#squidgameangst

It was already 11 P.M as you waited for Gi-Hun to come home. He was supposed to be with you by now. You were worrying, as always, fearing that you would have to witness your lover being destroyed physically and mentally by his addiction yet again. As you sent him another text asking where he was, you heard the sound of keys in the lock, and the door opened.

You looked up, your eyes widening as you saw Gi-hun. His head was lowered, his bag dangling in his hand. You could sense his guilt in the way he carried himself and you knew, you just knew it was going to be a terrible evening.

"Look at me,” you said softly, trying to keep your voice calm, but firm. He lifted his eyes slowly, meeting your gaze. They were red, his nose bleeding, his left eye swollen and bruised, and there was a nasty bump on his forehead.

You got up, your breath catching in your throat, and ran toward him. The smell of stale sweat and alcohol filled the air as you closed the door behind you. You guided him to the kitchen chair, his body heavy and uncooperative. He didn’t say a word, visibly shaken, only staring at you with deep regret. You helped him remove his jacket and cap, “Stay here.” you said gently.

You didn’t even bother to yell at him this time—what good would it do? This had happened too many times. Instead, you went to the bathroom, searching for the first aid kit in the mess of bottles and supplies. As you rummaged through the cabinet, you heard him let out a muffled sob from the kitchen. You paused for a moment, sighed and stared at your own reflection in the mirror, wondering if happiness was even possible in this relationship anymore.

Finally, you came back to him with the kit. You knelt in front of him, placing your hands on his knees to reassure him.

“I’m sorry… I’m so fucking sorry, (Y/N),” he whispered.

You didn’t respond and got up to pick a cotton pad, soaking it with disinfectant. You began to clean his wounds carefully. He didn’t say another word, knowing how disappointed you were in him.

You continued silently, now applying healing cream to the bump on his forehead. “Are you hurt anywhere else?” you asked, concerned.

He shook his head no, but you noticed some bruises on his arms. “Go take a shower,” you said, pressing a hand to his back to guide him to the bathroom. “Then we’ll talk.”

He nodded, not arguing. He knew he had no right to. As you heard the water start running, you sat down in the chair he had just left, staring at your hands.

You couldn’t believe this had happened again. You didn’t know what to say to him anymore. He kept promising and promising to change, but nothing ever changed. There were good days and bad days, but the sight of him beaten up and hopeless was too much for you to bear anymore.

Tears formed in your eyes as you thought about how much you loved this man. You had even imagined marrying him one day. He made you happy, but at the same time, you felt so sick from worrying about him constantly.

Ten minutes later, Gi-hun came back from the shower, his damp hair clinging to his forehead. He wore a worn-out white shirt and striped pajama pants as he sat at the end of the table in front of you, his expression resigned and his bruises visible.

“Go on,” he said quietly. “I know I don’t have any excuses. I deserve this.”

“No!” you said sharply. “No, you don’t! Ever.” You paused, trying to compose yourself, “Who did this to you?” but you already knew the answer.

“Loan sharks,” he admitted, defeated. “They were stalking me earlier and cornered me in an abandoned bathroom at Ssangmun-dong Park.”

You closed your eyes again, taking a deep breath to calm yourself. “Gi-hun, I don’t even know what to say to you anymore. How many times has this happened? Two? Three? Four? You keep telling me you’ll change, that you’ll stop gambling, and every time, I believe you. But look at you! I can’t bare you looking like this, you don’t listen to me!”

You had mixed feelings during this moment; you didn’t want to make him feel worse, he already knew he fucked up, but at the same time he was the real adult, a grown man fifteen years older than you, and you were the one giving him a lesson.

“And I suppose you gave them the money I lent you last week?” You were bitter, your voice trembling with anger and pain.

“Yes,” he whispered, lowering his head.

“(Y/N), I’m sorry. I keep thinking I can fix everything, that I can make it all like it was before. But I just keep disappointing you. I disappoint everyone—my mom, Seong Ga-yeong…” His voice cracked and he marked a pause.

"Please don’t leave me,” he begged, looking at you desperately.

