#starlightcarnival

I'm still fixing things up, so sorry for the mess uwu

oh no

Beautiful

You guys are crazy, I like that.

You're all so sweet and cute and I'm seriously not used to that. No one ever called me pretty or whatever growing up. I was just awkward and short and plain old mean to some people. Girls were obsessed with my hair though. I was just a Barbie doll to them. Super skinny, the perfect height, long hair...thats all I was to them, but none of them ever ever called me pretty or cute. I was just that kid who was crazy about anime(even though I kept it to myself and my close circle of friends).

I got called Blackense a lot, even though I didn't make it known I have Japanese in my family. It kinda hurt, but I learned to just let it roll off of me. Kindergarten to the middle of high school weren't very kind to me...but I just learned to live with it.

So...me being here with all of you on tumblr(mostly the wonderful Once-ler/Lorax fandom)...you're all so open and accepting! And I've gotten so many people telling me that I'm legit cute, and pretty and beautiful and everything and its so overwhelming! To have so many people be so kind to me? I love it! I'm not used to it...but I appreciate every word, and every compliment, and every kind gesture.

Even...when I was going through a phase when I didn't know who I was...there were so many of you reaching out to help. Even though I was nervous to accept it, I honestly really appreciate it. And when she said she accepted me and loved me for who I was, regardless of what gender I was...I couldn't help but cry. It was tears of joy...okay...I'm getting off topic...and getting ready to cry...

...

I'm not anyone's favourite?

Well...then...moving right along...

Anywho, I'm picking up and moving house~! Well...not literally, I'm moving onto a new blog~! Why? Cause I'm pretty sure there is someone here who probably hates me~! And we're both following each other, but I guess we each don't want to seem like total assholes and jerks and un-follow each other. (And I like this username to much to simply delete this blog.) So...I love her and respect her, and I'm tired of thinking I'm bothering her and getting anxiety attacks every time I see her username. So...I'll just pick up and move~! So if you still love me, and still want to follow me, catch me over at this little blog right here~

I guess I can hop on here now and then...

But yeah, see you guys there~! 

I mean like...for me...I think its hard to make friends. I can see someone totally cool and shit and I wanna talk to them, but oh god I can't for the life of me. I just can't find it in me to go up to someone and talk to them. So most of the time when I'm alone when I'm in public, I'm silent and I guess I have the meanest look on my face or something, cause I've had people come up to me saying they thought I was total meanface jerk or an asshole. When in reality, I'm just in my little dream world listening to music.

Its those moments where I wish I would've gotten the nerve to talk to that person. But I know I never will. The voices in my head tell me I'm not good enough to talk to you. The voices will give me a million and one reasons why I shouldn't go talk to you. "omg what if I mess up my wording?" "what if they laugh at me??" "what if they see my teeth and say its weird looking?" "what if I'm weird looking?" "they don't want to talk to me, I'm just bothering them." "I'm just a bother." Some of the things that run through my mind when I even think about trying to talk to anyone. Its hard. And not a lot of people realize this. I'm afraid to even think that if I had never gotten up the nerve, I would've never met my girlfriend. That really bothers me.

But, if you see me interact with people I know, you'd think I'm the biggest attention whore in the world. And you would be right! But...I can't ask for it. I have trouble asking for the attention I need. I want it so bad though. I want all eyes on me. I want everyone to worry about me. But I don't know how to ask for it. I'm afraid to ask for it. I might shoot out a post on facebook and tumblr, crying out for some reason or another...but it's just hard. 

Everything about friendship for a person like me is just hard.

You can send all the nice notes and comment positively on all my statuses...but...I just can't.

And I don't understand it.

But I can't imagine having anyone hate me for it.