a concept I keep rotating in my mind is jannik having lived all this time thinking he was just a straight guy with low libido and not much interest in sex. like, he'd sleep with girls from time to time, but it wasn't something he couldn't live without. sex would just be... an okay experience. he thought guys were exaggerating and dramatizing how amazing it felt, how much they wanted it all the damn time. he'd felt self-conscious at times — different. he'd see people talk about having sex with their partners every day and think "hmm that's weird. once a week is more than enough, no?"
and then he meets carlos. and then he develops the most life-consuming crush on him. and he can't stop thinking about it — sleeping with him. kissing him. touching him. being touched by him. images and scenarios whirl through his mind, all the time. he's mortified by them. any detail about carlos sets him off — the curve of his neck, his happy trail, the insides of his thighs, his hands, the way he moves. he watches carlos play tennis, sweaty and tired, and he gets hot all over thinking about everything he'd do to him. his own fantasies shock him.
and they impact his day-to-day: he zones out during breakfast and his coffee goes cold, he's distracted at practice and keeps fumbling shots, he dreads showering because he knows what ends up happening. plus, he has to bite his tongue every time he wants to bring up carlos in random conversations because everything reminds him of him. he's overwhelmed by his desires, and appalled.
he's methodical in his approach. mentally schedules timeslots to masturbate daily — get it out of his system. he tells himself he's allowed to think about carlos during those times, but not outside of them. keep it contained, organized, under control. his system fails catastrophically.
and when he and carlos finally get together, he's still a mess. before all of this, he thought he didn't care about sex, he thought he had no libido. now he can't keep his hands off carlos. he actually feels so embarrassed by how needy and obsessed he is with him. he feels like a pathetic hormonal teenager — hell, he even comes too fast, when that had never been an issue before in his life. he came in his pants the first time they made out, grinding against carlos' thigh, and he wanted to jump out of a window.
of course carlos doesn't find any of this embarrassing because he's equally obsessed with jannik and he wants to eat him alive 👍🏻
