#standalonearticles

Mediocre. Slytherin was mediocre last year. Like, last place for the house cup? We all know we can do better. We did have some achievements last year, predominantly on the pitch and in the chamber, but even they weren't the best. We came in second for the Quidditch cup, which is a lot better than third or last. Then again, second is also pretty pathetic. In the dueling tournament, Kelly Ashcroft and Maxine Capalet-Miller came second and third respectively in the advanced tier, whilst recent graduate Maksim Valentin placed first in the draft tier. That's decent enough, I suppose. But it still isn't the best. This year, we need to start over. We can place first for the house cup. We can win the Quidditch cup and place highly in the dueling tournaments. We have new prefects. We even have a new face leading The Parselmouth. After the graduation of our long standing Editor-in-Chief, Asia Chadwick, The Parselmouth welcomes its newest Editor-in-Chief, former senior editor and continuing layout editor Eden Beattie. Eden brings a fresh set of eyes and a wonderful perspective that I know will make this one of The Parselmouth's best years yet. Her editing team includes returning senior editor Viola Wayland and me, Kestrel Wayland, your newest junior editor. The rest of The Parselmouth's staff this year are Christian Medici, Dove Lightwood, Havana Towne, Juan Garcia and Zara Anguariz. Clearly, with a team as good as us, you can look forward to many exciting things this year from The Parselmouth. All I have left to say is this: welcome to a new year, snakes. And please don't mess it up. written by Kestrel Wayland

Although I've held the position of The Parselmouth’s Editor-in-Chief for five of my seven years at Hogwarts, writing a sentimental article about how it's "changed" me and how "grateful" I am just isn't really my style. Sorry, Professor Wollice - I know that's what you were hoping for. Instead, I'll keep it brief. Being Editor-in-Chief of The Parselmouth has been hard sometimes, I'm not going to deny that. But at least it was decent enough to inspire me to go for a young editor's internship at Witch Weekly (which I got, by the way, if you were wondering). And I've met a few good people, I suppose. That's all there is to say. Congrats and good luck to all the other graduating seventh years - I hope you all get jobs and don't end up on the streets. And good luck to The Parselmouth's next Editor-in-Chief, too. Seriously, you're going to need it. Bye, Slytherins! written by Asia Chadwick

To new Slytherins, welcome! And to old friends, welcome back. Another school year has finally begun! Last year was a particularly triumphant one for Slytherin house. Not only were our Quidditch team successful in acquiring the Quidditch Cup for the first time in seven years, the House Cup was finally returned to its rightful owners. We also observed a considerable increase in the amount and ability of Slytherin duellists, ran a successful mentoring program and said goodbye to a brilliant group of seventh years. However, last year was last year. It's going to take just as much - no, maybe even more effort for Slytherin to maintain the success we experienced last year. So duellists and Quidditch players, be prepared to train harder and for longer. And the rest of you, keep finding ways to earn us house points. No way are we going to let last year's work go to waste. As for us, The Parselmouth's team is already looking pretty good. Returners Bryony King, Kayla Kedzierski, Kestrel Wayland and Zara Anguariz will be joined by our eager new recruits: Dorcas Duval, Dove Lightwood, Kirk Lawson, Layla Howell and Lucius Cronus. Our returning Editor-in-Chief, Asia Chadwick, is also accompanied by a brilliant editing team for the year: senior and layout editor Eden Beattie, senior editor Viola Wayland and junior editor Tian Cruz. We'll all be working together to provide you with even more articles this year, from pieces of gossip and advice to updates on some of our wonderful graduates. We're even introducing a comic strip - The Adventures of Salazar - so make sure you look out for that! That's it from us at The Parselmouth for now, but don't worry! More articles will be on their way to you soon... written by Eden Beattie and Tian Cruz

