#st06

“Not all the songs are from my perspective,” Andrew replies nonchalantly. He continues setting up the lights they needed for filming. Adam looks up, annoyed. Andrew sighs. “I’m okay. There I answered your question, now help me with this.” Adam obliges.

…

so i’m a liar, sue mei did what i had toyou never wanted to hurt mebut i did it for you

now you’re happy, without meam i the fool?i should be angrybut i’m happy for you

…

Ryan stares at his reflection in his phone’s blank screen, waiting… Yeah, seems like he forgot, no surprise there. Groaning, Ryan drops his phone on the pillow next to his head, and rolls over to where his laptop is. He lifts the lid and sighs. It’s looking like another solo brainstorm session.

Ryan clicks around aimlessly and accidentally opens a draft of a song he’s writing: ‘For You’. It’s incomplete, much like his life. Ryan cringes at his own thought. It’s been years but he’s still not over it.

Shane has a girlfriend now, and he’s happy. In fact, he’s so happy that he’s probably on a date with her right now, completely forgetting that he agreed to help Ryan out with coming up with ideas for their next videos. Ryan swears he’s not bitter, he swears he’s happy for Shane.

…

it’s not the samein two different citieswho can i blame?i just stood there and watched you leave

spinning round and roundwaiting for your calli’m still holding onnothing else matters more

if this is all there isthen i’m sorry to saythis is where it all endsthere’s no other way

…

This isn’t working. Andrew smacks his face onto the dining table, this is the fifth batch already. Adam has since been long gone, went home to get ready for work. Andrew lifts his head slightly, only to bring it back down onto the table. Hard. He repeats it several times, hoping the pain would give him some clarity of mind.

As fledgling YouTubers, the cards were already stacked against them. But now with his own ineptitude, Andrew’s certain he’s gonna delete the entire subscriber-base that he and Adam had worked so hard to build. Andrew groans, it’s loud and dragged out, and interrupted by a knock on his front door.

It’s probably Adam, having forgotten his jacket or keys or something. Andrew doesn’t care. He shuffles over to open the door, ready to make a snippy remark about Adam’s poor memory. But the words he planned dies in his throat as he realizes who’s standing there. It’s not Adam.

“Ryan?”

The man waves tiredly, a wry smile on his lips. Then his eyes suddenly grow comically large as he points at Andrew’s forehead.

“You’re bleeding!”

Andrew lifts his hand to touch his forehead and sure enough, it pulls back with a thick, bright red liquid covering his fingers.

“So I am,” Andrew states matter-of-factly, completely unperturbed.

…

i got a problemyeah, i got a problem with youdon’t pretend you don’t knowwhat’s the matter with you?

all i wanted to bewas just your friendand that would be the end of itbut you had to goand ruin everythingwith your stupid beautiful facewhat the hell

i got a problem with youi got a bone to pickdon’t pretend you don’t knowwhat i want from you

…

With Andrew all patched up, Ryan can finally relax. He tosses the towel he used into the sink, there is an obscene amount of red on the towel, the sink, and everywhere in between.

Andrew leaves the bathroom without so much as a ‘thank you’, eliciting an eye-roll from Ryan, even though no one is around to witness it. He follows his friend out to the dimly lit dining room.

“What are those?” Ryan points at the weird lumps on the table.

“They’re SUPPOSED to be giant cinnamon rolls.” Andrew sighs, and runs a hand down his face in dramatic fashion, decidedly avoiding the bandage on his forehead.

“Oh yeah, I see it now. I thought they looked like baked poop emojis… no offense!” Ryan gingerly prods the rolls, wondering if they would collapse on themselves as he did that. Andrew for the most part didn’t look angry, just tired.

“None taken. They did turn out pretty shitty.” Ryan bites back a laugh. “So what brings you here tonight?”

“Oh, the usual: boredom, loneliness, heartbreak,” Ryan replies, faux-cheerily. Andrew raises an eyebrow before giving a sympathetic smile.

