#stuff reea does

These past weeks were kind of hellish. I started that new job at the corporation, then another company called me for an interview - I gave it a go. I quit the corp job, after 5 weeks, and started with this new company.

I completed my two weeks training for the new company this Friday. I find it to be a way better fit for me.

Then there was my ex killing himself. Which fucked up my world. And it was terrible. But I think I accepted it now. I will always miss him, and it will always hurt, but I finally accepted that he will not be around anymore.

So life kept me pretty busy. But I will be back more.

I hope stuff in my life will get stabilized quicker, and everything will be back to normal.

I don’t know what I am feeling. I have no idea how I am supposed to feel about all of this. 

There was no ill will or shitty feelings between us. Everything was in order when we broke up. We talked about it, we made peace with it. He messaged me a few months ago, and I wrote about it here. I guess I was just slipping into nostalgia a bit, regarding him, but that was it. We talked like civilized people, made jokes, flirted a little bit. Everything seemed just fine. I never imagined that he would actually go ahead and kill himself. On top of that, he is the first person in my adult life, that has died. Other than my grandpa, when I was 3, I never had someone in my life that I care about, die. It’s so weird. 

When I got the FB message I started shaking, and that was it. Blank. Nothing else. No feelings of sadness, of despair, of loss, nothing. I just felt nothing. I didn’t cry, I just can’t cry. Not even now. I am probably still in shock, even though I talked about what happened to various people. I processed it by talking to a few people who know us both. By talking to my boyfriend, to my real life friends. And still, no tears. I talked to my boyfriend, who lost his father 6 years ago, and he said that it’s fine, I shouldn’t push myself to feel anything, to cry. But it just feels so weird to me to...not feel. 

It’s just so weird to me to feel this way. It’s pretty horrible. 

I know that he will be missed. I will probably miss him when I will think of him. I will for sure. He was a good person, he had many friends, and he was loved. So loved. I loved him desperately when we were together. I could have done anything he asked me to, I loved him that hard.

 That’s why this feels so weird. 

I miss my old job, my old coworkers, and I can't even believe it - I was so excited leaving it. But I wake up in the morning to go to the rich and shiny company I work for now, and wish I was going to work at my old job. Oh well.

My ex boss said that I am welcome to return to my old job any time. But I need more money, and he is not able to give it to me. So no. I will not return. That makes me so mad that I have to do something I don't like to be able to have money. I guess most people are in the same boat as me on this one.

My new coworkers are mostly ladies, which sucks, because you know, women can be petty, plus I always get along better with dudes. But we will see after I get to know them better, maybe they're nice. I really hope so anyway.

I have been attending trainings and courses and such, for work, and they make me just so tired. I don't know if I will be able to do the work that is required of me, but I will try once the trainings are over in another two weeks.

Being the new guy is pretty terrible.

I have been laying in bed all day with a huge hangover. I went to an event last night where a friend had a photo exhibition. It was great. The photos were wonderful. I smoked pot and drank all the beers. I really needed it.

Work was alright, I guess, considering I am still in training, and it's hard, and I have to learn a ton of new shit.

On the plus side, I decided to relax finally, and stop guessing how it will get in the future - good or bad - I'm just going with it. I suppose that is the best decision I have made this whole past week.