tell you everything.”

A lopsided smile slipped onto Sunghoon’s features, “Oh really, You haven’t told me who these people are though,”

“What are their names, do I know them?”

Jake bit his lip, shit he was caught.

“No you don’t know them, besides what would their names do in a situation like this, they don’t add anything.” He mumbled.

Sunghoon was now grinning, creating little almond shapes with his skates backwards and forwards. “See? We both hide things from each other,” he spoke voice getting quieter as he skid backwards. Moving farther away.

“doesn’t mean we hate each other or that were bad friends it just means there are things that are best kept hidden, especially if you’re saying that it’s a life changing situation and they’re still going through it.”

Jake was in thought for a moment, his words getting him to think. He watched Sunghoon mindlessly. The male spun on two feet before gliding over to him.  

“So listen to ‘whoever this is’ and don’t be telling jay anything for now.” Jakes eyes stared up, he looked flabbergasted at the mention of his friends name. Fuck he found out.

“How the fuck did you manage to find out I was talking abo--” he slipped off the ledge opening the doorway for Sunghoon. He watched said boy step past the threshold whilst sniggering.

“You mentioned ‘coming back from America’, idiot.”

“You chose fine art for a reason. Something about following John’s footsteps. Remember?” Uh oh, that wasn’t good, bringing up dads name like that. She’s probably pissed, “But as I said before, that wouldn’t help you if you were stuck.”

“Your lectures don’t demand anything specific, do they?” it sounded like she was mumbling more to herself at this point.

She passed the stone wall from the kitchen and made her way towards the plush seating area. Clutching onto the ceramic mug in her grasp she lifted it to her mouth pausing to sip.

“I don’t understand what you mean by being stuck, I mean you cant be stuck in art just draw anyone,” she sighed, “draw me?” she offered, pushing the cushion next to her to get comfortable,

“The Parks will be back from America soon if you want to draw Jong, I’m sure he wouldn’t mind.”

Her eyes never left the mug, or the table, then it was the remote then the TV, she couldn’t look at Juniper, it was going to push her to the edge and snap if she sees her dozing off and away into ‘la la land’ as she puts it.

“Look I’m sorry, I don’t mean to be so harsh. Not after what you went through.” Here we go again, bringing up the accident again, “But I’m really trying my best to understand.”

What Camille didn’t know was her daughter wasn’t dosing off or ignoring her. She was having another phase again, they had been increasing a lot lately, disassociation was happening more than juniper would like to admit.

But it was out of her hands, at a point she didn’t know if she was living or watching a sad dullen movie in first person perspective.

Her hands would raise before her often looking off, odd. Detached, Like they didn’t belong to her. Maybe it was her friend behind her, they weren’t her fingers, the blur of stone texture merged into the café ambience, ordering a iced mango tea with her friends hands as hers?

She could hear Karina’s voice sniggering and my hands- Juniper, her hands waving about, but Juniper couldn’t recall wearing red nail varnish.

No, that cant be true, she wasn’t at a café right now. Snapping out of the warm memory she shared with her raven haired friend Juniper straightened herself, now facing her mother.

Said woman’s face was worried, eyes drooping with anxiety. Juniper pulled her hands down finally from across her face.

She was in for a good talk tonight.

At least she was right about something, glancing down to double check, a small smile appeared.

Juniper doesn’t ever wear red nails, that was a Karina thing.

~

“And why on earth would you do that of all places in front of your mother?” karina blinked dumbfounded at juniper, this was utter stupidity to her.

“Are you dumb?” Jake interrupted the two hushed muttering, “She told you she cant help when it happens. Ever since the accident it just comes and goes.” He set the hot drinks adjacent to each person.

Juniper silently thanked him for responding, her tongue felt a bit heavy at the moment.

“Karina just be quiet for a moment.” He rolled his eyes, sitting down, chest against the back of his chair,

“You’re lucky juni likes you,” she muttered taking a sip of the coffee he set before her. Jake grinned at juniper, “It’s alright, it happens jun.” Nudging her to the inviting warmth of the drink.

“You should be glad that’s all that’s happening, you were in a goddamn car crash.”

But that wouldn’t be enough to stop the whining.

“I know but I couldn’t even pick up the pencil last class. Can you believe that? My studio lecturer was shocked. I’m usually the first to finish my canvases!” juniper couldn’t stop the shaking her foot was doing. her face going through 5 different expressions in the span of a few seconds.

“How has that got anything to do with me being in an accident.” She droops her shoulders,

“To be honest with you, I wouldn’t be inspired in the least bit, not with the hideous bunch they get the students to draw in your live classes.” Karina played with the lid, her hair splaying over her shoulders.

"Have you been peeking into the art studios again?" jake sighed, his fingers at the bridge of his nose.