“Yikes. Sounds bad.” Ryan simply shrugs in response, there isn’t much to be said about his situation, Andrew already knows most of the details. And reciprocally, Andrew had shared his own problems with Ryan. Critically, the one involving a certain someone whose name begins with the letter ’s’ and ends with the letter ‘Lim’.

It’s the main reason Ryan came over in the first place, none of his other friends can relate to his plight to the same degree that Andrew does. Granted, it’s still ways off from complete understanding but it’s better than nothing.

“How’s the side-business going?” Ryan asks as he flips through the notebook that was lying on an otherwise empty chair.

Andrew doesn’t answer verbally, only giving Ryan a weary thumbs-down. Scanning line after smudgy line, an idea suddenly dawns on Ryan.

“What if I helped you out? I may know jackshit about baking, but songwriting… I do know a thing or two.”

Andrew looks hesitant, he scratches at his beard absentmindedly. He’s the sort who would refuse to admit he needs help even when he’s completely and utterly at wit’s end. Closing his eyes, he sighs, tension leaving his body. Ryan knows he’s giving in.

“Okay, but I’m helping you too.”

“Deal.”

…

normally i can be cooland keep it togetherbut when i’m around youi can’t control myself

boy, oh boyyou just had to do me like thisjust one smile from youoh, and i melt away

…

“Do I really have to?” Andrew mumbles, he’s not exactly thrilled with this idea.

He and Ryan are in his living room, everything has been set up to film him performing one of his songs. They spent the past few weeks working on Andrew’s songs, some old, some new, but all Steven-related.

“Just trust me… even if you don’t post this online, you’ll be glad to have something to look back at,” Ryan assures him, while adjusting the lens on the camera to get the focus right.

Andrew pokes at one of the keys on the piano, the sound that it creates is shaky and uncertain, which is exactly how Andrew is feeling. Not many people know about this side of him. He’s always been too scared to sing in front of an audience, performing one of his original compositions is ever further out of the question.

What if he’s not good? What if people hate his voice? Or his lyrics? Ryan said he didn’t have to publish this online but… he can’t stop his mind from wandering into those dark thoughts. Worse still, what if HE hates it? What if he hates his own singing? His own voice?

A weight finds it way onto Andrew’s shoulder, pressing down so suddenly that Andrew jumps up, knocking his knees against the piano. Ouch.

“Hey, hey… relax. You got this.” Ryan’s smiling assuringly, he squeezes Andrew’s shoulder lightly. “You got an amazing voice, believe me… I’m actually jealous.” This line gets some laughter from Andrew, who shakes his head disbelievingly.

“Alright, here goes nothing…”

…

something’s differentmaybe it’s just mebut when you talkall i’m hearing isblah, blah, blah…

has the curse finally been broken?please let it bei’ve had enoughi did my time

…

“Nope, no way. ‘Bergara guitarrar’ is not happening.” Ryan is shaking his head so violently his glasses almost fly off. Shane merely laughs at his objection.

“I mean you don’t actually have to do it just because the hashtag is trending. I’m not going to force you to…” Shane trails off, a trying-to-look-innocent smile on his face. Ryan swears he can see the effort Shane is putting into trying to pop out a halo, and it annoys the hell out of him.

“What the fuck, Shane?! The entire reason you started the hashtag is to pressure me into doing it!” Ryan angrily snatches the bowl of popcorn out of Shane’s hands and stuffs his face with a handful. If he didn’t, he might end up saying something he’d regret.

“You got me there.” The playful energy in Shane deflates, as does his posture. Normally, this action puts a hole in Ryan’s heart but today it sits steeled, unpunctured. He needs to stay strong for this.

Ryan sets the bowl down on the table, one set of fingers clawing away at the popcorn, the other swiping across the trackpad on his laptop. The webpage is scrolling, slowly, but his eyes aren’t focused on the words. He doesn’t have the energy to read.

When he broke up with Shane years ago, he convinced the both of them that it’s because it wasn’t working. That Ryan didn’t feel the same way towards his boyfriend like he did before. But all of it was a lie. The real reason he ended the relationship was for Shane’s sake, the other man was still too uncomfortable with his own sexuality. Shane merely pushed onwards to please him, Ryan was certain of it.

