#stagflower

Yes, they had gotten married far too young. And yes, Harry had been the most delightful surprise, but…It turned out all they had was an avalanche for the young couple (hell, they had been teenagers when they’d said “I do”) and they were drowning in it. 

The little boy was fast asleep in his cot upstairs, blissfully unaware of the tyranny/battlefield that was going on in the downstairs kitchen; between the two people that were his world.

“James, is it so much to ask that you pick up the house on your day off?”

“I’m sorry, I was busy with Ministry paperwork and Harry and the stairs had a misunderstanding - “

“All day, I was hunting down ex­-cons and you just lounge about like some cocky teenager - “

“I’m sorry, I wasn’t aware we were talking about when we were fifteen,” James spat scathingly. “I’m trying, Lil, I’m honest-to-God trying, but I’m not superhuman. Even with Hes stopping by every once and awhile I can’t do everything. But of course, when I do something you want done, I don’t get a word of thanks…”

“Yeah, yeah, but the extent of my work isn’t only filling out damn paperwork!”

“I chose to stop working the field for Harry! For you! So I could be around more and you wouldn’t have to worry all night if I was alright!”

“Yes, James, because my entire life revolves around you,” His wife replied with cold sarcasm.

“I wasn’t saying that, but even if I were - “

“Is it so much to ask for you to just…surprise me?”

“Oh, now I need to be a master of Legilimency?”

“I drop physical cues, you know.”

“Speaking of which, when was the last time we were in bed together doing anything besides sleeping?”

“Okay, now I need to spent my evenings at home pleasuring you. Time for myself is overrated, anyway.”

“This about more than that and you know it, Lily. We’ve been distant and I just…want to go back.”

“You certainly would like aroused little Lily Evans, wouldn’t you? Following your every whim and desire!”

“You never did that, and I never asked you to! I liked that you played by your own rules - “

“But now I have to play by yours!”

“That’s what marriage is! We’re supposed to be a team! You and me - together…figuring the world out, making it better for Harry! A place that we can be happy in.”

“I don’t know if I want to share that happy world with you.”

“Excuse me?”

“You heard me. I’m done. I can’t do this anymore.”

James took a deep breath, massaging the bridge of his nose. “You can spend the night at the Order headquarters, and we’ll talk more in the morning?”

“No, James. I…I can’t come back. This all just…too much.”

“Ignoring me, fine, I don’t care, but what about Harry?”

“I wanted to be a parent, but not this young!”

“Neither did I. He’s the best thing we’ve got, though.”

“Of course…”

“What?”

“I need to go.”

He protested as she headed up the stairs, throwing various objects into a bag - none of which, of course, were theirs. She picked up a framed picture of the three of them with a baby Harry, and put it face down on the dresser.

The pitter-patter of feet found their way to the master bedroom. A sleepy Harry in his thermal Quidditch-themed jammies was rubbing his eyes. “Mummy? Dad? Was’ going on?”

Lily swallowed, kissing Harry’s forehead and looking him in the eyes. “Mummy needs to go away for awhile.”

“Did’jou have another…fight?”

“Remember, Harry, this has nothing to do with you. Mums and dads have misunderstandings all the time. I love you. Don’t forget that.” She gave him a final kiss as she jaunted to the front door. And with a distant pop, she left, taking James’s heart with her.

Eyes watering, Harry looked helplessly at his dad. “Dad? Mum’ll come back soon?”

James swallowed, his own eyes welling up. “I hope so. For you, I hope so,” he murmured, lifting Harry up into the now much-too-large bed. They both lay awake for a long time, cuddled together in a room with far too many memories.

—————

Molly had invited Harry over to play with the boys that afternoon, and he was more than happy to oblige. Although no one talked about it, most of the Order knew that James and Lily’s relationship had been on the rocks. And now it had full-on crashed face-first.

James quietly nursed a cup of tea at the long table, dark circles standing out from his pale pallor. 

Hestia looked at him worriedly, whispering to Remus, who shook his head.

Sirius stood silently against the wall, face dark.

Peter was nowhere to be found. James couldn’t sum up the energy to care.

Remus quietly sat down across from him. “If you haven’t already, it’s time to tell him.”

James sank his forehead in his hands. “I…I don’t know how. How the hell do you explain to your four-year-old kid that his mother left? And that she isn’t bloody returning?” He threw his mug in his silent anger. Wordless magic from Hestia cleaned up the mess. This hadn’t been the first time, and she was sure it wouldn’t be the last.

“I knew that things were bad. Things had been awful. We haven’t spent time together in weeks, and when we do, it’s been the fights and - the only times we’ve been intimate are make-up sex, and dear Merlin, I know there are things I could do better. I just wonder if - “

“James, this isn’t all your fault,” Hestia added quietly, sitting beside Remus. “It takes two to make a…relationship work.” She avoided the word marriage for obvious reasons.

“We’ve made it four years and she just bloody decides she’s done? With no regards, no real conversation? I don’t…I don’t even know her anymore.” He trembled; with anger or hopelessness he wasn’t sure. “My wife is caring, selfless…absolutely loving towards our son. She puts in all those hours for us, not because she has to.”