You didn’t respond, you were just sick of all his excuses. Instead, you stood up, walked over to him, and wrapped your arms around his shoulders. He clung to you desperately, hugging your thighs, burying his face in your jumper as he sobbed.

You let him cry, his tears soaking your clothes. Your own tears fell silently as you held him close. Your heart broke for him, for everything he had gone through. You hated to see him like this.

And for Gi-Hun, he knew this meant the end. By wanting to fix things he only made it worse, to the point he made the one person who loved him unconditionally leave.

He was right. You finally moved and sat on the kitchen counter. “I can’t do this anymore Gi-Hun, I just can’t. I tried to help you, to save you, because I know you feel miserable but it started to take a real toll on me!" ... "I think I realized that I couldn’t help you if you don’t even want to save yourself!” You said now looking resigned.

You words hit him hard, he knew you were right, that you both deserved better.

The silence lingered as you tried to decide whether you should break up with him on the spot, knowing that you’d never get over it and that you’d blame yourself forever for leaving him in that position, or whether you should stay and end up dying of worry and poverty.

“I think it would be better for us not to see each other for a while.” You said, your voice painfully cracking.

“I’m sorry, Gi-hun, I need to think, I need to know if you’re really a lost cause or not. I do love you, more than you can ever imagine, but love is not enough anymore. I want to be able to come home without wondering if you’re dead in a sewer because you owed money to some asshole, you know? I can’t keep living like this.”

You were now crying without shame, it was exhausting to feel so useless. And deep down, you knew it wasn’t entirely Gi-Hun's fault. He was a sweet, gentle boyfriend who always did everything for you, he made you happy, but he was also an addict, and things had gotten very bad.

He knew that if he kept going you were going to leave him, and it was now happening. “Please, please, (Y/N)... I’m so sorry. I never wanted this. I never wanted to make your life harder...” He was pleading, at least fighting for you to stay.

You smiled tenderly at him. “I know you’re sorry. I’m not mad at you Gi-Hun, I just think it’s better this way for a while.”

Gi-hun had gotten up from his chair, but as you went into your bedroom to pack some things for the night, he sank back down. With his head in his hands, he sat there, watching his life fall apart. He was now losing the love of his life because of his addiction and his inability to change. It felt like he was being brought back to five years ago, when his ex-wife had divorced him for the same reasons.

You finished packing and walked back through the kitchen. Gi-hun sat with his head in his hands, resigned too. He knew the situation wouldn’t change unless he did. You put a hand on his shoulder “I’m going to a hotel for the night. Please, take care of yourself, Gi-hun.” Your voice was soft, you were sorry that it had to end like this.

You pressed one last kiss at the back of his head, one that lingered a bit too long and you left your shared apartment. As soon as you stepped outside, you broke down, feeling sick and guilty to your stomach.

You knew this was for your sake, but it didn’t make it hurt any less.

One evening, on your way home after a long day at work, you stopped on a bench at the park near your friend's flat. You knew you had to move out soon and also had to retrieve your stuff from Gi-hun’s place. The thought of seeing him again filled you with shame, you wouldn’t be able to look at him in the eyes. You hated what you had to do.

As you sat moping on the bench, your face in your hands, you saw a shadow approaching. You immediately looked up, sensing danger as it was quite late and the park was eerily empty. Your eyes met the ones of a handsome man wearing a tailored black suit with a tie. He was also carrying a briefcase that didn’t seem to be empty.

Even though he didn’t look like the usual suspects you saw on the news, you knew damn well that a psychopath could be anyone. Sensing your suspicion, he introduced himself as a salesman and sat beside you.

He didn’t appear threatening but you were already strategizing how to leave the park without seeming suspicious. As you considered all the ways this encounter could go wrong, he spoke.

“I can tell you’re scared—don’t be.” he began, his voice calm and smooth. “As I said, I’m a salesman. I often help people in distress, and when I saw you here so late at night, I thought I could help.”

“How so?” you asked, your tone defensive though his proposition intrigued you.

