#stefko

Our new home (:

I’ve been wanting to move out of my mom’s house since I was 21, but I was stuck in a violent comfort zone. I’m not sure how to put it, but I had to endure bad treatments in exchange of housing (this might be badly expressed, but spare me, English is not my first language). It was “comfortable”, I didn’t have to pay rent, there was always food in the fridge and from time to time I would be “rewarded” and get clothes or other stuff I would ask for.

I still have to endure with my mom not being able to show affection in the way I would want her to and having to hear every other day how stupid and useless I am, and even though I will never get used to this, fortunately, I now have the tools, so to say, to defend myself. Though it still affects me.

Money isn’t a manipulation tool any longer. I don’t earn much but I can treat myself and I can pay a rent now.

I haven’t had the best months of my life, though sometimes some events and days stand out, like finally getting my first bicycle back in September (and then crashing it and getting a huge bruise on my knee that still hurts to this day), having breakfast with the man I’m still in love with (that’s another topic), shooting some concerts, meeting friends, eating delicious meals and I’m sure there must be something else that slips my mind right now.

I’m sad and I’m tired of being sad, of crying about everything, I’m tired of grieving, I find it frustrating that the things that make me feel good or happy doesn’t last, they never do. I think maybe that’s why I want everything right now, because I know they won’t last long and because humans’ lives are so fragile. 

So the other day I went to see my first apartment, I didn’t think it was a huge deal until my therapist said it actually was. I was pretty nervous because my friend didn’t arrive on time and I was alone with the man in charge of showing it to me. I thought, what if he locks the door and does something to me? It’s tiring to be scared all the time of what men might do. 

I had no idea what to ask, what to check for, I just saw this awful red carpet along the whole apartment, a super dirty old bathroom and 2 spacious rooms with great natural light. I wasn’t convinced and thought that maybe I could get something a little bit cheaper so I wouldn’t have to struggle every month.

Friends have told me to check out a roomie app to move, but I really don’t want to arrive to a place that’s not mine, as in, a place where rules have already been established, spaces and times, and being the super awkward person that I am, people would get pissed at me for not saying hi or whatever. I want a place where I can start from scratch, where I can decide where things would go, which room would be mine (obviously the one with the best light!), the colour of the furniture and the amount of plants.

I can make my own -traditions- in my new place, invite friends, arrive late, because it will be mine. And I need that so bad, a place of my own.

I also thought, I’m gonna need a bigger bed, in case I want to invite someone over. I daydream about that often, sleeping with someone I love and waking up with him by my side, having breakfast and then go for a bike ride or just take a walk, I don’t know. I wanted that with the aforementioned man, but it wasn’t possible. Although I’m hopeful one day I can meet someone who will stay, and if my bed it’s still small by then, then we’ll squeeze into this space and feel each other nearer.

Here we are, again. One week later and no longer together. The turns that life gives.

He said being angry doesn’t define him but that he gets angry at me quite often. I thought he was feeling attacked with every little thing I said to him as a joke. He accumulated this because, he said, he wanted to try to be with me. Wait, what?

Instead of working together on our defects, on those attitudes he says he doesn’t like about me, he decided to jugde me and use them against me. Not cool, man. I thought he was being supportive but it was a lie. Lies hurt.

I’m heart broken. I’m thinking over and over and having a hard time falling asleep. Why am I the one that has to go through this while the other isn’t bothered with what happened. So easy to say, I don’t want to be with you and fall asleep afterwards. His mind is clear, he has ridden himself off the burden. I’m still here with my thoughts.

It hurts to love someone completely and that the other one doesn’t feel the same about you. I’ve got so much love to give, I’m ready to share it, to feel it all, but to someone that appreciates and takes care of my love and me, not someone who’ll dispose of it just like that.

If the universe gave us another chance maybe it was to realize that we cannot be together. Things didn’t work out again. Because of me? Because of him? It’s a two person thing, relationships.

Maybe it was indeed too fast, everything that happened between us, and we didn’t know how to react, how to behave, how to get used to each other.

Knowing all of this now, I’ll do it all again. Because it’s amazing to be able to feel. I felt loved, I felt love, but, unfortunately, it didn’t last long. We both made mistakes and now we have to learn from them to avoid repeating them.

I’ll do it all over again and change my ways, but if he doesn’t want to change his, then why even try?

I’ll use my time wisely, I’ll go to therapy to work on being a better and healthier person so it can help me do what I’ve been wanting to do for a long time. I wanna get rid of this tiredness that consumes my time and my life.

I’m not sorry we met, I’m not sorry we went through all of this, good and bad. It was sudden, it was fast, it was nice and it was ugly.

I’m sorry he couldn’t see the greatness in me.

We all know by now that my time management sucks but all in all, this week I managed to do a rough version of my business cards and prepare an interview I’ll be conducting on Sunday, for which I took “work time” to do it, and to be fair, what is better than making use of your time for something exciting and you’re so passionate about? Besides, work hasn’t given me that sort of excitement and I feel a bit angry at the fact that this week I only went to give out tickets AND that I also have to do it on the weekend, oh and that they haven’t payed me.

I’d like to do more exciting things like this in the future, take photos and interview people I admire, get closer to understand how their musical minds work and of course, get a little money from that because I bet it’s a wonderful feeling to get payed for something you absolutely love.

