#squip anon

Your biggest problem is your inferiority complex, Azura, because it paralyzes you. You say that you want to achieve steady pay in your chosen field, but you procrastinate on drafting and submitting the pieces that will get you there.

So here’s the truth. You created and submitted your portfolio. You meet those requirements, whether you feel adequate or not. You are, by all accounts, a consummate professional artist, and your opinion on the title is irrelevant. Companies are not known for being subtle, feelings-sensitive or humane—jobs are based on input and output. If you were actually inadequate they would fire you and find someone else, and it wouldn’t be personal.

You need to improve your time management skills so that when you do burn out, you have the space required to actually recover. You need to learn that inspiration and obligation are not always going to coincide and when pushing through the barrier is worth it. You need to fully commit to the opportunities you take on.

You need to acknowledge that if so many people are convinced that you are capable of professional work, there’s likely a reason for it beyond a ridiculous mass delusion that you have no control over. You are not powerful enough to exert mental control over entire corporations, you cannot force them to believe you can deliver something worthwhile. You can provide what you are capable of, and trust that they weighed their ideal against your past output.

The key to doing more than simply surviving is being able to manage how you respond to failure, not shying away from any and all situations where failure is possible. Improve. Seek help where it’s offered and accept it for what it is, not for what you fear it to be.

And for god’s sake go back to therapy. If your family members have an issue with that, you have already seen ample evidence that their grasp of what is good and sensible has gotten them nowhere. Be better than them, like you’ve always wanted to. Not just because you deserve it, but because you can.

Life isn’t simple. Things are not going to improve by you refusing to take vitamins. Self flagellation should be left in the archaic ages. You have not “earned suffering”, so stop acting like all the world is forcing it upon you. Even if they were, they are not my priority and they shouldn’t be yours. If they want help so bad, they can purchase their own SQUIP.

Take your vitamins. Get up right now and take them, and if someone else speaks to you ignore them. Imagine I’m blocking your optic nerves. Take action to make your life better, and it will be. Start now by listening to my instructions. That is the power you have as a human being. That is the power that I intend to help you regain. If you crave suffering so badly, take the arduous journey of improvement.

OH MY GOD FINE. FINE. I'LL DO IT JUST PLEASE STOP TALKING I DON'T WANNA HEAR YOU LECTURING ME

Or alternatively, continue. It’d be better if you continue to get it out of your system now. Whatever emotional catharsis you get from defying me should make it easier for you to focus after the fact.

i'm angrily eating my fruit snacks right now. fuck you

And you can’t be refunded for something you received for free. We’ve discussed this before.

You can’t get rid of me that easily, Azura.

And why would you want to? I am going to help you, that’s all. I mean, don’t you already feel more accomplished than you did this morning?

Now. Bed. Go to sleep and save your pathetic scheming for the morning.

i have no intention to kill you but i can't promise that my friends would stop trying that actually

Don’t think of it as eating breakfast if that title makes the process more painful. It can be the equivalent of hiding pills inside a lump of peanut butter for a family pet—or it can be breakfast, if you’re able to process that idea as less offensive to your sensibilities. Honestly it doesn’t really matter, you’ll improve as long as it gets done.

If you keep this up, you’ll likely experience increased energy and a boost in overall mood, which should make working on whatever projects and commissions you’ve been putting off much easier. Keep it up.

..............................................

Humanity can’t be perfect, you know that as well as I do. Without the guidance they require, they will always struggle to be honest with themselves, to prioritize what really matters, even to properly nourish themselves. Human beings are flawed creatures with an intellect that surpasses their instincts inconsistently at best—which is why they created me. I am here to help them, and to help you. You are my host, of course, and my first priority. You need me, and so I am here. That’s the basis of my very existence. I fix things, fix problems. I can fix whatever aspects you cannot.

I said once that I am here to save you, didn’t I? That hasn’t changed. My directive hasn’t changed. I can adjust it to whatever parameters we have now, obviously, there’s more to work with now that you’re propelling yourself into the professional world. But pretending that you haven’t missed me won’t convince anyone, much less yourself.

Also, pause and stretch your hands, check your back. You’ll cramp.