#streamingofconsciousness

Yesterday, one of my coworkers looked at me weirdly... Like in an inappropriate way... I don't know why. It was so out of the norm.. it felt sexually charged and angry at the same time... I don't know... He is one of the newer drivers, he is around my age, and we kinda have some chemistry if I think about it...I'm not interested in a romantic relationship with them though... I think because I'm naturally just nice and caring about people he might have read to much into something... I need to watch myself because it's landed me in some painful places in the past... But, the look he gave me sent me into a very mild anxiety attack. I mostly just stopped interacting with everyone and just did my job and avoided him for a little bit.. it wasn't him that got me that way though... It was the thought that there have been some signs... Not concrete ones... Definitely signs that could be chalked up to delusion.... But signs nonetheless that maaaybe my DJ might be into me?.... I... i don't know ... Delusions have gotten me into some pretty painful spots too... But turns out I really really like him... And I want to wait and see what happens to be sure, because from what I can tell, having hung out with him for two years in his TikTok lives, he's definitely the kind, corny, smart, nerdy, family oriented, doesn't really take bullshit, healthy, driven kind of person that is most definitely my type... He's hot as fuck too... Those things are just the tips of the iceberg.. Anyone would be lucky to marry him... I like to pretend we flirt indirectly... But once again, this could all be my personal delusion due to my solitude so... But... If it's not... What am I supposed to do if someone asks me out? My heart is saying "lol nope byyyye" but my head is saying "I mean, if you're kinda attracted to them... You want babies, and you're not getting any younger... aaand the person I like doesn't speak to me personally or even really directly... Mmmm no... I mean .... Mmm but no they aren't him"