A/N: Without exaggeration, this chapter has sucked all my strength, all my soul. Writing this forced, but no less magical event was a wonderful experience — but my battery charge is now critically low. In the process, I also managed to encounter so many secondary difficulty, distracting factors, that I want to raise a glass to the publication
Word count: 7,6K
Warnings: swearing, brief mentions of blood and injure, brief mentions of attempted rape, implied intimate themes, blur mentions of pregnancy and parenthood, confirmed implied xenophilia, and marriage, of course <3
(Look, that there are significantly fewer warnings than before. Here, the characters are in relative safety, provided by me as the author. But!.. I want to draw your attention to one important note. Right now, I really really really really really want to implement other ideas that have been hanging in the air due to work on "Creation". I will most likely return here in the fall — but in any case, I will keep you informed, my bunnies =(:•3) )
🎧 Ilya Beshevli — Defenceless Flower
Muffled voices argue behind the threshold. Don't have to listen, to make out about what — or rather, about who — they're talking.
"It's not enough for him to have an echo... among us... So he decided... to take her... as a wife? Talk him senses, before... it's too late. You won't be able... to be a grandmother... to grandchildren who... will not be born"
"My son has decided so. And I will not... contradict him. So has decided... his heart. If he wants... to be... with this woman... I will pray, that in ther home will live... not discord, but happiness"
From the footsteps approaching to the hut argument, so almost ending, immediately dies down. What the bickering about continues a minute later, more quietly than before, you don't hear, overcome by half-sleep.
***
Incapable to heal scar on your thigh wakes you up long before the first sunny rays.
Morning twilight, blue-purple, gives way to a pink dawn — but you can't admire, wincing in pain. You remove the bandage from your thigh, soaked in blood and ointment. This time the ointment smells different — much more mixed herbs, — and stretches behind your fingers as a sticky web. You look at the covered in blistered crusts wound. Has just begun to tighten a clean skin, has just stopped aching with any careless movement, it is torn up and crooked line. Lifelong mark of shame, that can't be removed.
Fold in half, you pull bandage back on — so as not to introduce an infection. Mangled by claws and teeth leg burning. From your hips to your ankles, you are covered in numerous scratches. On chest, also tied with a bandage over the rags of dress, and on neck, darkening bruises have spread across you. Wipe the sweat from forehead. Hands don’t obey... Everything has repeated itself, exactly as on that cursed night. All the disgusting touches imprinted on your body and your memory. All the blows. All the abrasions. There were two of them again, and there was a cruel irony. If you had clashed with the rapist one to one — it would have been easy for you to save yourself, using all boiling rage.
But you have already been saved twice by the same hands.
Your honor has already been saved twice by the same ape.
Remains of your dress tattered remind of the almost happened desecration. Bracelet on her wrist reminds of the happened courtship. Opposing arguments, clearly audible through sleep and walls, sounded like an tocsin. Vikima was right in her irreconcilability. That why Dar’s words had struck you so. Why would she indulge her son in an intention, that defied all the laws of this place, the social norms, the harsh sciences, and the highest design?.. Pulling the skin blanket, that covered you up to your ears, over your shoulders, you looked around the light-flooded hut.
Once again you lost consciousness, once again you woke up in unfamiliar place. Nest that served as a bed, in which you slept a feverish sleep, immensely wide. Menacing arsenal of several dozen different spears was placed at the threshold. Amulets with intricate carvings and blue feathers tied with braid were hung on walls. Sun sat on a carved pole standing alone, like a guard.
In a secluded, separated by hanging ribbons and barrier stakes corner — a covered cradle with a blue, fluttering in the timid breeze canopy. And a smaller nest curled up in a circle, woven from vines and huge oval leaves. Intended so, that the mother could spend all her time with the newborn, undividedly...
Absolutely everything looks not the same, as in your recent home. Even the cradle, awaiting the arrival of baby. In the hut you were settling in, the cradle was uncovered and uncurtained. Only a little white blanket lay inside, for changing. Here, the interior declares the high status of the owner.
This is indeed Noa's hut. The hut of the clan leader, who took you as his wife out of mercy.
The hut of your future husband, who is not a human. But who amazes you with humanity.
It wasn't a painful vision. It happened in reality. Noa actually did this way, that you found both unacceptable and generous.
Noa's subjects, who are still only guessing and don't know anything for sure, will probably be unpleasantly surprised by his actions. You didn't imagine the sympathy and understanding in the apes's looks, when Noa led you to his hut under cover of night. Here they really do show sympathy to you — but as an nonnative. You may be an exception to the apes rules — but you are hardly an exception to the apes standards.
You are a different species. They won't understand him.
