#sscr

“Ohmyfuckinggawd!” She whispered, leaning her head against the steering wheel. It was bad enough that she had this hair brained idea and showed up unanswered, but Luke catching her staring into space in his driveway was just…ugh. The pizza was steaming up the windows. The beer was getting warm. She climbed out of the car as Luke made his way to the passenger side.

“Is this for us?” He asked. She was grateful that it was cold out so that the shiver that passed through her at his reference to “us” could be excused if needed.

“If you want it to be.” She hated the vulnerability in her voice as she met him at the hood of her car with the 6 pack held in front of her like a shield. Luke's smile was soft as he looked down at her, eyes searching her face.

“I do,” he told her quietly. She swallowed the lump that suddenly rose in her throat. She didn't trust her voice so she simply nodded in return.

April 2, 2025

“How much do you like him?” She shook her head as she reached for the salt and pepper. 

“What kind of a question is that, Jack?” 

“One you’re avoiding.” She looked at him then and it was obvious she was not pleased. He just shrugged. “Maribel. Why don’t you just admit it?” She sighed, heavily. He heard years worth of ... emotion? Frustration? In that one sigh. 

“Admitting it makes it real, and if it’s real…” She shoved a fork full of scrambled eggs into her mouth. 

“It can hurt you.” Her eyes went wide and she tilted her head to the side, as if to say, “Exactly.” He nodded as he sipped his coffee. “It already hurt you though. He … already hurt you.” She choked on her eggs. Reacher sat back and let her drink some water and regain her equilibrium before he continued. “My point is that you already survived.”

“Barely,” she whispered. In all of the years he had known her, he had never seen the facade crack the way it did at that moment, over breakfast and a cup of coffee. The look on her face was totally broken. But when Reacher blinked, it was gone.

That was the thing about Maribel; nobody worked as hard as she did to appear alright to everyone else. Anyone walking by right now would just see a young woman cutting her waffle into bite sized pieces, enjoying her breakfast, with a friend. But they hadn’t gotten the glimpse he had. 

“Let me get rid of him, then.” Reacher signaled for a refresh on his coffee. For the second time this morning, Maribel choked on her food. 

“Jack!” He was confused at how much ire was behind that word. He thought back on what he had just said, and it dawned on him. 

“Not like that. I’ll just make it clear it is in his best interest to stay away from you.” He cringed at the sharp clatter of her fork hitting the brightly colored melamine plate. She pushed her breakfast away. Her elbows hit the table top and she cradled her head in her hands. 

“You don’t want him to stay away, do you?” A cacophony of voices conversed around them. The soft sounds of music neither one of them chose drifted from the jukebox. Steam rose from hot and fresh food into the faces of eager diners. The world turned. Yet Maribel felt so stuck because…no. She didn’t want Luke to stay away, and if Jack threatened him to do so and Luke actually did, it would break her heart too. It was Reacher’s turn to sigh. 

“So, what do we do?” His question made Maribel sit up straight and smile at him. She appreciated that he included himself in the equation, as if any of this was his responsibility. 

When she turned her attention back to the pizza, Luke took the queue and went to get her another ice cold beer. It surprised him when he returned that she had chugged her first, which had undoubtedly got warm. 

“I thought warm beer was a dealbreaker for you,” he said as he sat back down on the couch. She sat with her legs criss crossed so he was sure to sit close enough that her knee pressed into his the side of his thigh. Bel put her empty bottle on the coaster on the table as she took her new one from him. 

“Getting older, not wasting something I paid for is now the dealbreaker.” He laughed softly and saw that she smiled when he did. It struck Luke, how quick the transition from sadness and tears to smiles and laughter happened. Bel must have noticed his contemplative expression. 

“It’s normal. Whatever normal is,” she said quietly. “Grief is sneaky that way. On a good day, it can be this. Feeling it, moving through it, but not staying in it. Finding other feelings to grab onto and ride. There will be times you have to go to bed with it too, but…” she sat back and sighed heavily. Her eyes closed and he noticed how tired she looked. The bright lights and colors of Bob’s Burgers cast shadows on her face in ways that allowed him to also notice some of the different ways the years he’d missed with her showed up on her face. He felt a pang of regret.

