#squazzpost

After a fifteen year hiatus, I finally returned to the hallowed grounds of Turner Field, named after the illustrious media tycoon responsible for one of the greatest television cartoons of the 1990s (Captain Planet). Ok, so hallowed may be too generous a word if you’re comparing major league stadiums, but unlike my esteemed colleagues here at the Squazzington Post, I don’t actually know much about this wonderful national pastime, so I’m going to assume the field is steeped with enough history to warrant a somewhat fancy word.  Regardless, what is important is that I finally experienced baseball through the mature eyes of an adult; a grown individual ready to participate in the spectacle of a great American tradition as opposed to a child, who only really saw the game as a necessary chore that came with acquiring the free Wrinkles Beanie Baby.

Speaking of such--the first thing I noticed was that there were no free Beanie Babies.  This did not bode well for my pre-game gusto, but I resolutely staved off the shock that I would have to settle for a game program, and made my way to the upper pavilion of the stadium. For most humans, this might be an easy task, but for a mildly out of shape adult (who has a history of severe leg cramps) that had just been forced to endure a leg workout earlier in the day by overzealous gym rat type friends, waddling up the countless pavillion stairs was close to physical torture. Full disclosure: I probably spent more time chewing on assorted fruit candies than working out while I was at the gym, so I was more likely sore from not sitting for eight hours straight. Soon enough, I reached my seat in a surprisingly crowded section, just in time to witness Freddie Freeman of the Atlanta Braves hit a homerun! As the energy from the raucous cheering coursed through the stadium, I knew my arrival at just this moment had to signify a good omen. After settling into my strangely irksome plastic blue seat, I began to listen to the young men in front of me relive past games in which they had witnessed "the greatness that is Fredward Freeman." I learned he is considered the most stalwart bat amongst a hitting lineup composed of streaky hitters, but since I can’t think of a medieval war simile for him in this situation, you can ignore this piece of useless information.  This article isn’t about actual baseball, it’s a recording of my experience.

Midway through the second inning, I received a raven (text message) from my friend that he had taken up a post with his companions behind the first base foul pole. I looked down at the field and after discerning which base was first, my eyes followed a line extending past the running path towards a tall, thin yellow tower, which I can only assume was at one point the mast of an unfortunately skinny passenger liner that sailed the Atlantic.  Why they decided to paint it yellow rather than revive it to its former glory is beyond me, especially since the restoration could only add to the so-called esteemed history I imagine some may claim for Turner Field. The section where my friend was situated appeared to be bathed in the shining sunlight of the evening across a sea of the blue plastic seats. No amount of yoga could prepare one for this journey, yet I grudgingly began my trek in spite of the obstacles in my path. You see, this complicated task was made all the more perilous due to the fact that I had forgotten my handkerchief. I knew I would have to face the embarrassment of a heavily glistened forehead during my introductions to my friend’s companions due to the light rays that sun frenched my skin rather than sun kissed it. When I say sun frenched, I mean the light was like a wildly violating tongue of fire on my skin, so much so that it felt as though I was back in India. I made sure I was high enough among the seats to avoid the watchful stares of the redshirts (ushers), just in case they chose to send me back to my seat. Fortunately after a few minutes of stealthy evasion, I found my friend. I plopped down in my seat after carefully mopping my brow with my undershirt out of their sight, ready to continue watching the game in welcome company.

See info-graphic for reference 

Just a week after the Heat and the Spurs wrapped up the NBA Finals, the 2013 Draft took place last night, and holy schnikes it was a crazy one. There was the drama of consensus No. 1 pick Nerlens Noel falling to No. 6, enough trades to make your head spin, and equal measures of both head-scratching and elation by those fans doofy enough to sit up through the whole thing and watch their teams pick guys that are potentially going to be playing in Iceland come November. On league commissioner David Stern’s last Draft after 30 years at the helm of the NBA, we supposedly had a “weak” class, but the the four-hour marathon totally confounded the experts with the amount of activity and drama that resulted. Gotta love it.

The first thing that should be said about the Squazz Post’s NBA Draft coverage is that we have done our homework, but not nearly as much as actual guys who do this for a living, like the esteemed Chad Ford, and the guys over at BleacherReport (who published a new Draft record of 4.69 Mock Drafts per day in the run-up to Thursday). So take our analysis with a grain of salt, and remember that most of these guys are never going to see a second contract in the NBA, thats just the competitive nature of the league and the business.

We’re going to make this as simple as possible by just running through the draft and evaluating what each player does for the team that either drafted or traded for last night. Oh, and hells yeah we’re (maybe) evaluating both rounds. Its either going to be a home for substantive analysis, or cheap jokes about all the foreign-born players taken this year. (Note: the players remain in their original draft order, but the teams that traded out picks for earlier/later picks and/or players and whatnot have been shuffled to reflect said whatnotting.)

1. Anthony Bennett, 6’8” PF, Cleveland Cavs - SURPRISE! When this pick happened last night, ESPN commentator and basketball nerd-supreme Bill Simmons just about fell out of his chair from the shock of it. Being the number one pick is kind of a big deal from year to year, but this pick came with some extra mustard. In addition to being the first Canadian to ever go #1, Bennett leapfrogged from the projected 7th or 8th pick in more than a couple people’s books, since a shoulder injury had kept him from working out for NBA teams ahead of the draft, and there were questions about his ability to guard NBA power forwards and sometimes centers. But Cleveland, looking to avoid this part of the draft next year, rolled the dice on a guy who has drawn comparisons to former Rookie of the Year & All-Star Larry Johnson. His big frame, NBA-ready offensive game, bruising style of play and athleticism compare favorably to the last UNLV player be selected with the first pick, but his potential size issues at the 4 and injury could keep him from being productive in the long-term. The move might just pay off in a draft with no sure things, but with aging center Anderson Varejao only under contract for one more year and fwllow Canadian Tristan Thompson already holding down the 4-spot, the logic would dictate the Cavs might have gone for a franchise center. But you have to think that as long as he’s going to be taking minutes from Alonzo Gee eventually the Cavs are pretty ok with this pick though, right?

2. Victor Oladipo, 6’4” SG, Orlando Magic - This guy just has “productive” written all over him. By all accounts he’s an absolute maniac of a worker, is a very keen student of the game, and is pretty damn athletic to boot. He’s going to have to show that he can score occasionally and not just be a one-way player on the defensive end (see: Allen, Tony), however valuable those types of guys sometimes are over the course of a season. But that was the knock on him last year, and he notably improved both his 3-point and true shooting percentages this year (+12% in both categories). Oladipo is a great pick in this unsure draft that fits nicely with some of pieces Orlando slapped together last year in the wake of the Dwight Howard fiasco. And if they add Eric Bledsoe via a trade with the Clippers for Arron Afflalo as has been rumored, they could have a really scary-ass and athletic backcourt.