“I don’t think that’s my problem though.” Juni pushed herself back slouching at the table.

“Besides, it would be a class problem then, but everyone else seems to be doing well in their projects.” Jake added, he lifted the lid off juni’s cup.

“Even Ning’s is finding things easy, she hasn’t had any issues with her canvases.” Juniper added, her face screamed hopelessness.

“Yeah but our Ningning would create a masterpiece out of a bowl of fruit as a reference.” Karina stated proudly ignoring the glares Jake was sending her.

“Right, true.” Juni mumbled, in deep thought.

Jakes eyebrows scrunched, he was stuck too, he couldn’t help juni in any way possible. He’d recently tried inviting her and karina with a few other friends to his weekend cabin for a fresh ‘slate wipe’ as the raven haired karina put it, maybe it would’ve helped her find something to inspire her work.

Even give her a moments peace of mind and calm since the accident. Didn’t work, she spent the entire weekend cooped up in her room. Only coming out for food and water.

The day before he took her and Jungwon to an art gallery that had opened downtown recently. She stayed secluded and alone, didn’t even bother talking to jungwon even though he tried cheering her up at the ticket booth by pulling out some ageyo.

Gave Jake a good laugh and some blackmailing material on his phone though so it didn’t all go to waste in his mind.

“What’s wrong with noona, she doesn’t seem to be alright Jake Hyung?” Jake remembered reassuring the young boys shoulder, “don’t worry, she’ll come around, let’s give her some space for now.”

Watching her now all she did for a while was stare out into nothingness, she was blank, emotionless. He couldn’t read her.

Jake was pulled out of his daze quickly.

“Wait, you’re telling me you looked at Jungwon, the Yang Jungwon. And didn’t have any urge to draw him?” karinas screech snapped juni from her trail of thoughts.

Jake sniggered at the raven haired girls antics, “I’m sorry, even I have no artistic talent but every single time I see that cute little Cheeto I want to draw him so bad. His eyes are gorgeous.” She squealed.

“Yeaah, No. No I didn’t, as much as I appreciate that he’s good looking. But it’s not just about visual appearance. It’s… it is so much more that that something deeper, I don’t know how to explain it. Fuck.”

“Ugh now my head hurts.” Threading her fingers into her messy curls,

“Stop!” Jake snapped. “You’re going to hurt yourself even further, it’s been less than 2 months , you’re stressing yourself out too much about this.”

“Wait, I can. I can explain it.” She lifts her head up from the table. Her hair all over the place. “It’s like a block.”

A stupid metaphorical stone barrier.

Ever since I could hold a pencil and use a paint brush its come so naturally to me. Me, juni, lee juniper, it was just a part of me. A part I could always come back to.

Even when everything was unstable and things would crumble around me. It was there, the paintbrush in water, colours intoxicating into one another, the canvas a base ready to soak up every inch of pain and sorrow, guilt and misery I gave it.

In a way I had always passed on the emotional baggage I carried into a prison cell in the physical form of a canvas or sketchbook under lock and key. Sometimes it even hurt to look at certain pieces, which led me to start selling them. The farther the recipient the better.

Maybe the feelings trapped under layers of paint and thinner merged with brushstrokes would finally leave me just like the painting did?

Little spoiler here, they didn’t. they never did. I keep falling back to the same old sentiments that seemed strapped on to me for the life long journey.

Do you think if an external viewer looked into my life they’d view me as selfish? As spoilt as can be? I seem to have everything from their perspective, a second chance at life too, so what more cou-

“This isn’t working.” Juniper drops the pencil the lead cracking.

A sigh sounds from her right at a distance. The third one since she’s started the therapy session.

It was warm, from a distance she could see the heat waves float past the electric heater, they distorted the view of the window from her eyes, the amber shades of the dying sun flittering softly across the blue sky,

The blue sky was her fathers blanket cuddling her in. As a child, she'd come home tears soaked. Soft eyes and warm hold, he’d carry her towards the fireplace, snuggling her up and with a hot chocolate, tellling her it'll all get better soon.

Juniper could almost taste the faint warm sugary liquid.

“Juniper, just try to continue, you’ve made some form of progr--” “That’s it though, thats the issue.” The frizzy curls bounce from the sharp movement of her head.

The taste of the cacao drink wasn't this bitter though,

She mutes the laptop and shuts her camera quickly. The therapist didn’t need to hear her private conversation with her mother.

“That’s all it is, some progress but not the type that I need. That I want, to move me forward.”

“I didn’t understand what you meant by ‘the block’ and you said your friends didn’t understand it either but Jake suggested you try therapy and so this is what we’re doing right now,"

Camille got up fixing her hair and walked over to the table Juniper was situated on in the kitchen. "What more do you want me to do?”

“I don’t want to talk about the car crash. I don’t want to think about this.” Turning to see her mother walking towards her, she panicked.

