Our new home (:
With a patio!!

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Our new home (:
With a patio!!

Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
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I wanna see this face smile for years and years.
For a while now, Iāve been having this feeling of making my own home.
Iāve been wanting to move out of my momās house since I was 21, but I was stuck in a violent comfort zone. Iām not sure how to put it, but I had to endure bad treatments in exchange of housing (this might be badly expressed, but spare me, English is not my first language). It wasĀ ācomfortableā, I didnāt have to pay rent, there was always food in the fridge and from time to time I would beĀ ārewardedā and get clothes or other stuff I would ask for.
I still have to endure with my mom not being able to show affection in the way I would want her to and having to hear every other day how stupid and useless I am, and even though I will never get used to this, fortunately, I now have the tools, so to say, to defend myself. Though it still affects me.
Money isnāt a manipulation tool any longer. I donāt earn much but I can treat myself and I can pay a rent now.
I havenāt had the best months of my life, though sometimes some events and days stand out, like finally getting my first bicycle back in September (and then crashing it and getting a huge bruise on my knee that still hurts to this day), having breakfast with the man Iām still in love with (thatās another topic), shooting some concerts, meeting friends, eating delicious meals and Iām sure there must be something else that slips my mind right now.
Iām sad and Iām tired of being sad, of crying about everything, Iām tired of grieving, I find it frustrating that the things that make me feel good or happy doesnāt last, they never do. I think maybe thatās why I want everything right now, because I know they wonāt last long and because humansā lives are so fragile.Ā
So the other day I went to see my first apartment, I didnāt think it was a huge deal until my therapist said it actually was. I was pretty nervous because my friend didnāt arrive on time and I was alone with the man in charge of showing it to me. I thought, what if he locks the door and does something to me? Itās tiring to be scared all the time of what men might do.Ā
I had no idea what to ask, what to check for, I just saw this awful red carpet along the whole apartment, a super dirty old bathroom and 2 spacious rooms with great natural light. I wasnāt convinced and thought that maybe I could get something a little bit cheaper so I wouldnāt have to struggle every month.
Friends have told me to check out a roomie app to move, but I really donāt want to arrive to a place thatās not mine, as in, a place where rules have already been established, spaces and times, and being the super awkward person that I am, people would get pissed at me for not saying hi or whatever. I want a place where I can start from scratch, where I can decide where things would go, which room would be mine (obviously the one with the best light!), the colour of the furniture and the amount of plants.
I can make my own -traditions- in my new place, invite friends, arrive late, because it will be mine. And I need that so bad, a place of my own.
I also thought, Iām gonna need a bigger bed, in case I want to invite someone over. I daydream about that often, sleeping with someone I love and waking up with him by my side, having breakfast and then go for a bike ride or just take a walk, I donāt know. I wanted that with the aforementioned man, but it wasnāt possible. Although Iām hopeful one day I can meet someone who will stay, and if my bed itās still small by then, then weāll squeeze into this space and feel each other nearer.
I guess it will take me more time to find the right apartment, and if not the right one, one where I can see myself making a home out of it, where I can have a big desk and work comfortably, a cozy couch to read in, and no curtains! I need light in my life.
Here we are, again. One week later and no longer together. The turns that life gives.
He said being angry doesnāt define him but that he gets angry at me quite often. I thought he was feeling attacked with every little thing I said to him as a joke. He accumulated this because, he said, he wanted to try to be with me. Wait, what?
Instead of working together on our defects, on those attitudes he says he doesnāt like about me, he decided to jugde me and use them against me. Not cool, man. I thought he was being supportive but it was a lie. Lies hurt.
Iām heart broken. Iām thinking over and over and having a hard time falling asleep. Why am I the one that has to go through this while the other isnāt bothered with what happened. So easy to say, I donāt want to be with you and fall asleep afterwards. His mind is clear, he has ridden himself off the burden. Iām still here with my thoughts.
It hurts to love someone completely and that the other one doesnāt feel the same about you. Iāve got so much love to give, Iām ready to share it, to feel it all, but to someone that appreciates and takes care of my love and me, not someone whoāll dispose of it just like that.
If the universe gave us another chance maybe it was to realize that we cannot be together. Things didnāt work out again. Because of me? Because of him? Itās a two person thing, relationships.
Maybe it was indeed too fast, everything that happened between us, and we didnāt know how to react, how to behave, how to get used to each other.
Knowing all of this now, Iāll do it all again. Because itās amazing to be able to feel. I felt loved, I felt love, but, unfortunately, it didnāt last long. We both made mistakes and now we have to learn from them to avoid repeating them.