3. Otto Porter, 6’7” SF, Washington Wizards - The man who has been described as the “safest” or “highest floor” pick in the draft won’t have to move very far from his former home on the Georgetown campus to his new team, and everything about this pick feels right. The Wiz filled a Trevor Ariza-sized hole at small forward with a good character guywho possess a lot of NBA-ready tools (Ariza is their current starter there, and boy does he like jumpers. He’s like a homeless man’s Josh Smith). Considering the makeup of this draft, you’d have to think that maybe that the Southeast Division isn’t going to be the laughing stock of the NBA anymore. But then again, we almost forgot about Charlotte...

4. Cody Zeller, 6’11” F/C, Charlotte Bobcats - The Bobcats desperately needed front-court help, and the polished and surprisingly athletic Cody Zeller (he killed at the combine) could be one part of the answer. But you have to wonder about his ability to defend NBA bigs considering his bean-pole frame, and with Michael Jordan running things, you never can really tell. In the last 10 years under Jordan, the woeful Bobcats have used top-15 picks on NBA washouts/scrubs Sean May, Adam Morrison, DJ Augustin, and Bismack Biyombo. Plenty of teams have made shite draft picks in the past, but no one combines bad drafting with poor open-market dealings to the detriment of his team more than MJ. At this point he’s really really giving Minnesota's notorious David Kahn a run for his money as the worst NBA executive of the last ten years. In the end Zeller is a very nice sort of hedge-bet against Biyombo not panning out, and for a team with as many holes as Charlotte, it would be hard to fault any pick here I guess.

5. Alex Len, 7’1” C, Phoenix Suns - So as Nerlens Noel kept falling from the projected No. 1 spot, he was watching more than just money slip out of his hands. He slid past some teams who were sticking to their plans (the Magic & Wiz) and another who was sticking to... we don’t know at this point (the Bobcats). As Phoenix was on the clock, it started to dawn on you that Noel’s knee and the Suns’ legendary training staff were the perfect match. But no! The Russian who some had thought might go first if anyone but Noel did ended up trumping him in the end, on the basis of the fact that he’s 7-foot plus (and still might be growing), he’s got a more ‘polished’ offensive game than Noel, and he used to be a gymnast. I put polished in quotations because over the course of last season Len put up exactly 1.4 more points per game than Noel did, and didn’t even make the All-ACC first, second, or THIRD teams in two years at Maryland. Sure the Terrapin guards may have been bad, but are the Phoenix guards THAT much more spectacular relative to their league? Anthony Bennett, this pick, and the next one will define this draft, and of the three I have the least faith in Len long-term.

6. Nerlens Noel, 7’0” F/C, Philadelphia 76ers (trade sends All-Star Jrue Holiday to New Orleans for Noel & 2014 1st round pick) - After watching five guys walk up to shake David Stern’s hand before he did, and enduring enough dramatic close-ups to make a porn-star blush, Nerlens Noel was finally picked by the New Orleans Pelicans with the sixth pick. They immediately flipped him & a top-five-protected 2014 first round pick to Philly minutes later for fourth-year PG Jrue Holiday. The 76ers are officially in full-out blow-up mode after enduring a circus of a season that couldn't end soon enough, and resulted in the coach and GM getting fired. This trade netted a pretty lightly-protected pick in a loaded draft next year, oh, and the guy everyone thought was going to go first, but for their only All-Star and best asset (on a reasonable a 4-years for $41-million. Hell, Javale McGee is making $11 mill/per and he doesn’t even start! But more on that later). When word of this trade first came out it was a little stunning, but it makes a ton of sense for Philly to lay low for a year while Noel and a young core can mesh and then possibly add two lottery player next year, and New Orleans picks up a reasonably priced option at point guard who might not have hit his ceiling yet.

7. Ben McLemore, 6’5” SG, Sacramento Kings - Some say that he has the highest ceiling in this group of draftees, but you have to just keep your fingers crossed for any rookie who’s going into the black hole of Sacramento. A great athlete with beautiful shot mechanics, McLemore has the potential to do great things in the League, but he’s young and has temperament issues (not the destructive kind, just the introverted kind). I want this guy to make it, but ugh, Sacramento is just full of slash & shoot non-passers and head-cases right now.

8. Kentavious Caldwell-Pope, 6’6” SG, Detroit Pistons - The SEC Player of the Year flew under the radar for many, but KCP was doing it all for UGA this year, whether it was spotting up, slashing, assisting, rebounding, or playing great D. A lot of folks were speculating that the Pistons would look for a point guard with this pick so the could move dunk-a-soraus victim Brandon Knight to the shooting guard spot (see below). A lot of these same folks feel like Detroit may have reached a little bit with this pick. A pretty nice shooter such as Caldwell-Pope will be really well served by all the kick-out opportunities Detroit’s maturing bigs are likely to create, so look for KCP to maybe make Rookie of the Year honor on a team that might be turning the corner.

Sorry Bandon Knight, but the internet makes seeing this again and again just too much fun.  

9. Trey Burke, 6’0” PG, Utah Jazz (traded from MIN for picks 14 & 21) - Thanks to a trade that broke while he was on-air talking about being used to snow with ESPN Radio, former Michigan Wolverine and Swag-a-tron cardholder Trey Burke went from having to back up Ricky Rubio and bowling ball/munchkin J.J. Barrea in Minneapolis to getting pretty much his own team in Salt Lake City. Is there an acceptable punchline for that sort of deal? This is a great pick up for a young Jazz team desperate for some better guard play and swagger (though his defense & height has always been the question people dangle over him), and it gave Minnesota two picks that they turned into pretty decent players later in the draft. Not too bad for everyone all around.

10. C.J. McCollum, 6’2” SG/PG, Portland Trail Blazers - The Blazers go the mid-major route for the second year in a row, and they are hoping that the versatile and experienced McCollum can somewhat emulate 2013 Rookie of the Year Damian Lillard. Apparently the two have been in touch and are pretty good friends, but the questions surrounding LaMarcus Aldridge’s future are going to make this a stormy year in the Pacific Northwest. (lulz). In other news, McCollum is one of the few guys in the draft who completed his degree, in journalism mind you, so we at least figure he’s got a future if this doesn’t work out.

11. Michael Carter-Williams, 6’5” PG, Philadelphia 76ers - The lanky Syracuse man will be reunited with his Boston-area AAU teammate Nerlens Noel in Philly, but there’s going to be a steep learning curve for the both of them as they adjust to the physicality of the NBA and absorb the disappointments of rebuilding in Philly (fill in crowd horror story here). He’s tall enough to see over defenses and cause problems for other guards on defense, but it really is going to be another looooong year for the ‘6ers either way you slice it.

12. Steve Adams, 7’0” C, Oklahoma City Thunder - The New Zealander helped the NBA set another milestone, as he was the first from that nation drafted in the first round, and from here on out the international invasion is on.  The “Thunder from Down Under” is the pick that OKC got in the James Harden trade, but part of me still wants to cringe a little bit every time I remember how pitiful they looked without Harden or Russ Westbrook in the playoffs. If this pick blows up their face and the value of that trade gets questioned more and more, OKC may only have themselves to blames, even when considering their cap numbers. Adams could address a point of need on a nice rookie deal, since OKC vet Kendrick Perkins’ usefulness as an interior defender was more than negated by his offensive ineptitude the past few seasons. The big man failed to impress at the start of his freshman year in Pittsburgh, but he played well late in the season and apparently wowed scouts with great mid-range shooting performances at team workouts. They might have to stash him in the D-League for a bit while they figure out what to do with Perkins, but if he adds some polish, I think OKC comes out ahead with this pick.

