“ ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THIS? ” –– because he’s sure as shit not.
He hovered closely next to Rachel ( hands at the ready to catch her if she stumbled ) with Matt on her other side, as they had done since she’d arrived in Naercey; unwilling to let her out of his sight for more than five minutes time. He still wasn’t sure that she wouldn’t just up and disappear, that she wasn’t some mirage he’d dreamed up from sheer force of will.
He, for one, had opted for them all to stay back in Naercey, attempting to bribe them both with how quiet the ruined city would be and promise of endless ice cream from the kitchen. He wasn’t convinced that Rachel had only wanted to go because she knew Matthew would, and above that, knew that Noah wouldn’t let him out of his sight just as much as he wouldn’t let her. If he wasn’t so goddamn nervous the idea of them banning together like they used to would have brought a nostalgic smile to his lips.
as it was, he was goddamn FUCKING nervous.
“ We should go back, guys. Really. I don’t got a good feeling about this. ”
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If Y E A R S of quick footed movements hadn’t honed his ability to catch himself, Gerard might have tripped and fallen in front of all of these people. And wouldn’t that be ironic, the fallen champion sinking even lower, yet again, in the public eye, an embarrassing mess of limbs in the dust.
Those were all ifs, however, ifs that resulted in a scenario that hadn’t happened. He’d managed to escape the metal crutches. They seemed to be on the warpath, considering how rapidly their owner was trying ( and failing ) to move through the crowd.
She was pretty enough, for a Red, but the daisies in her hair and the smile on her face seemed to reflect the Sabina-ness of her nature, and he had a feeling that if he engaged, he was going to be met with yet another happy-go-lucky person who believed the world could be full of love and hope and flowers.
Still, there were people walking around who weren’t quite as adept as him when it came to avoiding clumsy situations, like Kieran, who wouldn’t be able to prevent himself from falling on his ass if this girl’s crutch came flying out of nowhere.
“Watch it,” he said sharply, stepping back as the metal rods landed in the space his left foot had just vacated. “Are you trying to stab someone?”
He’d met Rachel the morning after the incident, when he’d willingly ( and far too excitedly ) plopped down next to her on the makeshift hospital bed and elaborated on what he’d already been through with the guard, in such a short span of time. Grey had always been a story-teller, and Rachel seemed the type fond of living vicariously, so with embellishments added in the proper spots he’d had her HOOKED in no time. They became easy friends after the fact, and he’d found himself spending a good chunk of his day next to her, traveling into his past life. Some would deem it unhealthy, but Grey thought it to be therapeutic. To relive the better days, the one’s where Lake was happy and Flynn was found outside of the bottle and Gabe was a l i v e. He approached the girl nonetheless, an easy grin on his lips. “ I didn’t think you’d come, ” he stated, referring to her less than agile state. “ Robin didn’t put up a fight? ”
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She was alive.
Rachel was alive and a member of the Scarlet Guard.
That had been the biggest shock Claudius had experienced these past three days since he arrived in Naercey with Aetius and Emmett, and that said a lot. The three of them had bonded in the past months, and through their pain and loss and hope of a better tomorrow, a partnership was born. Emmett told Claud bits and pieces about the Guard, and merely weeks later, they headed to Naercey to meet up with the Commander of the Scarlet Guard. As far as the Prince was concerned, his guard was on leave in Summerton with his sister. It was the first time Claudius had to lie to his best friend and future King, but the way he saw it, it was for Dom’s own good. If everything worked out with Aurora, Claud would be more than happy to share everything with Dom.
And then, finally, they could start working together–both Reds and Silvers–towards the same goal: freedom and peace. Too many lives had been lost from both sides, it was time to make a change.
But before then, they had much work to do. Naturally, Claud and Aetius weren’t welcome by the Reds in their city and the only reason no one had attacked them yet was because of Emmett’s word.
At the moment, Claudius was sitting outside of Aurora’s office, his face buried in his hands, trying to make sense of everything that had happened these past three days. He was supposed to be thinking about constructing a plan with the Commander, but Claud’s mind constantly wandered back to Rachel. She was avoiding him, that much was clear, and he’d be lying if he said he wasn’t doing the same. Besides, Claudius wasn’t that foolish to let on that he knew a Red girl, much less that he had been involved with her. That he had fallen in love with her.
So they stayed away from each other, up until the very moment when Rachel appeared in the corridor, stopping in her tracks when she saw Claudius. She opened her mouth to say something, but closed it immediately, turning on her heels to walk away, but Claud wasn’t going to let her.
“I’m sorry.” he said, hoping it would come out firm and resolute, but instead, his voice trembled. At the very least, he got Rachel’s attention, but she had yet to turn back around to face him. “I’ve been trying to decide what to say to you these past few days, but I never realized I should start with an apology.” Claud said. “For letting you down, for betraying you, for leaving you–” he cut himself off, his eyes turning glassy. Crying is a weakness. Real men don’t cry, he recalled his father’s words.
When Rachel turned around, her eyes were red, as if she had pushed back tears, but other than that, she appeared completely calm. “Have you ever heard about the old saying ‘The walls have ears’? she asked him, and Claud instantly got the hint. He pressed his lips into a tight line, his eyes apologetic.