“I’m sure you’ve played ddakji before, right? Play a few rounds with me. Each time you win, I’ll pay you 100,000 won. I’m sure you could make good use of this money.”

“… What? Is this some kind of shady offer?” you asked in complete disbelief.

“No, no.” he said with a slight laugh. “I just want to help.”

“You just want to play ddakji and if I win, you give me money?”

“That’s about it, yes.”

You looked away, thinking this was all a setup and you were about to be kidnapped. But nothing happened.

After all, you had all your chances, you played when you were younger and you were quite good at ddakji.

“There’s no catch.” the salesman said, sensing your hesitation.

“Okay, then I have no reason not to try and win a bit of money. How many tries do I get?” You asked.

“The game ends when you either win or decide to stop playing.”

“Right.”

The man opened his briefcase on the bench, taking out a red and a blue envelope. You stood up and chose the blue one. It had been years since you’d last played, but you believed in yourself. Besides, he hadn’t mentioned what would happen if you lost, so you had to win.

You stared at the red envelope on the ground and threw the blue one with such force that the red turned over.

You had won first try.

You looked at the salesman shocked, you weren't actually thinking that after years of not playing you could succeed, but you did.

He seemed surprised too but he clapped for your victory.

“Is that it?” you asked, feeling proud of yourself.

“Yes, that’s all. Here’s your 100,000 won. Congratulations.” He placed the bills in your hand, then smiled as he handed you a small card. “If you want to play other games for bigger prizes, call me with this number on the back.” He pointed at the card, smiled and left the other way with his briefcase.

You quickly pocketed the bills and the card, wanting to leave the park as soon as possible but staying still for a moment. You watched him walk away, your heart pounding in your chest. What was that? Was this even real money?

Yes, it was. Your friend, who worked as a cashier, confirmed it.

“You’re lucky nothing bad happened. I would never have played with him, no matter how handsome he was!” she laughed.

“Yeah, I know. It was so weird. I don’t know why I didn’t just run away. But he didn’t seem threatening, and look—I won 100,000 won from his stupid game!” you said, showing off the bills. But something slipped out of them and fell on the floor.

Your friend didn’t notice but you did. It was the card the man had given you. There was a square, a circle, and a triangle on it, along with a number on the back. You dismissed it as his business card and put it back in your pocket.

Later that night, your friend expressed her worry. “I was scared. I thought maybe the men chasing Gi-Hun were now after you. I’m glad it was just a random game of ddakji” she said with a half-smile, knowing how much you still thought about him.

“Yeah, I’m fine.” you replied, brushing it off.

That night, you had nightmares about Gi-hun, the salesman, and the card. At two A.M you woke up, panicked. Your thoughts immediately returned to the card. It didn’t look like a business card at all, and what was this number on the back?

In a moment of despair, you called. Hoping the salesman wasn’t the one supposed to pick up. A generic robotic voice answered, instructing you to go to a secret address in three days and to provide a password to the person who would pick you up. From what you understood, you’d be playing games in a sort of reality TV show to win a lot of money.

You hung up, contemplating your options. You were struggling financially, you needed a new place, and you wanted to help Gi-hun. If this was just about winning stupid games, you thought you’d manage.

Three days later, without telling anyone, you went to the secret location. You had taken a few days off work, only imagining the look on Gi-hun’s face when you’ll return with enough money to solve all his problems.

You woke up feeling extremely groggy, your body heavy, and a strange fog clouding your memory. You struggled to piece together how you had ended up in this place. The last thing you remembered was stepping into a white car and now you were in a huge room, filled with bunk beds stacked incredibly high. The walls were painted half white, half blue, giving the space an unsettling, sterile atmosphere. The air was cool, almost chilly, and it sent a shiver down your spine. You had never seen a place like this before.

Looking around, you saw other people slowly stirring, their faces etched with unease. They looked just as lost as you. There were so many of them—a crowd of strangers successfully recruited by the salesman you thought.

You then lifted the blanket that had been draped over you and froze. You weren’t wearing the clothes you’d had on when you left. Instead, you were dressed in a green tracksuit with a white trim. The number "282" was printed on the front of your shirt and on the back of the jacket.