13. Kelly Olynyk, 6’11” F/C, Boston Celtics (acquired from Dallas for Lucas Nogueira) - Another Canadian is selected in the first round, and what I can mainly say about him from looking at his tape is that he needs a damn haircut. As a one-time purveyor of the “shaggy white boy” basketball player look in my playing days, I think I am somewhat qualified to say, let it go brother (I got Birdman on my side too. boy-o). Other than that, he looks like a serviceable stretch-4 who can step out and hit some jumpers, but is going to struggle to defend and create shots against big-time 4/5s. Fine and dandy, if you’re not trading your only rim-protector and you are getting 2 more guys like that from Brooklyn in the same night! Wait a second... thats what they did? Phhbt. After the kerfuffle that was the first ten picks, Celtics GM Danny Ainge described the pick-up as a great ‘complementary’ choice. Gotta say, if you’re going to go all-in on rebuilding mode, you got to take some shots in the draft, and I don’t know if a big ol’ jump-shot shooting white boy with questionable athleticism and defense is the way to go. But there you have it.

Boston's Kelly Olynyk: Badly in Need of a Gillette Sponsorship

14. Shabazz Muhammad, 6’6” G/F, Minnesota Timberwolves - A guy who might have been a top-5 pick last year labored through a poor shooting year at UCLA, all while fighting off allegations that he was 20 years old when he said that he was 19. Really? Yes, really. The bad press double-whammy dropped him into the T-Wolves lap after they flipped Trey Burke. If they can’t resign Pekovic next season, the T-Wolves are kind of a mess outside of the PG & PF spots (held down by Rrruuuuuuuubio & K.Love), but a mid-round guy with a chip to his shoulder might be just the ticket, or it might be the perfect opportunity for him to float into Minnesota draft lore along with such hallowed names as Johnny Flynn, Ndudi Ebi (thanks, Senor Marquez) Rashad McCants, Corey Brewer, and Michael Beasley.

15. Giannis Adetokunbo, 6’9” SF, Milwaukee Bucks - THE GREEK FREAK. Its seems that the Bucks are making a bid to create the lankiest team of all-time (if he ever does join Larry Sanders & John Henson in the great Mid-west), but this is definitely a pick that we’re not going to see for awhile. The 18 year-old has great size, a big wingspan, handles, and HUUUUGE hands, but his club competition so far has been in the Greek second-league (read: not very good). If he can put on 30 pounds (he is still growing) and find a position (he plays point-forward right now, which could have promise), you might be seeing him in the league in a year or two, but don’t count on it.

16. Lucas Nogueira, 7’0” C, Atlanta Hawks (acquired from Dallas via Boston for 18th & 44th picks) - “Bebe”, as he’s called in his native Brazil and in Spain’s pro league, is a springy big man who loves to run the court, and he defends & make plays at the rim. He needs to put on some weight and apparently show more focus throughout the course of games, but I like the tape on him when he played against NBA-level Euro teams like Barcelona and Real Madrid. Definitely had the goofiest look of all the draft picks tonight, but there's always gotta be that one guy who can't get his hat over his afro, am I right?

17. Dennis Schroeder, 6’2” PG, Atlanta Hawks - Rangy German 19 year-old with a 6’9” wingspan has some thinking Rajon Rondo potential. He’s got a real quick first step, can finish in a variety of ways around the rim, and makes some nice passes from different areas of the court. He is turnover-prone and will have to wait and see what the Hawks want to do with Jeff Teague’s expiring rookie deal as well as what they do in free agency, so I don’t know that either of these two picks actually plays in Atlanta this season considering their situations as growing players Danny Ferry can option to decent teams in Europe for a year and take a shot at next year’s draft/free agent class (both of which are so much better).

18. Shane Larkin, 6’0” PG, Dallas Mavericks - The Mavs traded all over the first round to end up with this pick, and it looks like a good move. Dallas didn’t get what it wanted out of Darren Collison a year after losing Jason Kidd to New York, so a point guard here makes sense for them. Larkin was solid for a very strong Miami team in a pretty blah ACC this year, but his height doesn’t exactly project well. Though how many times a year do we hear that.

19. Sergey Karasev, 6’7” SF, Cleveland Cavs - The Cavs use their second of four picks on the sharp-shooting Karasev, who projects as a solid spark off you bench or as a Mike Miller-esque two-way guy if we’re feeling optimistic. He apparently felt so optimistic about his chances in the draft that he shut down his workouts after the first couple and peaced out back to Russia until the Draft took place. Yeah, ok guy. Gotta like what Cleveland in doing with their picks if you like half-full glasses, but they still look like they need a center and a wing defensive-stopper.

20. Tony Snell, 6’7” SF, Chicago Bulls - A great fit for a Tom Thibodeau team. The New Mexico swingman is athletic, rangy, and has been accused to lacking focus. You can bet that’ll be gone quickly with Thibs in charge. Its a pretty good situation for a guy who was projected in the second round to end up in, too. A guaranteed deal on a hard-working team and well-coached that’s getting its best player back? Snell will have to prove that he’s got NBA-range now that everyone likes to have corner 3-taking swingmen who can play D & rebound these days, but he’s got the tools and situation to succeed.

21. Gorgui Dieng, 6’11” C, Minnesota Timberwolves - The T-Wolves snap up Louisville’s defensive stopper who can hopefully make up for the fact that Kevin Love and Derrick Williams have no interest in protecting the rim from game-to-game. Dieng anchored the college national champs with his defense, rebounding, and surprising offensive repertoire (his mid-range game really shone through during March Madness). On another team that has convinced themselves that they will not be in the lottery next year, Dieng could play major minutes if Pekovic bolts in free agency, or could simply eat into Greg Stiemsma playing time, which you can’t hate too much.

22. Mason Plumlee, C, Brooklyn Nets - The next Kris Humphries, except less handsome, skilled, hated, or paid. Last night the Nets also picked up Boston vets Kevin Garnett, Jason Terry, & Paul Pierce from the Celtics in an agreed-upon ‘trade-in-principle’, so when Nets GM Billy King impishly told the press that this team was very pleased with the drafting of Mason Plumlee, I can guarantee you he wasn’t thinking one iota about Mason Plumlee. Still, the guy is a mobile big man who can rebound and defend a bit, and maybe KG can teach him a thing or two, but he can’t post-up for nothing, which seems to be a great niche to be filling now that BK has off-loaded Reggie Evans & the aforementioned Mr. Humphries. (Did I mention I hate Duke players in the draft?)

23. Solomon Hill, F, Indiana Pacers - The Pacers drafted another small forward, which could suggest that Danny Granger is not sticking around for that much longer in Indy. Or it could just mean that they like small forwards.

