I have a question. As someone who has been living with a narcissistic parent for most of my life, I find it hard to get them to support me in anything I do. I understand that this is something that may not happen, so do you have any advice for me personally so I don't end up having an anxiety attack everytime I have a conversation with said parent about my career choice.
Here’s the thing: you’re probably not going to be able to get them to support you. You can’t make people have the reactions you want, and you DEFINITELY can’t get a narcissist to treat you right just by asking. I tried for years to get my narcissistic parent to approve of me, and it never really worked.
So the problem needs a reframe. Instead of getting the narcissistic parent to support you, you need to find a way to be okay with the fact that they’re not supporting you.
That’s hella difficult at first, especially if you’re young, still living with your parents, or still at least partially financially dependent on them. Nonetheless, it can be done, and it gets easier and easier as you get more and more physical and emotional distance from them. I definitely recommend working with a trauma therapist, and also looking for healthy friendships and getting your emotional support from them, instead.
Meanwhile, you need a whole new way to interact with your narcissistic parent, a technique that cuts down on the amount they’re able to hurt you. The best technique I’ve found is called Grey Rock. Basically, you don’t give the narcissist any information to work with. Does discussing your career with your parent lead to them triggering you? Discuss it with them as little as possible. Does sharing your feelings with your parent lead to them triggering you? Don’t share your feelings with them. Answer questions with as little information as possible, and as dispassionately as possible. Reduce eye contact and reduce time spent with them. Keep interactions as short as possible. And don’t TELL them you’re going to do these things; just do them. More info at the link. (There are lots of articles about this technique online!)
I’ve used this technique myself, both while living with my parents and now, while still in necessary contact with them, and I was surprised at how well it worked. My parents had conditioned me to bring everything that was troubling me to them, and I realized that and just... stopped doing it. I took my problems to my online friends or my therapist or took a deep breath and told myself I could handle it on my own, because my own judgment was perfectly fine: I didn’t need their approval. I stopped showing my mom my art projects. I stopped telling her about my day or asking her advice. I spent as much time in my room with the door shut as possible and stopped participating in most of the dinnertime conversation.
One key to this is that being a grey rock doesn’t mean being rude. You don’t want to antagonize them. That would also be giving them material to work with. So now that I’m living with friends and really only having contact with my parents through messenger, I try not to show how much I wish they would leave me alone. Example of a recent exchange with my mother:
Mom: Happy birthday, Sweetie! Treat yourself and the girls to some special takeout for dinner tonight and put it on the credit card. <3 I love you and I miss you like crazy!
Me: love you too! [I feel icky having to say that to my parents, but I look on it as a meaningless politeness phrase, which helps. Not saying it back would cause a kerfuffle, and that’s exactly what I’m trying to avoid, so I just say it when it’s conversationally necessary]
Mom: I wished I could have taken you along when I ordered my new glasses. I’m not good at picking frames. Tell me what you honestly think... and yes, they are purplish pinkish burgundy. [photo]
Me: i think they look ok
Mom: Different! They came with magnetic clip-on sunglasses.
Me: neat!
Mom: I didn’t really like my photo-greys. These were in my price range, so why not?
Me: yep
I keep it as brief and noncommittal as possible, no unnecessary information, no personal information about me, nothing she can really build a conversation on.
Another example is that my dad is always sending me cartoons he finds online. I have no interest in reading them, so usually I just send back “lol” and that’s that.
I’m sorry; I wish I could say, “You wave a magic wand and suddenly your parents are everything you ever needed them to be!” But having spent years looking for that wand in my own case, I’m afraid it isn’t there to be found. However, if you work on your own recovery and reorient yourself toward independence and healthy friendships for your emotional support, you can live a happy life without your parents’ support! It hurts at first, but it’s worth it in the end.