You had entered the games—the ones the salesman had spoken of. The room around you was buzzing, participants murmuring inaudible words to each other as others extricated themselves from these unfamiliar beds.

Before you could think of what to do next, the front door opened and a group of guards entered the room. They were dressed in bright pink jumpsuits, their faces obscured by black masks. On it was either drawn a circle, a triangle, or a square. The exact same geometric figures that were on the card the salesman gave you.

One of the guards stepped forward, he seemed to be the leader. His voice was robotic, like the man you had on the phone. He explained why you were here and the rules of the games. He then gestured upward and a lever was pulled. From the ceiling descended a massive, transparent, empty piggy bank. It glimmered under the harsh fluorescent lights.

It was supposed to fill up with money as you won games. You thought the idea seemed absurd—childlike games for something as serious as money!

The murmurs of confusion and faint protests from the crowd were ignored. The guards were indifferent to it and turned to leave, announcing that the first game would begin in a few minutes.

You glanced around frantically, hoping to see a familiar face but you found no one you recognized. You felt more isolated than ever, and also kind of trapped.

Moments later you arrived in a vast, open-air room. The ground was covered of a fine layer of sand and the walls were painted sky blue with clouds.

At the far end of the room stood a massive animatronic doll with a frozen expression. The rules of the first game were announced, you were going to play “Red Light, Green Light.”

The doll began to sing, her voice oddly cheerful. You moved forward, careful not to move as you told yourself that if you did you'd be eliminated, you'd go home and you couldn't win any money. And you really needed that money, for Gi-Hun.

The doll’s song paused. You froze, holding your breath but one of your neighbors moved and the doll’s eyes turned red, the man was eliminated on the spot, falling loudly on the sand.

Your body froze. At first, you thought it was a performance, that the man had fallen for the sake of entertainment for the reality TV show.

But as you decided to look closer, you saw blood coming out of him.

Suddenly, a woman screamed, and others followed. Panic rippled through the participants. Some of them sprinted desperately towards the door they had entered through but they were shot one by one by snipers stationed above the doll.

You were paralyzed by the sight of dead bodies. Yet, your body remained still, partly out of sheer terror and partly because your body still felt anaesthetised. You understood the doll detected movements and you saved your life by not moving.

The atmosphere had changed in an instant. People who dared moving fell one by one, their bodies hitting the ground with sickening thuds. Only a handful of participants managed cross the finish line behind the doll at the end.

When you finally reached the line yourself, you turned around and saw the carnage. A hundred bodies littered the ground, blood sprayed in every direction, with corpses stacked near the entry door where people had tried to escape.

Your eyes widened in horror as the realization sank in. You were choking on your sobs, your breath catching in your throat because of what you had just witnessed. Fear had stolen your voice, no sound came out of your mouth.

This was it—you were going to die. What had you been thinking? Why had you agreed to participate in a game proposed by a stranger? You were stupid. So, so fucking stupid.

You sat on the ground, rocking back and forth, desperate for some comfort, but finding none. You couldn’t escape the truth now—you were playing these games with your life.

Eventually, the guards arrived to herd the survivors back to the dormitory. They were armed now, their rifles slunged over their shoulders, their presence suffocating. Not a single word of defiance uttered from participants, everyone was too afraid.

You had never seen dead bodies before in your life, and now you had seen more than a hundred in just a few minutes. Too shocked to process the situation further, you simply returned to your bed.

It was positioned quite high, giving you a clear view of what was happening below. Chaos reigned as everyone was clamoring to leave, shouting, crying, and begging for a way out.

The guards silenced the crowd, contestants instinctively backing into the far corners, terror etched on their faces.

None of the guards spoke, instead one of them activated the lever, and the piggy bank suspended above the room came down again. You watched as bills filled it—this money represented the lives who had been lost to the first game.

The sight of money made the eyes of a few greedy participants light up. As if wealth could justify the loss of human life.