24. Tim Hardaway Jr., 6’6” SG, New York Knicks - This is the point in the draft where my research usaully starts to putter out, but thanks to his time in the NCAA tournament with Michigan, we got a good long look at Hardaway Jr. He's a good shooter and a great defender who joins a team that desperately needs to get younger on the wings, so odds are he's going to have a chance to make an impact.

25. Reggie Bullock, 6’7” SF, LA Clippers - With the emergence of the “3-and-D” player (i.e. Danny Green, Shane Battier, etc.), a guy who can defend at least two positions and shoot well from range as a second or third option on offense, mid-height athletes with pure shooting strokes like Bullock are going to get a shot in the NBA over pure prospects. On a team that looks like its going to have a lot of type-A personalities and a new coach in the locker room, Bullock will be well-served if he keeps his head down and does the little things in Lob City.

26. Andre Roberson, 6’7” PF, Oklahoma City - A Colorado State University product who figures to get traded at some point by the Thunder for James Harden and cash. Lulz. Roberson is one of these late round picks who end up as footnotes on Wikipedia, but if he wants to make a difference on the Thunder’s squad, he’s apparently going to do it with the power of advanced metrics, because ESPN’s Kevin Pelton called him the value of the draft based on his WARP relative to the rest of this class (thats Wins Above Replacement Player for you non-losers out there). Huzzah! Now only if metrics could somehow remove Serge Ibaka from the depth chart and then Roberson’s true greatness will be revealed! Or something.

27. Rudy Gobert, 7’1” C, Utah Jazz - The next Freddy Weis. He’s a great big behemoth of a lout with poor foot-speed and a limited offensive arsenal. That sounds like a recipe to either sit in Europe for a few more years, ride the pine until that rookie deal expires, or end up on a lot of new dunk posters. 

Just in case anyone forgot, the man wearing Vince Carter as a hat in this picture is the artist formerly known as Freddy Weis. He was never heard from again. 

28. Livio Jean-Charles, F, San Antonio Spurs - Graduate to the NBA from the French league team owned by Spurs guard Tony Parker, which means just about squat nothing in the NBA unless you’re the Spurs and you just have magic player-making pixie dust. 

29. Archie Goodwin, G, Phoenix Suns - A young gunner who can’t really shoot but with great athleticism and reasonable upside. He left Kentucky after his freshman year apparently because he was afraid of riding the pine once UK coach John Calipari's newest class of freshman All-Americans rolled into town, which makes close to no sense. Logic suggests he’ll at least be making some dough to ride the pine even more for an awful Suns team next year after getting traded from Golden State, but they got next to nothing from their guards last year, so Goodwin might just have a shot to play some.

30. Nemanja Nedovic, G, Golden State Warriors - Literally had never heard of him, so when Phoenix selected him I had no idea what to think and still haven’t formulated anything. Like many of the 12 international picks in the first round this year, this selection looks like a money-saving move.

Second Round:

Not even touching it. The second round of the draft is the NBA chop-shop of deals for future picks and cash considerations, and there were still deals being done early today with a bunch of teams in the second round. So there. (Update: In what might be the 'biggest deal' of the 2nd round, the Denver Nuggets traded starting center Kosta Koufos to Memphis for Darrell Arthur and the 55th pick, Joffery Lauvergne. The move will like make the previously mentioned Javale McGee the starter in Denver, so we can all have more of these moments! HUZZAH!)

Winners: Anthony Bennett, Philadelphia, Brooklyn (not draft-related) David Stern one-liners, International Players, teams that wanted to trade a bunch of shit.

Losers: Domestic players looking for first-round contracts, Boston (not draft-related)

#2 Grand Theft Auto V

Developer: Rockstar North

Platform: PS3, Xbox 360

Release Date: 9/17/13

Here's a no-brainer. The long-running Grand Theft Auto series is back this fall with number five, and this one's looking bigger and better than ever. Rockstar's pulling out all the stops with this one--The newest installment of GTA will take place in Los Santos, a fictional mirror image of modern day Los Angeles, intricately rendered in a gorgeously refreshed edition of Rockstar's signature RAGE engine and the city in its entirety will be larger than all of the worlds of its most recent predecessors combined. You read that correctly—Los Santos will be larger than the worlds of Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas, Grand Theft Auto IV and Red Dead Redemption all rolled up into one, piping hot southern faux-Californian urban sprawl. Who's up for a road trip?

When I saw the first trailers and screenshots for Grand Theft Auto V about a year ago, I didn't have the jump-out-of-your-seat reaction die-hard fans of the series undoubtedly had. Yeah, it was a new GTA with a new location and plenty of action and humor, but the series has done this about six times before. What was Rockstar going to do to shake things up? Thankfully, as news and tidbits of info have been released from Rockstar, it looks like Grand Theft Auto V is going to be the biggest leap forward the franchise has taken since the transition from the top-down chaos of Grand Theft Auto I and II to the 3D open world of Grand theft Auto III.

Taking a page from the success of GTA IV's two downloadable installments The Lost and The Damned and The Ballad of Gay Tony which introduced two additional playable characters into the tangled web of Niko Bellic's Liberty City odyssey, Rockstar is introducing a triumvirate of playable characters right out of the gate. For the first time in franchise history, Grand Theft Auto V will put the player in control of three individuals from diverse areas of Los Santos.

  Each of the characters have their own goals and motivations that will guide them as they end up teaming up through a series of ill-conceived heists. While we don't know the entirety of each character's back story just yet, Rockstar has introduced us to each character by way of three unique trailers. There's Michael, the jaded family man who seems to have enjoyed the spoils of success in Los Santos, but is nevertheless facing a mid-life crisis and hungers for a nice, old-fashioned adrenaline rush. On the other end of things, there's Franklin, a gang-banger stuck in the hood who resorts to hustling with the hopes of getting out and buying one of the houses on the hill one day. Finally, there's Trevor. I get the sense that Rockstar doesn't really want us to know what's going on with this guy, because he seems absolutely insane. An apparent meth-head and drug runner, Trevor's a mad dog with self-proclaimed abandonment issues, and should serve as the team's wildcard.

   With a compelling cast of characters with diverse interests and motivations set in a sprawling open world with endless opportunities for quickly raising the wanted level to 5 stars, it is clear Rockstar's bringing something brand new to the table with Grand Theft Auto 5. Rockstar North hasn't reinvented the wheel here—they've hijacked it, sent it to the chop shop, and rebuilt it from the bottom up to see how they could pimp it out. It's amazing see what they've done with it so far, and it'll be exciting to see what other surprises Rockstar will drop on us in the coming weeks leading up to E3.

Squazzplepros: 

-Big, big, big open world. Seriously. Biiiiig.

-Three diverse characters with different motivations and interests coming together for a slew of heists. Ocean, meet Michael, Franklin, and Trevor.

-New motion and facial capture animation technology makes Grand Theft Auto V look like it will be the most charasimatic and emotionally engaging GTA yet.

Squazzlecons: 

-Big is usually better, but how will Rockstar utilize the substantially larger universe of Grand Theft Auto V? Let's hope there's plenty of side missions to complete, and more importantly—a way to easily get around.

-Grand Theft Auto IV has undoubtedly cemented its position as a classic for this console generation, but at times, it suffered from repetition and all-too-similar side missions. Here's to hoping that Rockstar has plenty of new ideas beside the usual package deliveries and gang interventions.