He had initially though that Shane was just being awkward in a new relationship but as the months dragged on, it became abundantly clear that the whole experience was setting Shane on the edge. And that wasn’t what Ryan wanted for him, he didn’t want Shane to force himself to confront his bisexuality when he wasn’t ready. He didn’t want Shane to be miserable just so Ryan can date him, that’s a fucked-up relationship. Hence the break up.

It had initially devastated Shane but Ryan could see the tension in him dissolving over the next few days. Despite the uphill battle, they did eventually manage to return to being just friends. Ryan is certain that never in a million years will he regret his decision, but part of him still wishes that they can get back together. And that part has been getting louder and more insistent over time. Right now, however, all he wants is for Shane to go away.

Too bad the universe hates him, as Shane maneuvers around the dining table just to face him. He flips the chair around and sits backwards on it, leaning forward against the backrest. Ryan doesn’t look up from the screen but imagines Shane resting his head on his crossed arms.

“Ryan,” Shane pleads, sounding more tired than Ryan has ever heard him. “I just think it’s a waste to not showcase that talent of yours.” Ryan doesn’t buy it.

“Bull. Shit. You want to embarrass me.” His patience is running thin but Shane doubles down on his objective, much to Ryan’s chagrin. He leans in and lowers the lid on Ryan’s laptop, looking him straight in the eye. When Ryan refuses to maintain visual contact, Shane seizes the bowl and Ryan instinctually glares at him.

“I don’t. Serious! I’m not saying this simply because you’re my friend, but you got a gift! You should unleash it onto the world!” Ryan waves a hand, physically dismissing Shane’s compliment with certain irritation. He has a point, those words are almost identical to the ones he told Andrew last week, but he refuses to let Shane win.

“Yeah, yeah… still not happening.” Ryan raises the lid of his laptop back up, he cracks his knuckles and begin typing away. “Can we just focus on the research?

Shane sighs heavily, nodding reluctantly. He has given up, for now… Ryan knows him better than to think that he has seen the end of this.

…

back to the startjust a stranger to you nowno matter what i doyou won’t turn around

finally got to know youthen you just had to leave mebehind with all these memoriesoh, what am i to do?

…

The videos were a huge hit, just like Ryan said they would be. Andrew absentmindedly taps his fingers on his knees, watching the numbers on his phone’s screen climb. People are still very much into it, he’s uploaded three songs now and with each one receiving more praises than the last, they aren’t looking much like a fluke.

Andrew locks his phone and tosses it onto the pillow next to him. He should be happy about the success he’s found with his music. The reactions he got were well beyond his wildest imagination. The channel tripled in subscribers, and the videos individually garnered more views than all their previous ones combined. All good news. Except that one no-news.

There’s still no word from Steven, they did still message each other sporadically since Steven moved to Los Angeles to chase his dreams of starring on the silver screen. But ever since the first song went online, it’s been radio silent, and the lack of anything at all is beginning to kill Andrew from the inside. Maybe he’s on a shoot and hasn’t seen it, Adam had supplied so helpfully but they both knew that the chances of that was slimmer than Jim.

When Andrew first met Steven, he immediately changed his mind on the whole ‘love at first sight’ thing. It sounds incredibly cheesy but it’s like a fog had been lifted and rays of sun came piercing through the walls he spent years putting up. The boy was sunny, passionate, bubbly, kind, friendly, and oh so beautiful. Still is. Andrew was caught so completely off his guard that even Adam immediately noticed, and that guy lives in his own little world.

If only Andrew wasn’t so shy and reserved. The entire first month that they worked together, Andrew said nothing to him outside of the occasional instructions on where to point the camera. Their entire relationship was professional and strictly business, despite Andrew’s numerous attempts at opening up. When Steven questioned his standoffish behavior one fine day, all Andrew could return was a seizure-like spluttering noise and some brain-dead mumbling. It was an embarrassing time for everyone involved. Adam often voiced his desire to have been elsewhere when that went down.