The simple fact that Rachel was actually willing to talk to him made Claud breathe out in relief. If he was being completely honest, he had expected her to shut him out completely, to slap him, to call him names. But then again, the girl he knew at the Choke would never do such a thing. She was full of forgiveness and kindness, and Claud was happy to see that she hadn’t changed too much. “Yes, yes I’d very much appreciate that.”
With a slight limp in her step, Rachel led the way to her apartment, and Claud didn’t have to ask about her injury to guess where she had got it from. It was all because of him. People watched him with hatred and disgust as they walked outside, but everyone’s gaze softened remarkably when they greeted Rachel. Claud smiled to himself – she had always had that effect on people, and even he wasn’t immune.
They didn’t exchange a single word until they reached Rachel’s apartment, and Claudius was a little taken aback at how put-together the interior looked. Things weren’t always exactly as they seemed in Naercey, and with the Scarlet Guard in general.
“Who do you live here with?” Claud asked as he looked around the room which had three beds in total.
“Friends from back home.” she replied, sitting down on a battered couch with a sigh, massaging her leg.
“Are you in pain?” Claud looked at her, worry written all over his face.
“I didn’t bring you here to talk about this, did I?” she asked him, and Claud could swear he noticed the slightest edge in her voice. Good. He wanted her to be angry with him. He deserved it, he deserved her hatred.
Claudius shook his head. “I’m so sorry, Rachel. But I know no matter how many times I say it, it won’t mean anything.” he said, standing awkwardly at the edge of the room, as if he couldn’t wait to get out of there.
“That’s not true.” Rachel said. “It means something. It means you made a very difficult choice between your heart and your duty. And you made the right one.”
“No, no I didn’t–”
“Yes you did, Claud. You saved your best friend’s life. You saved your future King’s life, that’s far more important than rescuing a Red girl who won’t even make it to her thirtieth birthday.” she shrugged, as if it wasn’t a big deal.
“Don’t do that.” Claudius looked at her firmly, his blue eyes narrowing at her. “I know what you’re doing, you’re only trying to make me feel better by thinking you’ve forgiven me for betraying you.”
“I have forgiven you, Claud.” Rachel said softly. “Not because it’s what you need to hear, but because it’s what I needed to do in order to heal. In order to let you go.” her voice broke at the last words, and Claudius knew that everything she just said was a lie.
“If you’ve let me go, then you wouldn’t be feeling so much right now.” he told her, taking two firm steps towards the couch she was sitting on. “Your eyes wouldn’t be filling with tears. Your cheeks wouldn’t be flushing red.” Claud’s voice was rising in volume, but beneath it all, there was desperation. “Don’t pretend with me, please. I am a hero to my own people but I couldn’t be far from it. So don’t tell me you forgive me or that I did the right thing, because I know it’s not true.”
“And what else am I supposed to say, then?” Rachel suddenly pushed herself up from the couch, and while the sharp movement must’ve hurt her leg, she never let it show. Instead, her face was a mix of emotion; anger and grief and pain, and finally, Claudius thought they were getting somewhere.
“I want you to say what you mean. I want you to hate me and to call me a traitor and a liar and how I don’t deserve to ever be happy again because of what I did to you.” he breathed fast, his heart pounding inside his chest. “Just do it, Rachel. When have we ever kept secrets from each other? We’ve always been honest, so let’s not change it now.” he challenged her, trying to get her to explode.
“Don’t you realize how selfish that is?” Rachel asked him, and now she was the one stepping towards him, trying to match his height and make herself seem taller. “I’ve spent all these months trying to piece myself back together– in every sense of the word –and now you’ve come here telling me to regress from all that and scream at you for leaving me to die beneath that wall?” she laughed humorlessly, lifting her arms in the air. “I was angry, Claudius. For so long. I was angry and sad and most of all lonely because I couldn’t breathe a single word to anyone about us.” It was clear that Rachel was trying to keep her voice in control, but despite her best efforts, it was starting to rise in volume. “I had to bury all of my pain and feelings and pretend none of what we had ever happened. Like there was never an us, like you never lo–” she cut herself off, looking away as tears fell down her cheeks, and she wiped them off harshly.
“I understand why you did it.” she continued. “I know it’s what you’ve been trained for since you were a little boy. I know Dom is like your brother, I know it’s your duty but…” Rachel shook her head, “Why couldn’t you just choose me?”
Silent tears fell from Claud’s eyes, and he didn’t care if he was weak. He felt weak. He felt like he wanted to be swallowed by the Earth itself. “I wish I could.” he said, reaching out to touch Rachel’s face, but she turned away, and that, like everything she had said so far, was yet another knife buried in his chest. But he started this, and like he kept reminding her, he deserved it. “I wish I could’ve. That day has haunted me ever since, I can’t sleep, I can’t eat, I can’t do anything. More than anything on this world, I wish I could’ve saved you both.” he said
It was those words that broke Rachel’s heart. “It’s okay, I understand.” she said, shutting down again. “You would never break the rules for a Red girl, and you shouldn’t. It would cost you your head, and what good would that do?”