Good afternoon and hello again from the crack speculative reporting team of the Squazzington Post’s esteemed sports division. Last time around on the domestic circuit we brought you a NBA Playoff preview that we shall only make three short points about: 1) Patrick Beverley, in the pursuit of a reasonable basketball play, irrevocably changed the storyline of these playoffs by injuring Russell Westbrook, also exposing the Thunder as a scarily flawed team under their All-World veneer in the process. 2) The three writers employed for the previous NBA playoff preview have been summarily and publicly punished for their silly-looking (and quite wrong) picks. 3) we shall not speak of it ever again.

We failed again to post an instant response to a big sports moment after the Indiana Pacers Eastern Conference Finals series-evening win over the Miami Heat last night, but we like to think we sacrifice expediency for measured quality. Pbbhhhtttttt. Anyways, there are two things we want to really emphasize about the Heat-Pacers series so far (tied up at 2-2 and heading to Miami for game 5 on Thursday night).

First thing is that Roy Hibbert has already probably earned every cent of the contract given to him last summer by the Pacers to match Portland’s qualifying offer, a contract that’s going to average out to about $15 mil/year for the next three years. Some at the time were scratching their heads, But 7’ 2” centers with great defense, decent footwork, nice little go-to post moves, soft touch and what is now a grown man’s frame (he’s only 26, prime get-him-before-the-wheels-fall-off big man age) are HARD TO FIND. The same goes for David West as well, who was a steal from the New Orleans Pelicans (RIP Hornets), though West is a different character, masquerading as a bruising bowling ball of a power forward who has knocked over every spindly stretch-4 Spoelstra has thrown at him.

Hibbert has put up big numbers in both of the Pacers wins, partially because nobody that E.Spo is gonna put on the court can guard him, but mostly because nobody that the Heat would put on him, all the way down to Juan Howard in his suit, could guard him. This rings all the more true especially now that Chris Bosh looks like the match-up is beating the living crap out of him and Lebron has to keep guarding either Paul George or David West. Did anybody think they’d see the day when they looked at this Heat team and said, holy schniekeys, this team may be outgunned. In the two Indiana victories, their starting five had basically the same stat line, with Hibbert and West combining for nearly 40 in each game, George Hill putting in a steady 18 & 19, and Paul George (hot in game one) and Stephenson (bullish in game 2) getting 22 and 20 points for themselves as single-game highs between the two games. Whoda thunk it.

Second: Lebron James either has to simply score 15 points in the post every night like in Game 3, drain some threes, get some steals and athletic blow-bys on his way to 40 for at least the next two games, or someone on the Heat other than the god-damn Birdman needs to hit some shots. We’re looking at you Mario Chalmers and very fragile-looking Dwayne Wade. But on the flip side we have to pause and think on how many times have we heard those exact same cries from the media about this Heat team for the last three years. They shot a pedestrian 39% from the field last night, had their best player foul out on the most inane and asinine last-minute refereeing call I’ve seen in a while, and got eaten up on the boards in the fourth quarter. Sure it got stretched out to a seven point victory once Lebron left the floor, but the Heat were right in this game to the last, so don’t count them out.

Lebron-haters will have fun with this one, because one game after he killllllled Indiana in the post en route to a needed away win, he didn’t even get close to the paint in the fourth quarter, though the argument can be made that he facilitates better late in games from the top. And about that sixth foul. There were honestly (and we looked at the tape, thanks internet) at least three other instances of ‘illegal screens’ in the last three minutes of that game, two of which would have resulted in fifth fouls for David West and Paul George (who, like Lebron, had been assessed a technical as well).

Its absurd that referees feel the need to make calls like this in the final seconds of a very important playoff game. Not only is it frustrating as a fan to see the greatest player in the world, who had just hit a wing 3-pointer to bring the Heat back into it, foul out on such a ticky-tack play, but it just damages the brand of the sport itself, boring the tears out of the average non-fan and making for even more fodder for the global sports conspiracy theorists to blather on about Tim Donaghy and whatever else we’re peddlin’ these days. The real problem is that the NBA made their rulebook all about the subjectivity of the referees, from the bully-boy antics of the 80’s and the never-travel hey-days of Allen Iverson up to the silliness that is today’s anti-flopping initiative. Since the rules have always been unclear and at the discretion of the refs, calls like this can happen, but it truly sucks that that sort of call can swing a game so easy on a big stage.

If the refs can chill out for a game or two and the rest of the Heat line-up remembers that they’re in the playoffs, I think the Heat will be ok, even if they do get pushed to seven games. But if Chris Bosh continues to take a beating and starts to favor that ankle he tweaked in game 4, and if Dwyane Wade continues to play passive, the young Pacers might just cause a summer frenzy with a new ‘beat the Heat’ model.

Waiting on the results of the Eastern Conference Finals are the San Antonio Spurs, who harried Memphis into a surprisingly quick and somewhat ignominious end. While the Grizzlies certainly earn plaudits for setting a franchise record for wins and getting to the conference finals, this series really felt like a let-down after they had dispatched the Clippers & Oklahoma City (albeit both hobbled teams) so simply to advance. In the end the Tony Parker and the legion of shooters in the silver & black (with a lil’ Timmy and Thiago Splitter haunting Zach Randolph’s dreams… I can see it now, Z-Bo, dribbling his marshmallow basketball, working a seven-foot shadow with creaky knees down to the block, turning for his patented flat-footed hook shot, and BLAM! WEAKSIDE HELP FROM ANOTHER 7-footer, Z-Bo wakes up gasping, a la KD and Wade in that Gatorade commercial… Another thought on that: If the Heat get past the Heat, can you imagine what Greg Popovich is cooking up with at least six games of film to go through, nine days to look at it in, and three, THREE! 7-footers with legendary-to-decent post skills on his front line? Sheesh)

So the Spurs await the winner of Heat-Pacers, and if those two are going to duke it out for at least another two games the way they have the first four, I have to think the Spurs might be a favorite in the Finals, even if the Heat are the defending champions. Tony Parker absolutely killed the Grizzlies with four back-to-back master performances, and with more than a week of rest they can do everything this team could want, from getting Manu primed (he’s reeaalll hot-and-cold sometimes) to getting Timmy and Parker’s calf absolutely as much rest as they need to rest. Its a long break, and sometimes that can hurt teams in Game 1 (ref: Heat v. Bulls), but one would suspect that it usually means they are in better shape over the long haul of another 7-game series.

And speaking of which, this break in the Spurs schedule has made time for the Atlanta Hawks to first interview and then hire long-time head assistant coach Mike Budenholzer. Budenholzer is the third new head coach to be introduced this week, and all three of them have been head assistants on for winning franchises over the last couple of seasons. Steve Clifford moves from the Lakers second seat to the trap-door in Charlotte, while former Suns player and Jazz assistant Jeff Hornacek was tapped by Phoenix for the revamp they need. Of the three hires (and the MIlwaukee job likely to be taken by former Atlanta coach Larry Drew or Houston assistant Kelvin Sampson in the next couple of days), I like Atlanta’s nabbing of Budenholzer, who some said might one day succeed Popovich on the Spurs’ throne. But for now he’ll have a ton of cap space and a bare-bones roster to build with a man in Danny Ferry who he’s familiar with (and coached as well). The other two jobs are reclamation projects, and as Michael Jordan has shown, he’s not afraid to bring down the axe on whoever it is charged with making his absurd draft picks look like a team.