Most of you should be aware that The Parselmouth's end of year article is often filled with nothing but negativity, for we are almost always forced to report on an entire year's worth of failed pursuits of glory. However, this year it seems that success has not evaded us. Slytherin house has experienced numerous successes this year. Our younger duellists have been seeking to create a name for themselves in the chamber - a feat in which many proved to be successful by placing well in this year's tournament. Our older duellists have also been at work, achieving high placements in the tournament while acting as admirable role models for many of our younger students. On the Quidditch field, this year's team were successful in bringing home the Quidditch Cup for the very first time in seven years. And although we are yet to hear the results of this year's house points competition, Slytherin are in first place at the time of writing this article. Perhaps our common room will be playing host to both cups this year? We at The Parselmouth certainly hope so. The Parselmouth itself has also had a successful year. Editors Asia and Hank have worked hard to increase the efficiency of the programme, each of our writers have made a valuable contribution to the circulation of news in Slytherin and article output has increased dramatically in comparison to previous terms. Ensuring that The Parselmouth will continue to thrive next year will be our new editing team: returning Editor-in-Chief Asia Chadwick, returning layout editor Eden Beattie (who’ll also be taking on a new senior editor role next year), new senior editor Viola Wayland and new junior editor Tian Cruz. Congratulations to the new group! Finally, before signing out for the year, The Parselmouth would like to wish our graduating seventh years well. Congratulations and good luck to Audria Madison, Chesna Kaiser, Henry Chamberlain, Leliana Flynn, Phaedra Wayland, Rory Sawyer, Sabine Huntington and Vaughn Knightly. Each of you have made a special contribution to Slytherin house throughout the years and you will all be sorely missed. Well - that's it from us! We hope you all have a wonderful summer holiday and remember to look out for applications to write for us when you get back to school. written by Eden Beattie

Welcome back, Slytherins! It has become customary that The Parselmouth produces an introductory article every September, welcoming you all back to school for another year of hard work and brilliance. Except... well, no one seemed to take much notice of last year's. We told the Quidditch team to buck their ideas up and win a few games - but that didn't happen. We told you all to get involved in dueling and try to win a few trophies in the tournament - but that hardly happened. And heck, we even asked you to slay at life in general. But though we did end up winning the house cup (how, no one will ever know...), it's pretty obvious that brilliance seems to have escaped us these past few years. Therefore, I will say this and this alone: WE CAN DO BETTER. We will do better. We must. Now that's over with, onto something a little more light hearted! A big congratulations and welcome goes out to The Parselmouth's new junior editor, Marigold Whitaker - the senior editors know you'll be fantastic! And we'd also like to welcome the following new writers to our wonderful Parselmouth family: Aimery Villiers, Alex Stewart, Eden Beattie, Jemimah Dubois, Joseph Beattie and Kayla Kedzierski. We know you'll be awesome too. That's it for now, but stay tuned and keep reading for another year's worth of quality content brought to you by The Parselmouth! written by Asia Chadwick

Hello, Slytherins! We're sure you'll all agree that this school year has been an interesting one, bringing us a variety of both highs we've enjoyed and lows we've taken on the chin and learned from. But before we reflect on the year we've had, we at The Parselmouth would like to pay tribute to Hufflepuff's Margo Ward, who was tragically killed on our grounds one year ago. Margo's death was an unpredictable and spontaneous event which affected the hearts of many here at Hogwarts. She was a wonderful student, classmate and - most importantly - friend, with the potential to accomplish anything she desired. May Margo Ward's memory forever live on in our new and spectacular Memorial Garden, set up by our hardworking Professors and this year's Head Boy and Girl. So - this year at Hogwarts. The highs: Slytherin's Alexis Endicus was awarded the Head Girl badge (and managed to keep it all year, despite concerns), Professor Wollice managed to retain her job as Slytherin's Head of House (we knew she could do it!), no one in Slytherin got shackled by Flamel (that we know of) and no one actually died. We've had a pretty successful year, then, right? WRONG. Do you lovely readers recall when, at the beginning of this year, your humble Parselmouth writers urged you to take advantage of your Salazar-born drive for success to