#suddenly30

Not someone you met once, not someone you know. But, someone who you might not ever meet, because thus far, they do not exist.

My love life was always filled with a constant disappointment, I always tried to hard when they wouldn't or not enough once they finally did. I always loved so hard that it ruined everything. I was ready to give everything and be a wife to men that weren't even prepared to give me a peaceful home or even a ring.

I thought I was in love once and spent the best years of my life trying to convince that man I was worthy of his love.... it should never feel like that....

For all of my adult life,

I have craved a love with a man that would love me back completely and be mine and only mine, I wouldn't have to question whether or not I was enough as I would be sure with the life we live, that I was their only desire.

I've never even had a proposal, I've never been spoilt, I've never been swept off my feet, I've always instigated everything.

Why do I feel like I've never been loved?

And I am about to be 30.

I feel like the more I seek, the less I find.

This far, I have given up hope,

I know who I want,

He just does not exist.

I was taught by past mistakes to never settle and never feel like I have to lower my standards to fall in love,

But what if I never find him,

What if I am destined to walk this earth alone because the standards I hold can not be met? What if my heart is not meant to be consoled to another.

What if after all the time I have spent longing to figure out what love is and how you find it within another is just a waste of my fucking time.

And if I am too give up, even now,

So I’ve decided that I want to write something that others will maybe benefit from or share in, in some way. I’ve never used Tumblr before and to be honest, as a newbie, I don’t know much about it. 

I turned 30 earlier this year. I didn’t think that it would be the case but I struggled with the milestone more than I anticipated. I participated in every factor of my life, every decision, every waking moment; or non-waking moment for that matter! It’s not that I have made bad decisions. I’m not convinced that there’s such a thing as a “bad” decision. I think that people simply make decisions and it inevitably takes them a step closer or a step further away from where they want to be. Maybe that’s where I am right now? Ultimately, I’m not where I wanted to be at my age. 

I’m not “that person” where everything has fallen into place by, what appears from the outside to be, magic. You know who I’m talking about; the people who meet their soulmate at 18. The Notebook version of love. The people who created a multimillion dollar startup from their parents’ couch at 21. Is it just that our culture is unhappy with the simplicity and beauty of the average life?

I have a partner of 3+ years that I adore. A man that has truly taught me lessons about the important things in life; who is there for me no matter what. A man that I trust beyond measure, who makes me laugh and fills my day with joy. A man that I am excited to see at the end of everyday, however, I still have a pervasive sense of loneliness. 

Adult friendships are not easy to build. There’s something about the confinement of four bare classroom walls that builds fellowship like no other. Those school friendships are so valuable, however, they unsurprisingly become more distant with time and life circumstance. I think that people warn you about this in some vague way, however, of course, it doesn’t mean much until you are there. Stuck in that rut!

Somehow I feel as a though through social media we have created a culture of transparency but with a filter of dishonesty. People are willing to share what they are doing but not really how they got there. It feels shameful to be lonely, as though it says that you are not a nice, funny, likeable enough person. Can people talk about how they really feel? Not really. Not without being torn another a-hole. Welcome to the age of enlightenment. LOL. 

My question is...do others feel like this? Or is it just me?

Taking editorial cues from the one and only Jenna Rink.