#studfemme

I have shied away from being too much; too assertive, too loud, too energetic because it gave people ammunition to point and call me aggressive and liken me to the masculine (it was racist). I don't feel much connection to womanhood but feminiinity has always been important to me; it feels like regardless of what I do, people are vying to strip me of it. being black is definately part of that. I don't think standard femininity was ever truly going to work for me, I have to make it my own and forget everyone else. I want to be my loud, energetic self and live so fully that the microaggressions and stares can't reach me. I don't want to be afraid of wearing an 'ugly' outfit or of going outside out of fear of being offputting. depression has paralysed me for five years and that's too many. I've felt so uncomfortable in my own skin trying to be something that isn't me. I've found myself envious of those that construt what femininity is for themselves but even though I realised I am a lesbian some years ago, I would try and shove myself into the standard boxes instead of listening for where that envy stems from. I want to be bright and slutty and honestly a bit weird looking. I want to be annoying and brazen and maybe I do wanna feel comfortable being kinda aggressive sometimes. none of this should take from my femininity.

I am capable of protecting, I've done so many times. I'm the eldest of three so it's part of my hardware; I will always step in as it is my duty. I will put my fears aside in order to help (unless it's to do with spiders and the like). but I also, so desperately, want to be protected. I used to wish I had an older sibling and although I no longer feel that way, I still yearn for that completely safe feeling. like I can be wholly myself and not be judged or looked down on. I want a safe space like one that I know I can give. I am still building up my forever family and have only come across and gotten close to one person who is butch (I have been too scared of posting online to make many online friends, trying to remedy that). he and I are no longer close; the friendship was complicated but it taught me what I do and do not want. I watched him as he became more comfortable within himself and I'm not sure if there is much above how I felt seeing him shine in his masculinity. it's not as though he presented fem when we met, but it was both of our first years away from home for uni and over time I watched him make more and more changes to add to his own happiness. genuinely anyone who is against that is fundamentally wrong. masculinity does not belong to men alone. butchness is so beautiful, the most handsome people are butch. to know butches is a gift and I will forever protect butches, studs and the gender nonconforming.

if he were beside me I didn't really feel fear, he had protected me time and time again from the outside world and I truly hope he felt such safety from me. the end of our friendship hurt but the fact that I knew him at all means a whole lot to me. I don't believe friendship is ever wasted especially because people all have so much to give.

when it comes to attraction, though I've not yet dated, I know I love femmes but I feel that if soulmates are real, mine is butch. it feels so funny to say but it was revealed to me in a dream I had when I was first coming to terms with my queerness. my crushes have been on a variety of people, masc and fem, but I have felt a stronger pull towards masculinity. the dream was the kind that feels like it goes on forever, a summer at 'princess camp' (kinda cringe maybee but I was actually 15 soooo) supposed to teach us proper etiquette and all that stuff. this girl and I would run off and skip our classes to enjoy one another's company alone and do a bunch of nothing. it all ended with a ball where we were expected to dress traditionally and we instead stole a suit for her to wear. she looked so handsome in it and her black hair was spiralled and her eyes were so striking and we had the most fun out of everyone . I woke up convinced that was my soulmate who had projected herself into my dream simply so I could recognise her when I do one day meet her. it is to this day my favourite dream and I wish to feel such feelings of peace and safety and freedom in my reality.