Suddenly I realized I know why I am so strong and why I do CrossFit. Of course, it should be obvious - to be strong. The reality is - my whole life I had to defend myself from men that always looked at me as a sexual object and often tried to act on that in a merciless way. Living in Azerbaijan and being somewhat outsider, blonde Russian girl in a Muslim country where people often viewed Orthodox Russians as more loose and promiscuous. At an early age, I had to fight all the immoral men I encountered in my daily routine. I say immoral because the way they ever tried to approach a girl, drooling all over themselves, grabbing their balls and say disgusting things with their shitty little mouths. Azerbaijan was going through a war, so a lot of those immoral fucks came down from the mountains without any education social, sexual or academic. You quickly develop fear after a few encounters where you face some sort of danger. I would avoid walking by certain areas, running into certain people who sexually harassed me. I would avoid visiting my friends because i would have to pass that kiosk guy who never let me pass by without trying to trick me into coming into his shop. Jesus, I either had to learn how to fight or accept my fate and keep low, hiding in a terror to deal with some sort of sexual harassment. Fuck, my ass was squeezed in a packed bus before my boobs even grew. So I must’ve been twelve. Over the years I became braver, because of that never-ending fire in me. I was bold. I was even bolder and fiercer when someone else i care about would get hurt, like my sister. There are some stories for another night or two. Yet, I was still weak physically. Now I feel like I can kick some ass. And it makes me really happy. There are times when I think that I am glad I don’t know that feeling.
Another thought that relates to all of the above. I just feel as if all the crazy people have an affinity for me, all the mad eyes. Because my eyes are mad themselves, sometimes I feel like they see me and they see that I see them. A little bit earlier today I was riding my bike. It was getting darker. I was riding by this black forty-something man who was walking somewhat fast (maybe on meth) and when I was about to pass him, our eyes met. I saw those eyes. Those were the eyes that intuitively reminded me about a few years ago when I got jumped by someone who tried to hurt me but who I hurt instead. Well, I defended myself. Anyway, my heartbeat increased and in my head, I started to develop a plan what would I do if he will try to attack me even if I am on my bike. I tried to shake it off telling myself that I am being racist, biased, I associate situation with the past and exaggerating the situation. Yet, when I rode the bike after I made a loop, I saw his silhouette ahead, walking towards me. I clearly saw him spotting me, shining with a big smile and the mad eyes, and then he looked around his surroundings, including behind him for a prolonged time, as if he was evaluating his chances. I switched my gears to avoid this type of collision. And with shaking hands and trembling heart, I rode by, while he applauded to me loudly. I should learn to fucking trust my intuition. I know my intuition is sharp. I sense that energy because I’ve been around it before. Many many many times.
That situation brought another vivid realization that even though being beautiful seems like a gift from God. Being beautiful often means that your own gift can be used against you as a weapon. I certainly know what it feels to feel like a victim when you are in a crowd of hungry men.
At the end of the day though, I don’t want to scream and yell and blame. I understand that we are fucking animals and that my morals and your morals are different. All I am grateful for is for being able to identify the states of alertness and I hope to continue improving my emotional and spiritual intelligence.
Because I want to believe in the humanity. Until I better myself and polish my acts, no one is going to get better. No matter how much we point fingers at each other. I will fucking kill anyone who would touch my women though!
