Starlight 16
Summary: Amani is an orphaned heiress whoâs spent most of her life raising her younger sister. T'Challa is a widowed King and Father. Neither of them is expecting much from their night at the Lotus. But the coming months have many milestones in store for these young adults. Will becoming a family be one of them?
Warnings: Suicidal thoughts, miscarriage, depression.
Masterlist || 15 || 16 || 17
âAmani!â
âNo Darius please, Iâm sorry,â Amani sobbed as she was shaken violently out of her dream.
âHey, Amani itâs me, entle, itâs me.â TâChalla rocked his girlfriend as tears poured down her face.
âIâm sorry. Iâm sorry,â Amani wailed as Shuri, Amare, Ada, Okoye, and Queen Mother rushed into the room. âShuri, Amare, take Ada to the dining room. You all start breakfast without usâ Queen Ramonda ordered, helping to quiet the woman in her sonâs bed. âIs Mani going to be okay?â Ada fretted as the two young adults led her out of the room. âSheâs okay, she just had a bad dream,â Amare reassured, secretly grateful that TâChalla and his family were there to help shoulder the load of Amaniâs night terrors. They started after her first rescue from Dariusâs crutches and had faded after the older Okeke met TâChalla, but 3 months after the second attack they began terrorizing her sister again.
âHoney, breathe baby, breathe,â Ramonda soothed as her son continued to calm his girlfriend silently with his hand on her back. Almost an hour later, the king was alone once again with his sleeping girlfriend. âKumkani,â Okoye knocked apologetically. âWe are already two hours late, we must leave soon.â
âWhere are you going?â Amani whispered. âI have some business in the mountains with the Jabari. I will be back before dinner. I promise.â The king caressed Amaniâs cheek as her face visibly fell. âI understand,â she nodded. âI will be back as soon as I can.â The king slid from under her and pressed a kiss to her forehead.
âDo you ever stop and think about how much your life is like coming to America now?â Amare asked her sister as they laid together on her and TâChallaâs bed. âNot really. I mean I guess it is.â
âIt totally is, and Iâm so happy for you Amani. You are amazing.â
âNo, Iâm not.â The older sister waved away her sisterâs words. âYes, you are!â Amare rolled onto her side. âYou finished raising me. Took me in during your last two years of college. Survived an abusive relationship, a kidnapping, two miscarriages, and you still are able to put a smile on Adaâs face. Everyoneâs face. You are extraordinary.â Amare laid back down and took her sisterâs hand in her own. âThanks, kid,â Amani offered a small smile and squeezed her sisterâs hand.
âWe should get ready for dinner, TâChalla should be back soon,â Amare teased and pulled herself up from bed. âYou go ahead,â Amani waved her sister on. âIâll be there in a second, Iâve gotta use the restroom.â
Amare nodded before heading out of the room.
âMy love, are you still in here?â TâChalla knocked on their bedroom door before entering to find it quiet. âAmani?â The king began to panic slightly as he moved through the space before he heard a groan from the bathroom. âEntle?â he pushed open the bathroom door to find the love of his life hunched over the toilet. âAre you alright,â he sat down on the floor and pulled her into his arms.
âIâve been throwing up all day. I donât know whatâs wrong,â Amani sighed and snuggled into his scent. âDid it start today?â
âNo, it's been a few weeks,â Amani mumbled. âDid you take another test?â
âNo, I just lost a baby TâChalla, I donât even want to think about having another one.â
âAmani, thereâs no way you could be pregnant with a new baby right now.â TâChalla reminded her with a slight grin on his face. The heiress looked up in fear, âTâChalla you all said that they told you I lost the baby,â Amani sat up from his hold. âThey did, but maybe it is worth having a second opinion here in Wakanda.â
âI donât know TâChalla.â
âI know we donât want to get our hopes up but it is best to know. Will you at least go for me?â
Amani sighed and nodded. She watched as a grin grew on her loverâs face. He looked so happy and she couldnât understand why she didnât want to know if her child was still living. Maybe it was easier to live with its ghost than the responsibility of having to keep it alive for six more months. She was exhausted enough trying to heal herself, she didnât know if she could handle taking on another personâs baggage.
âMy dear, are you alright?â The lunch table went quiet as Amani cleared her throat. âIâm okay, just a little tired.â Amani offered a small smile as Madiyson and Sakura eyed her suspiciously. âWhen does Marquis arrive?â Amani deflected the conversation back on to Madiyson and her boyfriendâs impending arrival. âHe said at 4 this afternoon.â The former waitress smiled. âYou think heâs gonna pop the question while you all are away together this weekend?â Shuri teased.
