Content Note:
This entry discusses childhood suicidality, overdose, neglect, and olfactory trauma. Please take care while reading.
I saw a bottle todayāthe same kind of Costco-sized Tylenol bottle from when I was twelve. Big. Red. Too many pills. I donāt even think it was open, but the second I saw it, IĀ smelledĀ it. That plastic-medication scent that used to hover around the one I hid under my bed.
Itās so weird how the smell still exists for me. Like my body keeps it stored somewhere, waiting. And when the memory shows up, even just visually, it releases itālike a trapdoor opening in my brain. Suddenly, Iām there again.
My parents were gone on a trip. My stepdadās parents were supposed to be watching us, but no one was really around. I called my mom to say I was sick so I didnāt have to go to school. She said okay. That was it. No one checked on me. No one came into my room.
I kept taking more. Handful after handful. I donāt know what I thought would happen. I didnāt even know if Tylenol could kill me. I just knew I didnāt want to feel how I was feeling anymore.
I remember vomiting so hard my whole body ached. I remember how long the sickness lasted. I remember thinking maybe Iād done it wrongālike even that, Iād failed at. I was too ashamed to tell anyone. I didnāt want to admit Iād tried and itĀ hadnāt worked. So I shoved the bottle under my bed with a few stray pills left and never touched it again. But I could always smell it. For weeks. Or maybe months.
It shows up in waves. At the pharmacy. In someoneās bathroom. When I pass by a plastic container thatās been sitting too long in the sun.
And itās not about the bottle anymore. Itās about what no one saw. About the version of me that was sick, scared, and completely alone while the world just... kept going.
I guess I thought if I got sick enough, someone would help me. That if it was bad enough,Ā theyād notice.Ā But they didnāt. And maybe thatās what hurts the most.
I survived. I donāt always know how.
But sometimes the air still smells like twelve.
And my body still remembers not being saved.