Early last fall, a colleague of mine (who prefers to remain anonymous) asked if I had any interest in selling my year-and-a-half old Playstation 3 console to him for a rather fair and agreeable sum. As a college student pre-occupied with classwork and other shenanigans, I found myself with much less time for video games than in years prior, and as always— I could certainly use a little extra change in my pocket. I considered his offer, and my initial response was, “Sure, why not?” I had purchased my PS3 in late 2011 bearing in mind that it was nearing the end of its generation timeline, and that a new console from Sony was definitely on the horizon. My original plans were to buy a PS3, play a few of the classics and a few new-comers (holy shit, Journey, you guys) and then sell the hardware for close to retail value while it was still in lightly-used condition. After all, quality game offerings for consoles always fizzle out in the last year of their console generation, right? Riiiiight?

Well Sony, I’ll be damned if I wasn’t about to drop gramps off at the retirement home when, lo’ and behold, I find out the ol’ bastard’s still got some kick left in him. Here are my top 5 most anticipated games for the remainder of 2013—and a few reasons I decided to hold on to Ol’ Reliable for a little while longer.

#5   Batman: Arkham Origins

Developer: Warner Bros. Interactive

Platform: XB360, PS3, PC, Wii U

Release Date: 10/25/13

Need a reason to check out the newly-announced Batman: Arkham Origins this fall? Here’s three: Batman: Arkham Asylum (Metacritic score: 92), Batman: Arkham City (Metacritic score: 96), and what more do you want—You get to be Batman! With the cape, the spiky gauntlets, and those precious little pointy ear thingies…You get to be Batman! The third installment of the popular and critically celebrated Arkham series is taking the story back before the events of the first installment, but still widening the open-world design that made Arkham City so hard to put down. This time, the entire city of Gotham will be the Dark Knight’s playground, and in addition to some old favorites (Yes, Joker’s back, but no word yet on whether Mark Hamill will return for his retired role as Mr. J) there’s a whole new cast of villain ass to kick, including some less-seen baddies such as Deathstroke and Black Mask.

Rocksteady Studios is passing their baby over to developer Warner Bros. Interactive for this adventure, so I’ll be keeping my fingers crossed that the new team can fulfill the lofty expectations fans have for the series, which has been dubbed one of the greatest superhero video game franchises of all time, but still expand on it and make it the best Arkham game yet.

Squazzlepros:

-Bigger than ever (we can finally go towards those pretty lights and explore Gotham!)

-Should be exciting to see underexposed villains take the spotlight

-Joker’s back!

Squazzlecons:

-We have yet to see if Warner Bros. Interactive can expand on Rocksteady’s innovation, rather than just add thin layers of entertaining gimmicks (refer to Warner Bros’ first effort with the series, Batman: Arkham City: Armored Edition for Wii U)

-Legendary comics, TV, everything (?) writer Paul Dini sitting this one out

The Squazzington Post isn’t really all that deep into the sport game (as the sparsely-expertised baseball preview proved last week), but with the NBA playoffs starting this Saturday, we figured we had to bring you a 2013 playoff preview only marginally slower than Grantland.com did (and a million times more suavely and intelligently than BleacherReport would even come close to thinking about contemplating doing).

Anyways, the conference seedings are just about set, so we polled our various experts-in-the-wing (as if) and came up with this, the SQUAZZINGTON POST’S 2013 NBA Playoff Preview (because bold caps boost your SEO numbers. its in the tumblr handbook.) Anyways, here is our look at the NBA’s 2013 playoff bracket, this time brought to you by the Heat-fan-who-used-to-be-a-Magic-fan-after-he-was-a-Rockets-fan, a die-hard (and devastated) Kobe stan, and of course, the obligatory ATLien. Shit happens when the entire full-time staff of the blog is from Atlanta.

The Prime Minister of Kobe-stan: Your request for a bracket was surprisingly a fun read other than the part where someone thought a dysfunctional team like the Hawks will actually crack some noise come playoff time. I say J-Smooth will be smoking some thick blunts while fishing in the Heat of Miami by the end of the month. LULZ. Of course we know ZAZA will be in an underground cage learning some essential kickboxing moves that will come handy when he face KG face-to-face, away from all the cameras. Honestly, I think you guys can beat out the Bulls if D-Lose decided to not show up until next year all the while pocketing a thick $20 Million paycheck for just sitting on his couch and doing nothing. (And this is what happens when our writers don’t look at a playoff bracket before they write in. Chicago would have to beat Brooklyn and the Heat to face the Hawks at all. Nice rant though. Welcome to the Squazzington Post folks -Ed.)

I have the Heat (I hate it), but going all way from East, and Thunder from West. The Spurs might give a valiant fight against Thunder in the conference final with a rejuvenated T-Mac on the roster, but it is highly unlikely the Spurs’ horde of old men can dethrone the Thunder. As we know, women love the youthful fountain of youngsters more than the withering old men. And please, let me interject with one of quotes from our one and only Russel Peters: ” Women are thinkers.” He is right.

So Thunder and Miami in the finals, and Miami winning in 6 games like last year if, only if, D-wade can stay away from STDs. (BTW, why did you create a Blog TUMBRL or whatever it is? It is insanely hard to subscribe to it.)

And please waste few minutes of your precious lives on this. Please, this is hilarious.

Peter:

Well said sir, but I’m surprised you dont have any hope for your Lakers.

Mr. Gorgian:

No Mamba, no Lakers.

No Vino, No vintage

No Kobe, no hope

Lakers are doomed.

Peter:

Here is why the Heat is gonna take the championship again. They are doing it as a TEAM. They have the best star players, but more importantly, they have the best supporting crew. Skills are important, strategies are essential, but in the playoffs psychology is the key. Every star player can score 40+ points if you give them enough shooting attempts, but winning a game is more about being more efficient in getting into the baskets. Put it in simple terms, when your stars don’t feel it, they should give away more chances to role players. it’s the mindset —- sharing the ball, unselfishness and in the end it’s the TEAMWORK that counts. This is what the heat is best at. Look at what Lebron has done. He doesn’t necessarily score the most points (still having really high FG percentage —- efficiency!!) but contributes to the team in all other ways.. rebounds, assists, steals, blocks, the last time someone getting good stats in all the disciplines like him showed up in the NBA was in the 90s —— Michael Jordan. Then before that, it was Larry Bird. We both know what happened after in both those instances—- it’s the start of a dynasty!!

Besides, T-Mac joining the Spurs is just to fill up the bench spot they got from cutting another old man, trying to make themselves feel more confident that they could do more damage to the Thunder. He is definitely not as good as he used to be and won’t do a darn thing whatsoever. On that I pretty much agree with Mr. Gorgian —- The Thunder pretty much will crush the gang of old men with a 4-0 in the Conference Finals… even if James Harden and Jeremy Lin don’t give them such an easy time in the first round.