“If you can find a way to move through it or out of it before you go to sleep? That’s my experience anyway.” Her eyes opened back up to focus on the TV as she ate more pizza and chugged more beer. It sounded like solid advice to him. Luke had plenty of nights he’d spent over the last year with a tear stained pillow under his head or waking up cotton mouthed and with a headache from crying himself to sleep. 

“What about guilt?” he asked, loading his plate up again. 

“Guilt?” she asked, keeping her attention on the animated family in front of them. 

“Yeah. If I’m not going to bed crying, I’m somehow leaving her behind.” Her head snapped sideways at that. She looked spooked. “Did I say something wrong?” She shook her head slowly. 

“That’s one I’ve been struggling with since the beginning too.” Her voice cracked. Luke hadn’t realized he would strike a nerve. He had not intended to. “I don’t want to forget, but it’s kind of killing me to remember all the time.” Luke nodded, feeling the same way. He bumped her knee with his thigh and she looked up at him.

“Since we’re in the same boat…” Luke trailed off, intensely worried that what he wanted to say next would launch her off of the couch. But Bel surprised him.

She looked at him then. Really looked at him. Her eyes darted all over his face and silence stretched between them. It was quiet so long, Luke had resigned himself to not receiving an answer. When he turned his attention to Bob’s Burgers playing quietly on the TV, he heard her deep sigh. 

“Would it be ok with you if we sat on the couch?” He didn’t hesitate to nod as he put his hands on the sofa behind him and pulled himself up onto it. She sat next to him, but facing him, her right leg folded so her knee touched the back of the couch. When he turned his head, her focus was on his hand which rested on his knee. Luke took a chance and turned his palm up. Her smile was soft when he did. Ever so slowly, as if she was afraid he might change his mind and turn his hand back around, she reached out and slid her hand into his. It was simple contact, no intertwining of fingers, just left hands gently holding each other. 

Luke worked very hard to keep his breathing even. He felt as though showing his true emotions in this moment would send her running. But the physical contact they had experienced tonight was a first, at least in this new chapter. Bel had been quite careful to maintain that boundary, and Luke was careful to respect it. This change was significant, but he had to keep his cool as best he could. But truly, her touch was an anchor for him. Instead of bringing her hand to his lips to press a kiss to the back like he wanted to, he just squeezed it. Luke’s tears renewed.

He heard her sharp inhale and felt her re-situate herself next to him. Her side pressed into his and her head hit his shoulder. She let go of him and he missed her touch immediately. It was only a few seconds before she slipped her right hand back into his awaiting left hand. Her left hand then began rubbing up and down his forearm.

"You persist, Luke," she said quietly. He looked down at her but her attention was on the TV. Luke had to fight the urge to pull his hand from hers so he could wrap his arm around her. Luke had to fight the urge to lean down and press a kiss to the crown of her head. He hoped the urge he chose not to ignore would not rob him of her company: he leaned his cheek against the top of her head. He breathed a literal sigh of relief when her response was to stay put and squeeze his hand.

"That shit you hear about time healing all wounds is exactly that. Bullshit. The grief doesn't go away. You just learn to live with it." She sat up then and turned to look him in the eye. Seeing his fresh tears, she fished another tissue from her pocket and dabbed at his cheeks. "Some days are better than others. Some days, it's just a dull ache in the background. Other days, it's at the forefront and there's no choice but to let the wave crash into you and take you down. BUT," she said, with an emphatic nod that had his eyebrows gather in the center of his forehead as he wondered what was next. "You don't stay down." She was so serious. He offered her a nod in return.

"This is not something to get over, Luke. Not ever." He gasped when her left hand pressed against his chest, where his heart would be. "You honor her by keeping you with you. They say grief is just love with nowhere to go. That one?" She looked down into her lap and let out a sob so guttural that he almost took her into his arms. But she quickly blew her nose and looked back up at him. "That one, I will co-sign. So please, don't think you're on a timetable or that you should ever not feel exactly what you're feeling." Luke's right hand pressed over the hand she held against his heart. He was afraid of what he might say if he opened his mouth, so he just nodded again.