His reputation will be tarnished by you, brought discord to the clan stranger. Apes will continue listen to him unquestioningly, but they will begin to accumulate hidden hatred directed at him. Because of the human, because of the echo. Because of you... By helping you, Noa punished himself extremely cruelly.
He, without making a sound, sleeps at the foot of the bed. On the floor...
Wasn't he supposed to lie down next to you?..
Noa protected you at his own detriment. Only your parents, — blood and foster, — had ever done that before. He never once made you doubt his integrity. Even if it took for you, that to label him same animal, like all others. Everyone else, who you had ever met, had always betrayed you. It didn't matter, who hunted your worthless carcass — both humans and apes were animals with the same behavior. Grinding your trust into dust. Beating the soul out of you, harassing, humiliating, lying. Intending to use you, and if you disobeyed — throw your corpse away like garbage.
You owe Noa everything. You don't even know, how to repay his sincerity...
In the corner, where wind is shaking canopy over the cradle, a scurrying sound can be heard. Daisy painstakingly rummaging around in her cage, unaccustomed to it thinking about hiding. Need to get up quietly, to calm her.
At the head of bed stands a deep, bowl filled to the brim with fish and berries, aside lying a spear with curved handle and a pistol. Little further away stands your shoes, with stuck to the toes blades of grass.
Count the bullets — not two, but four. On handle engraved the same symbol as at everything, that bastards in settlement shoot with. What the hell were they doing here? Were they really tracking you, like that time, when they caught in their trap weak rabbit?
If so, how come the gun, important thing, ended up in the grass and no one came back to pick it up? Four lost bullets — is four missed opportunities to pick up your trail. Or, did one of the bastards defend themselves clumsily, squandering their advantage by trying to riddle the night? Although it is not entirely clear — who scared these arrogant daredevils so much? ... What is clear, is that Noa didn't find all the bullets scattered in the thicket for nothing. And carved a five-inch wooden weapon, shaped to fit shape of your hand, suitable for hiding, forgetting, and using only when necessary.
Took you under his protection, Noa still left you free to defend yourself. God, Nature, Destiny, and the Universe — everything, that you prayed to in desperate moments, — took pity on you, when Noa came your way. From the first time you met, he cared for you. So unusual for that bloodthirsty, immoral species of animals, that chimpanzees were known as in human gossip. People, who's you lived with under a pile of rusty metal were foaming at the mouth to prove — these animals, obsessed with war, blood, and debauchery, must be exterminated. Now you understood — people, who's you lived with have been looking in others for the vices, that had consumed their souls.
If Noa were as that, as according to gossip, so bloodthirsty and depraved, would he be so outrageous polite?
If Noa were as that, as apes are painted by slander, the same, as the bastards from the settlement — would he have left you untouched, when you yourself agreed to something, that is wild to even think about?..
Admiring turquoise shades of beads of the bracelet, that serves as a wedding ring. You smile with sadness and flattery — among the acquisitiveness and coercion, this is an unjustifiably expensive gift.
How did this feeling sprouted in Noa? How did this sympathy grow inside him?
In the three months, that you've known each other, you've only managed to separate his behavior from the ubiquitous manly behavior that you're tired of tolerating. And he's managed to figure out what he feels for you — and not push with feelings. If it weren't for yesterday, Noa would've simply given you bracelet as a confession. And it would've been the first romantically tinged gift in your entire life. You would've accepted this gift anyway, and you would had opportunity to think about what answer Noa without haste. But two pairs of greasy paws interfered with his measured plan.
Salvation from shame. That's that, what Noa offered you in the middle of the night-swept forest. If you returned to your hut in such a shabby state — everyone without exception would think, that you had been toyed with, like a slut. Everyone would decide, that this was treatment you deserved. Everyone would criticize, avoid. Someone would definitely try to have fun with you again. You would've to run away again. But where would you go, if everyone you plead for help ignored your pleadings?
With a hasty decision, Noa saved you from wanderings, that would've drained the last of your meager strength. From condemnation. From bullying. From any violence, that could be foreseen.
Even if you hadn't had an accident last night, and Noa had nothing to interfere with — he'd already done too much for you.
All his displays of protection were patronage.
Everything in him spoke of feelings in hints.
Noa grumbles, rolling over. The floor is hard, uneven. His shoulder blades are sure to spasm. He is the one respected by everyone, from young to old. He is the rightful ruler. He could've demanded, not offered, that you become his wife, if that is his desire. He could've demanded that you fulfill all his whims. He could've intimidated you so much, that you would whine like a puny little dog... And he lies at your feet, like a servant.
"Get in bed... Please" you squat down in front of Noa, barely touching his shoulder. He immediately wide open his eyes. So, the sleep was superficial and he is exhausted.
