#studyinasia

It's been quite a while now since I am here. And it still feels like a lot and surreal and sometimes it doesn't at all. Sometimes its normal, familiar, calm. I feel like I entered a new life and my old life is just a blurry memory. Though this life still feels very unsettled. Like I haven't really found my place here. Like my footing's still sloppy. Some days it hurts a lot. I think about that blurry before-life and my heart and mind are aching for it. For it to be my reality again. And then I feel guilty, for not trying hard enough with this life. Some days I feel grateful and blessed, others I feel haunted and bullied. It's all very confusing to me. Like my mind is spinning twenty four seven- forwards and backwards and three times around itself. It's weird- not having realised that this is my reality. It's just too surreal to grasp. The urge to go home sometimes all overwhelming, distracting me from what I have here. Still, some days I'm scared to go home. Who am I gonna be? How will I cope being thrown from one life to the other one? I'm scared of being sad and depressed. I'm scared of thinking I wasted time and didn't value this place enough.

This place- that weighs heavy on me. Some people here have hurt me a lot. Have made things more difficult for me and created turmoil in my soul. I'm so tired of being exhausted. I'm so tired of being surrounded by people that make my anxiety jump. I'm tired of being tired of it all.