“Rachel–”
“No. The only reason I asked you if you want to talk is because I wanted to hear what you had to say. I don’t know, maybe I wanted to hear you say sorry, or see you break like you are right now, like I did back then. But I don’t want to do this anymore. It’s too hard, for both of us.” she said, no longer crying. “You did what you had to do, and I paid the price for loving a silver boy. That’s just the way it is.”
But all Claudius could hear was that she loved him. That little word. Love. It was so beautiful and cruel and unfair. “Please, Rachel.” Claud begged, closing the distance between them. “I don’t want to lose you again, I can’t bear it.” he said, only inches separating them. “I don’t deserve you, but I am too selfish to let you go.”
“Please go, Claudius, I want you to go.” Rachel said weakly, not making any attempts to move away from him.
“I can’t.” Claud whispered, leaning his forehead against hers. “I love you, I never stopped loving you.”
“And I hate you.” Rachel said in the same small voice, breathing the same air he did, her eyes closed. “I hate you so much.”
“You should.” Claud told her, cupping her face with both hands. “You should hate me, just like I hate myself. But if you don’t push me away right now, I am going to kiss you.”
“I will hate you even more if you kiss me.” Rachel said, looking down at his lips.
“It will be worth it, then.” Claud smiled ever so slightly, and then, slowly, carefully, he lowered his lips on Rachel’s, kissing her tenderly, savoring every second of it. He faintly felt her tears wet his palms as he cupped his face, and when he broke the kiss, Rachel gasped, as if he had taken all the air from her lungs.
“I hate you.” she repeated the words, her small hand forming a tiny fist as she hit him on the shoulder. In response, Claudius kissed her again, this time pressing his lips firmly on hers, so hard that it hurt, and then Rachel’s tongue parted his lips, finding that familiar rhythm. It felt like no time had passed between them, their bodies responding to each other naturally. Claud pulled her close to him, one hand resting on her neck, the other holding her waist, pressing her against him. What had started as a gentle and fearful kiss was quickly turning into one of desperation and hunger, an outlet for their bottled up emotions, emotions that had been buried down and neglected for so long. Their hands roamed across each other’s bodies, feeling every curve and edge and texture, never once breaking the kiss for air, because they both knew, once they did that, it would be over.
Much to his surprise, it was Rachel that started to pull at Claud’s clothing, letting out a frustrated sound when she had to break the kiss in order to take off his shirt. “Rachel–” Claud protested, getting a hold of her arms. “What are you doing?”
“What does it look like I’m doing?” she panted, trying to shrug out of his grasp.
“It looks like you’re trying to hurt both of us even more.” he told her, breathing through his nose in an attempt to control himself. It was too much, all of it – the kissing, the adrenaline, the pain. They needed to stop.
“I thought this is what you want.”
“It’s not.” Claud said, but the hardness in his pants proved otherwise.
They stared at each other for what seemed like an eternity, both their chest rising and falling simultaneously as Claudius still held her by the arms, his knuckles turning white. If this was a test of who is the weaker one, then Claudius lost the moment he harshly tugged her even closer to him, crashing his lips on Rachel’s, no more holding back. He was tired of choosing duty over his own feelings, over his own happiness. He needed, for once, to stop thinking so much. He needed to let go. And as Rachel took off his pants and led him to her bed, that is exactly what he did.
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Merely a month had passed since Rachel Bristow saved his life on the front lines. A month since Claudius’ life changed completely. Only thirty days since he truly started to live. Any memory before her felt dull and lacking color, but with her, every moment was vibrant and passionate and unforgettable.
After a long, excruciating day on the battlefield, defending Dom and looking after Rachel, Claud returned to his room with Rachel with the intention to spend some time together. Lying on the couch together, he read her bits and pieces of his favorite book, the Iliad, each word touching his soul differently from the last time he had read it.
“…There is the heat of Love, the pulsing rush of Longing, the lover’s whisper, irresistible—magic to make the sanest man go mad.”
“The gods are hard to handle — when they come blazing forth in their true power.”
“Any moment might be our last. Everything is more beautiful because we're doomed. You will never be lovelier than you are now. We will never be here again.”
Eventually, when his eyes were too heavy with sleep to keep them open, Claud fell into a peaceful sleep. Faintly, he felt Rachel removing the book from his grasp before placing the softest of kisses on his lips. She readjusted her body so she could rest her head on his chest, listening to the pulse of his silver heart.
An hour later, Claud stirred, waking to find Rachel watching him, her eyes filled with so much affection that it made his breath hitch in his throat. “Sorry,” he yawned, stretching his arms. “How long was I asleep?”
“In that case, I don’t plan on letting go of you for the rest of the night.” Claud said, wrapping an arm around Rachel’s small frame and planting a kiss on her forehead.
“I’m not going anywhere.” she murmured, looking up to meet his eyes. “Ever.”
This, right here, was the reason Claud lived for. These rare moments of complete, blinding happiness were what kept him going on days when all he wanted was to give up. Rachel Bristow was the best thing that had happened to him in this lifetime, and he thanked the Gods and the stars and the universe’s mysterious ways of bringing souls together for giving him the chance to be with his other half.
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