"You... could not... sleep..." in confirmation of your thoughts, Noa yawns, baring his fangs. You are not afraid, move closer to him. "...if I... was lay next to you"
"After your proposal, which I accepted of my own free will, we will always be close from now on" you hesitantly look away. Persistently convince yourself of your own words, while Noa remains sitting on the floor, in the same hesitation. "So lie down and sleep, while there is at least a little time... And don't do it again. It's not customary in couples to sleep separately"
"We have not yet sealed... the alliance... with the Rite of Bonding. Y/N, you can still... back out. If you don’t want. Or if... you’re afraid" Noa’s voice is so hoarse and quiet, that you barely hear it, having taken just a few steps away.
What a rite? As twisted, as in the dungeon?
Mere thought, that it could be the same everywhere — after all, the wife becomes the undivided property of the husband, and this must be proclaimed, this must be boasted about — makes your palms shake and your knees buckle. You don't bend over Daisy, who continues to scrape the bottom of the cage, but fall helplessly off your feet. You stroke the snorting rabbit snout with her dissatisfied nose.
When did her skinny little body become plump, rounded? Why does she flatly refuse to let anyone touch her swollen belly? Is she really expecting little rabbits?
For some reason, it's habits of fussing rabbit finally bring you to what worries you in this unforeseen situation mostly.
You wrap yourself in a blanket, pacifying the contradictions. There is no roudabound path for this. This needs to be discussed. And the sooner, the better. In those books you read, it's written in black and white — between humans and anthropoid apes are thouthands years of evolutionary differences.
Genetic mismatches. Obstacles.
This means, you can come to terms with your new status and become Noa's devoted companion. You can fit into Noa's home so that you become its comfort, its integral part. You can open up to Noa, tell him all your secrets with utmost frankness. You can, if you already respect Noa immensely and unconditionally, subsequently try to give him a semblance of affection. You can even, if Noa continues to help you get rid of your fear of other men, decide to give him your virginity and share bed with him — precisely because he didn't seek to take your virginity by force... But you will not be able to conceive viable offspring. Because of obstacles, that cannot be overcome.
Walls are narrowing, causing dizziness. There is nothing to hide. You would like to start a family in the future. And, despite your fear of all the men living on Earth, you imagined, what would be like your future husband, to whom you would bear healthy children. This is completely natural. Noa, being older and possessing local power, was probably already looking at those females, who would be thrifty wives and bear strong offspring. And this is also completely natural. On a planet, prone to all disasters, immunity of the offspring — most important priority. Interspecies offspring, even weak and sick, is impossible a priori.
So why does Noa need a wife, from whose union the cradle, intended for offspring, will be empty?
Out loud, leaving aside all secondary questions, you try to say exactly this.
“If any of us should back out, it certainly shouldn’t be me...” you start from afar, not knowing how to continue.
"If you... agreed... Why would I... back out?" Noa asks, still watching you. Tone of his voice is as firm, as when he offered you the impossible.
"Pity for me will deprive you of descendants" lump in your throat tightens like a noose. But it's better that you say it now, than to console Noa and yourself with omissions and delusions. "After all, no matter what rites we seal the union with, I will never be able to bear you children, Noa. That's why"
Delicate fabrics, that decorate the cradle, flutter waves in the summer breeze.
It's light outside, but here footfall of darkness hasn't cleared yet. Noa sighs, looking at you with a look, wounded by the merciless truth. He doesn't say a word. Not a single word. You are separated by silence again. Hanging lights above the bed highlight the green of his eyes. Color of the lush foliage on the spreading trees, under which you hid during long, freezing rain. Color of endless meadows on summer equinox.
Talking about such topics with Noa, especially while being in the same room with him, especially having already essentially agreed to have connection with him, is almost physically uncomfortable. How to discuss with him those interactions between a man and a woman, that precede the birth of a new life?.. How to discuss conception with him?.. How to discuss intimacy with him?.. What do apes call this form of love, if even people call it obscene? Copulation?.. Mating?.. Banal reproduction?..
Will you ever be able to discuss with Noa any kind of expression of love?...
Hand, that you stroked over Daisy, who had settled in comfortably, but was still snorting, trembled uncontrollably. Had been sitting quietly on the perch, Sun began to rumble. You pulled the curtains over the scraps of fabric, to change into one of the few folded in a pile, washed shirts.
Noa can't answer you, realizing, that he's trapped himself. Noa stares at your silhouette. No matter how hard you try to hide it, to fight it, you're afraid of his stare, sliding over your body. He's done everything, what was in his power, to make you stop being afraid of him. But he alone can't overcome all your years of trauma.
It will take you more than one season, more than one year, to stop comparing Noa to others, to the faceless misogynistic crowd. Much more time. And it doesn't matter, that the comparisons are already always in his favor.
Noa scares you, because he's a man.