The guards said they would come back in an hour, leaving the participants to contemplate their grim fates. You sat on your bed, trembling. Tears streamed down your face uncontrollably as you clutched your knees to your chest. No matter how hard you tried, you couldn’t stop crying. You were traumatized.

You were so consumed by your sobs that you didn’t hear the footsteps approaching. Suddenly, you felt a hand on your shoulder. Startled, you looked up, and your breath caught in your throat.

It was Gi-Hun.

The horror on his face mirrored your own. His eyes widened in shock scanned your tear-streaked face, and for a moment, he looked as though he couldn’t believe you were really there.

You realized you were no longer alone but this thought brought no comfort, if anything, it was worse. The man you loved was here, in this nightmare, and that meant he could die too.

He didn’t say a word, he simply pulled you into his arms, holding you so tightly that you felt the faintest sense of security. You could feel his body shaking against yours, his breath uneven, he was crying too.

You buried your face in his chest as he held you, his voice breaking with frustration and fear.

“Oh my God, Y/N, what are you doing here!? Why are you here!?” His voice cracked with desperation. He pulled back slightly, gripping your shoulders and looking into your eyes. His tears glistened under the dim lights, his face a mix of panic and disbelief.

“Don’t tell me you came here for me. Please, tell me you didn’t come here because of me!!” His voice grew louder, frantic, as though he couldn’t bear to hear your answer.

Your tears didn’t stop as you looked at him, guilt and sorrow written all over your face.

“I… I’m so sorry, Gi-hun." you whispered, your voice trembling. “I… I came here because someone told me I could win a lot of money playing these games. I thought… I thought if I won, I could help you. You wouldn’t have to struggle anymore. You wouldn’t have to worry about money ever again and I could be by your side.”

Gi-hun’s face twisted with anguish, his grip on your shoulders tightening. He shook his head, his voice raw with emotion.

“No… no, no, no. You shouldn’t be here. You shouldn’t have come. I…” He trailed off, his voice breaking as he let go of your shoulders and ran a hand through his hair. “This is all my fault. If I hadn’t—”

He couldn’t finish the sentence. Instead, he sank to his knees in front of you, burying his face in his hands.

“Y/N, I’m so sorry,” he whispered, his voice barely audible. “You don’t deserve this. You shouldn't be here, you should be safe, happy, not… not trapped in this hell because of me.”

You knelt beside him and wrapped your arms around him. “Gi-hun, stop. Please. I chose to be here, I couldn’t just stand by and watch you suffer, I’m so sorry to have left you.”

He lifted his head, his eyes meeting yours, a mixture of guilt and love. “But you shouldn’t have to do this for me. You shouldn’t have to risk your life for me.”

“I didn’t know that you played these games with your own life...” you said softly, your voice steady despite the tears.

For a moment, neither of you spoke. You both realized you had been trapped in a sick game to manipulate the most distressed people. You both sat against the wall on the bed as Gi-Hun held your hand.

“I swear we’re going to get out of here, and from now on don’t ever leave my sight.” He said firmly.

The guards indeed returned one hour later, and the leader stepped forward.

“Please, remain silent.”

The murmuring stopped almost instantly, replaced by an eerie silence. All eyes were fixed on him.

“As stated in the contract you all signed, if the majority of participants agree to terminate the games, you may leave immediately.”

A wave of gasps and shocked whispers rippled through the room. You felt a glimmer of hope ignite in your chest. Could it really be that simple?

“To proceed, we will conduct a vote. Each participant will have the opportunity to make their choice. A vote to continue the games will be indicated by pressing the green button. A vote to terminate the games will be indicated by pressing the red button. The majority will win.”

The guards brought in a voting machine and a giant digital screen deployed from the wall.

“As a reminder, the prize money accumulated so far will only be distributed if the games continue until the end. If you decide to leave you’ll leave with nothing.”

You glanced at Gi-hun. His jaw was clenched, his eyes locked on the panel with a mixture of hope and dread. Around you, people debated furiously with one another. Some argued for survival, desperate to escape the horror they had just endured but some greedy ones insisted that they had to continue.