Yet somehow, Andrew managed to convince Steven that he doesn’t hate him, and convinced himself that Steven meant more to him than just a for-hire cameraman that they found on Craigslist. The latter was easy, because it was so true. The two had so easily became friends, even closer than he and Adam was. And on the deeper, darker end, Andrew was certain he has fallen for Steven. How could he not? The man would show up on Andrew’s doorstep with his favorite pizza when he made an offhand remark about being peckish. At midnight. The extent that Steven would go just to make Andrew happy was so great that… there are no words for it. Andrew couldn’t imagine life without Steven, it was undoubtedly the best time of his life.

Then it all came to a screeching halt when Steven broke the news that he would be moving to LA after receiving an offer from an agency. He was finally going to fulfill his dreams of becoming an actor. But it just had to happen just as Andrew had finally gathered up the nerves to confess his feelings to Steven. All those words he spent countless nights preparing fell off to the side as he pulled Steven in for a congratulatory hug. Everything went downhill from there. Even now, almost an entire year later, Andrew can still recall the very words he wanted to say.

He needs to get out of here, he needs some fresh air to clear his mind. Andrew picks up his phone and grabs a jacket off the side table that he’s certain belongs to Adam. Keys. Wallet. Socks. And slip into shoes. Ready to leave, he pulls open the door and immediately freezes. At the bottom of the steps is a human-like figure. The stranger looks up and… that’s not a stranger, at least not in the literal sense. Then again, these days, Steven had become so distant that he’s basically one foot into foreign territory.

Andrew’s throat tightens, he wasn’t expecting this and it’s clear from Steven’s expression that he wasn’t expecting Andrew to open the door when he did. The two men remain frozen for several beats too long, neither were sure of what to do. Steven’s the first to break the silence.

“H-heading out?” Steven asks shakily, as if he were freezing. Granted, it can be objectively considered cold but this is nothing for Boston. Then it hits Andrew that had Steven had probably came straight from LA, the difference in temperature is probably something he hadn’t immediately gotten used to.

“Yeah…” Andrew replies stupidly, uncertain on what exactly to say in a situation like this.

“I’ll come back some other time-” Steven starts turning away and Andrew’s heart seizes for a split second.

“Wait!” Andrew yells and Steven freezes mid-step like a scared animal. “Actually, I was hoping you could… come with? I’m just going out for a breather.” The fear on Steven’s face melts away into relief, his eyes are uncharacteristically reflective.

Andrew sprints down the steps so quickly that he couldn’t stop himself from lightly colliding into Steven, who pulls back hastily as if that slight bit of physical contact had burned his skin. The unspoken tension between them is growing thicker by the second… but Andrew knows one place that can fix this. If it doesn’t work, nothing else will.

“Little Joys?”

“That’d be nice.”

…

look at me and tell me there’s not a thingthat you see that’s pulling you in nowor maybe… there is

look at me and tell me you want thisone, two, three, leaning closer infinally… kiss me

…

Shane’s not talking to him. Ryan knew it was a bad idea from the very start. Sure, it got over a million views… but at what cost? This was so not worth it.

Ryan’s reading over the lyrics again, trying to find what could have possibly triggered such behavior in Shane. He even got Andrew, who helped write it, to look through. They both came up blank. But Ryan hasn’t stopped reading the words on his screen, trying desperately to understand what happened. This is so frustrating.

The front door slams, oh good, Shane’s home. Ryan hops off his bed and walks out to the hallway, looking to confront his friend, hoping that he’s ready to talk. But Ryan stops when his eyes land on Shane, he mentally backtracks but it’s too late for him to physically backtrack. Shane is storming down the hall, heading straight towards Ryan like a homing missile, he stops when he’s merely two steps away.

“Are you fucking with me?” Shane asks curtly, the look on his face a perfect marriage of anger and hurt. Ryan opens his mouth and leaves his jaw hanging, unsure if it’s a genuine question that he’s expected to answer. After a few more seconds of uneasy silence, Shane grunts, fierce. “Answer me, Ryan!”