I really like Denver as well (maybe they play like a team as the Heat do?). I don’t think they have any trouble dropping any other team in the West other than the Thunder. Hopefully they can still keep up the extremely good performances on their home court and luckily get one win in OKC to have a chance to play against the Heat

In the East, i’d say the only threat for the Heat comes from Knicks. They have been a much better team since the comeback of Carmelo and Chandler. I just have to say one thing and I’ve said it before: high percentage jump-shooting gets them a lot of wins; winning a championship requires something else more than that. Besides, I really hate the Bulls. So please Squazz Post, if the Hawks beat the crap out of them, I’ll be very very happy (and i’d love to see a fight JSmith vs C-Boozer).

ATL-ien:

So we’re heard a lot of great jokes about how the Atlanta Hawks are dysfunctional team and Josh Smith is basically a putz. Well I would tend to disagree. But I’ll get to that in a moment. Also: Why in the name of all that is good and deep-fried am I paying 25 bucks a month for NBA League Pass on my computer if I can’t watch games that are nationally televised on cable, which I don’t want to pay 40 bucks a month for? Its just like MLB.com’s confounding move to fixed camera angles one had to manually toggle through to follow the game action after their League Pass equivalent dropped cable broadcasts last year. And so people with any sense will continue to pay nothing and just use the interwebs. Kudos to you NBA and MLB, for offering a shit product. Anyways, I also cheated and only did a first round projection so I don’t get burned by overextending myself on some sort of ATL-DEN feel-good fest. trollops:

Eastern Conference First Round

There’s no way on earth that Miami doesn’t trounce Milwaukee in 5 or 6, even if Monta or Brandon Jennings are able to steal a game, or even two. The Heat are a superior, veteran squad playing some of their best stuff, so Peter can rest easy through all those nationally televised games. The Knicks are going to have a tough time with the Celtics, but I’m part of the dumb majority thats sitting here thinking, “Well Melo’s got to get to a Conference Finals at some point, right?” I like the stuff that the Celtics are playing right now with Avery Bradley and Jeff Green hounding teams and Paul Pierce just being the creakiest looking 18-6-5 guy since Bird in like ‘91 or something (yes, I was only two at the time, but YouTube’s a wonder). Knicks in 7, Melo and the Knicks chuckers will prevail, but this series goes to seven just because the Celtics know how to make people sweat. I hope Chicago knocks the snot out of the Nets, not just because Kris Humphries is a floozy, Gerald Wallace is now in the dictionary under “washed-up”, and I never got the Deron Williams hype, but because I hold a grudge towards Joe Johnson, his game, his contract, and the intersection of the three (Its an Atlanta thing). But hey, thanks Brooklyn! Even if we blow the draft pick we’re out from under the last year of that deal ($25 MIL!). Chicago in 5. Indiana can deal with this next pick, Hawks in 6. Yeah, six games. If I’m ever going to break my jinxing habit, I just have to go all out and give fate an ol’ ice dragon every once in awhile. Johan Petro is set to get a lot of minutes in this series guarding Hibbert and taking up fouls (a la Jason Collins v. Dwight two years ago). Gag me. But it’s going to put Horford on West and Smith on George at the 3 and I like that match-up waaaaay more than Horford-on-Hibbert, even if it means Josh starts chucking at the other end for some MID-RANGE SHAAAAAWTY TIME! (He actually called himself this). BUT: Smith is in the playoffs as the “leader” of a team that (along with a lot of other teams) is trying to figure out if he’s worth max money. Either he is a complete and total derp or he comes to fucking play this year. So even if the Hawks do disappoint again this year in a winnable series, expect at least one poster-moment to be produced with Tyler Hansbrough getting his face cleaned by Josh’s shorts while he tries to flop his way to a charge.

Western Conference First Round

My hometown team is in the Eastern Conference, but I love the West. Great first-round match-ups and storylines that are sure to deliver. Hopefully. Starting from the top, James Harden comes back to OKC, and like Peter said, I think the combination of a little revenge and a pretty good athletic Rockets rotation could give the Thunder some trouble in their home games and make this series interesting. Or they could just play directly into the Thunders hands with their tempo and get run out of the building(s). The Lakers might not be in as much trouble as people thought without Kobe, as Pau Gasol and Steve Blake of all effing people showed against the aforementioned “pretty good” Rockets the other night. Dwight Howard is (sorta-kinda) looking like his old self, and isn’t looking AS lost at the free throw line as he did earlier this year. So how much trouble will the Spurs be in with banged-up roster? None. I just wanted to see how long the PM of Kobe-stan would go for this. Spurs in 6. In the Western Conference 4-5 match-up, whoever wins the Clippers/Grizzlies series can have fun getting run out of the gym by OKC, so who cares. Even if LA gets to the second round, their lack of late-game free throw shooters (i.e. Jordan & Griffin) means that they lose that series anyways, highlights aside, so I might as well pick the Grizz for the sake of variety. Golden State vs. Denver is going to be a great series, not only because both teams are real trigger-happy, but also because the Nuggets are trying to make a Conference Finals push as soon as the Warriors and Steph Curry are trying to show the NBA that they’re officially back in the mix as a threat post-season-wise (according to Bill Simmons at Grantland, GS passed up a Klay Thompson-&-picks-for-Harden deal from OKC. Holy fucking sheesh). Even minus Gallinari (which IS going to hurt the Nugs eventually), Denver wins this series in 7 just because they run much more (especially at home) than Golden State can keep up with, and the interior superiority of Kufos & McGhee/Mozov (lulz) vs. Bogut (broken) & Lee, this series has got to go to the Mile High gunners. Its going to be close though.

Welcome to the Squazzington Post’s first annual MLB Preview. In addition to insight most excellent from our panel of baseball afficianados, you’ll also get a couple laughs and a couple of really optimisitic Atlanta Braves projections. Ok, make that three really optimistic Atlanta Braves projections. Also, coming next week is an Indian Premier League cricket preview from our twitter master, the Bengali Bruiser. But now for the picks!