bring glory to our House before the echo of our magnificent failures awoke Salazar himself from his grave? Do you recall how these writers were even kind enough to offer you a number of tips on how to achieve this? If the answer is no - shame on you. However, if the answer is yes, then... shame on you! You didn't do better. And Salazar's pissed-off spirit is probably on its way to Hogwarts right now to put us all out of our misery before we taint his name forever. Let's start with dueling. Is it really that hard to take some time out of your hormone based schedules, to skip that one snogging session - or even to postpone that three o'clock broom closet appointment - to sneak down to the dueling chamber for a duel or three? The tournament finished and we only had six participants. Or... maybe a couple more than six. Who even knows and cares any more? It's just common knowledge that Slytherin - a house which was once home to numerous talented duelists - now sucks at dueling. But if you thought it couldn't get any worse than that, then brace yourself for a loud and heartfelt WRONG again. Our dear Quidditch captains claim that we never intended to win this year, or last, or the year before that, because our team took a hit and we needed some time to rebuild. Fair point. Rebuilding is good. But let's remove all the layers of Honeydukes' finest sugar and spell it out for you spectators: our team consists primarily of children barely out of their diapers, while our oldest players were three fifth years (Endicus doesn't count, she isn't really a player). In short - we suck. Or maybe Hank Chamberlain just needs to stop wallowing in his manpain and focus. We lost against Gryffindor. Okay, we accept that. Gryffindor is good. We lost against Ravenclaw. Okay, we accept that. Julia is sharp (and hot). And we lost against Hufflepuff. Okay, we accept that---NOT. I repeat: WE. LOST. AGAINST. HUFFLEPUFF! Enough said. But what we lacked in Quidditch match wins and dueling tournament participants, we certainly made up for in Parselmouth Articles! Maybe everyone on our failing Quidditch team should jump ship and write for us instead of flying around on that pitch you never win on. (No, but really, anyone who wants to write for us next year is welcome...) And finally, we couldn't possibly forget our graduating seventh years! So to Aara, Alexa, Alexis, Arieda, Asher, Edward, Ewan, Emery and Kerr - good luck and have fun. Don't let the real world swallow you whole... Thanks for a wonderful school year, Parselmouth readers, and we're already looking forward to bringing you another year's worth of news and gossip next year! written by Asia Chadwick and Vaughn Knightly

In all honesty, you guys sucked last year. We lost the House cup, we lost the Quidditch cup... the only thing we really won was Shuntbumps and even that was a disaster! So, in honour of ensuring Slytherin house is the best it can possibly be this year, we at The Parselmouth have compiled a reflection on last year and present to you an array of (COMPULSORY!!) tips for success in the future. SHUNTBUMPS - a reflection by Vaughn Knightly. We have all heard about it (if you haven't, I suggest you ask someone to lift that disorientating charm that's been placed on you), but what is it? The short version; snakelets and lion cubs take to the air and attempt to knock one another off their brooms using a combination of Quidditch fouls and spells. The long version; snakelets and lion cubs take to the air and attempt to knock one another off their brooms using a combination of Quidditch fouls and spells. But you may still ask; what - when - where - who - huh? Well, let's start with the when. It was first hosted at Hogwarts in the 28/29 school year by—who? The legendary Adora Crawford and Twila Wilde. It wasn't hosted again until April last term by our very own Alexis Endicus and Gryffindor's Prettiest Thanrion Twin a.k.a Elarinya Thanrion. Where? If you can't guess, then you are not fit to read this article. Huh? Slytherin won, of course. I would say thanks to yours truly but that would sound awfully smug of me, so I will just be smug and say thanks to me and a few little helpers. If you must know, these ickles' names are Kelly Ashcroft and Marigold Whitaker. Gryffindor also had a couple of dedicated players. Namely Quidditch veterans Rhiannon Green and Poppy Yates. What? The enticing game happened months past and has since then been superseded by more... let's call them 'Momentous occasions', which some people are still trying to ignore into oblivion because they haven't mastered a good Memory Charm. But here is a summary collected from my