“I-I… What are you talking about?” Ryan is stunned by the outrage he’s facing, he knows Shane is talking about the song but he doesn’t know what part exactly.

“THE SONG!!” Shane yells at the absolute top of his voice. The volume sends a shiver down Ryan’s spine. “Why are you fucking with me like this?!” The eye contact is bordering on lethal, and it lasted almost an entire minute before Shane breaks it and looks down. His entire body is shaking.

“I know I shouldn’t have pressured you into doing it, Ryan, and I’m really sorry, but… but-” It takes Ryan far too long to register what’s happening before his very eyes. Shane is breaking down, crying, choking on the tears he’s spilling. That’s what the shaking was. Ryan’s heart is breaking into pieces, his ribcage tightens as he forgets how to breathe. Then Shane delivers the final twist of the knife. “You know I still love you, why would you do this to me?”

The world goes quiet. There are no sounds apart from the rushing of blood in Ryan’s ears. Time stands still. The waves of emotion retreats, the winds stop. It’s the calm before the storm. Then it hits Ryan all at once like a freight train. He’s tripping over his thoughts… Shane still loved him? He didn’t trust his ears to have heard it correctly. When he finally recovers, he pushes his need to clarify.

“Y-you still love me?”

“Yes, I do and yet you…” Shane stops to steady his breathing, his chest shuddering as he does so. “You g-gave me hope and then immediately take it away. What kind of sick joke-”

“It’s not! I love you, I really do!” It’s Ryan’s turn to cry now, the years worth of bottled emotions come rushing out. “I didn’t want to break up with you but I just… I-” Shane cuts him off with a kiss. It’s desperate, it’s resolute, it’s familiar… Like listening to an old favorite song that you haven’t heard in years.

A sudden thought hits Ryan on the side of his head and he quickly pulls back. “Shit, what about your girlfriend?!”

“My wha- Irene?” Shane’s tone is incredulous, as if he cannot even grasp the concept that Ryan could possibly think that. “There’s nothing going on between us, never was… never will be.”

Ryan heaves a huge sigh of relief. Shane looks onto him with the warmest smile on his face, and the happiest look in his eyes. They lean in and kiss again, this time softer and more gentle. It’s an apology, it’s an affirmation, it’s an ‘I-miss-you’.

They have a lot to catch up on.

…

when did everything becomeoh so messybetween you and me

if we could turn time backwould you pick meover the city of dreams

…

A mere two blocks away from Andrew’s place, Little Joys Ice-Cream Parlor is one of he and Steven’s favorite hangouts. The amount of time they had spent there was staggering, they were on first-names basis with all the employees there.

When they step through the doors of the establishment, several heads turn to look, mostly the employees. There’s a mixture of smiles and nods as a form of greeting their regular customers. There are few patrons around, typical of a weekday afternoon. Andrew and Steven immediately head for the booth in the corner without so much as a second thought, it’s their usual spot.

Normally customers are supposed to go up and get their food themselves but as regulars, Andrew and Steven gets a little VIP privilege. One of the employees, Jennie, was wiping down a table earlier but seeing the duo take their seats, she happily skips over to their table.

“Hey! It’s been a while.” Jennie greets with a giggle, the soaked cleaning cloth in her right hand is dripping a puddle on the floor right next to her but she doesn’t seem to notice. “What would you boys like? The usual?”

Andrew’s not in the mood to think about exactly which flavors he wants, so he simply nods at her question. It seems that Steven’s the same way as he mirrors his action. Jennie strangely doesn’t notice that something is amiss with their behavior and accepts their orders and merrily makes her way towards the main counter.

They wait in silence for their orders to arrive, neither ready to speak. Normally they would be sitting so close that their shoulders touched, despite the fact that the booth can easily sit six people comfortably. But this isn’t normally, and right now there’s just enough space in between for Adam to comfortably third-wheel them.