There was a beat of silence as his friends struggled to find a soothing response.

Sirius went straight for the kill. “She’s staying with Snape.”

His eyes narrowed. “What the fuck are you talking about?”

“Apparently she just ran right into his open arms,” Sirius seethed. “Snape certainly doesn’t mind stopping to tell everyone he sees.”

James’s hands clenched into fists before releasing, changing the topic. “I can’t say, ‘Harry, your mum decided she doesn’t care about either of us anymore and she doesn’t give a flying fuck what happens to us.’”

“Certainly not with that language.” Sirius failed to lighten the mood.

His head refusing to stop pounding, he took a sip of the tea that had somehow materialised during their conversation. “I can’t do this by myself.”

“We’ll help you,” Hestia told him earnestly. “If you need some of us to stay with you, or you need to stay with some of us - “

“No, I’m not going to be coddled after. I need to do this.”

————

For Harry’s fourteenth birthday, he and his dad went to the Quidditch World Cup with his aunts, uncles, and the Weasleys (who may as well have been pseudo-family too). They cheered all night long, and after the big win, they headed to the pub to celebrate.

They all cheered their mugs of butterbeer, laughter filling the hall. “Alright, next round on me!” James called, a grin on his face. He moved towards the bar to let a waitress know when he saw an unparalleled pair of green eyes. She sat on a nearby barstool, quietly sipping on an indiscernible beverage. He put in his order, refusing to make eye-contact. She had cut off communication ten years ago and she wasn’t going to get to waltz right back into their lives. He’d worked damn hard to raise the son she had chosen not to. She was paler than she had once been, and her hair was streaked with more gray than a woman her age ought to have. 

With that, James turned around, heading back to the huge party he had entered with. His face blank, he sat down next to Sirius. 

“Oi, Dad, you look like you swallowed a pygmy puff!” Harry pointed out jokingly.

“I’m fine. Just was reminded of somebody from a long time ago.”

“You’re getting old, mate,” Sirius chortled. “Reminicising about the ‘good ol’ days’ already?”

James brought himself back to the present. “Yeah, just remembered that time you convinced Gilbert Sullivan that he was dying of dragon pox.”

“That’s awful!” A brunette, bookish friend of Harry’s from school - Hermione - exclaimed.

“Now let me tell you…” Sirius began melodramatically.

Life went on. 

Harry would go on to graduate from Hogwarts, became an Auror, get married to little Ginny Weasley, and have children of his own. And he did all of that without the woman who had walked out on him and his father when he was only four.

———

Since the incident, the worse possible moment in his entire bloody life, all he could do was think. Where had he gone wrong? What had caused her flight? Had he said something that drove her mad? What kind of person was he if she could live with him, sleep with him, spend every day with him but then not want to marry him?

He was a fucking twat. The girl of his dreams had decided he wasn't worth it and made life a nightmare. On almost a scheduled basis, his mind would wrack itself for the reason. It had to have been him, because she was flawless.

At first, he had been in shock - standing there, a woman in white fleeing his presence - and that his mates could handle. They had listened to him bitch and moan and curse her name with every colourful word in his vocabulary while providing him the drinks. Carrying his drunk arse home they had tucked him in and watched over him. Even Remus, who was the closest of his friends to her, had stuck by his side.

It had been...what, three weeks? Four? Who gave a rat's ass? His reason for living was gone; she had made herself his love and joy...Now he was a hopeless shell of his former self.

Every once and awhile a mate would pop over to make sure he was bathing and that he hadn't died, but they all left with a pitying look on their faces. It was atrocious. The entire universe felt bad for him. James doubted he would ever be able to move on from the girl.

If she had just broken up with him, yeah, he would have been devastated. His chest felt like it had an eternally bleeding wound, sucking him dry - because he'd been so close. Got down on one knee, she gleefully accepted, and they moved on to plan the happily-ever-after.

Even James should have known better than that. After countless rejections, who gets that eternal happiness? No-one that he knew of, although he'd been delusional enough to believe it.

A pounding on his door reminded him that there was life outside of his sodding apartment - the one that for some time had held her vanity and her armchair and theirthings. He was surprised he hadn't burned the entire place down yet.

"Come in," he groaned, not bothering with enchantments or security questions. Actually, he wouldn't mind so much dying right now. That would be a nice, quick end to his miseries. Momentarily he imagined Mulciber coming in to fulfill his promise to make his life hell. Congratulations, mate, his bloody ex-fianceehad done that for him already.

His world was such a blur that when the ginger-haired witch entered his flat his heart stopped. Why the fuck would she come back here? To rub it in? "What the hell are you doing here?"

"Is that any way to greet your mum?" The figure replied. Oh. It was Hes.Moaning, he turned over on the couch. "Lee'me alone."

"Nope. Up we go. Remus sent me. You're going to get out of this dingy room today." James quirked an eyebrow in response. In what universe was he going anywhere?

"We can either do this the easy way or the hard way, James." She pulled out some fresh-baked rolls and jam from a basket (when had that appeared?) and began to prepare one. "I suppose we could do a little of both. I could eat the biscuits andforce you to take a shower."