"Yeah, Luke. I think I do." At that, his face cracked, so fast. He had missed a lot. He ducked his head quickly as he sat up to lean his forearms on the table. The paralysis that had overtaken her when Luke began speaking about her suddenly lifted.

She sat up and ran her hand over the back of his head, crown to neck, again and again. It was a return to old instinct; this was a gesture that used to comfort him way back when. She loved it too because he always had the softest hair. All she wanted to do now was provide him comfort. She had no idea if this would do it, but she also had no idea of what else to do.

As if the situation between them was not complicated enough, this was the first time Bel faced someone close to her experiencing such a profound loss. Her own loss was one that she worked hard to keep close. She never wanted to be a burden to anyone else, which was funny because if she was asked at this moment if Luke's grief was a burden to her, she would kick whoever asked her that right in the shin. Of course it wasn't. Then why are the rules for everyone else different from the rules she made up for herself?

"I keep wondering when I'll get over it." His words were gasps, breathless pleas interspersed with sobs that he seemed to try and keep at bay. She wondered if this was the first time in a whole year that he had cried for his loss; she hoped that it wasn't.

"You won't. You don't." Her voice was low, but so certain. It was that certainty that had Luke's head turning. Her hand had been resting on the back of his head so the move meant now she was cupping his cheek. His eyes closed as he leaned into her touch. She forgot her self imposed rules for the moment. She allowed her thumb to brush some of the tears from his face. She noticed for the first time the bags under his eyes, too. How long had Luke not been sleeping?

Luke opened his eyes and stared at her, into her. She saw his red rimmed, bloodshot gaze and snotty nose. She resented that he could make her love him more by being an honest mess.

She reached into her sweatshirt pocket to extract some tissues for him. He took them and sat back, wiping at the mess on his face. With the physical connection broken, it struck her like a slap in the face how incredibly vulnerable this moment felt. Bel's nerves about that manifested as a lump in her throat. The compulsion to jump up and literally run out of here was so strong. Her eyes darted to the front door. Luke noted how her shoulders had slowly crept up to around her eyes and the wild look in her eyes as she turned her attention to the front door. He had to calm her down, keep her here.

She would tell him that he should have to wear sunglasses like Matt Murdock, for everyone else’s protection. His Halloween costume that year complete with a fitted suit and red round lens sunglasses was quite a treat. He even kept his gaze downward that whole night, and MAN, there was just something about that character acting plus the round red glasses plus the suit that just … worked for her. And the way his already bright smile somehow went megawatt while he was in that costume…the sound of Luke clearing his throat brought her back to the present. She had to unzip her hoodie. 

“Where’d you go?” The question itself was simple enough but the way he said the words? She knew she was busted. She could feel the heat simmer just below her skin, and who knows what other telltale signs Luke had already spotted? People who knew her constantly tried to tell her that she was not the closed book she liked to think she was. Despite Bel’s constant refusal to be verbally forthcoming with feelings, she apparently had a lot of other physical tells that she never considered. How unfortunate for her, she could not control them. 

“You don’t wanna know,” she said, reaching for her glass of ice water. 

His response was a short hum; it was thoughtful and it lingered somehow, on the last note. And even though she wasn’t looking at him, she could feel that gaze of his and it was no longer on just her face.

“If the light sheen of sweat on your sternum and the way you’re quenching your thirst are anything to go by, Bel,” She tried to fight the urge to look at his face, but she lost. “I most definitely wanna know.”

When her eyes landed on his face, Luke licked his bottom lip slowly before he bit it. He crossed his arms over his chest and leaned them on the table. The state she was in caused her to notice not for the first time and probably not the last time how much broader he was, all these years later. Luke had filled out quite nicely. But his moves were still the same because she remembered that lip lick, lip bite combo!