You scare yourself, because you look at Noa, like he's a man.
Understanding, that you allow for intimacy with Noa in the distant future, even if only theoretically — you don’t know, where to hide from the experiences that have flooded your soul. It’s sense of duty that speaks in you, that’s all. Noa, having acquired you by his side, won’t remain celibate... It would be better for you to think about this assumption later. Where his intent, probing gaze isn't present.
Noa's breathing is loud, abrupt. He turns his body in the direction of your shadow behind the waves of fabric. His nostrils flare, his lower lip curves. His shoulders tense. The veins on his neck stretch... You check to see, if he's going to break down now, when everything is in place to use you at his discretion. You're walking on the edge, but you know — Noa won't do it. For some reason, his self-control prevails over his animal instincts. Not a single boor you've met, who considers himself a man, was not like that. If one of them were in Noa's place now, your piety would be torn apart along with your clothes in an instant...
You step out of the curtains back into the light, adjusting the stiff collar of your shirt and trying to distract yourself from your chaotic, unnatural thoughts. In vain. Because Noa begins to tell you about a simple, but no less eloquent, rite.
Part of you selfishly wants to ask, completely forgetting about any fears, what did Noa see in you, that would make him deliberately go against the authority of society and the world order? One question would cross out dozens of other questions, that arose unintentionally. But you cannot bring yourself to ask about it — you will choke on embarrassment. So you hesitate. And prepare to go about your daily routine, before you begin preparing for the rite, after which your life will never be the same.
"Elder Wives will prepare you. Adjust your clothes, braid your hair, apply... paint to your face. And bring you to the Place of Bonding, where... I will wait for you. When the sun hides behind the hills, Elders will... bless us. We will... exchange things dear to our hearts. And vows. And we will return here as... a single whole"
"Bonding" — Noa had said the word twice before, and with incredible reverence. Bonding — is nothing less, than equality. You were already accepted here, as an equal. You hadn't expected more. But right now, Noa was saying, that being a woman, you wouldn't be his trophy — you would be his complement. In the life, that you've lived, women couldn't claim equality. That — and for another, more serious reason, — is why you can't believe your ears.
In the corners of your eyes gathering rain, that you can't stop.
About what awaits you soon, Noa speaks southingly and lovingly.
"Why do you need all this?" you squall, immediately shrinking to a confused whisper. You can't believe, that he's willing to spend his whole life with you, unsuitable for him in key critery.
"Why do you... talk to me... for the first time... when you saw a rabbit in a trap?" Noa answers your question with a question, walking up, when you put on your shoes. Catching you by surprise.
"Then it just felt right" you don't avoid Noa's eyes, look at him directly and answer honestly. Considering, what you have in common now, it would be difficult to lie.
"And it seemed right to me to become your... shield. I don’t know how to explain... I wanted, that you... not to be afraid. But I did not pity you. I admired you. Even when you looked like finished fowl, you... fought. I realized, that I wanted to protect you from... battles. I want to fight for you myself, Y/N"
From Noa's words, spoken so simply and so sincerely, you try not to burst into tears, closing your eyes. Just think, he's not afraid to anger the heavens...
He's not talking about fleeting infatuation, but about selfless love.
"Any relationship is based on satisfying needs. World we live in, is primitive. Two-faced. Everyone needs something... So what do you need from me? What will I have to do, to repay you?"
So what could Noa possibly need from you? You spent years in deprivation. Unlike you, Noa never lacked anything — much less, needed anything. Only thing you can do for Noa — is ruin his life, by bringing complexities.
But Noa, knowing this, chose you consciously.
"Don't say that. I don't need anything. Except... your safety. I'll be proud, if... you... let protect you. Keep you"
"Get me right... I... can't give you that, what marriages were invented for by our ancestors. I can't get it myself!.." you clutch your buzzing temples, sitting on the edge of the nest, hiding from Noa behind tangled hair. And you cry, choking on broken hopes about how joyful it would be to live, with a family and peace of mind, in a house on a hill. Far from all the strife.
"Would it have been better, if one of the... scavengers... had made you... servile?" now sitting at arm's length from you, Noa asks still quietly, but urgently and almost angrily. Fear gnaws at you constantly. So you just stare ahead, tearful. "On the weapon... smell of one of them. I blamed myself for the murder. I... regretted. But... one of them is definitely alive and... following you. Now I regret, that I couldn't... finish off"
"Why don't you just give me back to them?" you immediately fill with rage at the thought of the slavers, and look at Noa over your shoulder. You know, that only someone without a conscience would do that. "If they're wandering around here with weapons, to hunt me down, then I'm putting your clan in danger"
"You are embittered... at your species. I can see it in you. Long before I met... you... I was dissapointed on my kind. It turned out, among us there were despots. I understood you. And... I wanted you to be safe. Here. Among the apes. Without echoes. But... yesterday... I became angry at my kind. I did not think, that among us there were too... scavengers" Noa shakes his head, holding out his palm. So that his calloused fingers barely touch your scratched, trembling fingers. "Evil inside is independent... of species. So I will not give you to them"
In the touch not even drop of vulgarity. Trembling subsides, and it seems unbearable, to feel calm from Noa's actions and words.