Iāll do it all over again and change my ways, but if he doesnāt want to change his, then why even try?
Iāll use my time wisely, Iāll go to therapy to work on being a better and healthier person so it can help me do what Iāve been wanting to do for a long time. I wanna get rid of this tiredness that consumes my time and my life.
Iām not sorry we met, Iām not sorry we went through all of this, good and bad. It was sudden, it was fast, it was nice and it was ugly.
Iām sorry he couldnāt see the greatness in me.
Iām still full of love. I still love him completely until Iāll do it no more.
Sometimes I feel like I should take more time to write down and digest whatever thatās happening in my life, but I live in a constant rush that when I have the time to calm down I just stare into the void, literally, and let myself absorb the sunlight that comes through the balcony (not letting go of that rush that I have things to do, so in reality, I donāt even enjoy that time).
We all know by now that my time management sucks but all in all, this week I managed to do a rough version of my business cards and prepare an interview Iāll be conducting on Sunday, for which I tookĀ āwork timeā to do it, and to be fair, what is better than making use of your time for something exciting and youāre so passionate about? Besides, work hasnāt given me that sort of excitement and I feel a bit angry at the fact that this week I only went to give out tickets AND that I also have to do it on the weekend, oh and that they havenāt payed me.
Iād like to do more exciting things like this in the future, take photos and interview people I admire, get closer to understand how their musical minds work and of course, get a little money from that because I bet itās a wonderful feeling to get payed for something you absolutely love.
After some bad news, this bit of light that I managed, in a way, to produce has kept me going, since I was the one with the initiative to pitch the interview and sending emails so I could get it. It was really nice how things flowed. Back in March I told a friend that it was lovely to see NicolĆ” Cruzās set at Vive Latino and that I wished I could take photos of his pretty face, he said to me, why donāt you just interview him? AS SIMPLE AS THAT! So I sent some e-mails, did it by myself (just like Nardwuar said at his TED talk) and I got it. It might sound easy, maybe it was, but two other interviews back me up and they must have liked them or they wouldāve said no.
We rearrange our lives every minute. If the street is blocked then we walk the other way, if we donāt get to the 7pm movie then we see the one at 7:45. Just vague examples on how we shift our plans. But what happens with the big ones that are not as easy to shift, big plans that we have worked hard for them to happen and they just donāt happen? You get sad for a while, be all negative about the rest of your life and then clear your head and think of ways to turn the situation around.Ā Friends told me that things happen for a reason, that better things will come but that just makes me feel as if someone else is in charge of my future and Iām not happy with that. I used to think, what is better than going to another country where you felt comfortable enough to live in, meet again the friends that make you so happy and study something youāre passionate about? Absolutely nothing!
It took me time to realize that other good things can happen, maybe this interview can help me achieve other stuff, or maybe not, but for now is making me super happy (and super nervous) to know Iām able to do it. Sometimes I can be super positive but am careful with that because Iām always aware situations can have a negative outcome. My first and second plans might have not turned out for me, but along the way I have found a third one, one that has always been there but that requires more dedication than I thought.
Iām sort of eager for whatās to come, excluding anything related to work, since I also started a comic workshop that might finally help me to draw more stuff (although I know it has to do more with me than with other people telling me how good it is), and I met someone whom I think can turn out to be a lovely partner to grow with-weāll see.

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This past weekend I went to a festival called Vive Latino. On Saturday I went by myself, I didnāt worry about looking for people to go with, I think I mightāve been concentrated in work stuff that I didnāt remember.Ā
When I arrived I wanted to look like those people that arrive later than their friends and look for them at the various stages, but that didnāt work, of course. I saw a bit of Centavrvs, a Mexican band, but got a bit bored so just went to next stage to wait for Nicola Cruz. I was ready to dance but I got a bit shy although normally I really donāt care. I didnāt feel comfortable and all the smoke was irritating my eyes/contact lenses. Nicola was great though, and heās so handsome that I was fantasizing with his pretty face.
Then I went on to see Morrissey but he bored me a bit since it was the same thing as his last year concert, so I just went to wait to see Noel Gallagher for the first time in my life. I liked Oasis as a kid but Blur got me at the very first second I listened to them. He was great, I was so happy during the whole set that I couldnāt stop smiling and dancing and jumping, even if I didnāt know the lyrics to his songs. I also remembered a friend from Sao Paulo that is a massive Noelās fan and sent him little videos and audios hoping Iād cheer him up. And then I realized I was so comfortable being by myself at that precise moment, I was happy being just with myself in a huge festival filled with loads of people and it was amazing.