remarkable memory: Blood purist Endicus bribed Slytherin to take out muggleborn Wright, Toor and Gravenor had their own private Shuntbumps match on the ground (don't think dirty), Rhiannon had a case of pissed mother hen and took it out on Ashtray, Second years Kettlebum (Emory) and Ford Anglia (Connor) bromanced, the ugliest Thanrion and Andromeda Galaxy slept through the game, Poppy only woke up after she got smacked in the head, Tagnik'zur is a git, Wilson Webley displayed his attraction to the female gender by attacking Yates' robes, Karliah Whisp's name is excellent for nicknaming, Wright hit on me and Solstice stalked me, and more, but you shan't have it. Instead, I will tell you this---and pay heed, Slytherins, for I will not repeat it (but I guess you can read it as many times as you want or whatever): twice a champion doesn't equal greatness. Moreover, this win wasn't even a team effort. A number of you Snakeskin-wearing Huffinclawdors were dead weight and absolutely abysmal on the pitch. So abysmal, in fact, that you are forcing me to compliment two of the most pain-in-the-arse Slytherins that I have ever had the displeasure of acquainting: Ashcroft and Whitaker who, at least, made valiant efforts to send Gryffindors to the Hospital Wing. I present to you, then, but three of an infinite number of tips you would do to remember next time we play the rough sport. THE PARSELMOUTH'S THREE TOP TIPS FOR SLYTHERIN SUCCESS: 1. Friend or foe or useless sack of bacon you never glanced twice at in the corridors; show no mercy. You can kiss and kick and belittle after the game. Game time means bruise time. Besides, if your friend or foe can't take a simple concussion, then they are not worthy of their respective titles. 2. Train those muscles, hone those reflexes! Lift weights, run laps, get on that broom, pummel first years. Do something to bulk up during this cold war. 3. I will but repeat Slytherin Quidditch's motto. It is for you to imbibe and employ in your every venture. Heroes get remembered, legends never die. QUIDDITCH - a reflection by Hank Chamberlain. 60 - 20. 80 - 40. 30 - 20. These are the scores (prior to snitch points) of last year's quidditch games. And they look pretty good, right? Or at least, they'd look good if we had actually won them. But we didn't. We lost. All of them. They were all painful arsewhoopings that would even make You-Know-Who cry, and they were shameful. An embarrassment. No number of punishment laps that Daniel Snyder and Phaedra Wayland assigned to the team could have done something to make it better. No one really knows what happened to derail the team so badly, but whatever it was, it was nasty and seemingly inescapable — kind of like the stench emanating from Urguy after taco night in the Great Hall. SlythQuid can't be the only ones to blame though. Who do we play for? You think it's all just selfish glory? We may not be self-righteous, horn-tooting Gryffindors who lay all their accomplishments at the feet of their superiors, but we don't want to let the house down, either. There is no house to let down though. Where are you guys? Why aren't you in the stands? Why aren't you there to cheer us on? It's even more shameful than our losses. As this year's captain, I can promise to try and give you something to cheer for. But that doesn't mean crap if you're not there for us, too. So here's what we're going to do: THE PARSELMOUTH'S THREE TOP TIPS FOR QUIDDITCH SUCCESS: 1. Follow every single tip Vaughn Knightly wrote. 2. Don't let members of the team bring anything less than their A-Game to the breakfast table. Health, good grades, and making it to practice all help make for a more solid Slytherin Quidditch Team. Help your friends be the best they can be. 3. Come cheer us on at the games! Come cheer us on at practices! Come cheer us up after the games! Do you see the pattern here? House Unity, mates. It makes for a hell of a confidence boost. DUELING - a reflection by Asia Chadwick. The fact that only one member of Slytherin house made it into a dueling tournament final last year is simply unacceptable. Most will have heard of either Juliet Rosier, Jodie Jaszczak, Silvia Banagher or Adora Crawford - four of the most formidable recent Slytherin graduates with their name engraved upon dueling tournament trophies. These individuals, who now pursue successful careers in either professional dueling or dueling instruction, were able to create and sustain a stellar reputation for Slytherin house during their time at our school. However, while Phaedra Wayland placed second the intermediate tier final last year and is clearly on her way to