#step9

I’ve been working on step 9 (amends) for several months now. I’ve been held up by three that I need to make, one of which is to myself.

The reason I’ve been held up by this is because I realized that many of the things I’d be making my amends for I was still doing to myself. And that the crux of step 9 after all.

It isn’t enough to simply say “I’m sorry” for behavior (or a lack of action)... you then have to do the most important next step—stop DOING the behavior!

And I just wasn’t there yet. I knew that I could say sorry, but i wasn’t in a place mentally, emotionally, or spiritually to STOP the behavior.

When I finally mustered the courage and humility to write my amends to myself and send to my sponsor, I was shocked at what I realized.

Many of the things I have held resentment over I actually played a large part in. It’s not that the person who did those things gets a pass... it’s that I allowed it much of the time. I either led them to believe they COULD do those things or didn’t stop them when they happened.

And in realizing that, I felt suddenly freed and cleansed. If allowed it in the past (both long ago and recent past), then I could NOT allow it in the future. I can have a say.

It reminded me of something I recently posted to IG... what you allow is what will continue. And I realized that I have allowed an awful lot of crap in my life... so I shouldn’t be surprised that it continued.

Given this, my living amends, the amends that happens now that I’ve said my “I’m sorry” to myself is that I vow to no longer allow those behaviors that have harmed me in the past, be it behaviors of others or those I do to myself.

While I won’t share my entire amends list, there are several that I think others can benefit from... and ones that I need to see daily (if not hourly) to remind myself of my vow.

Dear Kimberly...

I’m sorry that I allowed you to believe that what you looked like was your largest currency—the idea that your weight, your appearance was what determined your worth.

I’m sorry that I allowed you to think that you had to be a super achiever to be loved, noticed, wanted. I’m sorry that, no matter how much you did and how much you achieved, you never thought it was enough.

I’m sorry that I allowed you to give your body away to boys and men just so you could feel wanted and loved, only to have you end up confused, feeling dirty and often used.

I’m sorry I allowed you to deal with emotional traumas and hurts with truly destructive coping mechanisms, including promiscuity, alcohol, and excess food.

I’m sorry I taught you to never ask for help because you never trusted you’d get it.

I’m sorry I allowed you to second guess your feelings, your intuition, your “gut”, and your heart.

I’m sorry I allowed you to believe that anger and fear and sadness were emotions that were unhealthy and not allowed and something to hide, ignore, rationalize, or simply sweep under the rug, as if they’d magically go away.

I’m sorry you always thought you had to put others’ needs before your own.

I’m sorry I allowed you to treat your body like it somehow didn’t belong to you… I allowed you to do it with food, with purging, with self-mutilation, and with men. I’m sorry I didn’t make you see that your body is, truly, a temple and that you can treat it as such… that it is your right and your goal to treat it gently and lovingly, and that anyone you grant access to it should also treat it that way.

I’m sorry I allowed you (and even lead you) to believe that, when it came to romantic relationships, that you weren’t good enough for good people. That I led you to be attracted to the men who would hurt you. Instead, I allowed you to believe that that WAS what you deserved. You didn’t.

I’m sorry I never helped you know, deep in your marrow, that YOU are the whole package and to hold yourself and conduct yourself and respect yourself in a way that showed you knew that about yourself.

I’m sorry I allowed men to push you, violently threaten you, disrespect you, mentally and emotionally abuse you, to place their hands on your face and throat, to drug you, to assault you… and mostly that I allowed you to accept it by staying in those relationships instead of leaving.

I’m sorry I never taught you healthy coping mechanisms… ways to feel the feelings and to learn to work through them, rather than around them or not at all. I’m sorry you felt you had to numb out the pain rather than deal with it.

I’m sure there are many, many other specific things, but at the heart of all of them, it boils down to my deep sorrow and regret for not showing you (teaching you… allowing you) to love yourself… to respect yourself… to know your worth.