Let me get something out of the way: No judgement here if you have to take life day by day. As someone who has both anxiety and depression, sometimes I appear to do the most, other times the bare minimum. These two conditions have been around most of my adult life, and likely kept me company as a child. I could blame my surroundings and circumstances (for instance, grad school is one hell of an experience), but let's keep it simple no matter the reason: my brain is just messed up.
Despite this fact (because it is fact), I try my best to "hang in there, kitty". But let me tell you, it has been a struggle. Sometimes I felt I "just couldn't" and wanted to quit school, my career, and my life. But Love, friends, family sought me through.
Back to the day-by-day thing, Iâm trying to reconcile how I have actually found success in my career. How, for example, have I been able to do so while struggling with depression these last 2 years? I've lost most of my day-to-day motivation and barely make it out of bed. But then a deadline approaches and my anxiety shines. My stress levels soar, Iâm unable to rest, and I rise to the occasion. This crisis mode has kept me somewhat productive. It's honestly amazing and allows me to be [moderately] high functioning. But itâs not a long-term solution. Rather, itâs completely exhausting and I hide my truth: something is wrong. Cue Imposter Syndrome.
But I am no imposter. This is another my truth: Whatever I go through internally or externally, my best is my best. Some days are harder than others, but I am me every step of this journey. I am me and I am DOPE.
And people have helped me along the way. They have shared their knowledge, skills, feedback, and career advice. They have picked up the slack, when I could not pull my own weight. I try to do the same. But the best help I've ever been given at any point in time has been from someone simply being in my corner, really seeing and believing in me. Case in point: I had a fantastic mentor in college that I never wanted to disappoint. He didnât just help me through my shortcomings, he helped me see my strengths. Since we had this relationship, I tried (really tried) to do my best for every offered opportunity. Having this support helped me in more ways than one.
Now let's talk about something else: I'm trying to get to a place where I never want to disappoint God. God has been in my corner this whole time. <insert âyouâre the real MVPâ meme here>
God, life is hard and sometimes I feel like I am barely getting by. But thank You for always being in my corner. You've consistently given me support, direction, and encouragement. You've opened doors unimaginable --- even if sometimes You've had to push me through them.
Lord, right now I need you to forgive me for my shortcomings... and Lord please help me to forgive myself. Help me to be confident that my best (whatever that may be) is all that You need. Remind me that You have a plan, and I am a part of it. Elevate my mind higher and help me to see and appreciate Your bigger picture. May I live according to Your love and faithfulness.
In Jesusâs name, I pray. Amen.
