#sugaraddict301

The cool ocean breeze swept your hair across your face, leaving you sputtering like a fool. You wrapped the ends of your blanket tighter around your body, as the sounds of the waves crashing accompanied your friends giggles beside you. 

It was cloudy, but that didn’t stop your friends from dragging you out of the house and to La Push. None of you surfed, and it was definitely too cold to swim, but you were enjoying the time out with your friends, cracking jokes and complaining about classes. At least you had been, until two figures walking together along the shore caught your eye. 

It was like your heart had been crushed, and all of the air left your lungs. 

He was with her. 

Jacob Black— your first friend, first love, and first heartbreak. 

You got up from where you were sitting— no longer feeling like hanging out with your friends— and began walking alongside the shore, in the opposite direction of them. Eventually, you found a large rock, one that you could sit on and observe the depths of the water.

Of course, you were ecstatic to hear of her return to the rainy town, having fond memories of braiding hair and sleepovers, but along with the happiness came bits of grief. You knew of the feelings that lingered between her and Jacob, your ex-boyfriend never fully getting over the dark-haired girl.

You had read that first loves shine the brightest and hurt the worst, which you unfortunately found out the hard way. The two of you grew up together, tugging on each other’s hair in simple, childish bouts of teasing. It was unclear when romantic feelings for your friend developed, but one day you were suddenly hit by waves of emotion, and you found yourself on a rapidly-moving train with no stop in sight. 

It wasn’t until you were 14 that you began to act on these feelings, after sensing that Jacob had felt the same. Dating Jacob was like breathing— it never took much effort nor thought, it simply existed. Your routines didn’t change much; you still hung out for the majority of the week, enjoying the time spent together. 

Some days you would watch movies for hours, cuddling on the couch in your living room, throwing out corny quips and references that only the two of you understood. Other days, you would simply coexist, working side-by-side but separately. And that was okay too. 

For three years, you followed this routine. It was simple, and it worked. It was filled with love and adoration but also immense respect and joy. Until one night, Jacob revealed something to you, completely catching you off guard and changing the course of your relationship for the worse. 

“Jake,” you started as the laugh track of the sit-com you were watching accompanied in the background. 

“Hmm?” He asked, and you felt the reverberation from his chest through your body.

It was Saturday, and the two of you were intent on spending the day inside, away from the bitter cold of Forks winters. You had finished your homework last night, in anticipation of cuddling up with your boyfriend for hours on the couch. You were both laying on the couch, his arms wrapped around your waist pulling you close against his body.

“Did you ever think we would end up together?” You asked. 

It was not an investigative inquiry, but rather just a random question that popped into your mind. You twisted your head back, looking at him with a smile that fell when you saw his eyes clouded with a haunted look. 

“Babe?” You asked, tentatively. And he blinked quickly, snapping out of his trance. By this point, worry filled your heart, and it beat fervently against your chest. You felt your hands grow clammy with sweat, and you began to pull away from his warm embrace. 

“I, uh… If I’m going to be completely honest,” he started, and your breath hitched, a deep pit in your stomach forming. You mentally cursed yourself, cursing your curiosity and inability to simply leave things be. 

“I had the biggest crush on Isabella Swan when we were younger. I don’t know what it was, but something about her just drew me in,” he continued. 

You and Bella Swan used to be close friends, being the same age and all. But after she stopped visiting Forks for summer and winter break, the two of you began to drift apart, no longer writing each other letters filled with life updates. In your later teens, as life began to pick up, you had almost forgotten about her completely— the thought of her, merely a childhood memory.

Your heart clenched, and you stirred up the courage to ask the first question on your mind— the most important question. 

“If she didn’t move away, would you still be with me?” You weren’t sure if you wanted to know the answer, but you needed to. 

“I don’t know,” he admitted, scratching the back of his neck in nervousness. 

Your stomach dropped, and you pulled away further, no longer wanting to be near him. 

“Oh,” you said. And that was all you could say.

“No, baby, it’s not like that though. I love you, you know I love you. Who cares about the ‘what ifs’? Who cares about the hypotheticals? We’re together now, and that is all that matters to me. You matter.” 

