#stigmastomper

Bouncing back is hard.

Whether it's from an injury or illness, a planned surgery, grief, unexpected criticism, or a moment of failure or defeat, bouncing back is hard. And what makes it harder is we're just expected to. We live in an economy that views "self-care" as a waste of time when time is money. We live in a society where if you let yourself stay down for too long something must be wrong with you and you should get that checked. They make pills for that, you know? We live in a world of "Go! Go! Go!" where the need for rest is seen as a weakness.

We've created resources, like therapy and "the pills for that," but then people are looked down on for turning to them during their times of need (kudos to all of the Stigma Stompers out there who are fighting to make mental health and wellness a normal thing!). We're blamed for lacking the resilience to bounce back. No matter where you turn you're in a Catch-22: Put on the mask, be the rock, and suck it up, Buttercup, because no one's coming to save you. While knowing that if you just had the time and an outside party to share your burden with and help make more sense of why you have to carry this burden you could move forward genuinely, without the mask.

Don't let the Catch-22 stop you from seeking the help you need. You and the life you are forging are ALWAYS worth it.

I'm in a bounce-back period and it's honestly been a lot harder to bounce back from than previous hits. I pride myself on being a girl who can "fail forward" but this particular instance of defeat has left me feeling unwanted, unappreciated, and unsure of what my "next five years" actually looks like. I had a vision of what I wanted my future to be and after YEARS of investing myself towards it, I was given a very clear "you're not welcome here".

It's frustrating to get criticisms from someone who doesn't necessarily exhibit the qualities they're criticizing you for not having. It's frustrating to watch someone advance over you because they were given a chance to "get in" with the right people, when you were expected to make that chance for yourself. It's frustrating to be told your skills aren't good enough, and then watch the person who was determined to be better than you flounder in a skillset you excel in. It's frustrating to constantly be told you'll never be better than your imperfections, and then watch people with the same imperfections as you be given opportunities you were denied for exhibiting the exact same set of flaws.

But you can't let your frustrations stop you from fighting.

And trust me, I know that fight is hard. I feel like my whole life has been a giant fight. Fighting to prove to my peers I was worthy of their acceptance growing up. Fighting to prove to employers I work hard enough to deserve to be paid enough to be able to afford to actually live. Fighting to prove to subjective standards that I'm professional enough. Fighting to prove to men that I'm worthy of their love. Fighting to prove to myself that I'm worthy of being successful and deserve to have good things in my life.

I'm so tired of fighting. I'm so tired of fighting that my body got the sickest it's been in two years to force me to rest. And, I'm not going to lie, most of these past few days I've just felt guilty that I'm not doing more in spite of the fact I know I physically am not capable of it. Even though I 100% deserve the time and chance to rest. Not to mention the mountain of correspondence I'll have to fight through when I go back. The fight literally never ends.

I think part of the problem I'm facing is I don't know how to keep fighting when I don't know what I'm fighting for. And whether it takes time in therapy, or more time for introspection and reflection, every moment I spend working for myself and my mental health, helping myself re-find the answer to that question, is worth it.