You are surprised, that Noa, from whom fluently speech is still not so easy, speaks almost without hesitation. Because you cannot string together even a few truly correct words, to clearly express, what is happening in your head. Noa holds your hand in his, but you don't respond to touch.
You know, how to respond blows, how to break free from a grip, how to attack — perhaps, because of this you don't remember, how respond to touch, that doesn't entail pain, damage, scars...
"What difference does it make, who I’m embittered at? Whatever you say, Noa, I don’t understand, why you did it. Everyone you know doesn’t support you in your decision. Even if they want to. Your mother and your friends will, certainly, try to understand you. But you will have enemies. And the Elders, even having blessed us, will continue to feel disgust towards me. Because I am a human. Echo, just like those, who have been exterminating apes for generations. I don’t even want to talk about the fact, that I cannot be your equal. You are the leader. Hopes placed on you. Even if you choose me, I will not be able to become the leader and justify the hopes for prosperity. I would like to convince you otherwise, Noa. For your own good"
You want to run away from the nest headlong, but his palm clasps your wrist, on which the bracelet shines, as if he about to drown and only you are keeping he on the surface. You feel new streams of tears. And you give in.
"...But in such cases," you feel new streams of tears. And you give in. "my mother used to say, "There will be day — there will be food"
About that is what your foster mother said so wisely and allegorically, Noa doesn't need to know. About that your biological mother was infected with the mute virus and spoke only with gestures, Noa also doesn't need to know.
You will certainly tell him everything about that life, which from this evening will remain tens of miles away. About that life, which you would like to forget completely — but which will always send you reminders.
Sometime later...
For now, all Noa needs to know, is that you, blinking back tears, agree with him, understanding, how difficult it will be to follow the path that has become joint.
“Then... you need to eat" catching himself before you leave, Noa interprets expression literally.
Noa hands you a bowl filled with food, making you smile, and then laugh. You try explain to him the figurative meaning of phrase, after which — start eating with appetite.
Before this difficult dialogue, you wouldn't have been able to swallow a bite, but after discussing what happened with Noa, at least a little confidentially, you happily satiate yourself with the pleasant fattiness of the fish. Mixed with the juiciness of sea buckthorn, which you've never tasted before.
Still, the delicious taste seems like a small revelation. Compared to all, that you've managed to discuss with Noa. There's no turning back. He'll be your husband, as soon as the sunset touches the leaves, the brenchwood, and the huts. And in a way, that will be beneficially.
Time is short — just a few hours, until the sun disappears behind the hills — and you have too much to think about.
So much, that whole odorous summer would probably not be enough.
***
Washing in a bowk, filled with caressing rosebuds water, seems irreal. There, underground, women bathed at best a few times in their entire lives. They hardly used any water — although thanks to generators it flowed without interruption. You're not a deity, to bathe in luxury...
Behind a kind of thick curtain hung from the roof by hooks, you sit alone, while the Elder Wives wait for you outside. To prepare for the Rite of Bonding.
Marriage to Noa seems legitimately.
Setting aside everything, that could have happened to you, instead of a family life with Noa — for example, real family life with other partners, that you both knowingly forfeited — it step seems smartly. Noa has always been kind to you. Unlike more than a dozen other so-called men, who thought about marrying you, just to pushing you around... You dry yourself off, putting on a dress. Not a parade one this time, without frills — but favorite. White. How it should wear to a wedding.
On your image — glorifying naturalness and freedom image of the the Lord of Birds bride, — working six chimpanzee females in that age, when wisdom lies through in barely noticeable grey hair and life experience. They place a fabric blue as an endless ocean on your shoulders, tie the belts in knots, to adjust the garment to your figure. They comb your hair with bristle brushes, weave snow-white feathers into the scattering of braids. They draw intricate patterns on your cheeks, closed eyelids and brow ridges. Thoroughness, with which they conjure over your appearance, is amazing. When everything is ready, you are stunned. Admire your reflection, leaning over the transparent pink water in the bowk — you see, feel and recognize your beauty. For the first time in all the years, that you have lived.
Bow to the Elder Wives, listening to their parting words.
Caught by the arms by Soona and Kantis, who had arrived just in time, you listen to their chatter.
"This has never happened before... But over the past sunsets, you are definitely... the most beautiful bride!.." despite the controversial nature of what should happen any minute, Soona is delighted.