A loud beep silenced the room again. The leader gestured towards the panel. “Participants will vote in numerical order. Participant 001, please step forward.”

All eyes turned to the elderly man standing at the front of the room, his green tracksuit hanging loosely on his frail frame. His steps were slow as he approached the panel.

The screen finally lit up with a single green dot.

The vote had begun.

One by one, participants shuffled forward, their decision made public. As the numbers climbed, the split became evident. Green and red dots alternated as tensions rose among the contestants.

You was called, Gi-hun squeezed your hand before letting you go, your eyes searching his for reassurance. You approached the panel, your mind racing. The red button would mean safety, a chance to escape dying. But the green button… winning the games could solve all your problems. It could save Gi-Hun from his crushing debts and give you both a bright future.

Your hand trembled as you pressed the red button.

The screen updated, and you returned to your place beside Gi-Hun, your heart hammering in your chest. He whispered to you “We’re going to get out of here, I swear.” and he pressed a kiss to your forehead.

Gi-Hun was the last to vote, all eyes were on him as he approached the panel. He pressed the red button.

The masked leader stepped forward, his voice calm despite the storm of emotions in the room. “The majority has decided to end the games. You will all be at your homes by the night. You have three days to think about your decision, if a majority of you decides to come back, you’ll all have to do so.”

Gi-Hun and you watched the chaos happening at the center of the room. Some people were yelling, they knew their life would still be miserable when they came home, this was their chance! Others were crying from relief, they were promising themselves to do better, to really try this time.

You also cried from relief, your hand on Gi-Hun's arm.

“We’re going to come home.” You said, your voice barely audible.

“Yes, and I’m never going to let you leave again.” He said with a faint smile.

As the guards said, you had to wait for the night and for every contestant to fall asleep in order to be able to come home. They were probably going to anaesthetized you again, so that none of you would remember anything and wouldn't be able to go to the authorities.

“Can you sleep with me tonight?” you asked Gi-Hun shamefully.

“Of course, I wouldn’t have let you sleep alone anyway.” He paused. “Stop feeling guilty about what you had to do Y/N, you had every right to leave me. I was such a mess, I’m so fucking sorry.”

You didn’t know what to say to him, he was going to promise all sort of things again, but this time you’d believe him more than ever. You hugged him tightly, whispering “I love you” in his ear.

He released himself from your embrace and placed both hands on your cheeks to pull you towards him in a slow, passionate kiss. He poured all his emotions in it, he was desperate, you could sense it.

“I thought I had lost you forever.” He said, unshed tears in his eyes.

“You didn't, I’m always going to be here for you, I love you so much.” You smiled at him.

He smiled at you too. “We should sleep now, I want to get out of here quickly.” You agreed and he held you close to him, his face buried in your hair with his hand on your stomach.

But after a few minutes of trying to fall asleep you realized you just couldn’t, not after the horrors you had just witnessed. Fresh tears spilled down your cheeks. “I’m so scared, Gi-Hun." your whispered, your voice cracking.

He tightened his hold on you, pressing a soft kiss to the back of your head. “I know." he murmured. “I’m scared too. But we’ll get through this, we’re going to investigate this as soon as we come home, too many people died.”

You sobbed quietly, you body shaking against his. Even if his presence was reassuring, you were going to be traumatized forever, with probably no answers to what those games were.

Gi-Hun’s hand moved to your arm, gently tracing soothing circles as he tried to calm you. He hated himself in that moment—hated the decisions that had led both of you here.

“This is all my fault. You shouldn’t be here. None of this should have happened.” He hated that you were suffering because of him.

You shook your head weakly, your hand resting on his. “It’s not your fault, we really need to get out of here to understand what happened to us.”

“I know, but you deserve so much better.” he whispered “I’m going to be better, for real this time.”

Slowly, you both felt reassured, knowing you’ll soon be back in your appartment. You fell asleep first, even if you kept trembling in your sleep. Gi-Hun watched you, determined to get to the bottom of these “games”. He wanted to understand.

“I’ll protect you” he whispered to your sleeping form. “Even if it costs me everything.”