Twitter Guru:

NL EAST

1. Atlanta Braves 2. Washington Nationals 3. Philadelphia Phillies 4. New York Mets  5. Miami Marlins

NL CENTRAL

1. Cincinnati Reds  2. Pittsburgh Pirates 3. Milwaukee Brewers 4. St. Louis Cardinals  5. Chicago Cubs

NL WEST

1. LA Dodgers  2. San Francisco Giants  3. Arizona Diamondbacks  4. Colorado Rockies  5.San Diego Padres

Wildcard:  Washington Nationals beat Pittsburgh Pirates

NLDS:  Braves over Dodgers in 4, Nationals beat Reds in 5

NLCS:  Nationals beat Braves in 4

  AL EAST

1. Toronto Blue Jays  2. NY Yankees  3. Baltimore Orioles  4. Boston Red Sox  5. Tampa Bay Rays

AL CENTRAL

1. Detroit Tigers  2. Chicago White Sox  3. Kansas City Royals  4 Cleveland Indians  5. Minnesota Twins

AL WEST

1. LA Angels  2. Texas Rangers 3. Oakland Athletics  4. Houston Astros  5. Seattle Mariners

Wildcard:   Rangers beat NY Yankees

ALDS: Tigers beat Blue Jays in 5,  Angels beat Rangers in 4

ALCS: Angels beat Tigers in 5

World Series: Nationals beat Angels in 5

I let my homerism lead my hope that the Braves won't disappoint me this year (other than getting swept in the NLCS -Ed.). I liked the Blue Jays to get to the World Series initially, but I'm assuming that the fact that the Angels threw down money like the Yankees do has to translate to success sooner or later. As for the Nationals, as long as they don't shut down Strasburg, I imagine that's at least one game they steal from every series and I assume they're good enough to win. Disclaimer: I've based most of this off of hearsay because I am arguably not even barely familiar with the intricacies of baseball.  If you need advice on the Indian Premier League however, let me know.

The history nerd:

NL EAST

1. Atlanta Braves 2. Washington Nationals 3. New York Mets 4. Philadelphia Phillies 5. Florida Marlins

Of course I picked the Braves to win the division, but its not just my blatant homerism that makes this choice possible. The Braves entered into a new era this offseason when they netted both of the free-swinging Upton brothers to complete what might be baseball’s most athletic outfield. The Braves have some small question marks concerning the back end of their rotation and whether or not this lineup could set some sort of a strikeouts record, but the front-end of both the line-up and the rotation are All-Star level, as well as the bullpen. The Nationals are a solid team, but my inner Braves fan (and outer for that matter) won’t allow me to pick them to win the division outright, though if Bryce Harper keeps building, Jason Werth can finally become worth the money that the Nats are paying, and Steven Strasbourg pitches like an ace without an innings count over his head, they could run away with it again. The Mets have some pieces but nothing resembling a contender, and the Phillies can suck it (because I love that Yankees Lite actually became what the Yankees are today: old, overpaid, and busted up).  Oh, and the Marlins are once again a joke, but you probably forgot all about them anyways. .

NL CENTRAL

1. Cincinnati Reds 2. St. Louis Cardinals 3. Chicago Cubs 4. Milwaukee Brewers 5. Pittsburgh Pirates

This is a weird division for me to try to choose, mainly because I don’t really care who comes out of the NL Central, they’re just going to lose in the first round anyways (Only the Cardinals have been to the World Series in the last 15 years). The Reds are scary-good on paper, but we’ll have to see how their rotation holds up, and if Jay Bruce really is an All-Star. The Cardinals are a wild-card candidate just because of how good their pitching is, and the Cubs will be trying to take some small steps toward another World Series title (someday...). I don’t know really what to think of the Brewers, because if four years in Minnesota taught me anything, its who gives a shit about Wisconsin. After flirting with mediocrity the past couple of seasons, the Pirates are still exactly who we knew they were. Outside of Andrew McCutchen, the Pirates are just like the Marlins outside of Giancarlo Stanton. Poopy.

NL WEST

1. Los Angeles Dodgers 2. San Fransisco Giants 3. Arizona Diamondbacks 4. Colorado Rockies 5. San Diego Padres

Next up in the Los Angeles sports serial “Money Might Buy Me Love”, after the recent flops of the Angels and Lakers, come the LA Dodgers. With their star-studded (and thankfully functional) ownership group, and a newly inflated 200 million dollar payroll, this team feels like the NBA’s Lakers before the season started. They have a lot of great talent on the front end of their line-up, but potential injuries (like the ones suffered already by Hanley Ramirez at the World Baseball Classic) and a weak bench have the potential to derail what they hope is a Hollywood ending to their season. The defending World Series champion Giants might just repeat their fate coming off their last world title and miss the playoffs again, but I think their pitching staff alone might just allow them to squeak past the Cardinals for one of the wild card spots. The D-backs are another team that I don’t really get, but I’m hoping young firstbaseman Paul Goldschmidt can put together a solid year for the sake of my fantasy team. After recently moving to Denver, the Rockies are my new ‘hometown’ team, so I’m hoping they can put together a half-decent season so I can at least try to get excited about paying for baseball this year, and the Padres are what they are: a mediocre team in a stacked division that’s gonna have to scrap to get anywhere near .500.

Wildcard: Nationals over Cardinals

NLDS: Nationals over Cincinnati in 5, Braves over Dodgers in 5

NLCS: Braves beat Nationals in 6

AL EAST

1. Tampa Bay Rays 2. Toronto Blue Jays 3. Baltimore Orioles 4. Boston Red Sox 5. New York Yankees

The Rays have been somehow finishing on top of this division with some frequency the last couple of years, even though they compete with two of the biggest franchises year in and year out while only being able to drag small semblences of a crowd to their crappy indoor stadium. My hate of indoor baseball aside, the Rays and Joe Maddon will be able to take advantage of the injuries and self-perpetuating chaos created by demanding ownership groups and fan-bases in New York & Boston, while Toronto’s on-paper talent makes me think they might make a wild card run if they stay healthy. The Orioles will still have the best cap logos in the game, but they certainly won’t be repeating as baseball's wild card-winning Cinderellas. Oh, and of course I picked the Yankees to finish last in the division. Because fuck the Yankees.

AL CENTRAL

1. Detroit Tigers 2. Cleveland Indians 3. Kansas City Royals 4. Minnesota Twins 5. Chicago White Sox

Its hard to argue against the Tigers winning this division again, but how the rest of the division shakes out will either prove that a couple of franchises are turning a corner, or that the AL Central really is the worst division in baseball. The Indians splashed cash for some bats, the Royals are trying to fool us into thinking that they might be making a run at decent again, and the Twins are trying not to get run out of brand-new Target Field by their fans who are wondering what the hell happened since 2010. The choice to pick the White Sox finish last isn’t out of any malice towards the good people of Chicago, but after the Tigers, it honestly doesn’t matter how this division looks, so maybe tanking for some draft picks in the meantime isn’t all that bad of an idea for the time being.

AL WEST

1. Los Angeles Angels 2. Texas Rangers 3. Oakland A’s 4. Seattle Mariners 5. Houston Astros

Besides the division loving the fact that Bud Selig handed each team another 10 wins a season in the form of their new rival, the Astros, the AL West has the potential to go down to the wire and surprise some people in 2013 just like it did last season. The Angels will be out for blood after their epic choke-job last fall, the Rangers’ pitching and home field advantage will have George W. Bush giggling even without Josh Hamilton (though a toddler with a sock on its hand could do that), the A’s will be looking to defend their crown (Yoenis Cespedes is the real deal btw) and Seattle will be hoping that moving the Safeco Field fences in will all of a sudden turn their young lineup into a group of mashers.  Oh, and the team with a payroll smaller than Alex Rodriguez’s salary THIS SEASON is going to lose a lot. Like a lot lot.

Wildcard: Rangers over Blue Jays

ALDS: Tigers over Rangers in 4, Angels over Rays in 5

ALCS: Tigers over Angels in 6

  World Series: Braves over Tigers in 6