#stillthereforher

Rob: Right.. Right..

Except not. So yesterday I was about to post this really long thing about the girl I was (yes was) in that pseudo-relationship with and a bunch of the shit surrounding it that was unrelentingly and so fucking slowly digging into my chest. Well my laptop decided to fuck up the page, and the rant I had typed up over an hour or so, was lost. So being all pissed off I didn't even attempt to re-do it, because I was just speaking from the heart, so it would have been impossible to rewrite it properly. This all sounds stupid I know, and it is. I mean like we weren't even together really, it's just she still thinks we'll be friends just like it was before we started being "weird". We decided to call it being "weird" because we weren't friends with benefits since we weren't having sex, but there was still a physical side to it. In fact, I think it was only ever supposed to be physical, except she would say things like she wanted to love me, but then she wouldn't want a relationship. She offered to stop being weird the day we started really, and I said no because I had been told she wasn't interested in a relationship, but I wanted her back so badly I knew this would be the closest thing to her loving me again that I would ever have...and she says she doesn't believe in love so when me and her had been together for a year and a half, she didn't actually love me.. yup fun. Well Thursday night I ask her if she wants us to not be weird anymore, because I had sorta upset her by talking about some stuff that was important to me, she said yes, but every other time that she wanted to end whatever it was that we were, she had told me of was because it was hurting me. Yeah of course it did, I would laugh it off sometimes or just man up and admit it did (it felt like someone was taking a giant pneumatic drill and ramming it into my heart [creative no?] ) but i would tell her since it was the closest I would ever get to having her it was worth it. This time she told me that she felt terrible whenever we did something, all I could say was i was so fucking sorry for hurting her. She told me it wasnt my fault, it was hers, but really I should never have kissed her the day she came to me and started to cry... I don't deserve her anyways, but I miss her so much, and... fuck I just wish she still had feelings for me. Whatever though, I just have to deal with it, I told her I would always be there for her, no matter what and i meant it.