âI donât know,â Madiyson blushed. âI am just excited to plan a baby shower.â Amaniâs best friend smiled and rubbed her small bump. The king glanced at his girlfriend and squeezed her hand. The other occupants of the table looked on in pity as TâChalla leaned over, âHave you heard anything from the doctors?â
Amani fought back the bile in her throat and shook her head quickly. âPlease,â she addressed everyone and the other future mother, âItâs okay to talk about babies. I am so excited to be an auntie,â she reassured everyone before glancing back down at her plate. The rest of breakfast went by no easier. Conversations about baby due dates, genders, engagements, and color schemes continued with everyone tiptoeing around the questions on eggshells. By the end of the ordeal, Amani was mentally drained and the family felt like theyâd run a marathon of words around everyoneâs feelings. Barely holding it together, the heiress quickly excused herself to the gardens to be alone.
Once she felt sure that no one had followed, a sob ripped through her chest. Itâd been a week since sheâd agreed to get a second opinion in Wakanda, two days since sheâd convinced the doctor to let her tell the king, and ten minutes since sheâd last lied to TâChalla about having the results. Her heart broke a little more every time she lied, but she wasnât sure if she wanted to keep this child. It went against everything sheâd believed about herself in the past, but quite honestly, the cloud that hung over her day in and day out was large enough to make her question the safety of her child if it stayed with her.
âThis was always my favorite spot to cry as well,â Amani looked up embarrassed as Ramonda joined her in the garden. She wiped her face and offered a small smile. âPlease, donât stop on my behalf. I am just here to provide some comfort if I may,â the queen joined the southern girl on the bench. âI donât know whatâs wrong with me,â Amani cracked a few minutes later, tears streaming down her cheeks once more.
Ramonda said nothing but pulled her closer. âItâs just like thereâs this dark cloud hanging over me and I just canât get happy. Like I should be over the moon right now-â
âWhy do you think that?â The queen interrupted. âMy best friend is having a baby, she could be getting engaged, Iâm having a baby-â
âYouâre having a baby?â
Amani felt a knife twist in her heart, sheâd wanted TâChalla to know first. âI just found out. I wasnât feeling well so TâChalla arranged for me to get a second opinion and surprise,â She exclaimed half-heartedly.
âBut youâre not sure if you want to go through with the pregnancy?â
Amani sighed and shook her head.
âDoes TâChalla know?â
She shook her head again, âI want to tell him, but heâs so excited. It would break his heart to hear that I donât know if Iâm going to keep the child.â
âYou know, I am hearing a lot about others and very little about how you feel.â
âI just, I donât know if this baby is safe with me,â Amani admitted reluctantly. âAmani,â the queen turned to look her in both eyes, âHave you been having thoughts about-â
âPlease,â the girl begged, âI have but I canât. Please donât say that aloud.â
âIf you have been thinking about ending your life my dear, we need to talk about it.â
Amani began crying once more, â It terrifies me. Iâve only felt like this once and I vowed I would never go back there, and here I am and-â
âYou do not owe any of us an explanation. There is no way we could imagine what youâve been through.â Ramonda pulled the young girl in for a hug. âI would like to get you some more help though. Perhaps some that can only be found outside of the castle walls. Just think about it please my dear. As much as I want this grandchild, I want you here safe and sound to raise it.â Ramonda hugged her daughter in love and wiped a stray tear of her own.
A few minutes later she interrupted the comfortable silence that had formed, âNow, make whatever decision feels right for you, but you need to tell the childâs father. My son deserves to know. Not just about the baby, but everything.âShe looked into the young womanâs eyes. Amani sighed and nodded. She could no longer avoid the inevitable.
âTâChalla, can I talk to you?â Amani fumbled with her hands upon entering her boyfriendâs office. The moon shone through his large windows and her heart fluttered as he looked up and grinned. Some of the strain of the day melting away as he laid eyes on her for the first time since breakfast this morning. The heiressâs stomach churned after, the feel of acid rising in her throat as the thought of what she was about to admit out loud to her childâs father. The king looked so ethereal, surrounded by the pale glowing halo of the moon. Who was she to deny him the chance to be an amazing father once again? âAmani? Are you alright?â the rich baritone of TâChallaâs voice pulled her back into reality. âYeah, Iâm-,â She couldnât do this. The prospective royal felt her emotions frantically backpedaling. Whatâs the worst that could happen? Sheâd have the baby, TâChalla would continue to love them both and, sure she would probably continue letting him down but she could make him happy at least this one last time.