"I couldn't even imagine... that I so quickly would take you... down the aisle! Hey... stand up straight!" Kantis echoes her, encouragingly clapping you on your hunched over from everything that has fallen on you shoulders.
As you already know, one sunset means one completed cycle of the seasons. You also know, — the new friends told you in secret, — that weddings have become more frequent during the changed sunsets. There were many brides, transformed into wives, now enjoying their married life. Perhaps, by exceptional beauty they mean your human belonging..?
Having reached the Place of Bonding, you're transported to another dimension — you haven't seen waterfalls even in pictures. Grandeur of the streams falling from the heights and the noise of drops crashing on the surface makes a strong impression on you. Having looked around the lowland, you cannot hold back an admiring exclamation. Decorated with luxurious bouquets of flowers of various shades, this place looks fabulous.
To top it all off, apes of all ages sitting on the hillock begin to play pipes carved from hazel and the same drums, that they beat in a cheerful rhythm yesterday. You feel uneasy, the memories that were brought, back threaten to return. You want to run headlong... Starting with a guttural call, the female chimpanzee sings a song, that drives away your anxiety. Song has no lyrics, but its message is as clear, as today's cloudless evening. This song is about happiness.
Over the murmur of waterfall and the soft melody, a horde of cubs that Anaya was looking after, calls out to you. Some of them are just babies. Tiny and cute. They crowd around you, you ruffle hair on their playful heads, their smiling faces.
"Barely... dealt... with these bandits!.." Anaya laughs, catching his breath after games. "Get ready, echo. You awaits... an attak!"
"Y/N! Y/N! Today you are even... more beautiful!"
"Y/N! Today you look like... a real queen!"
"Like... a real... Mistress of Birds!.. Right, mom?.."
"True, my tadpoles. How could it be otherwise? Today is... a very-very important... day for Y/N" Kantis winks at the kids, who are not going to leave your side. Picking up her cubs, Nober and Febri, she tries to protect your robe from their inquisitive little palms. "One of the most important days... in your life... Isn't that right, Y/N?"
At her question you nod absentmindedly.
Babies, sitting in their mother's arms and meeting their father, who along with other strong chimpanzees brought some paraphernalia for the ceremony, manage to engage in conversation their teenage aunt. Teu, Ogun's younger sister, for whom everything human means everything hostile, frowns — but examines every detail of your complex outfit along with her little nephews.
"Echo truly does... look... beautiful" reluctantly admits Teu, touching the necklace, that shimmers around your neck. "Today... echo has... a reason... to shine. But... not to get cocky"
"Out of the mouths of baby speaks truth" — that was how your blood mother said, with an easily reproducible gesture and the explanatory voice of your blood father. Children really do tell it like it is.
So your human origin has nothing to do with it.
So, here you simply began to blossom.
Thought blurs, prevents concentration, disorganizes the mind. Isn't it natural to blossom, where there is no place for stinginess and aridity? Isn't it natural to fragrant, where there is abundant watering?..
Eventually, while waiting for Elders to arrive, your friends manage to inspire. You keep up the cheerful chatter, fragmentarily and distractedly, as best as you can. You can't switch to girlish chatter or childish babble, no matter how hard you pretend — conversation with Noa, a long, led to nowhere, doesn't leave your head. Three months ago he saved you from death. Two months ago you were afraid of him to death. A month ago you almost decided to kill him. Today, in a semi-dark room and semi-intimate proximity, you talked more, than you ever talked to anyone. Conversation was also like a painful death.
Death has followed you relentlessly. From your earliest years. Through your youth. To adulthood. Here, the shackles of death feel less of a burden. Here, the shackles of death have been replaced by rebirth. A dubious one, but still.
Instead of stingy demands, Noa has done you an invaluable service.
Noa has offered you peace.
There can be no talk of any certainty in such a union. But Noa doesn't pursue the same goals, that motivated those, who drove you into the ravine. Those, who would have knocked out your teeth. Would have broken your legs. Your arms, too, just in case. So that you would not resist their blows, their encroachments, so that you would be humble before their vile mugs... What prevented Noa from taking possession of you in his own nest, pinning you between animal skins and the weight of his body?
What prevented Noa from doing what marriages, devoid of their original meaning, are now performed everywhere for? What prevented Noa from showing you the only function, for which you are fit? Incapacity of the offspring doesn't exclude the desire to receive pleasure from the sexual act. Even if this act ends in nothing, remaining without an ending.
Moreover, you are a curiosity to him, a representative of another species. Earlier you made a sarcastic remark about it to his face. It is noticeable.
No matter how hard Noa tries, you see his stares.