"It can't be that bad jun-"

“No don’t read it!” Juniper scrunched the page up forcefully and held it tightly in her fist.

“Juniper, just let me see if there’s something I can do to hel—” but she couldn’t finish her words her mouth open agape at the actions of her daughter.

She watched the strawberry brunette take the piece of scrumpled paper and slide it swiftly into her mouth.

“Juniper lee, what are you doing?” she was shaken a bit, her voice breaking a bit.

“it’s just, you couldn’t. You can’t read it.”

The sad thing is you also can’t help, because you’ll never truly understand me.

You never did anyways.

~~~

[Juniper’s Pov]

Art class was usually the highlight of my day - key emphasis on ‘was’ - Apart from studio, I had to take a few other mandatory classes. Like the history of art.

I share the class with Jake and karina, might be my second favourite after studio. Well, it was before the long term art block happened.

I take a few others like, photography stage 1, filmography 3, printmaking and portfolio management. The drain of the day now had become studio surprisingly. I had managed to pull through for now with most of my other lectures, but studio was difficult to wing.

There was no theory, only artwork being created.

“Hey, you alright?” ningning’s voice rang past the table as she walked towards me. I woke myself up from the thoughts that were buzzing through my mind for a short moment.

“Yeah, uh yes. I’m fine.” Sounded like I was trying to convince myself more. I’m sure she picked up on that, just like she’s picking up the fiddling I’m doing with the edge of my sleeve,

I let go of it quickly, watching the frayed threads dangle off the damaged rim.

“Right. See karina told me to keep an eye on you.”

My eyes narrow at the words subconsciously, “she said that, did she?” my brain registers her chuckles but I’m still somewhat insulted by the words.

“I’m not going crazy,”

“I know that, we all do, karina asked me to make sure you’re ok, help a friend out if they need it.” Ningning smiled taking her place parallel to me at our table.

“You shouldn’t be hurt by that, it should actually be me, since the friend I was talking about didn’t even bother to let me know she’s been finding studio class tough.” Her right dimple poked through as she smirked.

“Shhshshhhh.” I look around to the rest of the class. “And ruin my perfect record in fine art? Hell no.”

“It’s tough, to connect with something so connected to deeper emotions, especially when you just left something so draining and mentally crushing.” Ningning fiddled with the edge of the canvas her ears going reddish.

“So I guess what I’m trying to say is, take it easy. For now.”

~

It’s actually quite ironic. Ningning would always need help with finishing up her pieces, I’d usually tidy after her while she added the final touches, now I’m the last person to finish and she’s helping me fix the place up.

I couldn’t help the bitter taste at the tips of my tongue.

“You can go back to the dorms now if you’d like, I need to fix this. I’ll be back Later this afternoon.”

I could see her eyes straining to keep open, as she moved around the sheets from my old portfolio to the new one helping me set them up.

“No no, I wan—" I cut her off, “don’t worry about it, I’ll take it from here. Seriously, go rest ningning.”

She drops the sheet at the table. Packing her stuff into the bags. The brunette gives me one last pleading look but I nod affirming my choice.

“Don’t stay here for too long ok?” I nod waving lightly at her.

“Save me a space for movie night.” I call out. She waves her fingers back with a thumbs up. Leaving me all alone to figure out how I’ll finish the set up without having a breakdown.

I flip through last year’s work, my whole project was based on the study of objects. I flowed each brush stroke, each pencil scratch, every chalk smudge remembering everything. The whole diary thing wouldn’t help me, it just hit me that I needed to draw, I needed to create and paint everything out.

I’d only be able to remember that way. But it wouldn’t work that way because every single time I looked at a paintbrush or canvas I couldn’t bring myself to pick it up. It hurt too much.

What would I even paint? Or draw? I have the worst block ever, dropping the pages held up I look back up, trying to stop the tears from cascading down my face.

The one thing I was made to do, the one thing I was good at was being robbed away from me by the minute and I had no clue what to do.

What would I do now with no lifeline to hold onto, what if something goes hopelessly wrong and it crumbles like before and I have nothing to grasp onto.

Drying my tears with the damaged edge of my sleeve, I look back down, sifting my blurry eyes down to a sheet beside my shoes. I stared blankly at the old sketch thrown to the side, it must have slipped from between the sheets when I dropped the thicker pages.

I crouch lifting it up, following the lines sketched quickly onto the sheet. It was a blurry image, like the memory it came from. But it wasn’t old. It was actually the most recent sketch I had done.

I trace the lines mindlessly on the textured page. The eyes were the most prominent. I could see the anxiousness in them, the fear. He looks young from what I’ve sketched.

I let out a breath I was holding, it was him. A blur but I remembered the fading lights, sirens following after, the screams of worry and confusion.

My nameless saviour.