But even at this distance, Andrew can still feel the tenseness radiating off Steven’s body. His own body is stiff, aching, and uncomfortable, despite the plush cushioning of the seats. He desperately wants to shuffle in closer, put his hand on Steven’s knee, lean his head on his shoulder, and make things okay again. Before he can do any of that, Steven breaks the silence.

“Are they-” His voice creaks and he forces a cough to clear his throat. Andrew watches as a million different emotions flash across Steven’s face, but he doesn’t recognize any of them. Steven rests his elbows on the table, hands clenched together. He presses his hands against his lips in a frown, sighing. Then finally he leans back and lets his arms fall at his sides, he doesn’t look at Andrew when he asks.

“The songs… are they about me?” A lump forms in Andrew’s throat but not before his heart found its way into his mouth. He wants to answer but his tongue is tied up, scared. What if this is it? What if Steven’s here to denounce their friendship? Andrew tries to reason, why would Steven fly all the way here just to tell Andrew that he never wants to see him ever again? That doesn’t make sense.

“Please tell me they’re about me. They have to be! I… I really like you and-” The urgent pleading tone that Steven has taken on forces Andrew to look at him. There are tears running down his cheeks and Andrew’s stomach drops, feeling guilty for inflicting this on his friend.

Of course, Steven feels that way about him, of course! Andrew wasn’t blind to it, so why was he so scared? He tries hard to push aside the dizzying feelings to try and confess, but his thoughts are jumbled and his mind is fuzzy. He just can’t find the right words for the moment. Unfortunately, Steven misconstrues his silence for something else entirely.

“Oh my god, of course they’re not. I’m so stupid, I flew all the way here on a stupid hunch. What was I thi-” Andrew brings a hand up to cup the side of Steven’s face, and Steven immediately shuts up. Pinky trailing Steven’s jaw, Andrew takes in a breath to prepare himself for what he’s about to do. When words don’t work, actions will. Steven’s eyes are wide with wonder and he opens his mouth to no doubt ask what’s going on, but Andrew cuts him off with a kiss.

The kiss is slow and tender, as if Steven is something fragile that Andrew’s holding between his lips. He had dreamt of this moment so many times but nothing can prepare him for the real thing. And even though the kiss lasted only seconds, when they break away, the tips of Andrew’s ears are searing hot. His breathing is shallow and his cheeks are warm.

Steven looks lost, like he’s still processing the last few seconds. Andrew can almost see the 'buffering’ spinner in his eyes. When he finally catches up, he’s smiling like the ball of sunshine that Andrew knows and loves. The serenity of the moment gets interrupted by Jennie’s untimely return with the ice-creams.

“Aww!” She just can’t help herself, can she? With her usual grace, she sets down their orders on the table. “Don’t mind me, you two lovebirds carry on.” She cheekily winks at them and saunters off.

Andrew shifts his eyes back to Steven and he’s in a shade of red that rivals a freshly-picked cherry tomato. The entire scene is just too much for Andrew and he just laughs, completely enamored by the man in front of him.

“You still haven’t answered me…” Steven pokes Andrew in the side with his finger. Andrew ignores him and proceeds to take a huge spoonful of his multiflavored desert. When Steven pokes him again, he simply raises an eyebrow and makes a noncommittal noise, earning him a third poke.

Conceding, Steven picks up his own spoon and scoops a little bit of each flavor from his bowl, mixing them up. Just as he is bringing the spoon to his mouth, he stops to take a look at Andrew’s bowl and makes a face, one that Andrew is all too familiar with.

“For the last time, Steven, red velvet is not simply adding food colouring!” Andrew mock-scolds, flipping Steven off. “Stop judging.”

Now they’re both laughing and everything in the world is right as rain, once again.

…

is this love?i don’t knowbut all i ever wanted is in front of me nowi’m stuckwhat do i do?i want to tell you that i love you but i don’t know how

i was stupid to let you goso crazily stupidi am crazy about you, y'knowso stupidly crazy

but i know better nowdon’t want us to be aparti just wanna sing it out loudto the tune of your heart!

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