#subguide

Question: How do I ask to be collared?

Answer:

Collaring isn’t a one-size-fits-all process, and there’s no universal “proper” way to ask for one. Some Dominants prefer to offer a collar when they feel the time is right, while others expect a submissive to express their desire for one. The key is open communication.

If you want to be collared, consider approaching it like a relationship milestone—similar to discussing exclusivity or even a proposal. Here are a few ways to bring it up:

A Direct Conversation: Simply express your feelings: "I am deeply committed to you and our dynamic. Have you considered collaring me?"

A Thoughtful Request: Please share why the collar is meaningful to you and how you see it symbolizing your submission.

A Formal or Playful Approach—If your dynamic involves ritual or protocol, you might write a heartfelt letter or even "beg" if that fits your relationship style.

If your Dominant expects you to ask but hasn’t shared how, don’t hesitate to seek clarification: “I’d love to honor your expectations. How would you like me to approach this?”

Remember, a collar is a symbol of commitment, not just an accessory. The conversation should reflect the depth of your connection, not just be a formality.

Here are some links to resources on collars and collaring ceremonies where you will find more valuable tips:

Expectations of a Collar: How Ready Are You to Accept One?

That Anxious Space from the Petition to the Collar

What it Means to be Collared by LadySneak

Offering Your Neck for Collar

Good luck, and congrats!

—lunaKM

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Question:  My husband and I are in a D/s relationship. However, I'm the one who runs the house, takes care of the kids, and is always the one "in charge." How can he and I maintain our dynamic? How do I stay in touch with my submissive side?

Answer:

Being the one who manages the house and kids doesn’t mean you can’t maintain your submissive role. It’s all about perspective and intention—submission isn’t just about following orders; it’s about service, devotion, and surrender in ways that feel fulfilling to you and your Dominant.

Reframe “Being in Charge” as Service

You’re not just running the household—you’re creating a space that supports your Dominant and your family. Instead of feeling like you’re in charge, think of it as: ✔️ Managing the home in a way that aligns with your Dominant’s expectations. ✔️ Providing care for your kids as an extension of your submission. ✔️ Making decisions while keeping your Dominant’s guidance in mind.

Ways to Stay Connected to Your Submission

1️⃣ Rituals – Kneeling, wearing a symbolic item, or sending a simple “How may I serve you?” text keeps submission present. 2️⃣ D/s Time – Even 15-30 minutes before bed where you fully engage in your dynamic helps reinforce your roles. 3️⃣ Submissive Language – Using titles or phrasing things with deference (“Would you prefer I handle it this way, Sir?”) can subtly shift the power dynamic. 4️⃣ Acts of Service – Small, intentional gestures like laying out their clothes or asking permission for things can bring submission into daily life. 5️⃣ Check-Ins – A weekly or monthly conversation ensures you both stay aligned and connected. 6️⃣ Give Yourself Permission – Submission isn’t about passivity—it’s about intentionally choosing to serve in ways that fit your life.

Your role as a wife, mother, and household manager doesn’t erase your submission—it just means you get to redefine it in a way that works for you.

👉 How do you stay connected to your submissive side in daily life? Let’s talk in the comments!

This answer comes from Mrs. Darling! You can read her articles and other contributions on Submissive Guide.

It is really easy to understand managing vanilla relationships around others (including kids living at home). It boils down to understanding one crucial concept: discretion. 

Discretion: the quality of behaving or speaking in a way to avoid causing offence or (IMPORTANTLY) revealing confidential information. 

We can mostly agree that kissing your spouse “bye” in front of the kids is appropriate, but we all also know that we would never make out while unbuttoning clothes in the same setting. We parents have a sex life, but we don’t need to reveal it in front of kids. Discretion is easy to understand here; the same basic principles apply to kinky relationships. We’ve lived 24/7 D/s the entirety of our kids' lives. I can assure you that how you display discreet power exchange changes depending on the children's ages. Be prepared to adjust over time. 

Discreet D/s inside of the bedroom involve finding time to play or engage in sprivate scene time For some households this means the end of the night when everybody is in their own private spaces, locking the bedroom door, and using “quieter” tools (clothespins, ball gags, bondage, scratching implements or a crop instead of many impact tools, fire/wax play, etc). For some, play happens outside of the home at scheduled kink events like parties and cons. 

Discreet D/s OUTSIDE of the bedroom follow the same rule of “discretion,” I suggest finding rules, rituals, and protocols throughout the day and week that are only noticeable or important to the two who have agreed upon them. Deciding who serves dinner, who opens doors, or who picks the date night outfit. Things like meal choices, whether one wears undergarments, and the things you send via private message to each other are all examples of silent, private, discreet D/s. 

Simply put, plan in advance the things that “feel D/s” inside and outside the bedroom in your dynamic, and keep a running list of what is appropriate to do in front of other people and what is not. Then, when living around others, focus on discreet actions and words. And when alone? That is the time to get wild and enjoy the kinks you’ve shelved until a better time.

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Reflect and respond to the following quote as it may relate to your submission:

"An old tool for self-improvement is to "act as if". Decide what you would like others to see when they look at you and "act as if" they do. As long as your vision does not violate the laws of physics, in time you will become what you have envisioned yourself to be."

Write about a bad kinky experience you've had. What was so terrible about it? What did you learn from it?

Question: I've been a voracious reader of BDSM and D/S erotic novels for years and am not sure if I enjoy it just as entertainment or because I feel like something might be missing from my life.  How do you know if you are a submissive, and if you think you might be, how do you learn about the lifestyle outside of internet/book research?  Thank you for your time.

Answer:

It's great that you've been drawn to BDSM and D/s themes in books! Many submissives first discover their interest through fiction, but real-life dynamics are quite different from what’s portrayed in erotic novels.

A good starting point is self-reflection. Ask yourself: Do you feel a deep satisfaction or fulfillment when imagining submission beyond just the fantasy? Do you crave structure, guidance, or yielding control in a way that feels natural and rewarding? Submissiveness isn't always just about what happens in the bedroom—it often ties into how you connect with power dynamics and relationships.

To explore beyond books and online research, consider these steps:

Journaling & Self-Reflection – Write about what aspects of submission intrigue you. Are they purely sexual, or do they extend to emotional and relational dynamics? Explore scenarios and themes from the books you like, what draws you to them, and how you think you would respond in a similar situation.

Local BDSM Community – If you're comfortable, look for local munches (casual social gatherings) where you can meet experienced people in a non-play setting. FetLife.com can help you find events.

Workshops & Classes – Some BDSM communities host educational events on negotiation, consent, and power exchange relationships.

Personal Exploration – You don’t need a partner to begin. Try submissive exercises like following structured routines, practicing obedience-based tasks, or exploring guided meditations on surrender. Submissive Guide has articles to help you develop a personal protocol, positive affirmations, and being a single submissive. 

Connecting with Mentors—Many submissives value talking to experienced individuals who can share insights and guidance. Our Discord server is a healthy, positive environment that is a great place to ask questions and get insights from people who’ve been where you are. 

The key is patience and personal exploration. There’s no rush to define yourself—let your journey unfold naturally. If you ever want deeper insight, communities like ours offer resources to help guide you! 

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How do you ask for forgiveness from your Dominant?