You could tell he was trying his hardest to reassure you, to backtrack and make up for his mistake, and you knew that it was partially your fault for backing him into a corner, but the damage was done. 

What was said could not be unsaid, and that is the nature of living. 

That night was a low point in your relationship— in your life. It was the turning point of the pure, uncomplicated love that you had for Jacob. It created friction between you two, even though you desperately tried for it not to. You both did. At one point, it was too much to bear, and you let go. You walked away from him. 

You were unsure as to how long you were sitting there, but you heard soft footfalls in the sand, alerting your senses to a presence behind you. It didn’t take a genius to figure out who it was. 

“I should’ve known better than to come here,” you said, tears filling your eyes, still focused on the shore. 

You didn’t want to look at him. 

It was hard to speak, the huge lump in your throat creating a crack in your voice along with the stinging of tears. At that moment, you embraced the cliche. Childhood loves never fully died, and now, you could attest to that based on first-hand experience. 

“Y/N,” Jacob started, with a sad smile. “You’re always welcome here, you know that. Even though we may not be together anymore, the Rez is your home too.” 

You shook your head in defiance, and finally you found yourself staring into his dark eyes, ones that were once filled with love and happiness for you. 

“No, I can’t keep coming here. I think we should stay away from each other, Jacob.” 

His eyes softened with sadness, and you swore you saw heartbreak in his eyes. But maybe you were just projecting. 

“You don’t want to see me anymore?”

“I…” you sighed. “It’s not that I don’t want to see you. It’s that I can’t. I can’t move on from you if I don’t step away now.” 

His eyes crinkled in confusion and his head tilted, reminding you of a kicked dog that simply did not understand the complexities of life. 

“What changed? We still would see each other after we broke up. It was hard at times, sure, but I think that’s natural.” 

Your heart was heavy, and the tears spilled over as you came to terms with bearing your heart to him one last time. One more time and then never again. 

“I can’t stand looking at the two of you together, knowing that used to be us. I miss us. I miss the way we were together. And I know that you don’t feel the same, and that’s okay. I want you to know that I’m okay with that. I understand. I just don’t think this is healthy for me… for either of us,” you stated with finality, truth ringing in your voice. 

“You don’t think I miss you? Miss us?” He whispered, and you shook your head. 

“I know you don’t, Jacob. I see the way you look at her, and you never looked at me that way,” your breath shook as you attempted to take a calm inhale. “And like I said, that’s okay. I’m okay. I just can’t keep hurting myself by staying.” 

Jacob was quiet, and you waited with baited breath to hear his response. He looked away, his eyes towards the shore where the waves crashed upon the black sand. Sand that you would often roll around in together on the rare sunny days, laughing and splashing your time away. 

“You’re wrong,” he stated, still staring at the murky water. 

“I did… look at you like that. I still look at you like that. You just didn’t see it. You never do. You never look at me anymore, and it kills me to know that it’s my fault. I lost you. I should’ve held onto you when I had the chance— I should’ve fought harder for you. I lay in bed, thinking about you. About all the time we spent together, and how I would trade anything in the world to get those moments back. To get you back. And I am so sorry, Y/N, for not telling you. For not reassuring you that it’s you I want. Not her. Not anymore. Not for a long time.”

It was your turn to remain quiet, unsure of what to say, of what could be said. 

You found yourself in tears, silently sobbing on the rock that numbed your body, or so you had tried to convince yourself. That it was the rock that did it. And not the boy next to you. 

He pulled you in a comforting embrace, not unlike the ones he would pull you into when you were together. He rested his chin on top of your head, cradling you close to his chest. 

“I love you,” he whispered, barely heard over the crashing of the waves.

“I love you, too,” you whispered back, muffled by the fabric of his cotton black t-shirt.

You were unsure as to what this meant for the future, for the next steps of your relationship. But you knew that the pieces of your heart were beginning to be stitched back together, slowly, but surely. 

And that was all the reassurance you needed in that moment.