#step dude

1.  That's a part of the deal.

So we can stop feeling bad now. _____

2.  That's one of the reasons I've been so reluctant to get involved,

or to really try to pull anything out of the child of someone I'm dating,

or in a relationship with,

or engaged to,

or married to. _____

3.  I'm worried I'm going to screw up. _____

4.  And that's what I'm realizing, 

as I grow and push forward:

I am. 

I am going to screw up. _____

5.  That's a big part of being in a "parents" role:

You have to deal with the reality that you get it wrong all.  the time.

I think coming in, 

I thought I had to be perfect.

I thought I had to know what to say, every time.

I thought the reason I didn't was because I'd 

never been a parent before. _____

6.  And also:

I'm allowed to be honest.

This is one of the perks that maybe a biological parent doesn't have.

Or maybe it's just because the kid I'm talking about is a teenager now,

and a little more able to handle the complexity of non-traditional relationships.

But I doubt it.  I think kids understand more than most people give them credit for.  

Or maybe not.  Maybe being honest with a kid will lead to some of my biggest mistakes.

I don't know.  

But at some point,

it's time to jump in the pool. _____

I play in a basketball league in Brooklyn.  

There's a little kid -- maybe 4 years old -- who is the step-son of one of the players on my team.  

While I was warming up last week, he told me about how my teammate was going out with his mom.  And I told him that 

the girl I'm going out with his has a child, too.  But mine is a girl.

"So you're a step-dad, too?"

_____

And that's the thing.  On some level, if you're dating someone with a kid, then yes.

Yes, you are a step-father.

_____

Yes.  Yes, I am a step-father.

The next question is:  

What does that mean?

_____

It means as many different things -- the term "step-father" has as many different definitions --

as there are single mothers.

So don't feel like you have some sort of "quota" to fulfill, as far as meaningful moments, or heart-to-heart talks.

Just communicate with the mother.  

And be honest with yourself.  

Nothing is required of you that you aren't ready to do.

That mother, and that family, has survived without you, before now.

So get it out of your head that you have to be some sort of savior.

That's only in your head.  

_____

But also, keep in mind:

I have no idea what I'm talking about.

So really, you should listen to your partner.  And also, don't be afraid to be honest with him or her.  You don't owe any other human being anything, except your honesty.

_____

Rule 2:  Communicate with the parent.  

And be completely honest about what you're comfortable with.  And what you're not.

_____