He always looks at you with amazement, with interest. With a vague, but obvious desire. You curse yourself mentally with all the curses you know, when you admit, that you will not be able to look at your future husband as if he were a wild animal, hating him, denying his masculinity. Noa — not just an animal that frightened you, fierce in its nobility. Noa — a young male of the closest biological species to humanity, a young man. It is no one's fault, that his masculine nature can desire your feminine nature.
Having existed long before civilizations, wars and truces, intuitive desires can bring not only destruction, but creation too. The primordial, indisputable truth.
Noa shouldn't have to settle for platonic bits of a full-fledged relationship.
And neither shouldn't you.
And that's perfectly normal. It causes a tsunami of disagreement in you, but that's perfectly normal. No matter how much you hated all men, you hoped to meet someone, who you didn't want to hate. Hate was methodically draining your body. You needed symbiosis. You are a young, fragile woman. In this troubled world, you have repeatedly wanted to cuddle up to someone's broad, shielding shoulder. Hiding from fears, from injustice, from everything bad...
"Why would... the Master of Birds... betroth... to... a rootless echo? He can choose... any... woman... from the clan. A hunter. A gatherer. A healer"
"The leader did not hold... the Choosing ceremony... to choose this... hussy? To bypass... the rules?"
"To be left without... descendants? What nonsense. He acted, like a... reckless fool"
Unflattering whispers of the chimpanzees group, who not so much shaming you —you are merely mentioned disparagingly, —but specifically shaming Noa, are hurtful. Discussing the likelihood of reproduction with someone, who is about to become your family — is one thing. But discussing the likelihood of reproduction of your leader, behind his back — is another. It is petty. How can they talk like that about Noa in his absence? Indignation seethes inside you, you want to intervene, take a step toward them, pushing through the growing crowd. Intervenes, before you, Noa. Covered in feathers, slathered in the same paint as you, he measures them with a warning glance, not being generous with verbal warnings.
When gossips see him, they immediately stop their discussion mid-sentence. Hypocrites are everywhere. It's funny.
Multitude of emotions are mixing inside you, creating a cataclysm. But your face is calm. So as not to give away everything, what you are worried about. Instead of worrying, you give Noa a restrained smile. Now, more than ever, you are glad to see him. If he hadn’t stood right in front of you, blocking the gossips with his body — you would have either intervened in a verbal altercation, or fallen into the ground from shame. Neither would have worked to your advantage.
Arrival of the Elders is marked by a change in melody. Musicians play louder, singing female chimpanzee all turns into a voice.
Boar carcass is roasting on the fire. Noa's chest is pierced by a hastily treated, fresh wound. His body, hidden by a robe like yours, is littered with smaller wounds, bruises bleed. But he smiles at you relaxed. He didn't steal easy prey to maim, tie up, and gut — no, he fought his prey in a fair fight.
Caught by your friends on both hands, you don't have time to say anything to Noa, who is also caught in the same manner — you both are led to an arch of logs, towering over the hills. Crowd showers the Elders with greetings, escorting them to the newlyweds. That is, to the two of you, standing at the place where the Rite of Bonding is being held.
"Children of my... Today Water, Earth and Sky will see... your vows. Today you will merge to... be together... always. In the light... and in the darkness. In peace... and in war. From life... to death. Relentlessly" when Dar begins the ceremony, accompanying the words with eloquent gestures, everything blurs before your eyes. You hear as if through the thickness of water, coming to your senses, when she already moves on to the obligatory question for the wedding. "Do you... son of my...take this woman as your wife, to... guard her?"
"I take. Name her... as all worldly blessings. Swear to keep her... faithful, and to protect her... from all evil" Noa makes a vow without thinking, looking at you patiently.
"Do you... daughter of my.. take this man as your husband, to... revere him?"
"I take. Name him as all worldly blessings. Swear to be faithful to him, and to honor him completely" there is no time to think, you humbly echoing the vow, given to Noa.
Crowd looks at you, who managed to live such a momentous moment with dignity — who pronounced the unfamiliar oath without fail, thanks to the instructions of the Elder Wives and repeated mental repetition, — with hundreds of eager eyes. Ah yes, the exchange.
Taking a few steps towards you, Noa removes the dark-blue cloth from his shoulders. Now there is less, than an inch between you two — and Noa puts his robe on you. He puts his supreme status on you. He claims his right to you not defiantly, but delicately. How many times has he done this already? Hides you from the outside world, from outliers?..
Taking just one hesitant step forward, you take the cross off your neck, asking Noa to bend down — so, that you can put your cross on him. From now on, everything that was important to you, belongs to him. Faith was the only value for you. You don’t feel sorry to hand this value over to Noa... But not it in vain?..
Amidst the stares and congratulatory screams, Noa's palms find yours palms.
