grieve is not meant to be . . . a drowsy light from an underground bar. the bottom of that glass shows no answers, not that any answer could bring back the dead or undo the grave mistakes carved in the past. those were the two maxims every cruel vagabond in the room had been introduced to at the earlier stages of their career. you pick up a habit to become too intimate with death a requirement for their curriculum &. sanity. this does not mean that all the wandering faces around them were mere automatons, uncapable of grasping the mere concept of emotion. addy herself, the unrivalled bartender, halted her efforts to clean the crystal glass on her hand as she eavesdropped their conversation. regrettably, she too had enough experience in losses.

recovery is remembering : the empty gaze of his first love on what was supposed to be an easy hit job. both too young, too proud, &. stupidly naïve ( traits that are very characteristic for those in their early twenties ). what else was there beside the fact that he could no longer hear her voice? or watch how her lips stretched wide into a genuine smile whenever she heard one of his dry jokes . . . the shared meals started to be an empty dark room where he would simply desist halfway through his meal, engulfed by the guilt of the bitter tale. recovery is accepting the void that cannot be filled by someone or something else, but life does not stop for those who mourn with the sour thoughts of « what ifs » festering in their minds.

he stands next to her, no drink in hand, just a passenger refusing to abandon a friend in need . . . a reflection of the joyless &. furious person he once was when experiencing his first loss. " and you are alive. " that much is a certainty, the only thing within control at the moment. a back-handed obvious statement, but no less true than the fact that her companion was dead. those two harsh realities coexist in this exact instance. " it's your choice now. give up, sit here talking to ghosts. or . . . HONOUR WELLES. learn from your mistakes and show everyone especially yourself that you are better than this. "