penned by m & c

Found you when your heart was broke

Fear is a frequent feeling that Stan knows well. It’s more of his friend than his enemy at this point in his life. What he was scared of was the factor that was ever changing. Scared of his father, scared of himself and always scared of what he loved or whom he loved.

I said I’d catch if you fall

The thing that not a lot of people knew was Stanley was prone to panic attacks. The losers knew and his mom knew. Each of them had helped Stan ground himself during them. Bill had been the best of all. Giving Stan a safe space and always helping to dry his eyes when he was done. Telling him that he was so important to him and how he was important to the losers. Right now was one of the only times that Stan didn’t want Bill to be there. He couldn’t know what was eating him alive. “Bill could never know,” thought Stan. Clad in a pair of charcoal grey sweat pants and maroon sweater, Stan curled himself around a pillow. His curtains were drawn drowning his room in darkness. As tears rolled down Stan’s tan skin, he started to lightly singing under his breath. With each lyric spilling from Stan, his breathing hitched on each word that he sang. His body shaking with each labored breath.

Thinking you could live without me

Unbeknownst to Stan, Mrs. Uris let Bill inside and asked Bill to tell Stan that dinner was going to be soon and telling Bill he could stay for dinner if he liked. Giving a gentle pat on the back, Andrea shooed Bill out of the doorway and up towards her son.

Thinking you could live without me

Bill climbed the stairs towards the pine door that sealed Stan’s room, only to be met by a soft voice and a few sniffles. Quietly pressing forward to only hear Stan actually singing. Bill knew Stan could sing but he’d never actually heard him. Turning the golden door knob, Bill slid into Stan’s well organized room. Looking over to wooden sled bed, scanning the forest green sheets to see Stan laying towards the wall. Ever so slightly was Stan’s shoulders shaking with each sniffle released. Walking over to the bed, he toed off his loosely tied converse. Bill sat with one foot underneath him and touched Stan’s leg. Stan rolled over, thinking maybe it was his mom. His brown eyes widening to see Bill sitting at the end of his bed. Bill’s smile flattened as his face contorted into a worried look. Taking in the sight of his red eyed crush, laying there looking so vulnerable and so small. Bill instantly moved to lay down next Stan only holding his arms out for the boy to move into. Hesitantly moving forward towards Bill, Stan started sobbing into Bill’s grey t-shirt. Wrapping his arms around Stan, Bill began to start forming words into questions.

“What happened, Stan?” murmured Bill. Stan started to only cry harder.

Trying to grasp for words only to reach for, “Why are you even here, why do even care Billy?” Stan’s voice cracked at the inflection of his tone.

Taken back by the questions, Bill said the only words that came to mind, “Because I lo-love y-you...” Stan curled into himself even more.

“What could you possibly love about me Bill? You are so amazing. You are so funny especially when you don’t mean to be. You care so wholeheartedly about everyone you meet. You are so brave despite being afraid. You are such a bright spot in everyone’s life.” Stan sobbed into Bill’s shirt and gasped for air. “AND...and no matter how much I try to forget I like you in every conceivable way... Every damn time you always do something to make me fall for you a little harder and it hurts me even more than the last reason...” Bill looking a bit shell shocked, started to moving his mouth willing words to come out.

“S-s-s-stan...”

“No, no, no, no, please Billy, no. I can’t handle if you reject me. Just..just please forget I said anything.” Stan emphasized each “please” as if he was going to break.

Eyes becoming glassy Bill gently pulled himself back from Stan, “S-stan look at me.” Stan scooted backwards looking anywhere but Bill. “Please. For me?” This drew Stan to look at him. Hurt swimming in Stan’s eyes, his facial expression looking like he was ready to die at any moment.

Bill just smiled and took a deep breath, “You realize I’ve been dropping hints for the longest time, Stan the Man? For being so observant, you really are so blind.......” Bill grinned yet again, “What’s there not to love? You are so intelligent, that sometimes I feel like the biggest idiot in the room. When you smile, I have stop myself from wanting to kiss you. There is so much I like...” Brown eyes stared back at Bill in awe.

“I must be dreaming... I’ve finally lost it..”

“ ‘Fraid not.”

It should have been a normal school day. The keyword “should.” It was the middle of August marking the beginning of their freshman year of high school. Stanley Uris was wearing his usual khakis but his usual polo was replaced with a pastel, striped shirt tucked into his pants. Ever since the year they defeated Pennywise, the Losers’ styles had changed and they started to grow into themselves. Richie was still the same Hawaiian shirt clad fool only he had a bit more confidence, Eddie’s hair had grown out; his own personal sign of rebellion against his mother, Bev’s chopped hair started to grown down toward her shoulders, Ben was shedding his baby fat, Mike had started to attend school with the losers and Billy just began to fill out. Each Loser gained more confidence and they kept growing. As Stan had grown up, he never really paid attention to the girls. The more he thought about it the more he realized he didn’t really find anyone who caught his eye. Sure Beverly was very pretty. But he found himself staring at Richie. As much as Richie bugged him to hell and back, he couldn’t deny his best friend was handsome. His high cheekbones and somewhat lean muscle were some of the first things Stan had noticed about Richie. These thoughts are what led Stan to his current position.

The beginning of their 2nd period, gym had just begun. The thing to remember about Stanley and Richie is they were usually horsing around while changing, but mostly Richie messing with Stan and Stan half heartedly complaining. Already changed into their gym uniform, Stan sat patiently waiting for Richie. Drifting in and out of reality or just plain zoning out for lack of better terms. While scanning across the walls and locker doors, Stan’s eyes started to wonder toward the local Trashmouth. Entranced, Stan really couldn’t look away. It was weird for him to openly admit Richie was attractive. Only in his mind would he ever admit that Richie held some weird charm but he’d never date Richie honestly. Richie was annoying for Christ’s sake, Stan tried to reason. He could admire but he wasn’t romantically interested in Richie. “Oh hell no” he scoffed causing him to roll his eyes out of sheer habit.

“What the actually fuck, Staniel?” This sudden exclamation caused Stan to jump and then freeze in his spot.

“Um...uh... don’t worry about Rich...” prompting Stan to stand in one fluid motion and dart out of the locker room. Leaving one confused Richie Tozier in his wake.

After finally changing again, Richie and himself slowly walked down the hallway. A few minutes of walking and Richie decided he break the silence.

“Soooooo... wanna tell me why you rolled your eyes at me even though I was just getting dressed?” Richie, of course broached the topic with caution, because Stan would often act like a deer in the headlights and run when anxious about a subject. Stan abruptly stopped walking and his expression shifted to one of mortification.

Sputtering Stan composed himself to reply in a cold tone, “I honestly have no idea what you are talking about Richie. I have class in ten minutes. Bye.” Spinning on his heel and heading for the stairway leaving a confused Richie just standing there.

“But you have lunch with us!” Richie was met only with sound of the footsteps booking it up the stairs.