"Council of Elders blesses your aspiring... children of my. Now, may... the Sun, the Moon, and all the stars, that see the exchange... of your hearts... bless your union. And may... the path of your love... be long" Dar finishes his speech, praising the inscrutable Nature and tying a ribbon around your wrist with Noa's, so that this evening you will hardly be able to separate.
Part of you, with carefully concealed panic, expects Noa lean to your lips for another one important aspect. For a kiss.
You know, that this is a mandatory step to sealing a marriage. In the settlement, this step was completely devoid of romantic — but the men gnawed and licked gums of their newly acquired wives, like scraps from plates. In poetic, languid novels, this step was described as something tremulous, passionate, something pleasant. Everything inside you turns over, when Noa really leans to you... To touch foreheads.
You breathe out in relief, looking into Noa's green eyes without fear. Your union with him is not forced, but allianced.
Having showered you, motionless newlyweds, with devastatingly loud congratulations, crowd breaks into a dance to the whistle of pipes and the clap of drums. A wedding here — is not the observance of formalities before committing obscenities behind iron doors. A wedding here — is a shared joy. Some apes stand with sour faces, some are distorted with cynicism, but mostly everyone is happy for your future happiness. After all, everyone thinks, that your union is dictated by maturing love.
Nobody knows the background.
Everyone is waiting for the newlyweds' dance.
Noa lifts your palm, tightly connected to his palm, to the level of his shoulders. His free palmNoa lays behind your back. Not touching your waist, or your lower back. So as not to cause you the slightest discomfort. Assessing Noa's efforts, you squeeze the fur on his forearm with your free palm. Barely noticeable. But enough to tell him, without saying a word, that his touches don't cause a negative reaction in you. To reassure him, without saying anything — everything is fine.
***
Returning to the common hut in the dark, when the night lights up the constellations, you wonder — where did the milky-white sheet come from on the blanket of skins? You look at Noa, confused. You untie the knots of the robe. You unbraid your hair.
You unbutton the buttons on the virginal-white dress.
"It doesn't matter, that this is... how it is. We can do without it. We can not..." Noa explains apologetically, shifting from one foot to the other. "Y/N, I understand... if..."
"Don't make excuses, Noa... I know, what consumption is. Everything is fine" you grab hem on seam of your dress, continuing to try to undress. "The first wedding night without this will be incomplete..."
"No. Y/N... Please, stop..." catching your stubbornly pry up your buttonhole fingers, Noa accidentally touches the bare patch of your skin, right above your belly button. You jump back, hiding in the unlit corner of the room.
The dread of what, that Noa would never do still comes over you like a crushing wave.
You hug your knees, rocking back and forth.
"You're as scared, as you were... when I found you. Until you... stop... being afraid of me, we can do without this" Noa assures, making your heart clench.
"It's not you I'm afraid of, Noa" you smile bitterly, realizing, how far your husband is willing to go in self-sacrifice. "I'm afraid of letting you near me. I'm afraid of the closeness, that will never cease to make me wary. The closeness, that may never happen between us"
"This morning you said, that... in couples not customary sleep... separately" he recalls as if by accident, coming up to you on all fours. "If... that closeness, you fear never happens... between us... It's enough for me, to... fall asleep and wake up... next to you"
"Yes, that's right..." you smile involuntarily at Noa's remark. "You've done too much for me. I would really like to change my mind, so that someday I can allow you more. If only it were possible..."
Duck behind the canopy, fluttering in the night wind, to avoid awkwardness and pull off your dress. You change into a change complect shirt and trousers.
You hesitate. You doubt...
You don't want Noa to sleep on the floor again. It's just not appropriate to spend your nights like that, when you're in a legal marriage... But are you ready to sleep with Noa under the same blanket?
Casting aside your doubts, just as you had, when you accepted Noa's proposal, you climb into bed. Noa, snoring and frowning, is apparently already asleep — and sleeping, unlike in morning sleep, soundly.
A warm wind blows out the few lights that illuminated the bedroom. Noa's measured breath reaches your cheeks. So as not to wake him, you don't make unnecessary movements. You lie on the edge. You examine his face. The expression lines. The brow ridges, the eyelids wandering in dreams. You don't notice, how you set off on a journey through dreams. Later, through nightly creepy visions, you hear a noise. Wheezing and growling, Noa tosses and turns, leaves and returns — you sleepily wonder where he was until dawn?..
In the early morning, you find yourself shattered by yet another nightmare, turning away from the still sleeping Noa, crawling away from him. Nothing happened. No vile advances. His hands don't grab you, don't letting go.
You look at Noa again, peering. In the daylight now.
You try on status of the Master of Birds wife, wondering, what to do with this status. You wait for Noa to wake up — and, embarrassed by the length of his gaze, you flutter outside. So as not to sit idle.
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