Then it was Kali Uchis turn and Little Dragon and I kept dancing so much and being so happy. I was surprised at myself, really, not feeling sorry for not having friends that like the same bands to go to concerts or festivals with.
On Sunday I finally saw Gorillaz, something I had waited for 16-17 years and damn I was not disappointed at all. I got worried because a kid was on one of his parentās back and he blocked all my view so I moved around and people just behaved like total dicks pushing me and being so nasty at me. Iām small, man, if I stand in front of you, youāll still be able to see. In the end I could see Damon and smiled like a child, sang, jumped, screamed. That day I went with my mom and she was as happy as me, I could see it in her face.
It was a great weekend and I truly hope I wonāt forget what I felt. Iām ok with being alone and hanging out with myself but that doesnāt mean I wanna do it all the time. Iād like to share things with someone else, I know I have my friends but I canāt kiss my friends, so. I want a partner, emphasis on the want because itās totally different than the need. I made the decision to want somebody else. Does it make sense?Ā
Itās hard, though, because I donāt go out that much and when I do itās within my social circle, so there arenāt many opportunities to meet new people, besides the fact I suck at doing that. But Iām working on it. Men are assholes but there must be someone out there who isnāt, Iām hoping. Weāll see what the paths I go through bring and what I do to make things happen. And now Iām convinced Iām cool enough for myself (:
After coming back from my birthday trip in September, I wanted to write about it, what I saw and felt, and what I decided to change after it, but then the big earthquake happened and I had no head to write. Later, I started to get a bit paranoid with all the info I put out here and there. Itās creepy how much you can learn about a person with just a quick search. Canāt escape from it but just in case, my cameras have a post-it thing on them, even though every device can be hacked and audio can also be transmitted.Ā Anyhow, even after that, Iām still writing here. November and December went by so fast that I didnāt even notice, one day I received a photo from my friend Geri and it was already snowing in Wiesbaden. Damn, how come I lost track of time that bad? Now Christmas has passed, but it didnāt feel like it, and then on Sunday is New Yearās Eve and then, and then,Ā and thenā¦.!
Although I spent a lot of time being sad, probably depressed, and I sorta lost the only job Iāve truly liked (one of the bosses told me I was going to work freelance for them but never called me), hated the job that came after (mainly because of a couple of nasty people) and have no job to start on January, I can say I had a good year. I feel like Iāve grown a lot and thatās exciting, in spite of not having my own place and some small crisis every now and then, Iāve learned some things along the way. When I came back from California and after being kinda infatuated with Los Angeles, I thought I should start doing things to getĀ āout thereā, to show my work and given the chance, maybe live and work there for a season or two. Started planning, thinking about people to ask to help me out, because Iām done with my shyness and awkwardness that doesnāt let me do a lot of things. I also decided to stop being sad and stop laying on my bed not doing things that could help me improve myself, to stop not doing what Iām passionate about.Ā
Of course itās not that easy but I havenāt felt bad since October, Iām taking my vitamins, trying to eat better (sweet stuff always tempt me so Iām sorry to myself because chocolate and desserts are my weakness), still canāt get a good sleep routine but Iām working on that, Iām getting out of my comfort zone as much as I can -which is so hard because my anxiety is sky rocketed only to later realize nothing bad wouldnāt and didnāt happen. These are just a few things but Iām working on myself and it feels good. There is still a long way to go but Iām proud that Iām trying to get better, and when I get the chance Iād like to go back to therapy.
I met wonderful people this year, I had fantastic experiences with old and new friends and even if sometimes I cannot stand people, I always look forward to getting to know kind and interesting fellas.
It is tradition here, or at least in my family, that on NYE you write down 12 wishes or resolutions and with every bell chime you think about that wish and eat a grape. I named my list: 2017, the year of getting shit DONE, I did get some shit done and Iām glad about that and I hope next year I get more shit done and stop hesitating that much. I know Iām capable, I just have to trust myself.
Soooooo, I gotta go now, Iām a bit hungry and a grapefruit is calling my name since yesterday. I never know how to end, I get impatient :D
Last night I ended up hanging out with Stingās son, Joe Sumner. The situation was not that strange since I was with Lucy Rose, Will (her husband) and Ben (amazing singer) and Andrew (super talented violinist), but it still felt a bit unreal because WHEN DOES THAT EVER HAPPEN!?
Sting played the big room yesterday, at Auditorio Nacional, while Lucy played the small room, Lunario. She found out about this and messaged Joe cause they are friends from a long time ago. So they went to see him open for his dad and then he ended up drinking a couple of beers with all of us.
I felt so cool just by hanging with all these amazing people and yesterday was fanstastic. Wish most of my days were like this, just being with nice and kind people, smile and do what I love.