âMy love?â the king called out once more. Worried and intrigued by what was distracting the usually laser-focused woman in front of him. âHuh? Oh, Itâs fine. Nevermind. I shouldnât have come it was stupid.â Amani backtracked and turned to head out of the door. âHold on,â The king quickly reached out to pull her back to him. âYou came all the way down to my office this late at night for something stupid?â
âItâs nothing really,â Amani hid her face knowing that she was a terrible liar when TâChalla was involved. âOkay, come on,â the king pulled her over to his desk and onto his lap. âWhatâs going on? Did you get the results from the doctor?â TâChallaâs face brightened once again at the prospect of knowing whether or not he should be expecting another child soon. Amani felt her heart tear in two. Tears began streaming down her face before she could stop them. âOh,â TâChallaâs face fell,â Oh my love come here. It is not over yet okay. We will get through this. Weâll give you time to heal and if you want to, in the future once weâre married and Ada is a little older we can try again-â
Feeling her emotions getting the best of her, the former waitress decided to just blurt it out. âIâm still pregnant.â The kingâs face contorted in confusion, waiting for Amani to explain the heart-wrenching sobs that were beginning to hiccup their way out of her throat. He rubbed her back in silence until she calmed slightly under his touch. âYou were right, I never lost the baby, but Iâm not sure that I still want to have this child TâChalla.â
Even the moon seemed to lean closer to the window as the king let out a low whistle. Amani allowed the silence to linger for a while longer before nervously ushering it along, âPlease say something TâChalla.â
The monarch ran a hand over his head before hoisting her back securely on his lap, âWhat do you want me to say Amani?â
âI donât know. I mean. I donât. Iâll just go-â She stood sadness lacing every movement.
âDid I ask you to leave Amani?â The king stopped her.
âPlease stop thinking that when things get hard Iâll want to leave or that I want you to leave. I love you and that means I want to know what you are thinking at all times. I want us to talk through this okay?â
The American woman nodded as tears pooled behind her eyes again. âOkay,â she nodded as TâChalla helped her to take a seat on the elevated window seal. Once he joined her he took a moment to study her face. âWhatâs really going on. You adore children.â
The king wiped the newly emerging tears, remembering how sensitive Nakia was during her pregnancy as well. The slightest thing could set her off crying. Or screaming. Usually crying. âI donât think this child is safe, T'Challa.â
A fire sizzled across the fatherâs features, âDarius is dead, and you know I will do anything. Anything to protect you two.â
âI know TâChalla, but it is not an outsider I am afraid of.â
âWhat do you mean? Has someone here threatened-â
I donât think this baby is safe from me TâChalla. Lately, Iâve been-â Amani gulped, not ready to admit this out loud again for the second time today. âI have been having visions and daydreams about killing myself TâChalla. I canât stop them. Itâs like I'm doing, well okay at best and then they just appear. Out of nowhere.â
Tears warbled her lower lip as the king grappled with the words that had just left her mouth. âI- I donât even feel safe from myself and Iâm struggling every day to keep myself alive. The thought of adding another person Iâm responsible for to the mix. Itâs just too much. Itâs too much TâChalla.â Amani felt the dam of her emotions crumble and she succumbed to the flood. TâChalla pulled her in close after she let the pain of her secrets flow. He knew that she had not seemed like herself lately, but he presumed it was just post-traumatic stress from her ordeal. He knew he should have pushed harder for her to seek professional help after, but she insisted she just needed time. Now she was here in his office sobbing. Admitting to having thoughts about killing herself and by consequence, their first child. For the first time in a long time, T'Challa Udaku was terrified and he had no idea what to do about it.
He hugged his girlfriend even closer as he thought about the engagement ring that was tucked away in the royal armory. He knew this was not the most appropriate time to think about needing to cancel his plans for them this Thursday but it helped keep him rooted to earth in a moment where he wanted nothing more than to spiral like the woman on his lap. Cancel engagement dinner. Consult with Diyna, head priestess of the temple. Cancel and postpone all meetings tomorrow. Find mother. Scratch that. Get Amani safely to their room and message his mother that they needed to talk as soon as possible. Pray to Bast that Okoye and Mother are not sleeping. He created a mental checklist and sighed. He had a plan of action and all he needed to do now was follow it.