becoming one of the elite, the rest of Slytherin house performed appallingly last year and our esteemed graduates would be disgusted to learn of the erosion of their dueling legacy by sub-par Slytherin duelists. Phaedra, keep on doing what you're doing. You are clearly an excellent Slytherin student. But for the rest of you, however, we have worked hard to bring you three simple tips - so that you, too, may one day taste success. THE PARSELMOUTH'S THREE TOP TIPS FOR DUELING SUCCESS: 1. Don't spend any time over thinking last year's failures. Get straight back into the dueling chamber - duelists don't improve by wallowing in self-pity! 2. Seek out the help of older students. Or, on second thoughts, seek out the help of Phaedra Wayland. She seems to be the only Slytherin duelist who knows what she's doing right now, after all. 3. Spend time looking at Gryffindor, Ravenclaw and Hufflepuff's dueling tournament trophies in the trophy room. If inferior students can manage to place in the dueling tournament, superior Slytherins should have no problem being successful. Tell yourself this and get straight back to work in the chamber - you'll notice an immediate improvement. So, there you have it, snakes! Make sure to follow The Parselmouth's top tips for success this year. Shackling will be inevitable for those who do not. written by Vaughn Knightly, Henry Chamberlain and Asia Chadwick 

Finally, Slytherins, The Parselmouth is proud to present to you the third and final installment of our Meet the Professors series! This time we’re looking at our last two Professors, Urguy and Mendelssohn. PROFESSOR URGUY URHGA GHARUGH AHGAR GHARUGH HGHAIR! These are the trivial sounds that one hears every time they cross the Hogwarts grounds, the new howl in the night that has ickle firsties shaking in their boots at the prospect of taking Care of Magical Creatures. Urguy. One name. Whether it's his first name or his last name, we can't exactly guess. We can't exactly be sure he can say it, because the man can barely string together an English sentence. There isn't even a record that he attended Hogwarts at all that this reporter can find. The only thing we know for certain, my fellow snakes and snakettes, is that Urguy is really, really good with animals. Despite the putrid stink of rotting Hippogriff flesh emanating off the creature that Weasley deemed fit to educate us, Professor Urguy has this inexplicable talent of making full flocks of Diricawls follow him. There's even been a rumor that he domesticated a Nundu, and learned how to communicate with dragons. Which must have been quite the feat, considering he can barely communicate with his own students. Urguy likes nonhumans. Urguy likes mud. But most of all, Urguy likes Urguy. He is the happiest clam of a caveman that the naked eye has ever seen, and if your olfactories can take it, you'll probably like him too. Plus, he's got a banging tree house in the Forest. 5 Galleons to the person who breaks into it first. PROFESSOR MENDELSSOHN Are plants really her best friends? Considering she teaches Herbology, anyone may hazard that guess. What really is the enigma behind Professor Mendelssohn? Maybe it’s the fact that ever since she started teaching Herbology, everyone and I mean everyone has started paying attention to a class that usually contains deadly plants that can strangle you when not handled properly. However, there is one thing we all agree on: she makes Herbology fun. Why? Because Professor Mendelssohn is cool. Just look at her. She dresses better than most of the other Professors at Hogwarts. She actually doesn’t look like an old lady and really, she isn't bad on the eyes. I would rather take lessons from a former professional Quidditch player than anyone else at this school. I also know that as a Slytherin she can probably use that beater's bat to hit anyone in the head when they aren't paying attention. That's reason enough to want to do well in her class. She is definitely the better looking of our new Herbology duo. Just how does she achieve those flawless curls? She probably uses the tears of the first years to get that glossy shine. Just appreciate that as Slytherins we have a fabulous Professor like her and, oh yeah, don't be late to her class. She'll let the devil's snare eat you. ————————– Well, that concludes The Parselmouth's three-piece on the wonderful Slytherin Professors! Please be aware that repeating any of the information contained within this article is entirely at your own risk - we doubt you'd want to be caught out plotting to invade Urguy's tree house, after all... written by Henry Chamberlain and Phaedra Wayland