After some bad news, this bit of light that I managed, in a way, to produce has kept me going, since I was the one with the initiative to pitch the interview and sending emails so I could get it. It was really nice how things flowed. Back in March I told a friend that it was lovely to see Nicolá Cruz’s set at Vive Latino and that I wished I could take photos of his pretty face, he said to me, why don’t you just interview him? AS SIMPLE AS THAT! So I sent some e-mails, did it by myself (just like Nardwuar said at his TED talk) and I got it. It might sound easy, maybe it was, but two other interviews back me up and they must have liked them or they would’ve said no.

We rearrange our lives every minute. If the street is blocked then we walk the other way, if we don’t get to the 7pm movie then we see the one at 7:45. Just vague examples on how we shift our plans. But what happens with the big ones that are not as easy to shift, big plans that we have worked hard for them to happen and they just don’t happen? You get sad for a while, be all negative about the rest of your life and then clear your head and think of ways to turn the situation around. Friends told me that things happen for a reason, that better things will come but that just makes me feel as if someone else is in charge of my future and I’m not happy with that. I used to think, what is better than going to another country where you felt comfortable enough to live in, meet again the friends that make you so happy and study something you’re passionate about? Absolutely nothing!

It took me time to realize that other good things can happen, maybe this interview can help me achieve other stuff, or maybe not, but for now is making me super happy (and super nervous) to know I’m able to do it. Sometimes I can be super positive but am careful with that because I’m always aware situations can have a negative outcome. My first and second plans might have not turned out for me, but along the way I have found a third one, one that has always been there but that requires more dedication than I thought.

When I arrived I wanted to look like those people that arrive later than their friends and look for them at the various stages, but that didn’t work, of course. I saw a bit of Centavrvs, a Mexican band, but got a bit bored so just went to next stage to wait for Nicola Cruz. I was ready to dance but I got a bit shy although normally I really don’t care. I didn’t feel comfortable and all the smoke was irritating my eyes/contact lenses. Nicola was great though, and he’s so handsome that I was fantasizing with his pretty face.

Then I went on to see Morrissey but he bored me a bit since it was the same thing as his last year concert, so I just went to wait to see Noel Gallagher for the first time in my life. I liked Oasis as a kid but Blur got me at the very first second I listened to them. He was great, I was so happy during the whole set that I couldn’t stop smiling and dancing and jumping, even if I didn’t know the lyrics to his songs. I also remembered a friend from Sao Paulo that is a massive Noel’s fan and sent him little videos and audios hoping I’d cheer him up. And then I realized I was so comfortable being by myself at that precise moment, I was happy being just with myself in a huge festival filled with loads of people and it was amazing.

Then it was Kali Uchis turn and Little Dragon and I kept dancing so much and being so happy. I was surprised at myself, really, not feeling sorry for not having friends that like the same bands to go to concerts or festivals with.

On Sunday I finally saw Gorillaz, something I had waited for 16-17 years and damn I was not disappointed at all. I got worried because a kid was on one of his parent’s back and he blocked all my view so I moved around and people just behaved like total dicks pushing me and being so nasty at me. I’m small, man, if I stand in front of you, you’ll still be able to see. In the end I could see Damon and smiled like a child, sang, jumped, screamed. That day I went with my mom and she was as happy as me, I could see it in her face.

It was a great weekend and I truly hope I won’t forget what I felt. I’m ok with being alone and hanging out with myself but that doesn’t mean I wanna do it all the time. I’d like to share things with someone else, I know I have my friends but I can’t kiss my friends, so. I want a partner, emphasis on the want because it’s totally different than the need. I made the decision to want somebody else. Does it make sense? 

Although I spent a lot of time being sad, probably depressed, and I sorta lost the only job I’ve truly liked (one of the bosses told me I was going to work freelance for them but never called me), hated the job that came after (mainly because of a couple of nasty people) and have no job to start on January, I can say I had a good year. I feel like I’ve grown a lot and that’s exciting, in spite of not having my own place and some small crisis every now and then, I’ve learned some things along the way. When I came back from California and after being kinda infatuated with Los Angeles, I thought I should start doing things to get “out there”, to show my work and given the chance, maybe live and work there for a season or two. Started planning, thinking about people to ask to help me out, because I’m done with my shyness and awkwardness that doesn’t let me do a lot of things. I also decided to stop being sad and stop laying on my bed not doing things that could help me improve myself, to stop not doing what I’m passionate about. 

Of course it’s not that easy but I haven’t felt bad since October, I’m taking my vitamins, trying to eat better (sweet stuff always tempt me so I’m sorry to myself because chocolate and desserts are my weakness), still can’t get a good sleep routine but I’m working on that, I’m getting out of my comfort zone as much as I can -which is so hard because my anxiety is sky rocketed only to later realize nothing bad wouldn’t and didn’t happen. These are just a few things but I’m working on myself and it feels good. There is still a long way to go but I’m proud that I’m trying to get better, and when I get the chance I’d like to go back to therapy.

I met wonderful people this year, I had fantastic experiences with old and new friends and even if sometimes I cannot stand people, I always look forward to getting to know kind and interesting fellas.

It is tradition here, or at least in my family, that on NYE you write down 12 wishes or resolutions and with every bell chime you think about that wish and eat a grape. I named my list: 2017, the year of getting shit DONE, I did get some shit done and I’m glad about that and I hope next year I get more shit done and stop hesitating that much. I know I’m capable, I just have to trust myself.

Sting played the big room yesterday, at Auditorio Nacional, while Lucy played the small room, Lunario. She found out about this and messaged Joe cause they are friends from a long time ago. So they went to see him open for his dad and then he ended up drinking a couple of beers with all of us.