Amani woke up hours later, the moon still making its slow descent across the sky. TâChalla was nowhere to be found even though she knew heâd been there when she fell asleep. Something pressed against her bladder and she sighed, moving to head to the bathroom. Her feet touched the cold stone and she groaned hoping to shuffle quickly to the bathroom and back. As her foot went to take the next step a familiar searing heat electrified her body. Her face twisted in horror as the events from years ago began to repeat themselves. âNo, no, no, no please,â she chanted over and over as she sank to the floor. Her steady plea turned into a gut-wrenching wail as her second child passed over to that great beyond without her. With it went the last shreds of her sanity.
It'd been three weeks. The king paced the corridor outside of his daughterâs room. 21 days and he still had not found a way that felt appropriate to comfort his wife. The news of this miscarriage tore him apart more than he could ever begin to show, but Amani had lost it. She insisted it was punishment for having doubts about keeping their miracle baby and no matter who tried to reassure her, she wouldnât believe anything but that she was responsible. Sheâd withdrawn from everyone including the monarch who finally decided to knock on Adaâs door. He made his way into the room only to be shushed by Amani, who was rocking the soon to be 6 year old to sleep. âShh, sheâs sleeping,â she crooned, watching as Adaâs chest rose and fell.â
TâChalla walked over squatting before her, heart breaking at the sight, âI know, but I was hoping to talk to you.â Amani tore her eyes from Ada to look at his chest avoiding all eye contact. She hadnât looked him in the eyes in days. The specialist from the center thought it was a sign of devaluation. She no longer felt she was worthy of TâChalla being her partner. It was the most absurd thing heâd heard in his life. If anything, he owed her the world. âWhy?â Amani uttered, turning her gaze back to the sleeping Ada. âI canât leave the baby,â she reminded and the king nodded, looking at his school-age child in her lap. âJust for a moment,â he waved Okoye into the room. âOkoye will watch her for you.â
A few beats passed before the mother nodded, allowing Ada to be handed over to Okoye. The warrior and TâChalla breathed a sigh of relief as the king was able to lead Amani out of the room and into the hallway. âDid I mess up again?â the woman mumbled once the door was shut, separating them from Ada. âNo,â the king reassured, âBut I want to get you some help. So you can feel better. Youâre tired and barely eating.â
Amani remained silent and the king took it as a sign to continue, âPlease think about it.â
He handed over a brochure and the older sister gingerly flipped through it. For the first time in weeks, something other than Ada brought a slight smile to her face. âI thought you might like it.â
âThey can help me feel better?â
The king nodded and Amani flipped through the pages once more. âWhat about the baby, I canât leave her. She-â
âWill be fine.â The king reassured. âLet me take care of her, I just want you to feel better okay?â
Amani started to shake her head before letting her shoulders sink and she sighed. âOkay.â
âItâs just a month okay?â Amani hugged her little sister who had tears in her eyes. Itâd been two days since she had agreed to go to a therapeutic rehabilitation center. Yesterday, TâChalla had called and luckily they still had a spot available for Amani to join them. She couldnât deny that fear was grating on her nerves, but there was a little ember of hope burning. Maybe soon, sheâd feel better than she ever had. The prospect excited her. She squeezed Amare one last time before hugging her two best friends and Ada one last time. Sheâd already hugged Queen mother and Shuri goodbye as they had agreed to sit in on TâChallaâs meetings so that he could escort his beloved to the center.
âWait, someone is missing?â Amani froze looking over the people she loved who had gathered to see her off. âYou said goodbye to Ada this morning,â Amare sniffled and Amani couldnât help but pull her into another hug. This was the first time the older sister would be leaving the younger one since their parents had passed. âI know,â the business owner thought back to the tears that had defined her morning as Ada was reluctant to let her go. It had been a miracle TâChalla had convinced her to go to school at all. Though, Amani couldnât deny that the fact that she would be missed did warm her heart.
âI meant my niece or nephew,â she smiled softly and pulled Madiyson and her prominent baby bump into a hug. Soon, theyâll be here in person for me to meet.â
Everyone looked on slightly in shock, none more so than Madisyon who had avoided showing her friend her bump since the incident a month ago now. âWhat?â Amani pulled back and blanched, hoping she hadnât said anything wrong. âNothing, I- we should get going so we can check in on time.â
Amani nodded and smiled at her family once more before allowing herself to be helped into the car. Itâs only for a month,â she sighed as the car pulled away from the curb. Fighting back tears as she watched her family disappear. She hoped this month went by quickly so that she could come home, a stronger person. Ready to embrace all of the new changes that were coming her way. For the first time in months, a full-blown smile graced her features and she squeezed TâChallaâs hand. The world seemed just a bit brighter, even if only for a moment.
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